For the amount of Jacksons that there are, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty should have at least been a shit show, but its two-hour A&E premiere was really just a bunch of crap. If failing publicly has become the standard for reality TV, this was a failure to fail. It wasn't a trainwreck because they never left the station. As weird as the perpetually muttering Jacksons are, they're just as guarded, which means that the show is just a packaging of the ham-handed way the family has attempted to smooth out their lives and attempt to look normal for anyone who cares to watch. This results in something very boring. Of the four brothers profiled, only Jermaine sticks out because he seems particularly out of touch (he explains that because everyone knew Michael Jackson as superstar, no one can wrap their heads around him being a brother to Jermaine and the rest, as though the concept of siblings is unique to the Jackson family). Also, he seems to be wearing Michael Myers' mask, which makes him stick out, too. Jackie says Marlon's kidding all the time, but the greatest example of this we see is Marlon telling a waitress that Jackie wants his burger cooked in butter. Hilarious, right?
The elephant in the room is the renewed relevance of these four, thanks to Michael's death, though when confronted, Jermaine pretends that he gave birth to said elephant. "How are we cashing in on something we created?" he says, answering Entertainment Tonight's question with a question. His words come from the same place as his elephant: his ass. Here's how, Jermaine: for decades, no one cared about the shit you created until the person who actually built a long-term career from it died abruptly. Simple! Welcome back to TV.
If you care about the whereabouts of 3T, this may be the show for you. Me, I'd rather watch Joe's Blu-Ray. The biggest missed opportunity is the lack of the other Jacksons besides the Jackson 4. Katherine shows up in the first episode to scowl for a bit, and it's no surprise that Janet isn't involved, as she's the only one with a potentially salvageable career. Joseph is a fucking bastard, so you could imagine him not getting involved just on principle. But where, oh where is La Toya? You know that she would have done it if asked. La Toya will go to the opening of a disposable camera's freshness pouch.
And so, to illustrate exactly what we're missing, I've prepared a La Toya Jackson gif wall below, all grabbed from her 1994 Playboy centerfold video. That means there are boobs below (NSFW!), but I swear, this shit is worth getting fired for. As someone so awkward, prone to flailing and in possession of a voice that's like nails on a chalkboard, I think gifs might actually be La Toya's natural medium. Let this be a lesson to all of the Jacksons that they need to get their heads out of their asses/MJ's grave, and recognize their familial greatness that still walks this earth.