Rule No. 1: Perspire profusely.
Rule No. 2: Display said perspiration in the most aggro method possible:
Don't rinse, repeat.
Look, everyone knows that the new MTV reality series Jersey Shore premiered last night. You know it, your mom knows it, the guy who collects the merry-go-round rings knows it, the beach-taggers know it and Clinique damn sure knows it. (The show is like The Real World on hallucinogenic levels of bronzer.) With the amount of excitement on the Internet leading up to this show, you'd think these meatheads were speaking in LOLcat. (I can has hottest heelz? If only they were that articulate!) It's kind of a no-brainer, as centering a show around douchebags and douchebagettes (douchebaguettes, if you're French and/or cultured) is a mainline to the kind of schadenfreude reality TV watchers fiend. As a bonus, these people have so many layers of...layers going on that to mock their appearance isn't cruel - they're so covered in makeup and product that you don't even have a sense of what's innate, and besides they've done all of it to themselves. That on top of New Jersey's pronounced cultural relevance at this point in time (thanks for coming around, America!) made this show a sensation that was just waiting to happen. I wish I could resist Jersey Shore, and chalk this ordeal up to over-hype, but the fact is that I loved every second of the two-hour premiere.
Since I am so inspired, I'm not recapping the show so much as running down the unique ways of the people we see on screen, as a group. Much like Rock of Love, whose void in pop culture Jersey Shore fills with Italian sausage, this may be a trashfest, yes, but it is cultural. This is how people live, and even though I spent my first 18 years in Jersey, their ways are foreign to me. We're all in this together. Come, let's learn the lessons:
- Eyebrows were made for sculpting, and sculpted for expressing.
- Hair on the way to being crispy and spiked...
...must first go through a colonial period...
- Real guidos...
...own tanning beds if they're actually serious about this thing.
- You can't say anything to somebody that looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off.
(I mean, I guess you could say, "Hey, you look like Rambo, pretty much, with your shirt off," but shhh! Mike hasn't figured that out yet!)
- And speaking of Mike, the matter of age seems to be relative.
He's 27, give or take 15 years. Who needs numbers when you've got handfuls of pussy aka the flesh abacus? Amirite, guys?
- The smaller the shorts, the better.
The unbuttoneder, the best.
- This is much the same as shirts:
Reports Ronnie: "Just take your shirt off, and they come to you. It's like a fly comes to shit." He seems perfectly OK with the fact that he just compared himself to shit. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner, and a self-aware one, at that!
- If you refer to yourself by an exceptionally ridiculous nickname...
...your fellow guidos and guidettes will have a hard time with it, and have no choice but to make a new one up, preferably one that is close to the original, but a bit more delicious-sounding. (Snooki becomes "Snickers," and as a character on reality TV, Snickers really satisfies.)
Not only sexually appropriate, but socially appropriate. It's much like running around with two W's attached to your nickname...
Who this bitch think she is: the second, and solo coming of Color Me Badd?
- And speaking of socially appropriate, if you want something...
...scream for it. It's like ordering takeout because the world is your speakerphone.
- The only flag that matters is the Italian one...
...and if it can be combined with other symbols, all the better.
This way your eyes have more time to look at tits.
- Here is a little song. You should make these up whenever the occasion strikes.
This one seems like it was cut short, though. The full couplet should go, "'Cause I would love to date ya / That's rouge I'm rocking, not Rosacea."
- This vantage point is all you need to know about whether you want to sleep in the same room with a person:
(I feel like this is a lesson that all of us should incorporate into our lives, not just the guidos and 'dettes. When you see white extensions, run for the hills.)
- Sorry, designers: no room is truly perfect without a stripper pole.
- If you are disappointed with the lack of attention you're suffering from in any given situation, try that situation without pants.
- For a more sophisticated approach, instead of a thong, wear a thong bikini. That's a little bit more classier if you're gonna wear anything at all, you know what I mean? After all, there are standards to maintain.
- It is acceptable to ask someone to hold your hair while you puke...
...just be prepared to be denied and perhaps berated for your pukey breath. But don't worry: when the time comes, you too can point out someone's pukey breath, because it'll probably make you feel better about yourself as a person and puker.
- Here's a nice traditional one: Girls are supposed to cook, and the guys are supposed to eat.
The reason for this is that women don't have digestive systems -- they absorb nutrients through service.
- Women are like fish...
...in ways that seem to have nothing to do with the odor of their genitalia. Very nice surprise, guys. Keepin' it classy like bikini thongs.
- If you are not soaking, you should not watch people cavort in hot tubs.
It will only leave you shaken. However, if you are in the hot tub...
...you should watch avidly. According to by-soaker Vinny...
...this is awesome.
- People who you meet and immediately are attracted to might turn out to be not what you think they are.
You think you know someone, and then you spend a full hour with them and bam: everything changes.
- All the whores...shut up!
(See? I told you!)
That's why they're often referred to by the more informal job title: Alexanders.
- Snickers started the friggin' poof.
Even though she's horribly incorrect, she can take pride in the fact that she has introduced it to a whole new generation.
(Also, I really want to refer to her as Amy Jagerhouse, but Snickers is suuuuuch a great name that I can't call her anything but that.)
- Abs sell T-shirts.
- Meanwhile, in other apparel news, the banana hammock has been reimagined:
- Ed Hardy front to back, motherfuckers:
(These screenshots appeared two seconds apart.)
- Ham is an acceptable replacement for sex.
- Fact: It only takes 9 lbs. of pressure to break a nose. I actually have no idea if that's true, but I'll take Paulie's word for it because he seems smart.
- Here's a very charming one: "If a girl's a slut, she should be abused." (If you haven't seen the show, take a wild guess before listening to that whether a man or woman said it.)
And now, a few words on words:
- This is acceptable pillow talk:
- The phrase "pound out" is an acceptable euphemism for "sex":
- Also, "Jerry Springer" is accepted as a verb.
- These words are a valid interlude into a physical confrontation:
- Also, dancing with older, larger women is how you generally contract pink eye.
It's known as a love disease. Hence the pink.
- It is acceptable to openly lust for a dude on steroids.
- And finally, the worst threat you could ever make to a guido? "Yo! I will cut your hair while you're sleeping." That probably makes their collective hair stand on end. Oh wait, no. The gel does that.
Anyway, the greatest thing about all these lessons is that the guys acknowledge the fact that they're writing The Guido Handbook. I'm merely a transcriber. Let's see how long I last.
So, that's it. Have a great weekend, everyone. Make sure you go upstairs to your whores, and have fun!