Before there can be anything, there must be a gif wall.
Thank god for small cameras.
Much like Jwoww's slight, but important boob maneuvering above, last night's shift in focus was a major improvement. However, I fear that it is just as temporary, and Jersey Shore will once again drop its boobs to center on Ronnie and Sam. That will suck because I don't need a soap opera -- I just want to see how people are living. And this...
...is most certainly how this guy is living.
And, y'know, I really missed the Italian-American-culture aspect of this show:
It's not like you can see meat-ball eating and hey-hey-hey hand gesturing everywhere. A live-action version of "Shaddap You Face" is really all I want in a reality show.
Set against this backdrop of culture, there were so many lessons to be learned during the blissful first half of the show! Things like...
- Gay people make you happy and are cute.
I think Snooki means "cute" not in the the-only-thing-that-would-make-you-more-adorable-is-my-dick-in-your-mouth way that I think gay guys are cute, but in the way that some people find old, homeless and primordial dwarf people cute.
"Turn," by the way, is such a gay thing to say to a woman while complimenting her hotness. That'd be like telling a girl how "fucking fierce" she is during sex. Happens, I'm sure, and it's always very telling.
I believe that should read "Gay parade, yea!" (or "yeah," really, but let's not split hairs), since Jwoww referred to this as "gay parade weekend" and she uses words like "wisely" and therefore speaks...wisely.
Instead of a measured cultural assessment, something makes me think that everything Snooki knows about homosexuality she learned from pornography. To wit: "Do you know what gay guys do? They're not attracted to vagina, they're attracted to butthole, OK? The fuck is wrong with you?" Butthole, butthole, who's got the butthole? Oh yeah, everybody. That's what's awesome about being gay -- there's always a butthole to flutter up to. We are human moths at the mercy of tacky, pink puckered neon.
I also love that this discussion of what people do with their buttholes led to Snooki and Emilo's breakup. Buttholes are serious business. "You have issues and I wish you would have said this to me before I fell in love with you," Snooki told him. Whether these issues were centered on his butthole (like hemorrhoids of pathos), we'll never be certain. Damn editing.
- Subtracting 4 from 5 is a difficult job that requires as much misogyny as possible.
"The cheese stands alone" gets a charmingly sexist update! Aw!
Also, did you know that a grenade can be a hippo and that deeming someone "the hot one" can actually be a nice way to refer to someone since the Situation had no idea what the hot one's name was, anyway?
My skin crawled in the most delightful way, when Pauly D referred taking girls home as "bringing back anything." More than sexism, I think this speaks to the collective standards of the group.
This might seem mean:
But I think we all know that he was doing this not-ugly-at-all, maybe-moderately-dumpier-than-the-rest-but-really-that's-it girl a favor.
Look at how annoyed the hot one is!
Look at how sad things turned out. The walk of shame was not the hippo's to take. She remains queen of the jungle, even if by default.
I know it involves arms, but I find this hard to believe. Then again, my ab muscles are coy and elusive (to put it nicely) compared to Situation's abs of extroversion, so what the hell do I know?
Anyway, during the whole fight with the human dirty mess that is Angelina, the best part was that as the Situation yelled at her, Pauly danced as if to provide a benevolent counterpoint to the Situation's aggression and body-snarking.
I think really what it is, is that Pauly not only lives and breathes music but Pauly is music.
The Situation disinviting Angelina to dinner opened the door for his peers to riff on a classic line from the first season: "From now on, you are excluded from surf 'n' turf night, you are excluded from ravioli night, you are excluded from chicken cutlet night." Pauly said, "You excluded from asparagus night," while Ronnie offered upon Situation and Angelina's reconciliation:
Aw, it's like they're all working together for a greater good of collective narcissism. The Situation's memorable quote only strengthens their legacy. They really are a family.
Also, new name for Angelina:
Trashbangs. Perfect, y/y?
- Breaking up, like all things, is a process.
First it involves hugging your bestie in the middle of the street while looking entirely Photoshopped.
And then, you must half-burn pictures of you and your ex, hopefully depicting you at Sushi Samba and other Sex and the City-related places that you should be embarrassed about patronizing but clearly aren't since you're mentioning them on TV even at this time of pronounced regret.
(I'm partially kidding about Sushi Samba -- certainly I'm not ashamed to say that their green bean tempura is like whoa.)
But for real, these are the most consciously ritualistic people I've ever seen. They put Satanists to shame...in more ways than one even, since Ronnie thinks he'll burst into flames upon walking through church. Anton LaVey is totally biting his flesh-rotted fist in jealousy.
- The entitlement of a generation can be summed up in three screen shots.
Next week's challenge, guys, is to name that tune in two notes.
- A chance to cure is a chance to harm.
Through simple meddling and denial of accountability, Snooki and Jwoww swiftly took over the roles as the biggest assholes in the Ronnie/Sammi debacle. They didn't even have to get involved and now they're the worst! Funny how that works. I mean, just one look at the note, which was folded up and addressed to Sammi by writing her name on the outside, junior-high style...
...gives an indication of the maturity level we're dealing with. I'm shocked that it didn't end with, "Will you break up with him, check yes or no."
Speaking of notes, here's one to Jwoww...
THEY'RE NOT HAPPY.
...weirdly and intensely...
...not happy. And this note, which provided the worst part of friendship (having to hurt your friend with the truth) and none of the redeeming immediate moral support, only made it worse. Snooki and Jwoww's atrociousness all of a sudden made Sammi's four weeks of boring us with her hair flipping and being "Done! Done! Done!" seem not so bad by comparison. By the end of the episode, I found myself on Team Sammi. Somebody shoot me.
Snooki summed up their selfishness with the buffoonish eloquence that she stumbles on so often, it's ceased coming off as coincidental: "We just don't want to deal with that drama...that we've caused!" But just because it's honest and accurate doesn't mean that it isn't verging on sadistic. And, I mean, look at this:
They are so amused by their friend's despair! In her face!
Literally high-fiving each other while Sammi squirms!
Granted, they accomplished their goal while remaining clandestine and leaving the door open for more drama next week since making sure the drama continues unabated is really the point of all this. And granted, "grinding with multiple fat women," is an inspired turn of phrase that I envy. It's lean and vivid, perfect for reality TV and a Hemingway novel, alike. It's nice to know that a ham like Jwoww is also familiar with the concept of subtlety.
But, of course, just because she's familiar with it doesn't mean she wants to marry it. She'd probably marry the ham in her mouth before she married subtlety, and this way, her last name would describe what she is, like in the old days when people were dubbed Baker or Hoar for their work. (Literally, I went to grade school with a Jenny Hoar until she changed it to "Morgan" in 5th grade. I don't know what took her family so long. I remember being like, "That shit's fucked up," in kindergarten.)
Also hilarious was the use of the word "wisely" and not "breasts" (as predicted last week) that knocked Ronnie off course, making him think Snooki hadn't written this. He really should have more faith in her mastery over verbal communication. It sneaks up on you.
Oh, and I loved this mini-lesson from Sam regarding the note:
She knows not to give something a nuanced reading when it isn't due! Smart girl. Also very smart:
Putting on her Keds to kick Ronnie out of her life. Or...I don't know, cheer-routine him out.
I don't know if I'm getting used to it or if the heightened drama that results from the printed word shook things up into a redeeming variation, but I thought the breaking up stuff was almost across-the-board amusing this week.
How ridiculous and humiliating is it to be a "hometown honey" describing a farmer's market-extreme Varsity Blues scenario only to be interrupted in the middle of it because the guy that you're putting on whipped cream and berries for is being whispered at by his girlfriend? Something tells me that Hometown Honey had no shame, though. If Ronnie doesn't get the berries someone will, lest they rot. Onto the next one is a crucial philosophy when perishables are involved.
Oh, but the most important thing we learned?
This homosocial incest has definitely piqued my interest, bro. For the first time all season, I'm excited to see where this is going.