Ugh. Give me a minute.
If I had to summarize this season of the show in one sentence, it would go like this: Once upon a time, a thing happened. The end. Seriously, this storyline is inching along. I find myself changing as a result. You know how they say that the key to comedy is repetition? Watching Sam well up and cry over Ron for what must be the 5,000th time at this point made me LOL for real:
This show is turning me into a terrible person. I'll use the old reality star stand-by scapegoat and blame this on editing. (It didn't help that during the heart-to-heart with the Situation that this gif came from, he told Sam, "He fucked up hardcore and made you look fucking stupid," and "You look horrible" -- a laughable show of support if ever there were. It's tough love if you replace the "love" with "ridicule." And why woudln't you? Works for me!)
Though it's a chore to watch in practice, in theory I love that they're obsessing about this note (in the case of Sammi, who busted it out for a rereading...
...this amounted to masochism -- no wonder why she never feels good and has to hang out on the healing couch). I love that the new main point of this show (an offshoot of the other main point: Ronnie and Sam's grueling yo-yo of a relationship that can't stop hitting everyone in the balls and lady parts during its inevitable swing back around) centers on the written word, as though literacy is a commodity of utmost value.
...Hence the genuine suspense resulting from Snooki's misplacing her grocery list/recipe. Thank god she got it together and was able to make, in Jwoww's words, the "a la vodka sauce." I think that's Italian for "vodka sauce."
I will not waste your time like the show did and give you the main point of the main point so late that the credits had already rolled when it happened (even though between season previews and here's-what's-coming-up pre-commercial packages, we'd already seen it in its entirety about a dozen times). So here you go: a gif wall devoted to...
(I like the hands-off approach to the T here. That's wise, lest you risk bursting fun bags.)
Jwhoa! Even though it's taken a total of four episodes (if you include the preview that alerted us to the note-writing in the first place) to get to this point, I think it's pretty clear that both Jwoww and Sam were just waiting for the moment when they'd be able to take their frustration out on each other. Sammi probably used Jwoww as a surrogate punching bag for Ronnie (she wouldn't want to ruin her relationship with him, of course!), and since Jwoww is a rageaholic and sexually frustrated (we haven't seen her hooking up, though we did see her talking to her boyfriend back in Long Island), she had to to something to deal with what was bottled up inside. And since breathing exercises wouldn't work well for anyone's purposes (except for Sammi's and who cares about her?), getting pissed off when Sammi wouldn't walk outside and then picking and picking and picking was the method she employed. She's just trying to get through this season, like everybody else -- she just happens to be more devilish than most.
My favorite part of the fight was not the violence, but Jwoww's using "Jersey trash" as an insult. As if! I thought the whole point of this show was to capture the resulting joy from embracing that epithet. Using "Jersey trash" as an insult on this show is like using "fat" as an insult on The Biggest Loser or "utterly incompetent" as an insult on America's Next Top Model. If these words did not already describe these people, they simply would not be here.
On the slow road to watching two women devolve into savagery over naive children bullshit (to use a phrase that Jwoww pointed at Sam in relation to Ronnie, when in fact she had three finger's worth of that bullshit pointed back at herself), it's almost hard to believe that there were lessons to be learned. But yes, between all the pre-savagery savagery...
...was some very important information on dealing with humankind and humanterribleperson alike.
- Never look a gift guidette in the poof.
On Snooki's frequent advances, Vinny said, "If she wants to come in my bed and throw it at me, then I'm gonna take it." Fair enough, I guess. At least we learned that Vinny is hung like a baguette...
...and also, a watermelon, apparently. Basically, Vinny needs wheelbarrow and/or a stiff shoulder at all times.
I'm not seeing a lot going on (right after this, he shifted and disproved the initial indication that his cock was curling around his left thigh). I wonder if Vinny worked out a deal with Snooki stating that he'd sleep with her as long as she inflated the size of his penis when she inevitably told the world about it. After all, it's always nice when you can get something from sex besides an orgasm without succumbing to prostitution. I think that's the true lesson here.
- It only takes two minutes to go from this to dark:
Because "tangerine brulée" is more a medium shade, really.
- My grandmother works at Vinny's optometrist's office.
Apparently, at least. She didn't think Italians were white, either.
Later in the episode, Vinny referred to his spray tan, which I assume was a result of this attack on his pigmentation. It's funny how others' perception of you can really affect you. Last night while walking home after the gym, this old guy signaled me to take off my headphones so that he could tell me the shih tzu he was walking was checking me out. He explained that his dog thought that I was handsome. I told him I thought his shih tzu was just suspicious (his bulging eyes suggested as much). He told me that his dog's interest in me stemmed from my resmblance to his grandson, who's as tall as me, "but built. You know, shoulders." When I got home, I had my first shot of steroids. Gorilla Central, here I come! I have a feeling I'm gonna be batting numerous shih tzus away in a few months.
- Here's how you celebrate your buddy's recent scoring:
If you're like me, and brevity is the soul of your soul, I'm sure you appreciate this.
- This is how one person hangs out:
Literally, or so she says: "Relax, I'm hanging out right now!"
The key phrase is "or so she says." This is actually how Sammi hangs out:
Oh, and also, sometimes:
When she said...
...I thought the answer was obvious: lie in bed, flip your hair, and say, "Done." It's worked so far -- 5.5 million viewers strong!
- Revenge is a dish best served in a salad bowl.
"I didn't eat Jwoww's food...on purpose!" said Sammi. Bitchiness of the leafy green variety: that'll show her!
(Note this worked and indeed did show her. Jwoww was incensed.)
- Dancing in the bathroom is a thing ("thing").
This caused confusion.
Did Snooki not brief Jwoww on her code words ahead of time. Jwoww, she wants to go do the bump, wink wink, snort snort.
- The Situation pretty much provides the best situations.
When he isn't trying to persuade us that Ferraris need to eat before they fuck and getting a girl out of the house is as easy as calling a car that presumably isn't a Ferrari (who needs a taste level when you're fucking a member of the Jersey Shore cast?) or using the head>brains>college analogy that many a rapper already has and acting like he invented it or just seeming utterly bored with his own shtick...
...he's actually kind of charming still...? If you're going to take part in firsthand schadenfreude, you'd be hard-pressed to express your ethic better than with, "When it doesn't have anything to do with me, I think it's hilarious. I'll just be the bystander playing around. I'll be flipping pancakes while people are punching themselves in the face." He loves to watch and he's good at loving to watch:
And, you know, even when it turned out that he'd gotten awfully comfy with a trans woman...
...he didn't lash out or let it threaten his manhood, at least, as far as what we saw ("I'm a trooper, I'm the Situation man," he said without a trace of disgust). And, after all, he does have a history of similar tolerance, even if it's motivated by narcissism (he loves to be loved, regardless). That said, it's funny how narcissism could work in this case to turn him into a decent guy.
But this brush with a penis-haver (or former one) brings us to our next, important lesson...
I believe this lesson is less anti-trans and more anti-thinking. You know this cast! Again, the use of the word "tranny" is problematic, but I sense that they're just dumb, not hateful and that Pauly D doesn't really want another penis in his life. For some guys, one pierced one is enough.
- The drunken anchor is something that people actually do.
Whatever works, though, you know? I was once so drunk at my friend's house and her bed was level with a windowsill, so I was able to lie on it with my head out of the window and it stopped the spins entirely.
Stil, it may have been wise to let Pauly throw up after this:
That's Angelina, if you didn't know. Probably best to get that all up and out.
- The secret of joy is treating every trip to the supermarket like it's a trip to the Roxbury.
If Deadmau5 ever does a remake of Haddaway's "What Is Love?" he could really just set the video to this loop. It'd be perfect, really.