I think we can all agree that...
...Jessica's taco shells burned out long before her legend ever did. (Even though that ended up burning out, too.)
Really, as soon as they said "commercial" after every other reference of her name last episode, I knew her goose was cooked, and not even fiercely. Her goose was steamed.
In the end, Jessica wasn't able to be ugly so she was SENT. HOME. Cry me a river. A beautiful, sparkling, fertile, Mexican-food avoidant river.
"Inhale the secret! Oh yeah, that's how she made that baby. I was wondering. I was like, 'How could a virgin make a baby?'"
Now I'm the one who's wondering: is the only thing between Tyra and a womb full of children the erroneous belief that inhaling secrets is how you make babies?
"The Lord of the...Rangs, is how we say it in Inglewood. Holler!"
I mean, no shit. Tell me something I don't know, like how they say Ainulindalë in Inglewood. Holler!
"Nigel, I think that's amazing. There's a difference between me looking at something that's right here...
...and something that, wow, I can't really see it. It's way over there...
...That's really good. Good advice. The smize is really just looking for something that you can't see."
You know, the thing is that there really is a difference in her eyes, as minuscule and trivial as it is...
I do like the idea of girls taking this entirely literally and wobbling their heads a la Stevie Wonder. With all the neck-rolling that goes on between photo shoots, their muscles should be plenty strong to do just that.
(Also, this adds more credence to the notion that smizing is just squinting. Even though she denies it, I think we can all agree that a pair of prescription glasses would obliterate the very concept.)
"I was so excited, Raina. I was like, Oh my god. I was in bed going, Ooh, I can't wait to shoot Raina. She's the wolf girl. She's got those eyes. She's Rebecca Romijn. She's Brooke Shields."
Why stop there, Tyra? Why not go on about Raina's pert breasts and enticingly boxy frame? Why not finish the story of your masturbatory fantasy since you started it, you fucking weirdo? Inhale the secret, exhale a howl.
"This whole commercial thing? On Top Model, kiss of death. But the real thing is to leave this competition and to prove me and these other judges wrong."
Considering that the major success stories (Toccara, Elyse, Mollie Sue) have been non-winners, being proven wrong is probably this show's biggest claim to legitimacy. At least it's aware of it!
And now, we tally Talley...
On Jessica's shot...
Indeed, coming from a dude who has a synonym for every word, including "synonym," most likely ("synonyme?"), this couldn't have been stated better. At least his speechlessness is well put! I really hope that the request for help doesn't mean that Talley isn't getting used to Barker's reach arounds, though. He'll only break your heart, Talley!
On Krista's specular shot...
"Supplement" may sound like a slight, but again, this show knows its place. It's kind of beautiful, really.
(Also, I think I might love this so much because of how "Love Will Never Do (Without You)"-esque it is. Really, invoking that video is the secret to my heart. I don't think I would have been half as invested in My Antonio as I was if that weren't the case.)
On Alexandra's shot...
He's in the hinderlands of political correctness, and I fucking love it.
And speaking of the shots, I thought Raina...
...was serving straight-up Rob Zombie:
In more ways than one, even! This week's shoot was pretty dire, right? I mean, I thought conceptually, adding texture via pattered shadow was actually kind of creative (it pains me to say that about anything Tyra has attached her name to), but also a complete crap shoot that depended on everything hitting just so. There's only one Krista-level picture in the bunch, and something tells me it has less to do with Krista and more to do with dumb luck...like everything on this show, come to think of it, so yeah, I guess the photo shoot was just perfect.
1. And speaking of Krista and her shots...
...if these are the comments that made it to the "digital art" bragging wall, don't you wonder what didn't? I'm gonna guess the unabridged version of Krista's digital art feedback went something like this:
2. I know I mentioned this already, but when I saw the food out...
...I knew we were in for trouble. Since Anslee is no longer around to have a shell-related shit fit, the machinery had to revolt. It's like Terminator, except what's being targeted for assassination is our minds.
This looks like the setup to a joke ("How many models does it take to put out an electrical fire started by taco shells?"), except the punchline would be an agonizing, fiery death, and that's not very funny, now is it?
To be fair, they probably didn't have baking soda or whatever home ec. taught us to use to put out fires. I wonder if they even have baking soda in New Zealand, and whether they actually use it for normal shit and not, like, flavoring their coffee ("Geeevs eeet a tangy greet, mate!"). Fucking Kiwis and their weird tastes!
I'm just kidding. I'm so not xenophobic or anti-New Zealanders. I love Lord of the Rings! Swear!
(I do not love Lord of the Rings, and actually walked out of the first chapter midway through and went to see The Business of Strangers, which while fucking horrendous, at least didn't feature Sean Astin smothering my latent childhood crush of him with his big, hairy, hobbit feet. Not that I know what the hell a hobbit is.)
3. Why the fuck are these girls still so excitable?
Like, really, a fucking hobbit that isn't Elijah Wood has them all atwitter seven years after the fact?
If Alasia last week was walking like she wanna hold her purse and just be in church goin', "Yes, Lord," then Krista reacted to her challenge win like Jesus Christ himself was assigned the role of her personal shopper who'd accompany her on her spree.
My point is that by now they should be run down, muttering "Tyra Mail..." a la "Time to make the donuts," and cheering with sadness immediately behind overly shiny eye glaze that could only come as a result of Stockholm Syndrome. But oh Mylanta, these girls keep ticking. They really are...exceptional.
And, as someone whose catchphrase is borrowed from DJ Tanner*, Raina clearly knows a thing or two about cool. I no longer think that Raina's going to win, because it's inevitable that she will literally burst with excitement before the cycle ends. I'm sure her fellow Top Models will do a great job of wetting a rag and throwing it on her when that happens.
*Props to Tracie for pointing this out to me.
4. Four thoroughly modern issues that only this show could bring to awareness:
"I don't feel I'm fierce enough." If only after school specials were still around. If only drag queens were writing and producing them.
"Get angry and weird! Too weddingy." For the first directive at least, she could have brought home her point by saying, "Learn it by watching me!" It's not from an after school special, but it's close.
"OK, yeah, that's my girl, but so what?" "I'm not here to make friends," as enacted around the way. Love that laid-back vibe! (Also, I'm surprised that given that Angelea didn't say, "OK, yeah, that's my girl, especially female, but so what," since she once uttered, "When you livin' with girls, especially females..." which I TOTALLY missed. In response, I can't believe you didn't set me on fire and then withhold the wet rags! What is wrong with me?)
"If you're a plus-sized model, there's no room to have huge issues with body image." There's no room because your plus-sized body is taking up all the space, amirite? Har har. Ugh. What an unfortunate series of words! I also loved that in the beginning of the episode, when Alexandra was taking about needing to "take out all these little skinny tarts"...
...they cut to her eating a sandwich. She's going to take out the tarts so she can have delicious desserts on her picnic, right? God, someone in the editing booth is no fan of Alexandra. Although to be fair...
...she doesn't really do herself many favors. She is, after all, the self-proclaimed Donkey Kong of this show.
5. Sorry girls...
...Angelea does the best Angelea:
Leave the lil' club thangs to the experts. Also, how hilarious was it when she had open disdain for Krista's challenge victory?
She's going to be so ungracious when she loses this thing! I can't wait!
Although, who the fuck is going to win? I'm no longer convinced that Raina has it, as she hasn't dazzled in weeks. Alexandra is making a comeback, as far as the judges are concerned, but she has too much ground to cover and not a massive, obese shadow grafted on by the graphics department could help. That leaves golden child Krista? I guess this is the old-girl cycle?
6. Maybe I'm biased, but I want Angelea to win.
Hey, that reminds me of the first line of this week's 30 seconds of orgasmic incoherence...
Top Model Lounge!!!
Laura: Maybe I’m biased, but I think Angelea did better. I mean, go Angelea.
Bianca: I think I’m gonna go with Krista on this one. She has a lot working for her. She looked comfortable, her body looked great, the colors on her body looked great, so go Krista!
Laura: The competition is gettin’ so tough now!
Yep. When the going gets, "Go Someone!", the competition gets tough. It's like the grand unifying theory. I really hope this Top Model Lounge series is actually a pilot for a new news channel of just Bianca and Laura 24/7. I don't know what I'm going to do over the summer without them pointing out the obviousness of the most trivial shit. :(
7. The way that Jay Manuel whispered, "I like that," reminded me of "Justify My Love," which led me to think that this must be how he sounds in bed.
Because he whispered, "It looks so commercial," with the exact same inflection, it led me to believe that he also says that in bed. Makes sense. Just your average, run-of-the-mill, orange-stained pillow talk.
8. When Tyra was talking about lurking in the shadows, and then she came out like this...
...I really admired her. Perfect setup. Truly terrifying.
9. I'm leaving you with work that is not my own. You may remember the animated gifs of Dave S. that I posted in my Episode 2 recap. Here are more regarding events of last week and this week:
"On the last point, Dave says, "Seriously, can you really be a 'star' without ANY lines?" To that, I say welcome to the world of reality TV, where you can be a star without a lot of things.
(Also, two back-to-back episodes next week? Ugh. Light me on fire for real.)