Hey look, Halloween came early!
(Tyra seriously makes the best faces at these girls before she lets them go. If only they'd learn by example, we'd have not just a tank full of hamsters, but a coven of them.)
Really, though, Tyra seemed particularly witchy this episode. If I had a lawn, I'd wish this were an animatronic Halloween decoration on the fritz that I could display to my neighborhood:
Also, her weirdly pointed shoulders and pained expression make me think that she just got her demon wings clipped:
And really you guys, we need to do something about the clipped demon wings. It's such an inhumane practice and it makes otherwise amicable demons turn horribly unfriendly.
I'd Photoshop giant demon wings on her to help illustrate my point/love of beating a subject to death, but look:
That's purple. It's disgusting. My finger got smashed between a metal trashcan and a cab door on Friday night. It wasn't until after seeing Saw VI that the real torture began. Anyway, this is to say that every key stroke is painful (not really - it just feels like a lot of pressure) and that I've done enough Photoshopping for the week (not really - I'm just lazy). Also, I never get hurt like this and have discovered in the process that I'm a giant baby.
This is the start of something great.
For you see, Erin was so distraught over fucking up her CoverGirl commercial that even when it was long over, she was still crying about it...
...and crying while pounding on herself...
...and crying while folding up her body and remarking, "I can't stop crying!"
But just in case her mourning over relative failure reminds you too much of Lisa Simpson, we then saw her stalking off set like a yeti...
...thus proving that she is part-girl, part-cartoon character, part-beast.
I love her Pavlovian response of crying when Exact Eyelights are mentioned, because it suggests that she could never wear the product without having it run. She's basically sentenced to misery, since a life without Exact Eyelights is clearly one that is not worth living.
43. & 44. Sundai and Brittney
What's new in nails? Crying? This product doesn't smell like cupcakes. It smells like sadness.
Stop playing with your eye, Rae. You're going to smear. Really, this episode is like one big conspiracy against eye makeup. Hey Top Models, why can't you let Exact Eyelights be great?
At one point, I would have been sad to see Rae go. Now I don't even feel anything. So much as changed since the beginning of this cycle: I got a flu shot, Paranormal Activity stole my heart, my finger got bruised. I barely know myself anymore; I can't possibly be expected to still know Rae. And thanks to Tyra, now I don't have to!
"You could be like, 'You know what? I'm a mathematician. Like, I'm all about the numbers. And this product is 1+1=3.' Take your personality and go with it!"
I'm not sure who's stupider: me for not having a fucking idea what Tyra's even trying to say here, or Tyra for saying that 1+1=3. Does she mean that Brittany should show off her investment in numbers but be wrong about it, since ha ha ha, models can't do math? Is this how you incorporate math..."but make it fashion"? Is being factually incorrect on extremely basic facts considered chic, guys? Help me out. I don't know anything about women's apparel.
Also, I LOVE the extended kudos at the end of that sound clip. Who needs a laugh track when you have a panel full of sycophants?
"You put your chin an inch down, and your beauty goes up, like, 85 percent."
The woman who brought you "1+1=3" now plays with percentages! Wait until she moves her body to the algorithm, determines the eye angle for maximum smizing, shows Pythagoras there's an even easier way to determine the length of a hypotenuse (it involves stuffing tissues in your cheeks), and starts rounding those integers that are between plus- and normal-size! That shit is going to be about as educational but soooo much fiercer than Donald in Mathmagic Land.
Ah, learning aids. They seem so relevant to the conversation this week.
1. First up: Dyslexia Illustrated. Take it away, Laura:
In addition to Laura's visual and verbal representation of dyslexia, I love that the text goes away as Laura's hands come down. That's a great metaphor for dyslexia's treatment of the printed word.
Major props to Laura for barreling through and just kind of dealing with something that is undoubtedly frustrating on multiple occasions every damn day of her life. She didn't cry or throw a fit or give up or abuse a mascara wand -- she sucked it up and did what she was asked to the best of her ability. And with a smile! I'd walk around with a big fucking chip on my shoulder if every time I wanted to get takeout, the menu was a sea of movement that went, "bluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluh." I think it says a lot about a person's character when they remain positive despite being branded with something that gives them a free pass not to.
I mean, only Laura could make dyslexia look (and sound!) fun:
All together now: "It's not makin' any sincccce!"
After witnessing all that, I kind of want some dyslexia. Now. Not a lot. Just a dab. A pat of dyslexia is enough to butter my brain. (And tons and tons of cheese goes, "Blub blub blub.")
However, my compassion for the burden of all dyslexics couldn't override my love for stilted (to the point of emotionless) line readings a la Laura's Insider interview and her CoverGirl commercial. Oh well. If I'm going to hell, at least I know why.
And whatever, it's not like Laura's perfect anyway.
She didn't really get her sister nothin' for her birthday, heh heh. We're all a little bit evil.
2. And some of us are a lot evil. Like Erin, for example:
She is growing more impish by the episode. Soon, she's going to shrink down to pocket size and sit on girls' left shoulders, telling them that heavy cream is a diuretic and that smizing is wicked.
I mean, look at her:
She tends to look like she's forcing the evil back, that if she doesn't concentrate and clench and screw up her face, her head will turn into a goat's or something. That'd be fierce, but the wrong kind of fierce.
Check this out: when the girls were storming outside because of the boxes stacked up and the promise of "(Gasp!) Shoes!"...
...Erin's mouth was agape to the point of taking up about half of her face:
Look closer, and you'll see the ring:
That's not altered, merely blown up. This girl is on some Black Hole Sun-type shit. She is darksided. I fear it yet am compelled to it, like any good horror show.
3. Speaking of horror show...
...this is what it looks like when a naughty director pulls the words right out from under a model. I love that they blanked the screen and Jennifer and Laura's faces followed suit with blank expressions of their own. These girls are just so literal!
Sundai, on the other hand, looked like an '09 version of the Gerber baby to me for some reason that I'll never be able to fully explain.
I don't know if you read this blog way back when, but once I put an over-enthusiastic Mychael Knight from Project Runway on a Farina box, and people told me it was racist because of Cream of Wheat associations, which were obviously tangential and made by them, not me. So to those who think that black people should never be on cereal boxes: I am so sorry to have breached your politically correct rules that require discrimination in the field of breakfast-product marketing.
(Also, I remember people gave me shit because I always talked about how gay Michael was. And then after the show, it turned out he spelled his name with a "y" and I felt completely vindicated.)
4. And, finally, regarding the interviews...
...fuck Ann Shoket for calling Bloody Eyeball's quite awesome question "inappropriate." "And have you ever had kids yourself?" fucking rocks because it isn't inappropriate enough to be dismissed outright, and the immediate physical reaction by the interviewee is bound to be more telling than whatever answer she manages to spin from her lips. It's actually genius in that respect, although in this case, I think it was accidentally genius as Bloody Eyeball was just sort of grappling for anything to keep the interview going. WHATEVER. Anyway, it just struck me that if Ann Shoket says something is "inappropriate," so as to avoid the kind of advertorial, MOR journalism she perpetuates in her publication, you should probably do the opposite.
(Not that I've read Seventeen, like ever, but somehow I doubt its celebrity is anything but fawning and primarily in service to the interviewee.)
Oh well, at least Evil Erin got a kick out of the whole thing:
In fact, she was so thrilled that I couldn't help but wonder if Bloody Eyeball said what she did because the Erin made her do it.
5. All the commercials were kind of whatever except, obviously, but Sundai's completely insane one...
Was it just me, or did her overly broad, on-the-verge-of-developing-a-tic delivery remind you of Paula Poudstone...
Now all she's missing is some inappropriate behavior in front of minors.
I did think that Tyra's imitation of Sundai's commercial was the rare bit of comedy from Tyra that was intentionally funny.
And you know, anything worth mocking is worth doing. This show taught me that. I'd say, in fact, it's the theory that unifies this entire six-year parade of nonsense. Even more so than smizing...
...although I did love the frenzy that the mere mention of the word whipped Tyra into. You know she was pissed that her Smizing Analytics didn't pick it up and that she had to be told by a mortal that a smize occurred. Like, "I control the wind and sea, how could a smize have passed without me knowing?" Time to give the omniscience a lube job. Start with a pat of dyslexia. See if that gets the pistons firing.
7. Also, speaking of our girl B.E.:
I think she actually is stoned. There is no excuse for that slow of a response of nothingness.
8. I loved during the Seventeen shoot, when the photographer prompted one of the girls by saying, "It's fun to be 17!" He didn't say this to Rae, because her picture said...
..."It's fun to be 47!" What the hell, seriously? So unflattering. She looks like a dab of testosterone and a horseshoe away from being Ann Coulter.
Instead, I choose to remember Rae like this:
But then, I prefer to remember everything conjoined. In my head, my dead grandparents were two sets of conjoined twins who one day got very bored and flexible.
9. And speaking of fun at 47, when the fuck did Kim Kardashian become an over-injected cougar?
You know, I never watched her reality show or followed the type of gossip that keeps her in business, but I've always kind of liked her for whatever random reason. Now, because she's clearly done shit to her face to avoid looking older, she looks like someone 20 years her senior who's clearly done shit to her face to avoid looking older. The playing field is even, and that sucks for someone in her 20's. Vanity does some fucked-up things to your face. It's poetic justice, but it's also really sad.
10. Here's something to cheer you up: Nigel has a Shirley Temple with your name on it...
...but the catch is that you have to drink it out of his butt.
Absurd, right? Almost as absurd as how orange he looks in this screen shot:
11. Why is Jennifer holding her picture like it's the Baby Jesus?
It's not like it came from Tyra's womb. I mean, I know her having touched it makes it divine and all, but damn.
12. So J's sleeves are inflatable, right?
There's something very Mama's Family about that. The glamor is falling off this show like a shoulder-less dress on Naomi.
Good old whatshername! I've missed her so. After she did her own extremely flat line reading, I had to wonder: is she, too, dyslexic?
14. This should help clear their minds:
Love that Bloody Eyeball can't even this stupid shit right. Again: accidental genius.
15. Jesus, these are a lot of bullet points. I think that suggests that I particularly enjoyed this episode. Good show, good show everyone!
That's such a cheesey end that I feel like I need to punctuate it with, "The Freshmaker." So there you go.
(Thanks to Victor for the post-title inspiration!)