The lessons of Jersey Shore: Season 2, Episode 3

New developments. NEW DEVELOPMENTS. NEW DEVELOPMENTS. NEW DEVELOPMENTS.

Oh wait, no there aren't new developments. It's the same old development as always, so eloquently put by Pauly D:

 

When Pauly D can sum up your plot line in a single sentence, your plot line is fucking stupid. To wit:

 

 

I actually think those two sentences could have occurred in the same breath ("You're a fucking bitch, 'cause you're my girlfriend") to coherently illustrate the masochism involved on both Sammi's and Ronnie's parts. Look, the faces of (reality show) death:

 

Or is that facedness of reality show death? I can't really remember. Like everyone else on this show always, I got sooooo drunk last night!

Gotta say, though, I related to this:

 

I don't know if we've all been there, but I can say with certainty that I've been sexually annoying (based, of course, on feedback).

This is what it sounds like when duds cry (for attention):

 

I almost declared a self-imposed moratorium on Ronnie and Sammi's yo-yo of a relationship (if it isn't a dumbass, it isn't a yo-yo!), but I did appreciate how others related to it. Jwoww, making an almost gif-worthy revolving gesture, reported that she was "sick" of it. That's wonderful. She's catching up with her life and I couldn't be prouder. And then there was Snooki's mini-meltdown on the dance floor:

 

I guess it's one thing to hear about a dude getting creepy with other girls after his girlfriend has gone home to get drunk by herself on a cocktail of shut-eye and scowling, and it's another thing to witness it. You never forget your first time you see a creep. Snooki should be glad that it took this long.

And so, as the show moves further away from being merely about the way these people live to the way these people live in relation to each other and the camera (do you really think Ronnie and Sammi would be going up and down this long, or that Snooki and Jwoww would be interfering, or that anyone would give a shit about connecting with Angelina if it weren't for prompting from story producers?), the lessons of Jersey Shore diminish.

Sure, we learned that Vinny is actually Vincenzo, the King of the Sandwich...

 

...and that when Jwoww dresses like a Macy's float on the day before Thanksgiving (bursting but restrained), it's not (just) slutty -- it's functional.

 

"Enzo makes me put on this black T-shirt that suffocates me girls. It was like, come on. Let the girls breathe."

 

She isn't pouting here -- she literally is having a physiological reaction, similar to when you take a fish out of water or a whore out of the gutter.

This was like that magical moment in The Abyss when the presumed-drowned character of Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio springs back to life after her lungs reinflate. (And unlike Vinny, I don't think Einstein should come back to rewrite his "laws of physics" because of Jwoww's levitating breasts -- he should come back and rewrite a new formula for double-sided tape because it's clearly needed.)

I guess we also learned about the threshold of an eye's widening just before literally popping out of someone's skull:

 

Here's the most scientific part isolated:

 

I know everyone had their rulers up against their flatscreens when this happened, since we watch this show to learn and grow.

And, as I started to say, that's something of a problem for our purposes. As this show becomes insular, exhibiting a structural narcissism greater even than that of its constituents, it becomes less enlightening. I say that partly in jest and partly because I'm becoming so stupid that I really do find reality TV enlightening. Anyway, instead of lessons, I have proposals -- things that may or may not be true about this jar of maggots that was once an ant farm.

- Proposal 1: Angelina is secretly a housefly.

 

She is always buzzing around, enjoys garbage bags, irritates as a matter of course, and is virtually impossible to get rid of (you literally must run away from her). Despite her getting all up in your face at will...

 

 

...she is mostly harmless. But most importantly, her time in the public eye will span roughly that of a bug's life, since she's not in Season 3 of this shit. Hurrah!

She is also about as socially inept as a bug. Sample exchange:

Pauly: So, I accept apology, but we should go our separate ways.
Angelina: What do you mean your own way? Like, what does that mean?

It means shoo!

(She doesn't get it.)

(Also, I think this may be her self-cleaning ritual.)

Also, she speaks as well as a bug ("Ah you deloosnl?").

And so, in conclusion, I propose that Angelina is an insect. She had toes, but she stepped on them, and as a result, spent her days in bed, feasting on dead skin. Unfortunately, her fun conflicts with our fun, just like it has been all season.

- Proposal 2: Since being a vile human being is to be expected, these people construct their mores around how open a person is about his or her vileness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All they wanted! All they ever wanted came true when Angelina admitted that she's an asshole! For this, she was hailed...

 

Hailed! And they dined like kings (but not sandwich kings) on cigarettes, beers poured into margaritas, chicken cutlets (the non-chicken kind) and the fumes of hairspray.

- Proposal 3: Jwoww has a face for indie drama.

 

She's a stripper by day, a slave-trade smuggler by night. Can you not see it?!?

- Proposal 4: Violence means nothing more than something to sensationalize the "Coming Up" scenes before commercial.

 

This would be a red flag if Ronnie weren't already the foreman at the red-flag manufacturing plant. If it was a big deal at the time, there was no indication of that -- it was just bullish business as usual. And hey, it opened the door for some slapstick:

 

And so I ask, what's not to enjoy about a juiced-up meathead shoving around a person so little that she can't even scoop gelato without a stool?

Proposal 5: Familiarity breeds precum.

 

Vinny thinks "old school" Snooki is hot. I would argue that he feels this way for the first time because, in returning to her old, poofed-out look, Snooki looks "right" to Vinny and he's responding to the familiarity not the hotness (otherwise, he would have found her hot in the first place, which he admitted that he never did).

All of this led to slapstick foreplay (the best kind of foreplay there is!):

 

...and a very honest conversation about a very primal matter:

 

 

 

 

But look, it's funny if you invert those screen shots...

Makes even more sense! It just goes to show that it doesn't matter what they say, or the order in which they say whatever -- all that matters is that they're talking. And maybe fucking.

(Really, I don't think they did, as they woke up fully clothed, although that means very little in the age of the zipper and panty-free gal.)

Proposal 6: Snooki is chic.

 

 

I mean, it's a tragedy-chic, but she's looking so on point. I don't know, maybe I'm responding to the familiarity like Vinny, just in the gay way.

Which isn't to say that Vinny is without his gay ways...

 

...it's just that they're for the ladies and himself.

Proposal 7: Humiliation is a dish best served tossed around.

 

After the guys found a bust enhancement that belonged to one of their "grenades" floating around the hot tub, they busted out an impromptu game of catch while she shamefully gazed at her bosom.

 

So embarrassing for her. I felt bad. No one, not even a grenade, deserves that. Where's Einstein when you need him?

Proposal 8: The Situation's shirtlessness did not sell gelato because people thought he was promoting a new pimento flavor and were disgusted at the prospect.

 

Just an idea.

Proposal 9: Enzo is the best thing about this season.

 

Besides the aforementioned dubbing of Vinny, he saved Jwoww from the mortal sin of her Ed Hardy hat...

 

Though this left her Christian Audijaded, it was for her own good. Additionally, Enzo said at one point, "How you doin'?" Wendy Williams better watch her ass.

Proposal 10: Enrique Iglesias got the name of his Jersey Shore soundtrack singe "I Like It" from Snooki.

On mounting a camel that she thought was a dog (that really might be a dog, actually), Snooki said, "Ooh, it hurts my vagina...no, I like it." Enrique Iglesias likes it when things hurt his vagina, too. Sticking with this show, I think, proves that we all do, actually.

P.S.

 

 

Gorillas in the mist.

Comments

[t]

best one yet. you sir are a genius.

[JonBenet]

I love this. So much. Get inside me already *twirl*

[Liberator]

i swear i've been waiting all day for your recap and its accompanying gifs. ah, now i want a cigarette...

[Suzie]

I like it

[G.agz]

totally losing your pop-culture relevance rich. sticking with you, I think, proves that we all like it when it hurts..

[ML]

"This would be a red flag if Ronnie weren't already the foreman at the red-flag manufacturing plant." That line made me laugh so hard I almost fell out of my desk chair.

The seriousness with which you take the J. Shore is truly inspiring, I love it, hahaha!

[Victoria]

Awesome!

[Fayeindc]

At about minute 25 Pauly had his best eye-pop when talking to the camera. It was sensational and I couldn't do it if I tried.

Ronnie's crazed coke face is hypnotizing -- he looks like a wacked-out hairless panda on acid or something.

[kate]

I just realized that J-woww is going to look like Kelly Cutrone when she gets older.

[Laurie]

i drove by the gelato place they work at today. should i go in? i've always wondered about that dog (??) statue thing out front

[nakedlong]

i'm really enjoying this season and your recaps.

[Erin]

Gorillas in the mist. So wrong.

So right.

[Anna]

LOL forever at "Gorillas in the mist"

[Nata]

I kinda like Situation in the season 2, so far...
He is less of a douche. Am I trippin or what?

[Littledog Liza]

Watch the gif of Enzo and Snooki while listening to the Enrique Inglesias track. Bliss.

[J Sweet]

The bigger lesson though is: don't live with your apes. They always get violent.

Also,
let's smoosh.

[Melissa-Leigh]

P.S. Rich, if you haven't seen twitter.com/DRUNKRONNIE yet, you gotta get on that! pretty hilarious.

[Erin]

Love these. I stopped watching ANTM a long time ago so it's fun to be able to enjoy recaps again.

I would love you to do something on the Duggars.

[Erin]

Love these. I stopped watching ANTM a long time ago so it's fun to be able to enjoy recaps again.

I would love you to do something on the Duggars.

[hila]

oh can you pleeeease post an audio clip of snooki saying she has the hiccups?

[Glamour Smile]

I have watched it and it is really very interesting. I am gonna watch its repeat telecast too.

[Acai Detox Pure]

Would that I were to enjoy with them too.

[mary]

"It's not MVP-A." best line EVER!

[winter boots]

Very powerful, very like!