Here's a fun game:
Find a song that synchronizes with Snooki's head bobbing and listen to it on repeat forever while looking at that gif. Mindless is how we roll from here on out.
I'm just going to get right into this, because we have a lot of shit to cover (really, it's very much the same shit as last week, and in many different forms, it just all hits the toilet water a little differently). Our first lesson?
At least, that was according to Sammi in the recap package at the beginning of this week's show. Odd that I don't remember her saying that last week (and while I don't feel like going back and watching that dreadful season premiere again, the fact that no one had quoted this on the Internet at air time suggests that this was, in fact, new information since this show is so covered the Internet is basically now just a Jersey Shore transcribing service).
Anyway, she's lying. Duh. The fakeness of that reunion fight was obvious as it was unspooling (so forced, and now we know why: Season 2 plot point). But you know how we really, really know?
She touched her neck as she informed us of this. I'm no lie detector, but I am able to Google a website on how to detect lies. Busted.
Duh again that nothing is real, but the implication is that they're putting on all this stupid drama for our entertainment. I wish they'd make better use of their time. Say, by having a booger-flinging contest. Or paper-mâché. Gardening, perhaps? I would literally rather watch people clean up chicken...
...than watch Ronnie and Sammi mugging for us about the way that he or she just mugged at the other one.
He is way too shifty to be trusted. When he said that his ex-girlfriend told him, "Give you a chance, work things out..." (love the literal, "That's what she said" on the end of that, don't you?), I couldn't help but wonder if his ex was employed by 495. She wouldn't happen to be a story producer, now, would she?
As Gary Oldman once said to Winona Ryder, "Love never dies." (Well, either he said it or his poster said it.)
The look on Ronnie's face below is the exact same one on mine every time I realize we're embarking on a Ronnie/Sammi scene:
Basically Sammi represents Ronnie and Sammi in this gif, if you can wrap your head around that.
We did gain at least one more lesson from this:
- "Like, you know?" is a perfectly reasonable response to, "Like, you know?"
We are all made of valley girls. Ronnie stated that he and Sammi aren't Zack and Kelly from Saved by the Bell. Indeed, Zach and Kelly had way more depth, their collective range of emotion larger than pissy to rageful.
Oh, and here's another lesson from this:
- These people are so much better off-the-cuff.
Angelina's friend: Can I speak to Angelina, please?
Snooki: No, she died.
Angelina's friend: She d-
And scene. Brilliant and nonsensical at once. A very short Sifl & Olly skit played by a sock puppet who can't see because the gems are in the way, and the glasses won't stay put on top of that...
...A sock puppet who also doesn't know how to wipe. You don't even need anything pointy to probe Snooki's mind -- clearly, her best-case scenario rationale was, "Well, if she's dead, he won't call back and maybe it'll traumatize a stranger. My glasses are shiny." And after all, isn't the whole point watching these people that you things you can't make up?
Also ridiculous and devoid of even that amount of rationale: Jwoww telling Angelina, "I'm gonna make you sweat it out!" Divulging that information is no way to make anyone sweat anything out (they're already anticipating sweating, see -- they're sweating out the sweating out at best), and her weird threats of violence were obviously empty. Everyone knows that she's not going to do anything to get herself thrown off this show/the pop culture sphere. It's hard to have sympathy for Lady Vengeance. Again: majestic.
That's Snooki's response to hearing that Ronnie made out with a pack of rhinos while drunk. It looks like she's swooning, though. I bet her reaction to bacne and shrunken testicles is very much the same.
- Clubbing is working.
Mad work, even. And if you have a girl, she's gonna make like Missy Elliott: when you come home from work, she's gon' make you do more work:
And I think this counts as extra credit:
That's gangsta. That's something Pauly D would do. (Two things that apparently are one in the same.)
- A "Schnook Night" is a thing.
Dudes experiencing a Schnook Night (basically a blackout, but orange) probably won't wake up with a pickle their mouth, but they might with one in their underwear:
Aw, he's covering his boner, just like he does at his mom's house! The camera is essentially his parental unit away from his parental units. When Sammi kicks him out of bed, he wraps a towel around a tripod and spoons with it like the juiced up rhesus monkey that he is.
- "I didn't three-way kiss anybody, did I?" is a perfectly reasonable question to ask.
Especially if you understand your history. Know thyself, know thy skeeviness.
- There is such a thing as over-censoring.
"I.F.F. is the I'm BLEEP Foundation," Pauly informs us. The obvious guess would be that the F stands for "fucking" (the F always stands for fucking to the point where I.F.F. really stands for I'm Fucking Fucking). But I thought this "nickname" was in response to Ronnie's new-found sexual freedom, and hasn't he always been fucking (just with Sammi). And he didn't even fuck those girls he three-way kissed. So to reflect this new behavior, isn't I.T.W.K.F. a better nickname for Ronnie? Why am I thinking so much about this? These people are driving me crazy!!!
Is it "moulie?" I know that word exists, but people actually say it? Even those who put Italian consciousness in every sex-store thread of their existence? And, um, Snooki's boyfriend isn't black, just very tan. Duh. Don't these people exist to differentiate the extremely tan from the extremely tan-nots? Not that I'd trust Angelina to be right about anything, but I'm still so confused. Racism hurts my head, even when it's r*****.
If the Situation says it, it's gotta be true.
- Funky Sex Store / the "tranny shop" is a perfectly acceptable place to buy your clothes even if you aren't a drag queen.
Although, let's face it...
...Jwoww is totally a drag queen.
I loved how confusing everything was.
If there is anything I would have counted on these girls knowing how to do, it's proper tit-placement. The real lesson is never to give them the benefit of the doubt.
It's also always a little bit disappointing when people use the word "tranny" so freely, since many consider that word and epithet and using it tends to indicate insensitivity. Not always, just often. I guess that these girls weren't embarrassed about rocking trannywear says something, though. And the fact that they said "tranny" without spitting at least means there at least won't be any lynchings (although Snooki's pledge that she loves Miami "except the trannies" in the season preview may suggest otherwise). I guess no amount of ignorance could deny the unique styles and perfect, perfect, perfect perfection of Funky Sex Store. Funky sex is Jwoww's scene.
I wonder if this girl's unique styles of pixelation were also purchased at Funky Sex Store?
I guess we'll never know how well she was tucked.
- $395 - $350 = $2.
Those useless sunglasses that Snooki bought? "He was like $395, I was like, 'Ugh.' He was like, "Oh, I'll give you a discount. Yeah, it was $2 off, thanks."
Who's zoomin' who here? (The answer is Snooki's brain is zoomin' Snooki.)
- When chicken falls on the floor, pick it up.
I mean, it's basic physics.
- People not knowing who these people are is a thing.
"Whatever, man," said the takeout guy to the Situation after he spelled his nickname out for him. This season filmed just a few months ago, when these guys had already been saturating pop culture for months. Was the house ordering dirt takeout? Was the restaurant the Situation called located under a rock? This is, of course, assuming that this scene was genuine and that we're not watching really terrible improv all the time at this point. I'm not so convinced of anything anymore.
- Frosted glass is the same as non-frosted glass.
"I can see everything!" Snooki gushed. Really? Did she all of a sudden turn into a gay guy, because I could say that looking at a naked chick through frosted glass is the same as looking at one through non-frosted glass. But I thought that was just me.
- These people are capable of complete articulation.
"If you want to be here, interact with everybody, not like I want her to," said Snooki on Angelina. Despicability aside, as always, that's actually a very accurate assessment of the impossible task Angelina has. If I were Snooki's therapist, I would tell her, "Good job!" and half nod at her. You have to encourage such expressiveness.
Ronnie had a few moments of clarity: "Sometimes it’s not the right time," was great and poignant in a Yogi Berra kind of way. And then there was this, as Snooki and Angelina raged on:
(That last word is "drama.") AMEN. As tedious as the everybody-hates-Angelina storyline is, it's a massage with a happy ending compared to watching Ronnie and Sammi's bullshit. The happy ending I'm referring to, of course is...
- A person named J420 actually exists.
Jwoww rattled off names of friends Angelina had supposedly talked shit to: "J420, Joey Yanks, Bill..." Why do I feel like these are all Jwoww's World of Warcraft friends and she's ticking off screen names? Why is it just dawning on me that hers has been a screen name all along? This may be why Angelina seemed a bit befuddled at the names, despite the fact that she hangs out with and knows "everybody" from Long Island. She must get so slippery by the end of the night.
- These guys eat carbs.
Despite the offer, I actually don't believe this one. Look at how crestfallen Pauly looks when asked. He knows he can't have carbs. He's got a reality show to be half naked in. I feel like working in the Gelato shop is going to be a really grave experience for the guys.
- Shirts before shirts is a thing.
Is creating a ceremony out of every collective nuance (in this case, sitting around in tank tops before the T-shirt time that comes just before hitting the club) a sign of narcissism or sheer boredom? You be the judge.
We are all made of sociologists and bisexualologists. Everything is not really surprising, but it's interesting. Again, moments of clarity. These people are really starting to get it!
- A cock-block may have a cock-herself that she's using to block cocks.
That's what the Situation was implying with this gesture while talking about Angelina being up to her old ways, right?
Oh, they also realized that Angelina is toxic and not someone to be friends with. We already knew that, but some people are slow-learners. Don't hate; regard them with compassion.
- These people are living kitsch.
I mean, we kinda knew that, but this kinda proves that at least the Situation is comfortable with self-parody.
Finally, who do you think Pauly was talking to here?
Here's my scenario:
Pauly calls 976 numbers to ask, "Is it Christmas yet?" And then when it is Christmas and he goes and sits on Santa's lap, he eventually freaks out and says, "Are you touchin' me?" I don't know, maybe that's just my dream scenario.
All right, dudes. Have a good weekend, stay cool and remember to...