Crap email from a non-native English speaker

Twice now I've received this long, rambling and Google-translated email regarding Japan's brain size, the U.S. being full of "coward crassitude" and whaling and fish and "fishs of fishing" and...stuff. Both times, these emails (forwarded as translated articles with "Check Out This IgoUgo Review" in the subject) came after references to The Cove on this blog, so I kind of have a feeling that this is some sort of rebuttal for the film's very clear-cut argument against the slaughter of dolphins and the way the local government of Taiji implicitly incriminates itself by acting so fucking shady about it. Whatever! The thing is, as a connoisseur of mangled English (Pygmy was my favorite book of '09 for a reason!), this email only makes me want to post about The Cove more. Everyday! This blog is texting DOLPHIN to 44144 now and forever!

Since this email apparently is not on the Internet (I Googled to see if anyone else experienced such entertaining spamaganda), I thought I should share it. Perhaps you, like me, enjoy your protest rants garbled. Like I said, it's very long (like, so long you'll need to take a nap in the middle in order to finish it), so I've bolded my favorite bits, ONTD-style. My favorite line (and this is the hardest choice I've had to make on this dating show I call fourfour so far) is:

"Devil! Devil! Devil! Destroy the devil for protect the human fish!"

Onto the full email...

"This email has been sent from Japan. A Happy Now Year. please agree to the full whaling!

A, I teaches the seven evidence that your country is really the nation of coward crassitude / low brain

1, Japan never fights. You do not think about the whaling prohibition of fishing forever, want to let Japan fight with your low brain head.

2. The fish making an excursion in Japan is a southern limit in Vietnam, is a northern limit in Okhotsk. The whale of the South Pole does not eat Japanese fishs, eat your country's fishs.

3, Japan invented the radio weapon first in the world. It can be done it attack in the world not to be able to invent a foreign country, can kill an Asian whale by an electric wave. Japanese satellite occurs the world supernatural power. Because the electric wave is invisible, supernatural powers action by the electric wave is possible in a secret.

4, In the Japanese Government, the food is not troubled with the whaling prohibition of fishing at all. Japan can cultivate tunas from an egg.? Japan cultivates tens of thousands of tunas by the end of this year.

5, Because the Japanese Government thinks about the food of the nation, Japan is not troubled with food. The entertainment of our fishing is troubled. Even if Japan cultivates hundreds of millions of tunas, the tuna does not become the object fish of the fishing from the bank.? The whale become extinct the fishs of the fishing.

6, The old days, The Atlantic fish are exterminated by whales, and there are many bad mackerels now. Because the mackerels gather in night at the bank neighborhood, entirely produce in the fixed shore net. You kill mackerel, and release delicious fishs, kill a whale / a dolphin, increase palm with delicious fishs, You must try for entertainment upbringing of your nation. The country of you who cannot do it in it is crassitude, timidity.

7, The animal of a cow / the pig eats only the thing which is good for a body. The animal drinks even seawater deliciously. The mineral of the sea of the fish makes a brain better and can live in advanced age in health.


B. The Olympics and sports and the economy of each country and the relations of the whale damage low brain

1, Because 80% are poverty incomes, China wants to make a profit on sports. All the Chinese car companies are Japanese companies.

2, U.S.A. is the low brain which a fish does not eat. U.S.A. is desperate to win by sports for deceive you by war if strong. And because U.S.A. is the fool country which does not eat the fish, The senior citizen is only a strange person.

3, Because Japan eats a fish, is excellent, and become too much it wealthily, do not want to play sports. Because Japanese like looking on TV though, do not want to play sports, play sports to some extent.? An Oriental is small, Westerners are big, It is different by a race.

U.S.A. generated world University recession by oil robber War. The whale / dolphin drives into the extinction the tuna/many kinds fish. I explain these realistically, and am active in the world. The world tell a lie these. The world people are only people telling a lie. The whale / dolphin / manta eats fishs of 80% , fish cannot increase. Because the human being eats the adult fish, the human eat fishs of 20%.

The animal (cow / pig) eats only to good for a body. The cow / pig drinks only the seawater deliciously. If there are too many fish (mackerel) of bad meat, catch mackerels in the net and must feed the cow / pig it and mackerels decreases for the sea.

There is a lot only fish (mackerel/tala) of the bad meat in the Atlantic. The children of the fishs of delicious meat are become extinct by the whale / dolphin. Asian (the Pacific) has many the fishs(many kinds) of delicious meat fish. Japan killed whales and protected the fishs of the sea of the Pacific. If Please agree to the full whaling, the fish of the Pacific is protected, and the delicious fish can move to the Pacific from Asia.

Protect the fishs of fishing of the great entertainment flash entertainment king entertainment to heal fatigue of the human work and the fishs of the human food. Kill the whale / dolphin! The devil protecting the whale is the complete bad person. Is your country the crassitude big fool nation of the weak / weak / feeble / insect which is afraid of this bad person?

Because the whale/manta loses to the speed of the adult fish, the whale eats only child fishs. When the child of all fishs appears from eggs, the child fishs rise to the surface of the sea for demands security. Whales are always on the surface of the sea to eat a child fish. Even if the whale eats all small fish, the whale is hungry. The whales exterminate the fishs.

Japaneas fish: http://fishing-forum.org/zukan/list/main_wa.htm

The whale / dolphin is equal wolf and the devil! If there was not Japanese whaling, The fish is not in your country sea. If you want to protect whales, can you do to whales eat the large adult fish like human eating the large fish! Whales eat only small children of fish and shrimp of fish food, is cruel Mammals, is equal wolf and the devil!.

Your country is the cruel bad person country which exterminated almost childrens of the your country sea fish. Now that there became little number of fish by the whale / dolphin, you cannot save the fish if do not reduce the number of the whale / dolphin.

Your country please agree to the full-scale removal of a ban the whaling! Please protect the fishs of your country. Please protect the fishs of fishing of the entertainment to heal fatigue of the human work and the fishs of the human food.

Why does the devil protects the whale / dolphin which exterminated the fish!

Because the fish of the adult / child is nude, they move to the South Pole / equator / North Pole by seasons. The child fish is eaten for making a roundup arrest by a whale.

The whales / dolphins is mammals same as the wolf. The wolf make friends and fits the human being, too. As for the wolf which killed the leading role of the land, it was become extinct. As for the wolf (the whales / dolphins) killing the leading role (fishs) of the sea, it must be become extinct. The human being protecting wolfs in the present world where fishs was killed and decreased by wolfs, is the devil. The humans being protecting wolfs(the whales / dolphins)is the devil! Devil! Devil! Devil! Destroy the devil for protect the human fish!
The shark is a friend of the fish. The shark eats only the fish that dead / was damaged.

Your country please agree to the full-scale removal of a ban the whaling! Please protect the fishs of your country. Please protect the fishs of fishing of the entertainment to heal fatigue of the human work and the fishs of the human food.

Your country name is the crassitude big fool human country being exterminated the fish by whale. Your country People were made the body that sickly / War / Low brain / easy to get angry / global warming / had weak In advanced age by whale / dolphin / manta.

Your country is the cruel bad person country which exterminated almost childrens of the your country sea fish. If you want to protect whales, can you do to whales eat large adult fish like human eat large fish! The Japanese whaling contributes to the fact that you can catch fishs in the sea of your country. If there was not Japanese whaling, The fish is not in your country sea. Japan killed whales from old days and protected Asian fishs. The sea is a thing of the fishs which can live with plankton. The human being kills the whales of the eater for making a roundup arrest with childs of fish, and protect fishs! Whales eat only small children of fish and shrimp of fish food, is cruel Mammals.

Japan wins in fighting against U.S.A. / can kill a whale exterminating the fish/ can all diseases and kill the person of the other side of the earth and various countries in the world/ can generate an accident and disaster by japanease satellite electric wave.

U.S.A. only do the robbery war /thief the invention of foreign country / fraud / blackmail with the electric wave after it was taught electric wave technology by Japan. The best Japanese technology that grew up with the mineral of the sea has been transmitted to the minimum racial U.S.A. on the earth which did not eat a fish.

Japan launched satellites more than 100. Even if it is destroyed launching base, Japan can build / repair in several month. Japan can install satellite operation room in the secret in dozens of places. Because the satellite is the power of the solar battery, the satellite is usable more than 100 years The world cannot conquer space if the world does not collapse in U.S.A. only of space autocracy / War outbreak. The world cooperates and must fight against bad person U.S.A.

The fish is rich in the mineral of the sea and grinds a human brain excellently. The human being who does not eat a fish becomes physically weak with age. And, in disfavor with work, become the robbery nature and want to fight. Because the Olympics are the young generations, physical strength / the brain is the same even if eat anything when young. World advanced age is a Japanese by the Olympics. Because the Japanese eats a fish, work power / brain is the best to advanced age. The figure of the foreigner who does not eat a fish gets fat. You become sickly without it being supported a body when the foreigner becomes the cuttlefishs advanced age which are the nourishment of the mineral of the sea even if thin. The Japanese sumo is strong in the mineral nourishment of the sea. You understand it if you walk the foreign town you get fat and look quite sickly. Because senior citizen commands the armed forces, it wants to fight. The health of the senior citizen who does not eat fishs is out of order for robbery nature. The whales and the dolphins exterminate the fishs and generate wars and crimes on the earth. Because I wrote it in this way, does a foreign country do a crime to send world best age on by the Olympics from now on. U.S.A. only do the robbery war /thief the invention of foreign country / fraud / blackmail with the electric wave after it was taught electric wave technology by Japan. The best Japanese technology that grew up with the mineral of the sea has been transmitted to the minimum racial U.S.A. on the earth which did not eat a fish.

U.S.A. does not have the qualification with Japan as the territory. U.S.A. must leave Japan. Japan lost in an American nucleus and became the territory. Thereafter, Japan taught Japanese attack electric wave invention to U.S.A. Because the attack electric wave can blow up a nucleus hangar, the electric wave is much stronger than a nucleus. That means, U.S.A. does not have the right with Japan as the territory.
Japan is possible for a fire / blow up American base / launching pad / airplane / ship / all by an electric wave . At the time of issue of rice liberalization, American big business seems to have done an inferno in succession. Even if there are not the Japanese armed forces, Japan easily beats U.S.A. by a satellite electric wave.

U.S.A. is crazy and low brain country that U.S.A. does not eat fish. Germany begins invention with a nucleus for the first time. U.S.A. learned the nucleus from a German fugitive. U.S.A. learned the radio weapon technology from Japan And U.S.A. aimed at the world conquest by war. U.S.A. destroyed the space development of other countries by an electric wave, and U.S.A. aimed at the space conquest. Only U.S.A. performs go to the space before earth collapse, and the foreign country all people die. The collapse of the earth is the back for 100,000,000 years by sun approach. If world country collapse the U.S.A, The world conquers space 100 years later. Resources / planet / the land is a thing of the countries which discovered earlier. Because the planet do not need many peoples, the foreign spaceship is died by attacked from the planet. The earth collapsing by sun approach does a global war for a reason with the lie, and it is all the members death. You are deceived by U.S.A. during long years.

Japan can kill a whale by an electric wave. Because you still sell a lot of fish in a Japanese total shop, do not you understand it? In the sea of your country, the fish is eaten by a whale and is not popular in a shop. There are few fish of the sea of your country. The whale of the Japanese sea kills it by an electric wave, and there are many fish. Japan can guide a whale by an electric wave. In addition, Japan can collect whales in one place by an electric wave. The fish of your sea do not increase unless your country whales early and lifts the ban. If need it;, in the country of you who make a ban on the hunting of whales, is crassitude. Because the fish of your country was already considered to be a whale just before the extinction, at first, kill a dolphin of the bad-smelling bad meat which is not delicious. The fish of your country increase if I do so it. Even if the dolphin eats a lot of delicious fish, the meat of the dolphin is bad. The dolphin is a whale. More than 4m are called a whale. Less than 4m are called a dolphin. The sea of your country has few fish. Therefore the whale does not grow. The whale cannot bear a child. The whale merely passes by. If a fish is few it, whales become little|few. And the whales of the big body become extinct. The world protects a fish from a whale and must increase fish now.
Because the electric wave is invisible, all the electric waves become a secret. It is the bait of the fish without floating if the electric wave guide the whales to the deep bottom of the sea by an electric wave and murder the whales. The Japan government recognizes the numerical whale which does not destroy the food of the nation so that it is recognized in the world. The destruction of entertainment such as the fishing accepts it with a whale.
You do not be deceived to U.S.A. which become rich and make the world poverty at exterminate the fish by whales and dolphins. U.S.A. exterminated the delicious fish to be able to eat directly which I did not use fire for by a whale and made the earth warming. U.S.A. let you cook meat with fire, and the world kitchen produced CO2.

Because the meat of small whale and dolphin are bad, Japan use the electric wave in the bottom of the sea and murder whale and the dolphin, and throwing it away has value. The delicious large size whales at the South Pole and coaxes the world in conspiracy with U.S.A. and does Japan and the United States conspiracy strategy to threaten the world. If Japan and the United States fight about South Pole whaling, the world that was afraid of does not whale. And the world fish become extinct, and it is a plan to be possible in poverty in the world. Because a dolphin is mammals same as a wolf, it is natural to come if a human being reads. You shoot the dolphin of bad meat with a gun to increase the fish of the sea of your country when the dolphin approach a ship and can throw it away. The whale / the dolphin/ the mantas exterminate the fishs of fishing of the entertainment to heal fatigue of the human work and the fishs of the human food. Because the microbe of the land animal body lives in the human body, and the human being gets sick, and the person cannot eat an animal. Because the microbe of the seawater cannot live in the human body, the human being can eat saltwater fish directly. Your country kills whale/manta/dolphin, and must protect fishs of your country.

If Japan invents it, U.S.A. does only war with it. Japan do not invent to let American fight. Japan invented all the radio weapons which American used. An example: Japanese Seto-ohashi is not reflected in the radar. Japan invented the stealth bomber machine. Because I cut the stealth bomber airplane by looking, You are reflected in the radar if a pulse converts the electric wave of the radar into the frequency of the visible range. And Japan can attack back country / various countries in the world of the earth if Japan uses the satellite toward it and fires an attack electric wave. Japan is possible in one satellite so that detection / attacks person / thing of the country of the bottom of the earth.

U.S.A. did only war and continued exterminating the fish and made the world poverty The world must retaliate against U.S.A.
Because the whale loses to the speed of the adult fish, the whale eats only child fishs. When the child of all fishs appears from eggs, the child fishs rise to the surface of the sea for demands security. Whales are always on the surface of the sea to eat a child fish. Even if the whale eats all small fish, the whale is hungry. The whales exterminate the fishs.

U.S.A. did war to steal an oil base. Bcause, can prevent terrorism / the abduction crime by an electric wave. There is Afghanistan in preparation for the Iraqi War. The attack electric wave angered Hussein by an electric wave for many years and planned. An American company owns the oil base now. The gas price is lower than the present half without Iraqi / Arab War. U.S.A. nominated oil prices for several times and made the world big recession. The oil prices are still more than double. It became decisive to steal money from the world with oil in the future till U.S.A. disappeared from the earth. If U.S.A. fights against one country, the world country must fight against U.S.A. That, in the world, only one country should be good; do not be out of order. The world fights against U.S.A. and must retaliate for U.S.A. British / Germany must not become the American slave country.

The American nucleus disposal declaration is my stratagem to escape from this activity. It is the plan that U.S.A. deceives the world from this thing. The world radio weapon blows up a nuclear bomb in a nucleus cabinet. U.S.A. is to escape from this thing. U.S.A. destroyed a fish and a company from the world and made the world poverty. It is the stratagem that U.S.A. escapes from this thing. U.S.A. declares the nucleus disposal and reminds the world with a good country. This thing thinks that U.S.A. can deceive cruel attack to the conventional world that U.S.A. did. Send U.S.A. out of Japan early. If the world does so it, the world becomes rich. An electric wave attacked the world in a secret, and U.SA. made the world poverty. Though the world collapses in U.S.A., it is disuse with a weapon. The world do not buy an American product! You will let this cooperate with the world with an email / fax / news. Though the world collapses in U.S.A., the world is disuse with a weapon.

Though the world collapses in U.S.A., it is disuse with a weapon. The world do not buy an American product!
Do not buy American Electric / car of GM / Cadillac / Buick / Pontiac / Chevrolet / Saturn / HUMMER / NUMMI / Ford / Lincoln / Mercury / Shelby / SSC / Chrysler / Jeep / Dodge / Saleen / Freightliner / Sterling Trucks / Paccar / PETERBILT / KENWORTH / DAF / MACK / Navistar / AVANTI / Panoz / Ci / Zeta / Mosler / Vision / Callaway / Hennessey / Tesla! Though the world collapses in U.S.A., it is disuse with a weapon.

U.S.A. generated the world University recession. For the purpose of U.S.A. taking an oil base; of the plan fought. An American company owns the oil base now. U.S.A. raised it by gas price, and U.S.A. generated world University recession. U.S.A. throw a foreign oil base up! If there is not the premeditated Iraqi War to anger in a radio weapon if it does not occur, the gas price is half. Because the American company where the salary is high owns the gasoline, the price is high.

Get back an oil base from the American company! If U.S.A. does not put back the oil base that U.S.A. got by robbery, the world must fight against U.S.A.

I establish free mail (yahoo / goo / excite / infoseek / hot), and the email to the foreign country is prevented with several times. Please send this email to the country of the circumference from your country. I do not know the address of the person of your state politics. Please send this email to your state politics family / your nation / below address ."

First of all, you don't have to speak Japanese-to-English to know that this is insane in repetition alone. Second of all, I eat plenty of fish, thank you very much!

Comments

[jefe]

W
T
F

my favs are
The animal drinks even seawater deliciously

and
The senior citizen is only a strange person.

[kathotdog]

I am now thinking of having shirts printed with "Low Brain" and "Devil!Devil!Devil!" on them.

I couldn't even read entire thing, but I now what to go buy a set of Callaway
Golf Clubs and drink some Hennessey.

[Em]

wtf Rich. I mean, I speak Japanese and I can't wrap my head around how they came up with half of that.

The cynic in me also wants to point on Japan's spent a large chunk of it's history in wars and the only reason they're in a peace keeping role at all is because of wars they lost. But it's a foolhearty errand to argue with fantastaspam.

[Tziedel]

"The destruction of entertainment such as the fishing accepts it with a whale."

This is the most wonderfully crazy thing I've read in days. Thanks for posting it.

[A.P.]

This reminds me of that South Park episode that explains why the Japanese people poach whales, and now I'm beginning to think they were right. The japanese don't fish whales, they kill them because they hate them and think they are evil

This poorly translated email is quite enlightening.

[seeldee]

brb. I have to write a comment, translate it into Japanese using Google translator, then translate it back to English from the Japanese.

[seeldee]

I think I see the problem...

Rich, this huge email you got was fucked up. It's a shame that the person who wrote it couldn't have taken the time to draft a coherent argument; he clearly feels passionately about his point of view. Oh well, thanks for the yukks.

Became:

豊富な場合は、この巨大なメールがめちゃくちゃいたもの。それを残念に思う人は首尾一貫した引数の草案に時間がかかっていない可能性が書いたものだ、彼は明らかに情熱的に見ると彼のポイントについて感じている。まあ、yukksに感謝します。

Which became:

If wealth is what the email was this huge mess. I feel sorry people it was written it could not take time to draft a coherent argument, he feels about his point of view clearly passionate. Well, yukks Thanks. s.

[Ashley Alexander]

Entitled, ignorant fuck.. it's one thing to try to defend one's cultural right to eat certain foods and it's another to advocate the annihilation of a species just because you happen to be competing with it for food.
It's sad that this ends up being a representation of Japan--most of the people I meet and talk to here are not so unforgivingly stupid.

[Brian Cooksey]

I want to let Japan fight with my low brain head!

[Pete]

"Japan never fights"

HA, I think WWII could be a good argument against that point.

[Erin]

My low brain reels! Babelfish win. I can't wait to gush my devil feelings on all the world's leaders via babelfish. Glory is the now time.

[ger]

This sounds about as coherent as that purple tent dress lady from the Oscars

[Joie]

You weren't joking about taking a break. I'm seriously going to have to come back later and read all of this. But honestly, thank you for posting this--I'm going through some really bad shit and this is the first thing that made me laugh all-out for a few days. PROTECT THE FISHS OF MY LAUGHTER, RICH.

Also: Reading it aloud dramatically to someone INCREASES BY 50% THE HILARITY OF THE FISHS. My boyfriend and I have agreed that if you could get William Shatner to perform a dramatic reading, the universe would implode under the weight of such ridiculousness.

[Reese]

I feel like this is the dialog from every anime I have ever watched.

[trick please]

I could not finish that... I know you warned us but damn!

But I really like the "...drinks seawater deliciously" and the "cow/pig, fishs" references. I'll try to work that into my work emails somehow.

I hope no one thinkd we're making fun of none native English speakers, but this is precious.

[trick please]

that damned Google translator...

[Zett]

I read this and it sounded exactly like those insane rambling Blog comments about certain music artists being in the Illuminati.

[jelodi97]

My personal fave:
"Whales eat only small children of fish and shrimp of fish food,"

Won't someone think of the children?=fish?

I'd like to hear what the Koreans and Chinese have to say about "Japan doesn't fight."

[Penny]

At least the final zinger came through clearly, "I eat plenty of fish, thank you very much!" Whether that proves or disproves any of the points in this diatribe is anyones guess.

[chikochevere]

Very "all your base are belong to us" to me for some reason. I LOL'd, L'dMAO & R'dOFL. It's kinda like that Family Guy running gag of the 2 foreigners who almost sound like regular Americans, until they say something of complete fuckery. Except this made me laugh.

[OA]

This is my absolute favorite part: "As for the wolf (the whales / dolphins) killing the leading role (fishs) of the sea, it must be become extinct."

A glorious piece of WTF.

[beerz]

At least Pygmy was understandable. I didn't even get through all of this but whatever i did read made my brain hurt. Thanks for the laughter and the confusion!

i must go drink my bottled water deliciously now......actually whever consuming any food, i will be sure to make sure i consume deliciously.....

also, whales/dolophins are obviously evil!

[Vicki]

The next time I go to a bank at night, I'm going to be very cautious of all the bad mackerel. Those delinquents.

[baby]

Courtney Love is in Japan?

[N]

Maybe this is the man they dubbed "No Trespassing" in the film?