Alas...uuuuh...?

Dahaaaang! Alasiaaaaaaa! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!

(My favorite part is the arm sweep/flick at the end.)

45. Angelea

 

"I don't wanna go home!" said Angelea. I wonder if she didn't grasp the quality of TV she was creating or even the concept of creating quality TV as something that will keep you around, but YEAH RIGHT to the idea that they're going to send her anywhere before the finale. She is so intuitive when it comes to content that they should give her an executive position at the CW. Cry all way to your corner office, babe. 

46. Krista

I think she was crying, but it's so hard to tell with this one. Certainly, there's no tragedy that a first-class ticket couldn't cure.

47. Angelea

I'm gonna talk more about this specific instance in a second, but let's just say that it can be summed up in this directive: drink my Kool-Aid, get your FUCKING HANDS off my Kool-Aid.

48. Jessica

Jessica's going to go home and practice being ugly. Spike your Kool-Aid with hydrochloric acid and pour it on yourself, how 'bout?

Also, what the fuck was up with Alasia handling her elimination with dignity and nary a tear? She had little temper tantrums every week, regardless of when she was called. I know, I gif'ed them! Was it, like, opposite week since they were Down Under? Thus, Angelea scored six out of six go-sees, Alasia exhibited grace, fucking sheep became acceptable, etc.? This lack of an emotional fireworks display worked against Alasia in my book. Had she thrown a fit, I would have been reminded of the monster I fell in love with and mourned her departure. In actuality, the best I could muster was a "meh." I mean, her most gif-able moments were in the car.

She disappointed me in all the wrong ways. She was so wrong, she was wrong. (Another symptom of opposite week?)

And now, get ready to be disgusted:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"I love this girl's inhale. It's almost like she's in pain and orgasmic moment at the same time. It's a combination."

She is referring to Alexandra's photo.

And praising the pain/orgasm thing would be creepy enough, except what apparently has Alexandra so orgasmic is a sheep.

Seriously, people, what the fuck was with all the sexual suggestiveness in the company of sheep? It's not like they few to the fashion capital of Scotland. They were all so icky about it! Nigel saw "fire" and "passion" within Alexandra, for what I assume is the first time. Alexandra can feel whatever way she wants, but it's worthy of a pause that it took the sheep to get out the passion. And don't even get me started on Krista.

I loved when Jessica said, "I'm not feeling it," and the sheep was like...

 

"Whhhhhy? I'm into it."

I loved even more when Angelea asked, "Can I sit on it?" Only if you aim for the face, Angelea!

And how about Nigel calling them "horny beasts?"

I don't know if the girls just haven't seen men in a while or if it was the sheep that were the problem.

That sheep is totally chewing like a lech.

Bottom line: stop having sex with sheep on camera, everybody.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Now Angelea, there's something that you have to work on. You have sometimes such a dejected demeanor. It looks like self-pity, and it's not attractive. Sometimes when you're waiting for bad news, hold that head up high and take it like the strong woman that you are. Congratulations, you're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model."

I'm sorry, did I say "drink my Kool-Aid"? I mean, "Eat the cake, Anna Mae." What the fuck is this hold-your-head-up-high-while-I'm-putting-you-down shit? It's like putting an orange in a vise and then scolding the resulting juice. Tyra wants these girls to invest so much in this ridiculous process (Lord knows, we see what happens when they handle their "bad news" with a sense of humor), but I guess said investment means getting used to criticism at all times, even when you're in the throes of investment.

I also think the most needless criticism is for people's natural reaction to things. It pisses me off to no end. "You didn't react in exactly the way I want you to," is reacting in exactly the way I don't want people to.

I need solace. I need magic.

 

Haaay!

On Alaisa's shot:

"If I were you, I would have had some sort of intereaction with the little Princeling sheep. It is Werthering Heights, but I'm not getting that emotion from you."

Look, I know we all fuck up and say things that don't make sense. I wish I could say I were as articulate as the standard I hold people to. I forgot the word "dressing" for a good 15 seconds yesterday. I get it. But "intereaction" and "Princeling" (the sheep's name was "Prince," which I learned strictly from context) and Werthering Heights? I'm convinced that these were no accidents because they're all needless extensions of the real words they aspire to. It's all about screen time, people. This is ALT's subtle way of announcing his takeover. The fact that Nigel used the word "dreckitude" (and attempted to make his own overlong word with "dressitude") that ALT's presence is causing an intereaction amongst the panel. He's contagious! It's an intereaction not unlike a rash, in fact.

On Alexandra's shot:

"You have intereacted with the Prince! The Prince is yours! You are desperately waiting for him to turn back into Prince Charming."

All right, ALT, I'll let you have "intereacting" and whatever else you want to make up or conveniently say wrong or whatever, but PLEASE EVERYONE STOP TRYING TO PROJECT ROMANTIC INTEREST ON THESE SHEEP FROM THE GIRLS. Seriously, they did it so much that my mind started to wander into a horrible, horrible back alley in Times Square circa '82.

But you know what's timeless?

1. Being hot in the club.

"What? Nuvo isn't just a sparkling vodka, it's also a birth control? Gotcha. Coo."

 

"You got bottle service and White Castle service? Fly."

 

"Ed Hardy makes toilet paper? Fly up my butt. Haaaay!"

Whatever drugs they serve on the planet Angelea's from (a planet that serves drugs, mind you) are way more potent than the drugs they serve on the planets that the panel members are from.

Pass the space dust/spice, please..

2. Oh boy did I love that we got to see Krista and Angelea in first class.

First of all, I don't think we've ever been privy to seeing them cavort on their foreign-location-bound plane before. The animation reminded me of that. And here I thought the disembodied heads en route to whatever "fashion capital" would never change. Fuck what you heard: you can teach a disembodied, computer animated head new tricks!

I loved how they rubbed their first-class status in everyone's faces.

It's true, I can't resist an asshole.

Or a brat. I definitely love the terrible types. Give me your stank, your gutterbutt, your huddled prostitutes yearning to breathe for a fee, the wretched refuse of your teeming society.

But you know what the best thing about this was? They weren't actually in first class, at least if an email came that came in this week from Charlie L., is to be believed:

"Just wanted to let you know that when Tyra promised first class transit for my beloved Angelea and Krista, she was totally lying. That cheap bitch only flew them business class! I am going to sound like an asshole when I say that I know because I flew Air New Zealand business class and that was what Krista and Angelea flew. Granted Air New Zealand doesn't have a first class and business class is the best they have, BUT Tyra was still lying."

So there you go. Just like ALT likes to use longer words than necessary just cuz, Tyra likes to use words falser than necessary just cuz (allegedly). Like, obviously business class was a beautiful, magical place, and could have been referred to as such, but no. This business class was to first class what America's Next Top Model is to a real model. Allegedly.

3. But what a greeting, right?

 

 

(That one's totally the hottest. Your country is very beautiful, and by "country," I mean "indigenous peoples.")

We should all be so lucky as to have stocky men with extremely flexible tongues like these Māori greet us after long journeys. It would make my morning commute seem worth it.

4. Also:

Just in case you were unclear, New Zealand looks like Arkansas. I've never been to either, so I can only assume this is true. The girls on this show are so cultured that I doubt they'd be wrong about such matters.

Also:

 

Apparently, New Zealand is not right above Canada or something like that. But again, I've never been to either, so I can't be sure.

5. I feel like it's been forever since I've been so inspired to make a gif of Tyra Banks (let alone two), so these two were nice reminders of her capacity to provoke feelings other than revulsion:

 

 

It was a very go-with-what-you-know moment for me. A very back-at-one time. A very evil-comes-home kinda deal. (The latter, btw and not at all coincidentally, is the tagline for Halloween: Resurrection, the chapter in the series that Tyra appeared in. The mask looked so fierce on her and she totally smized the entire time. Psycho!)

6. Sorry, ANTM.

 

Even if that rainbow grew an arm and fisted a dude, you still wouldn't be able to wrestle back the title of TV's Gayest Show from RuPaul's Drag Race.

Still: very pretty.

 

I bet it was right there that Alasia had her epiphany that she indeed is someone as a result of a reality show. The lovers, the dreamers, the drama-starting bitches whose throats are hoarse from screaming everything.

7. Seriously?

 

"Ethnic elegance" sounds like the praise of a whitey who's trying really hard not to be whitey. I feel like it'd be racist of me to attempt to guess which panel member said it.

Oh, and if that's ethnic elegance, this is facial foulness:

Granted, the wide shot is lovely and impossible and, as Jessica might say, so technological!

But I don't see how the close-up is anything but I smell dookie...of sheep. 

And now for something delicious-smelling...

8.

Bianca: OK. Twenty-one hour fight from New York to New Zealand.

 

Laura: Ridiculous. And then they had to go on go-sees? That’s crazy! I look like pure trash...
Bianca: (Whispering) Me too.
Laura:...when I get off a plane.

 

Bianca: (Realizing Laura’s thought wasn’t yet complete when she agreed) Me too.
Laura: It’s just, it’s scary what I look like. I feel sorry for all of ‘em!
Bianca: I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Obviously, what's great about this is how quickly Bianca agreed with the statement, "I look like pure trash," as though she's been waiting all these years for a kindred ANTM spirit. They should start a pure trash support group. I can't wait to see what happens next!

9. And finally, let's throw a Pretty Party for Angelea's triumphant hair.

Cleopatra comin' atcha:

I love that even with this hair, even with her kicking her heels up...

...and doing her cat routine...

...and being her otherwise inexplicable self...

...she managed not only to make every assigned go-see, but to book each one. 

 

From what I recall, this is the first time ever in the. History. Of. America's. Next. Top. Model. That anyone's ever done that. I credit the Avatar braid.

(Anglea's avatar's name is Bobomonster, duh.)

Granted, her competition wasn't so fierce. She didn't commit any mortal sins like Ugg boots...

...or barely visible acne.

She didn't flaunt her bloat...

...or sport a bad stankin' walk...

...like she wanna hold her purse and just be in church goin', "Yes, Lord!"

Also keep in mind that New Zealand seems to be run by lunatics who aren't into armpits and who say things like, "Krista was really cute! To me, she was teenage Bambi."

But just to give you some perspective, that woman also thinks the dog in her hands is geriatric Thumper.

Regardless of the variables, and weirdness, Angelea took them all by storm!

This show has officially crossed over from absurd to absurdist, and I, for one, could not be happier.
  

Comments

[M]

First! LOVE IT.

[Guy Deluk]

This cycle is gold already! J'adore! Longue vie à toi Rich!

[Guy Deluk]

Plus - acceptable sheep is fierce. Sheep ftw - Raina will still go with it - agreed with you right from the start

[Vanessa M]

You'd think out of all countries, New Zealand would be the place to wear Ugg boots without shame. It's a sheepy place. They acted like she came in wearing black Reebok high-tops and leg warmers.

Angelea is just in the wrong cycle. If only we could see her club walk when they did that CoverGirl commercial that was improvised at a party (you know, the one with Jade's "I feel FAB-ulous.")

Angelea actually reminds me so much of Jade in the sense that she is quite lovely until she opens her mouth. And btw, this:

"Ed Hardy makes toilet paper? Fly up my butt. Haaaay!"

was pure sunshine.

[Guy Deluk]

Huddled prositutes? Magic! I must love the terrible ones too I guess

[Tadz]

I await the Angelea catgifwall with delighted anticipation!

[Sally]

I don't even watch this show, I just love reading these recaps.

[Karen]

Did anyone else notice the number of times Angelea's hairdo changed when she was in the cab for the go-sees? I swear at one point her hair changed 5 times within a span of 30 seconds.

[Akp]

That group of Maori warriors/model greeters were also used in on of the past seasons of the Amazing Race. I think each shirtless Maori had a 'tribal' drawing on his back, and one team mate had to match up the drawing with another drawing that was somewhere else [on a piece of paper, or a drawing on another dudes back? I don't know].
So I don't remember exactly how that segment went, but I have seen those dudes before and they were doing the exact same thing!
America's next top model, ya'll are unoriginal!

[MB]

ALT may have been trying to be clever, since a 'wether' is a castrated sheep. Wether-ing heights?

[yaya]

i love angelea she looks like the cutest troll with this hair! but i guess shes not going to win because shes a mother?
id love to see krista winning but i think shes too old. raina is so going win rupauls drag race!

[Maja]

I fly with Air NZ all the time (on coach) and I thought it looked suspiciously like Business class - they do have a class called Premium Economy though which kind of bumps Business into First Class status, I guess.

Hooray for the Tyra and Maori gifs!

[Deanna Destroi]

The "greeting" dance is actually a pre-battle dance. Maori warriors would eat the opponents they defeated, and that's what the sexy tongue-waggle means: I'ma kill you, then I'ma eat you.

When those guys made that gesture to the "models," I laughed until I cried.

Also, if you've never been to Canada, Rich, there's always room in my Ottawa home for you. :)

[aloria]

I don't know, man. Prince has got to be the cutest little sheepy alive. I think I love him.

[sally]

was it just me or did everyone forget that jessica had a hubby and kid? she's never really talked about them...or maybe i just blocked it out? they aren't using it as an angle with her like anslee or others...just a braindead thought on a monday morning (pst).

[Erika]

The GIF of the sheep chewing totally made my day.

[Marlo]

Did anyone notice how ALT basically bashed Angelea's dress UNTIL she sd it was some designer (won in a previous episode) and then ALT quickly shut up and Tyra came in quickly that the dress was fine...the problem was the hooker wearing it. Oh wait. Tyra didn't say that exactly - but regardless ALT based the dress and Tyra had to speak up fast.

[Becky]

Thank you for the Pretty Party! I was going to start begging for one, but you just knew it was time. Well done.

Deanna- loving this info on the Maori. It really brings new meaning for the viewer. :o)

[DLCF]

Oprah needs to follow Angelea around and narrate her life.

Where are my Conchords?

[DLCF]

The "greeting" dance is actually a pre-battle dance. Maori warriors would eat the opponents they defeated, and that's what the sexy tongue-waggle means: I'ma kill you, then I'ma eat you.--Deanna Destroi

Yes! Yay for Haka!

The New Zealand All-Blacks rugby team does the Ka Mate before every home game. It's fucking amazing.

[Johanna]

This makes my Monday, great recap as usual! And yes I agree wouldn't New Zealand be the place for Uggs? Prince is a cute sheep tho.

[fo sho yo yo]

I wish we had gotten to see the girls go shopping--cuz they obviously did. Jessica was wearing a blingin Maori koru necklace made from greenstone at the go-sees which means that they actually did have time to prepare for the go-sees.

[a]

awesome!!! love your reviews :-D greetings from germany

[Kayla]

The lol's keep on comin'

[meow]

As a kiwi, we don't like uggs. People with uggs are either a. Tourists or 2. skanks.