Here's what I have to say about the turn this show has taken into no-turn, straight-line, all-Ronnie-and-Sammi-always territory:
But certainly never:
Because watching a yo-yo slowly do what it does is never shocking.
Why must I cry?
That's my interaction with the show every week. (The show is the one saying, "Fuck you." I'm Snooki. This is wishful thinking as I one day hope to have boobs as big as hers. Bench presses, don't let me down!)
It boggles my mind that the producers think Ronnie and Sammi should be the center of this season. Ronnie and Sammi have very little going on outside the show (neither of them has released a single or anything!) and commanded the lowest appearance fees in a report released early this year (I can't imagine much has changed since -- if Ronnie's asking price has gone up, everyone else's must have gone up in proportion). Nobody wants to see them! Or so it would seem -- this Ronnie and Sammi-centric season is getting better ratings than ever (last week's show was the highest-rated episode in Jersey Shore history!). So if anybody cares about this tug-o-war on our already low taste level, it's certainly not enough to change the channel. Way to show 'em, guys. Way to show 'em me, even, since I've yet to do so, myself.
OK, Ronniehanna. Sad thing is, I wish I could say that about the show at this point.
The first season was full of non-sequitur scenes, little character-revealing slices of life that gently added up to a whole. It wasn't the current perverted version of the Care Bear stare, where abs replace cartoon icons. We don't this much of a running thread! At least 30 minutes of other non-misery-bitch-calling wallowing must be going on in the house. Show us, Jersey Shore! Treat us like the ADD-addled idiots that you're helping us become. Please!
Can you feel the zzzzzzzs tonight? Ronnie compared his relationship to beating a dead horse, and while it's possible he could have been referencing domestic abuse while insulting Sammi by calling her a horse, I'll trust his adeptness at cliche use (but I won't test him on it because, in a shocking reveal in last night's episode, he doesn't often pass tests -- that's why he didn't go to college!). The thing is that Ronnie and Sammi are basically glue at this point -- they passed the dead-horse stage some time around the start of this season.
Who knows who started what at this point? That's the thing about nightmares -- you never remember them beginning.
I would rather watch Snooki eat a pickle for an hour. I would rather watch the Situation and Pauly do the same thing they did last season (you don't expect me to believe that the hot tub is as underused as this season is suggesting!). I would rather watch people spill food on the floor.
I'd rather watch Snooki frolic with her hideous cowboy hat.
I'd rather watch the Situation try on broken sunglasses with a drunken palsy.
I'd rather watch Isis from ANTM 11 lick ice cream.
I'd rather watch Pauly D interpret what Butterface flavor ice cream looks like.
I'd rather watch Angelina fart.
See, there is other stuff going on that's more interesting than Ronnie and Sammi. Food-spilling and farting, chiefly.
The lessons this week are brief. Get out your Elmer's, because I'm beating the dead horse just a little bit more. (Remember the halcyon days of Jersey Shore, when the beat and the local Sleazeside assholes were the only things to beat? Sigh.)
- Ronnie and Sammi ruin everything.
A perfect example of this (besides, you know, the whole fucking season) was when they decided to play a Bowl of of Questions. It promised a candid, fly-on-the-wall scene this season has been missing, and was otherwise a perfect recipe for the kind of endearing trashiness this show runs on. Quoth Snooki: "So, I'm like, why not? Let's put sexy clothes on and be fucking dumbasses!"
And it was fun for a while! Ronnie had a ball...
..and revealed gay tendencies! He wants to smoosh Vinny. He said it with a straight face (pun intended) so he must mean it!
The casual, rampant homoeroticism of this season is one of the few upgrades from last.)
Anyway, Bowl of Questions was a ball!
Jwoww and Snooki borrowed matching Chairys from Pee-Wee's Playhouse and guffawed. (Today's secret word is: RONNIE AND SAMMI SHUT THE FUCK UP.) Sammi contemplated which guy she'd have take a dump on her chest (she never answered, but Ronnie's the obvious answer) while Pauly mulled things over real hard with his tongue out.
A good time was had by all...until the question about cheating came up, rendering everything awkward, prompting a statement from Ronnie that "everybody" has cheated before and effectively ending the game for us. Ronnie and Sammi are why we can't have nice things like games about guys taking dumps on you. Bastards.
- Ronnie and Sammi: theirs is not an interesting relationship, but interesting does come because of it.
The first interesting thing?
I love when these people are eloquent despite themselves, because "fuckness" is the perfect word to describe this season.
Another interesting thing?
Jwoww's self-described brilliance in the form of a letter informing Sammi of what she already knows. It's very anonymous. No one will suspect a thing because, as Snooki says, they say "tits," and the letter clearly reads "breasts." Sammi knows they aren't capable of synonym use. The perfect crime!
I love that they presented this information this way so as to not jeopardize themselves. Way to look out for your "friend," guys. (Though on the real, Sammi is an idiot for relying on the kindness of fellow reality stars.)
Oh, and at one point, it seemed at least to one person that Snooki looked like she knew something, for once!
Although, I don't know. This reads to me like blankness as usual.
It's so telling that the best parts of Ronnie and Sammi's relationship have nothing to do with them.
- The only girlfriend Ronnie needs is the bottle.
Really, his relationship with alcohol is just as up-and-down, but much more captivating than his one with Sammi.
- This is "the" Miami Residence.
That's Jwoww's egocentric take on a house answering-machine message, as delivered to Snooki's now-ex Emilio. Theirs might not be the only Miami residence, but clearly, it's the only one that matters.
By the way, Ronnie and Sammi would do well to study Snooki's handling of relationship idiocy.
After a stupid joke like that, Emilio was no more -- kicked to the curb via Snooki and Jwoww's boobs.
Are you listening, stupid ass?
Another Snooki classic! I was really happy about this -- she either thinks she's Elisabeth Hasslebeck, or she's mistaking Katy Perry for a statistician. Either way: a glorious return to form.
- Stereotyping leads to pratfalls.
After Snooki did an offensive Asian-stereotype voice at Moshi Moshi, she struggled with separating chopsticks.
Everything you need to know about the intimate relationship between ignorance and buffoonery is right there. What an asshole!
- Putting a camera behind the mirror is the best production decision of the season.
If I had to point to one thing that's making me stick this show out, certainly it's the mirror cam. Boing.