At last, the return of the curse that plagued the first four cycles (the girl who got the least done in her makeover also went home that episode). This curse goes so well with their shrunken heads!
Not even a week into this cycle, and I'm already sick of Bianca and her pissy shittiness. Oh well, it was nice while my affection for her bitchy bitch status lasted.
ANTM Cycle 13, Episode 1 - ANTM Cycle 13, Episode 1
This is to my peoples who lost their grandmothers and/or eyebrows.
I bet it sucks to finally figure out you've been used as Tyra's toy, although while most of the girls turn out to be something of a masturbatory aid, at least Lisa got off with just being a yo-yo. She's one of the lucky ones.
I'm kinda at the end of my rope with Tyra, too (and so soon!), so I'm gonna make these short:
"That's what this competition is about, it's about stretching the size that we have naturally into making it the size that we don't have. We're fooling the public!"
Nobody tell her but [I'm whispering] we can hear her. And as long as we're reminded of the collective shortness of this pack on average of every 10 seconds, as we have been so far, we the public are not going to be fooled.
"I saw you back there defeated, head cocked to the right. You have to fight through feeling like you're not going to make it, and you have to hold your head up high."
In other words, "I'm beating you down, girl, hold your head up!"
Oh, and I forgot to take a sound file and I'm sure as hell not doing that now, so this isn't an official ("official") Tyraism or anything, but according to the Book of Ty, here is how you use your dancing as a model:
And here's how you use it as a dancer:
And here's how you use other people's dancing as a Tyra:
A simple equation.
But for real, I would love to know what dancer did her wrong for her to be so anti. Just so, if nothing else, I could shake that dancer's hand.
1. And ugh, makeovers already?
And ugh, this joke again? This was never funny and he does it every fucking cycle. I rue the day Miss J decided he should walk and talk at the same time. He was doing just fine with the latter.
Oh, but they weren't makeovers, they were "Tyovers," since if there's one thing this show doesn't have enough of, it's Tyra's ego. I am not surprised that she found a way to make other people's changing appearance about her -- the only thing I'm surprised about is that it took her this long to think of what to call it. I wonder if she was inspired by the name change in the same way she was when the name of this show just came to her as she looked out of her window that gentle New York morning so many years ago. I wonder what else that window holds? America's Next Top Tyra? America's Tyra Top Tyra? America's Tyra Tyra Tyra? The possibilities are endless, but more importantly, the possibilities are Tyra.
Oh, and what's up with the eyebrow removal?
(And why is it "Tyra-strator" and not "Tyrasketch?")
Eyebrows were to the second half of the premiere what testicles were to the first half.
That's what my eyes would look like, too, if I were getting my balls bleached off.
My favorite thing about the mass brow-stration was that it didn't allow Bianca to adequately express how pissed off she was about it:
You kind of need them for the full effect, you know?
When she was moaning, "I hate this, I look like an alien," I was so on board.
It's like: yes, exactly. Hideous.
Of course, there is one advantage to brow-stration:
Besides that, it was just weird that the girls got made over already because we'd barely gotten used to seeing them as they were when they arrived. The before-and-after effect was diminished, and damn it, I like it when makeovers are the cosmetic equivalents of wow wear.
I mean, I could see how America's last top audience member Ashley really benefited from the change...
...as she went from really plain to...slightly less plain. Good job getting rid of the John Waters 'stache, though.
But for real, it was a much-needed upgrade for Erin, who's amazingly more striking in Tyra's hands...
And how magical was it to watch Bloody Eyeball go from mousy...
...to Harry Knowles in just minutes? Ain't it fierce?
And what modeling competition would be complete without the participation of La Roux's Elly Jackson?
And speaking of Courtney, I love that she said that Lulu's makeover brings out her eyes, when in fact...
...it covers them.
Finally, I LOVE Laura so much, but what the hell was that shit? Look at how well she fits in a cheesy poster weirdos might pick their prospective 'dos off in a salon:
Admit it: it took you a second to find her.
2. Oh, and backtracking just a tad -- Lulu?
Total Tisha Campbell (circa Rags to Riches) ringer.
Even more striking is the fact that TLC's Chilli is in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model:
Like I cannot look at Sundai at this point and not see Chilli.
When she got her hair chopped off, I figured that would change, but...
...nope, still Chilli. And just writing this out, now I have this image of ice cream with the kind of stagnant ground-meat soup Wendy's serves (served? -- it's bene a while) poured over it. It's a Chilli Sundae. Tastes like fierceness.
3. I didn't think much of Brittany until I saw how hot she looked when on the Bene Gesserit tip:
And any girl that can make Tyra do this...
...is OK in my book. Brittany: one to watch!
4. LOVE the constant reminders that this show is a circus...
...and that this cycle is a sideshow of short freaks...
At last, ANTM does self-awareness perfectly. Bravo, show! It only took you six years!
5. But you know what I love more than that?
God, this girl's fucking zest for life is infectious. She better stick around for a while because she is quickly approaching Natasha-level endearment between her thick-as-grits accent, her proud flossing of clothes made by her grandmother...
...and the fact that she's responsible for this picture:
This makes squee inside. I know it's thrown around a lot, and it'll be thrown around again (probably by me, among people), but this is the BEST. PHOTO. IN. THE. HIS. STORY. OF. A. MER. I. CA'S. NEXT. TOP. MOD. EL. It's joy in a bottle. Totally beautiful.
6. And speaking of baby shots, did you notice that even as a child, Bianca was pissy?
Even though Bloody Eyeball kinda hinted at it last episode, it came as no surprise that Bianca ended up being the cycle's first "I'm not here to make friends" (OK, "I don't wanna be here to make friendships") girl.
I love that she didn't like her makeup for the photo shoot...
...because, when left to her own devices, she obviously prefers the make-up gun to be set between whore and clown:
When she complained about her photo-shoot outfit smelling "up under the arms really bad," I wondered if she ever considered that was so because she's so damn stank. But then, self-awareness is kind of a commodity on reality TV.
7. Although Bianca's assessment of Bloody Eyeball seemed dead-on:
Or maybe I'm just optimistic (aka thinking like a producer).
8. So, about the baby pictures...
Why is everything always just a set-up for a puppet show?
Nigel was a predictably hairy child:
Wait, what? And then when it came time for Miss J, my worldview turned upside down and I had a spit-second where I was like, "Oh my god, Miss J was once a child. I never considered that. And now we're going to see what all that was about. I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to something involving Miss J. How new and novel!" And then...
...yeah. Shoulda stuck with my gut. Clearly J Alexander was not born, but hatched, and he has been at his current size and attitude for the past 250 million years. Duh. Before he taught models to walk, he taught man to stand upright.
Also, he probably said it but because we didn't actually hear him call out Bianca for being a no-neck monster...
...I'm gonna assume he's slipping. Oh well, can't stay on top of third-tier ANTM-universe importance forever!
Oh, and what's his countdown gimmick this cycle?
Please tell me that his hairnet is going to expand every week until it's a mosquito net. PLEASE TELL ME THAT.
Loved Jennifer's shot...
It's much hotter than she's thus far seemed capable of being.
There's something so...Sasson about her.
Erin is giving me serious Brooke (Cycle 7) vibes...
...and to that I say: "Congrats, grad."
Loved loved loved that they made Chilli Sundae pose in granny panties...
...keeps her humble, not to mention supported, you know?
Oh, and as for Rae?
Perfect. I'm sticking with my knee-jerk reaction on this one: this girl's going to take the whole thing.
Oh, and you know how they said Rachel's hand looked like a hook in her shot?
That's not a hook.
That's a hook.
Thank you, thank you. I'll be doing Crocodile Dundee impressions all cycle. Aren't you excited?
9. As a P.S., the preview for the next show informed us there would be a double elimination, with one girl leaving during some sort of interview challenge. Well, then the preview went and let us know who that is. I won't reveal it outright but check this screen shot of the remaining 12 girls and notice that (highlight to read) Rachel is nowhere to be found. Bummer?
10. P.P.S. Cycle 3's Ann Markley (the hottest ANTM girl of all time, IMO) is in a Wheat Thins commercial:
It isn't high fashion, but at least it's crunchy! (Thanks to kitn for the heads-up!)