Usually, I have a shot of the eliminated girl in this pre-post space.
But when a sheep shows up in a snout-harness, all bets are off.
C'mon, Anslee. Don't be pissed. You know you're no competition for a sheep.
Her voice was tear-heavy as she said her goodbye to Anslee, and her face looked scrunched up enough to at least approximate crying. So, counts.
However, as soon as Anslee was out of the room and Krista received the opportunity to share in her prize of a first-class flight to New Zealand...
...she got over her friend's passing right quick. The joy of frivolity supersedes any interpersonal connection. I mean, duh. It's just where we are as a culture.
Love that she cried about losing the reality show before adding, "I am excited to see my child, of course." Of course. Like I said: It's just where we are as a culture.
And here's where we are as an audience: in a word, united. For you see...
"(In the recap of last week's episode at the start of the show) Brenda was strugglin' and failing to inspire the judges. So...we sent her home!"
I love how her recap chirp contrasts heavily with the gravity she used to address Brenda during the actual elimination. She means it only in the moment -- otherwise, looking back she knows this is much of a joke as everyone else. We're all reveling in the frivolity at this point, but hey, at least we're having fun.
"For us to be able to look up her nose and for that to still be that stunning is quite rare."
I feel like this is really disparaging to booger fetishists and that's wrong. You don't choose to be turned on by dried snot. She acts like it's otherwise disgusting. What a bigot.
"Oh! I'm so upset. I mean, I love your face, it's like handsome and interesting and like..."
Oh! I completely believe her! And way to twist in the knife by calling her "handsome," like she's Jamie Lee Curtis or some shit. And don't even get me started on "interesting." You know what's interesting? Testicular feminization. Jamie Lee again! I can't believe Tyra didn't send Anslee away with a comb for her mustache or some salt for her scar.
Love that she called Anslee "Miss Face" while doing this:
Way to instantly back up your statement with authority, oh Duchess of Face.
And let's hear from her right hand, the Gizzard of Ahs in this week's Talley Tally:
On Anslee's hideous shot:
A stereotype a cliche? Now I've heard everything! Please tell me more, ALT, and make sure you use several unnecessary synonyms along the way.
Also, I can't believe the toe is bothering him. What bothers me is that the hair of Anslee's skirt looks like explosive diarrhea. Stereotypical perhaps, but as fashion photo shoots go, not a cliche.
On Alexandra's approximation of a shrub in The Lion King on Broadway...
Come on, ALT. She's a white girl: trying to do a dance that is not a dance is just how she lives. Cut her some slack.
I love that Angelea is enough of a mind-fuck to warrant being mentioned as such politely (well, I never!). I love even more that someone on this show finally admitted to be mentally challenged.
1. After all, how do you describe this?
A guy with a New Zzzzzzleand accent!
Catching even more Zzzzzzs! After all, how else are the mental toddlers going to learn if not by repetition?
This is really the stupidest overseas announcement in the. History. Of. America's. Next. Top. Toddler. Z's for New Zealand? Seriously? That's what they came up with and were like, "Yeah. That's good. Needs no further fine tuning. We're going with Z's." The whole, "I need some sleep," thing was totally bogus because they were obviously asleep (and not even dreaming, not even fucking REM sleep!) when they conjured that shit. That is some pillow-drool-level cleverness.
Z's for New Zealand! I still can't get over it!
More than ever, this show is Romper Room.
2. It's also a puppet show, as Pat Celeveland's eye makeup is straight out of Meet the Feebles.
Does she have braces? It would only make me love her more, if so.
To what do we owe the good fortune of a second appearance from Pat Cleveland? This feels fantasticals!
Pat reminds me of that Shirley Temple knock-off that once taught Lisa Simpson how to tappa tappa tappa. Beneath that sugar, spice and rouge is something sinister, something diabolical that could turn upside down the smile on even the most determined eye.
That disapproving guy makes this my favorite screen shot of the episode, if not the cycle so far. He clearly knows nothing of high fashion and how it applies to Pat's general behavior.
For real, give me a crazy old lady any day, and I'm fucking set. I live for this shit and its corkscrew curls.
Check out her face just as she's done addressing the girls on the importance of having their personalities come through:
It looks like she's entranced and moving toward the light. Is she distracted by something shiny or Angelea's...existence?
If it's the latter, I'm sure the feeling is mutual:
3. Especially Angelea, though.
She was serving a big plate of spaghetti arms this week...
Spaghetti arms with meat, since some people be sayin' she be actin' like a drag queen. I'm sure that isn't even the half of what some people be sayin' about Angelea.
She is such a bobomonster, isn't she?
I hate to sound like Nigel, but she's so wrong, she's right. She is basically an aggressive buffoon who's able to outsmart everyone by default, who mistake her farts of aggression for pointed barbs. Like, Raina calls this her "'I'm better than everyone else' dance":
But that couldn't be any sign of superiority because it's SO FUCKING BUSTED. She's literally turning her partner round and round and people are, like, scared about it. Only in this world of control through fear and jilted intellect, you know? I love it, I love it, I love it. I LOVE THIS FUCKING CYCLE!
4. And speaking of jilted intellect, do you know what you should do if the elevator button light fails to illuminate?
Why, knock, of course!
I believe it was Jessica who put it so delicately:
And I bet she didn't even know about the knocking. I love that Alasia said that she's on a "journey of discovery." Discovery of what? Button alternatives? How loud she can get her voice to shout? How many times she can say the same word in a single sentence?
Here's a tip: sentences are as long as you want them to be. Go try making the longest sentence of all time, Alasia. Come back to us when you're done, which should be never, if you do it right.
I'm just kidding. This cycle would not be the same without her. Here's another tip: when people get to you and start rushing you even if it's for your own good...
...brush out those kinks and bitches.
And, look, whether you're on Team Stank or Team Rancid, you have to admit that the bad girls had the best reactions to going abroad:
They are humble in their own way. I would go as far as to call them inspiring:
5. Drag queens in the drag queen place!
Oh sorry, wrong screen shots. These are the contestants of the spin-off America's Next Top Yeti. It will be followed by The All-New Celebrity Alien Autopsy.
I guess that title is apt if you consider Weaven Steven a celebrity.
Why oh why is his name "Weaven" and not "Weavin'?" Please, please tell me that the "E" is intentional and signifies something that I'm not picking up. Please tell me he's the smart one in my equation of mental strife. Because what I'm picking up is a cluelessness that goes way beyond his apparent thinking that grills are a) cool or b) so not cool that they're ironically cool. (Wrong and wronger.) Have we gone over this bothersome E already? I know he's been on this show before.
I hated this photo shoot. Just like I don't enjoy E's where I's should be, I don't enjoy hair where clothes should be. I don't enjoy pubic hair on boobs...
...and I don't enjoy (in Jay Manuel's words) "Krista with a side of Grace Jones," like Grace Jones is coleslaw or something. Really, the best thing about this shoot was Alasia. Her initial reactions were great. "Whose hair?" Instant classic. Her expressions? Destined to be helpful on messageboards when your befuddlement can only be expressed with moving image.
...or, if you like something more succinct:
Her shot? Flawless.
Tyra got on her for not offering variation, but shit, if you do something perfect the first time, why the fuck do you have to keep trying to make it even more perfect? It ain't a union.
6. Drag queens in the drag queen place for real this time:
I loved that this was basically a reference to RuPual's Drag Race, which is a reference to this show. All this referencing is like a own perpetual motion machine. The secret to the energy crisis is postmodern pop culture, I just know it!
I swear I've seen the late, great Sylvester wearing an extremely similar head covering. And so, by looking butcher than usual, Miss J looked more like a drag queen than ever.
My favorite thing about this scene was the Tyra queen:
I can't even believe that Tyra Not Queen had the sense of humor about herself to allow this. I can only assume that she figured that with hair soooo Cycle 10, no one was actually going to mistake her for this drag queen, since everyone is hanging on her every last lace-front strand. If this queen would have showed up rocking a chignon, it woulda been straight up, "Off with her head! Who's the queen now, bitch?"
7. And I seriously don't give a fuck about Whitney Port, her fake life on TV or her real one, but I thought this outfit was hilarious:
I don't know. Maybe it's high fashion. What the hell do I know? I bought a Rockawear shirt yesterday. (But really, I do think it's pretty hilarious and it reminds me of Reality Bites.) Whatever, my point is that this looks so much like the outfit this girl wore during our 7th grade lip synch contest while performing Kym Sims' "Too Blind To See It." How fucking Jersey is that, lip synching to a semi-obscure house track in intermediate school? And how fucking drag ball was it for a lip synch contest to be an official school event? Remind me never to complain about my upbringing again, as it clearly was full of culture, whether it knew it or not.
8. And speaking of knowing it or not...
They don't. Here's the best part of your week, every week:
Bianca: Alasia. She just can’t get it together! This isn’t the first time she was late. You should learn from your mistakes and fix it.
Laura: Yes, ‘cause in the modelin’ world, the real world, anywhere: you can not be late. You are wastin’ people’s time.
Bianca: Would you have waited for her?
Laura: I woulda been like, first level.
So, they're just saying words at each other at this point. Or, in the case of Bianca, not saying words and merely giggling. Nice. Why say words when you can not say words? That's what I always say, often silently.
I miss the days when there was only one Tyra. :(
10. Annnnd, that's it. If they don't show Krista and Angelea zapping the very concept of "class" from "first class" next week, I'm gonna be mighty disappointed. But for now, I remain hopeful. Oooh, we're goin' to New Zealand!!!
All right, get outta here.