God, it seems like just yesterday that I was posting last episode's version of this:
Oh wait, it was. Jersey Jersey Jersey Shore Shore Shore. SO MUCH JERSEY SHORE. It's like they want us to get sick of it so that saying goodbye will be easier. Well, I've got news for you, everyone: no matter what, it's going to feel like someone punched me in the stomach when this thing goes off the air. Possibly because someone may reach out from the TV and literally punch me in the stomach. You never know with these people. I feel like the airwaves might not be enough to contain their rage for much longer.
Or whatever. Pummeling someone is really no big deal. Jwoww's exposed tongue shows that she was just joshing!
Our first lesson, is, of course related:
- When you toss someone out like the trash, do so with your pinkies extended.
Classier that way, you know? For, like Snooki, the Situation isn't trashy...unless he drinks too much. And since these people never drink too much, they're never trashy. Oh wait, I'm sorry. By "never," I meant "fucking always."
- Tampons really have a way of lightening the mood.
"If you leave, I'm gonna stuff your fuckin' nose with tampons," Snooki told Jwoww after she threatened to walk off the show. First of all, this is weird because I'm used to seeing people getting kicked off reality shows for being violent, not having the privilege of being able to come and go as they please. I don't even think this was a, "You can't fire me, 'cause I quit!" thing. I think Jwoww was just drunk (and trashy, obvs) and over the narcissistic rush of having your daily minutiae being deemed worthy of documentation. So. Weird. Never saw anything like it before! There's never been more reason to get out the lab coats and study these people!
Second of all, if Jwoww left, she wouldn't be around to have her nose stuffed with tampons. I guess Snooki didn't think that far because she just couldn't imagine life without Jwoww's non-genital tampon receptacles (that's the new name for nostrils, btw).
And speaking of the narcissism thing...
...just saying. These types tend to find a way on reality TV.
- Don't look for sense at the Jersey Shore.
There's a reason Jwoww's boyfriend isn't on this show. The reason is reason.
To this, Jwoww said, "NO!" as though her bf had just asked her if she wanted to appear in some lesbian bestiality porn ("Tampons are for noses, not goats' vajayjays! The answer is no!"). Clearly, he's thinking on an entirely difficult level. I'm glad Judge Judy is still alive and I hope she always is, but a small part of me wishes that we'd get to witness the tunnel to the earth's core that would result in her spinning around in her grave as a result of the lack of logic on Jersey Shore.
- This is a joke.
Apparently? Guess you had to be there/live in a culture of violence...?
- If you want to keep your guidette, you gotta do some guido work.
I wonder if Snooki put Keith up to the fist-pump, or if he just naturally exhibits guido tendencies. Also, after viewing a few more clearer shots of him in this episode, I can conclusively say that he is indeed fuckable. Good for Snooki. Also fuckable is this guy...
...despite his lack of muscles. That must mean he's a flag-of-Italy-shaved-into-his-pubic-hair grade Italian, right? It's gotta be one or the other for Snooks to deem him hot, right? I'm just so confused about her criteria -- I hope that she's learning that nothing's ideal and/or that there are exceptions to every rule of attraction. Because if so, we'd be converging again, and I'd really, really like that. Because I want us to be alike for some reason...? Again: exceptions to every rule...
The dude with the girlfriend that Snooki made out with looked cute, even blurred out. Just saying, she does pretty well for herself.
Also, part 2:
That's not the entire season summed up in a single screen shot, but it's damn close. (Needs more pummeling and GTL.)
- Bedazzling is not the way into a man's heart, no matter how well it matches the glitter in his bronzer.
You know you've struck out when the reaction to your I (Star of David) Jewish Girls shirt is, "I heart Jewish girls. Oh. My. God." Well, I mean, I hope you know that. Danielle didn't. She was as clingy as one of those plastic monkeys with arms that have a clothespin mechanism that you stuck to your bookbag in the '80s:
And really? I (Star of David) Jewish Girls? He barely even star of knows her!
This girl, though, might be the biggest tragedy this show has ever spawned:
You're embarrassing yourself, bro! Go away!
And speaking of Danielle...
- Here's how you let a clinging monkey clip go:
"I told you I would call you, I will call you, but no she can't. So, I'm not gonna call her, and then I'll wait for her to call me again, 'cause I know she will, and then I'll tell her the deal: she's too crazy." I was happy that someone lived up to their ideals for once:
"You stalked my whole entire life, right? And I don't like that. I do nothing wrong, and you know how I feel about...I'm talkin' now!" (This was about the 5,000th time Pauly used the phrase "stalked my whole life," mind you. He's spent his whole life talking about this -- I don't know where he finds the time to be stalked!) When Pauly got emotional regarding rides, it was like a melancholy breeze of youth gone by was blowing from my TV screen: "I went on one ride, God bless me, it's fuckin' summa!" God, that really hit me in the heart. Like the Situation and Sammi's nonexistent mutual attraction, my love of amusement-park rides goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten.
That's like me and Ocean City's mini-roller coaster City Jet. It was always sucking its lollipop at me and giving me eyes.
- Haterade is best served at room temperature.
Fuck what Mike said about serving it cold, this concoction of three inches of grated cheese (whatever that measurement means), milk, Caesar dressing, mayo and Snickers’ pickle juice was clearly meant to fester way after its ingredients were refrigerated.
Great prank, btw. This is one step up from picking your nose and wiping it on someone. I love that Sammi showed no loyalty to Mike after he'd confided in her that he'd been so unnecessarily shitty.
Also, watch out tampons! You've got some competition:
My favorite thing about this was not that Snooki cared about being pranked (I don't think she got it -- it was stupid and it's not like her to take any time to consider things, anyway), but that she was deeply offended that Mike and Pauly wasted, like, two pickles. Now we know: if you want to really get Snooki, hit her where it counts: her pickle wallet. Hmmm, that doesn't sound right, but whatever: letting it ride.
- Reconciliation is best served chilled.
This is how you do what's referred to as "chilling it out." Not very hard. Pretty chill.
- Eyebrows were made for sculpting, and sculpted for expressing.
This was one of our first Jersey Shore lessons. I'm so glad that it holds true! The only way to learn is through repetition and/or twitchy eyebrows. Fact!
- Mike, apparently, goes like this:
Here's Vinny's impression of Mike. I don't know, I like Vinny as a rare example of functioning brain activity, but this to me is lacking something. Hmmmm.
There we go. Much better. Let's do a side-to-side just to be sure:
Perfect. The situation is the Situation is being satirized. Circumstantial humor at its finest.
- Hooking up is essential to one's character.
When Ronnie and Vinny called the Situation out for showing his true colors over time and being all around inconsistent, he refuted this by noting, "Have I got girls everyday? Yeah! Have they not been pretty? Some days no, some days yes!" He's like Bobby Brown: getting girls is how he lives. Also, note the very sophisticated sentence construction here, which recalls Shylock's famous speech in The Merchant of Venice. Only the best/most literary for someone who takes out the trash with his pinkies out!
(Speaking of: Hath not a Jew eyes, Pauly? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?" Wait! Don't answer that. I want to continue liking you to the best of my ability.)
- Any outfit that allows you to fondle yourself is worth wearing.
Despite her misgivings ("My boobs are so tight, I can't breathe. Is that normal?"), Snooki pressed on (much like her nipples -- no word on whether they looked like they were levitatin' though). In the end, she looked slutty, but she didn't give a shit. Beautiful. Plus, who needs to breathe when oxygen getting to your brain is a rare treat, anyway?
Snooki's slutty-awareness, though, didn't stop someone else, who was clearly an idiot...
...being able to start a fight by saying she looked like a hooker. It ended with some guy knocked out cold...
...and Ronnie arrested, as he seems to have the self-control of a great white.
Thus ends another round of violence for these crazy kids. When Ronnie said that a lot of people are gonna start exploding on a lot of people right now, I was hoping he meant mutual bukkake. Is it too late to ask for a refund? Regardless, if watching Mike fit right back in with the group on the dancefloor taught me anything it's:
- There's nothing that a little dancing can't fix.
I like them again already! (Even more than that, though, I like how Sprockets it is to end on a dance.)