Like firecrackers in a dumpster, so are the weekly 42 minutes of our lives. This week, "Stop!" was the new "Done!" "Did I really punch her, let’s be honest?" was the new, "I didn't three-way kiss anybody, did I?" And thanking Ronnie for being there for you while you argued with others about his indiscretions was the new arguing with Ronnie about his indiscretions. Things are really shaking and/or heating up!
You know who's the worst? Everybody! But even with that understood and celebrated on a weekly basis (at least) , I was shocked at how contagious shittiness could be. It was as though Jwoww and Sammi's fist fight ignited an e coli outbreak and the shit rained down for the first 10 minutes of the show to a room full of grateful, gaping mouths. Let's rank the bad behavior from almost certainly fatal to just-shy-of-tolerable.
- Jwoww - Not content to let firecrackers fizzle, she threw something after she and Sammi already had been broken up, and then attempted to attack Ronnie with a plate.
If those don't count as deadly weapons, perhaps her willful ignorance does -- “I don’t even get why she was mad. Didn’t even make sense to me," said Jwoww after the dust settled. Sammi's ire may have been misplaced an unfounded but its rationale was announced repeatedly, over the course of multiple episodes (she felt betrayed about any potential friends who knew about Ronnie's cheating but refused to speak up; then she begged for whomever wrote the letter to tell her). If Jwoww can't pay attention to apparently the only notable thing that's happened since she arrived in Miami, it's only a matter of time that she wanders out into traffic, drunk on a rage-narcissism cocktail.
Also, she gloated.
- Sammi - She took time from her busy schedule of looking sexily tussled...
...to transfer her rage from Jwoww to Snooki for a while.
She threw something at Jwoww after Jwoww attempted to attack Ronnie with the plate, which shows that she was just as intent on continuing this nonsense as her menacing counterpart (throw 'em all in anger management and let a shrink sort 'em out, is what I say).
Also, she gloated...
...and basked...and called this physical altercation "the best accomplishment I've had in a long time." She's spent so much time in bed and flipping her hair recently, that I think she actually may be correct, tragically enough.
- Snooki - She lied...
Like her ally Jwoww, Snooki also could not absorb the clearly stated cause of Sammi's anger: "And now that she realizes that we wrote the note, she’s mad at us. That makes no fucking sense to me. It doesn’t." These people treat accountability like crabs, constantly transferring and never wanting.
And speaking of crabs, I'm not saying that Snooki has them...
...but this kind of pronounced wiggling and inability to stay in one place while ranting does suggest something extra is going on in her pants.
Also, she gloated (see high-five gif above).
- Ronnie - He bizarrely accused Vinny of starting this ordeal by informing Jwoww that Angelina was talking shit about her talking shit, paying no mind that Sammi latched onto the conflict like a louse to a pube.
And then he made a sandwich.
- Vinny - He stayed out of it until the very end...
...when he said he wished that Ronnie had beat up Angelina. Ronnie doesn't really need an idea like that planted in his head. And if someone with relative perspective isn't going to stop the spiral of violence, no one will.
- Angelina - She screamed in an attempt to both deny responsibility and make this all about her.
But, to be fair, she failed in both respects.
Also, she advocated violence against Vinny...on Staten Island. As if merely going there weren't torture enough.
- Pauly - He asked if there was any more turkey sandwhich after Sammi made reference to wielding one during her weird gloating session. This was pretty great, actually, as were most of Pauly's reactions to the stupid drama this episode. For example:
This last one is so very erotic. May Pauly continue growing more comfortable with his sexuality and may he never stop eating turkey sandwiches.
Beef, the other orange meat. I appreciate his slight chunk. It's a nice antidote to the Situation's insect-like thorax.
By the end of the season, we'll have a great collection of these that we can do nothing with.
And speaking of him...
- The Situation - He kind of cheered on Sammi and maybe kinda sorta played both sides, but mostly stayed out of things. Again, self-absorption is by default the most civilized philosophy exhibited on this show. What a world!
Here are our lessons for the week:
- World War III will involve hair extensions, fingernails on the ground and a tuna fish sandwich on the ground.
Yep, sounds like the end of civilization to me! This also helps validate calling out of work with the excuse of missing fingernails.
Perhaps it was Agent Orange that did it, you know? In WWIII, only the strong survive, and I guess that means Sammi.
To be fair, she is very resistant to pain...to the point of revelry.
- Herpes and tan-sults are saltpeter of the soul.
Simple mathematics, guys.
- "You were a big bitch," is a perfectly reasonable thing to agree with.
It's like they took the Old Angelina, shredded her and flattened out the pieces to make the doormat that is the New Angelina. I think it's part of Staten Island's recycling program.
Oh, her whole Fossil watch gloating...
...made me really sad. I didn't think I was a snob like that at all, although like I said last week, this show is turning me into a bad person. Part of it was real sadness, that something like a cheap piece of sub-jewelery could make a girl so happy. Has she never known niceness? And then the other sad feeling came from watching someone who thought she was hot shit because she has a new piece of crap strapped to her wrist. In either case, she's kind of lost. I did like the Situation's logic that Jose dropping $39.95 on her should easily get him a ride, if you know what I mean. Most expensive Staten Island Ferry ticket ever! Angelina's value is complicated at best.
- Ronnie still cares about Sammi...and whatever.
Emphasis on the "whatever!" At least they can both agree that he wasn't the main offender in the whole him-cheating-on-her situation. Suuuuuch a cute couple!
Ronnie still has a ways to go in the whole learning-how-to-get-a-blowjob thing, though!
- Hugs are like weapons, they wound sometimes.
...Or at least, that's how it seemed when Jwoww and Snooki just happened to show up in the same place as their new enemy (what a coincidence -- you would have thought they had production coordinators helping them in their filming of a reality show or something!).
"My normal relief" is really, really good, though. In a world where everyone is inherently comedic and ridiculous, normal indeed does sound like relief.
- "You look cute" is a great way to get someone off your back.
This was kind of brilliant because it shut Angelina right up. At last, someone cracked the code! Somewhere between mastermind and masturbatory, there is Sammi (and also there is her comment, "Don't come an inch to me.")
- There are very few people who are actually white.
This is the best live-action comic strip I've ever watched. Let me guess: Aaron McGruder wrote the dialogue. Also, something tells me that Snooki had this teacher when she was in preschool, you know, two years ago.
It's really weird how such absolutism could be read as politically correct, since Snooki is otherwise never invested in political correctness. Here's her dancing "like Spanish people":
Somewhere between Rose Nylund-style endearment through idiocy and the entitled ignorance of an old, conservative, white peach politician, there is Snooki.
At least, I think that's what the Situation was saying here. ("I mean, he peed in many different ways," is pretty genius, though.)
Finally, some notes on everyone's favorite activity: the art of...
- Preparation begins in that bar in Star Wars.
I admire Snooki and Jwoww for protecting themselves by wearing essentially what were full-body condoms to clean the house's smush room. They're referencing The Naked Gun by way of visual gag, right?
- Lube is important.
Definitely put lotion up your butt, but you can also slick your entire person down with lotion.
This way, you can crawl up the ass of whomever you're smushing, like the hamster you are. (Note: It helps if you are as tall as an actual hamster.)
- Smushing in the same room as your non-smushing friend is completely acceptable.
College is over, but you don't have to tell your sex life that!
- Man grenades exist.
They have a more complicated scientific name, though: grenade-grundle-choad. They often come in the form of a Adrien Brody-Paul Reubens composite.
To dispose of them, kick them out of the house "like what boys do to the girls." After all, why should men get to have all the horrible?
- The "I'm good-looking train" has a free transfer to the Staten Island Ferry.
And I guess this means that Vinny actually finds Rob Kardashian quite sexy. Maybe that's his David Beckham, the one guy this otherwise straight dude would give himself over to. As always, I look forward to watching the heterosexuality of these guys evolve like a supervirus. Their sense of humor certainly is: "Can we stop so Vinny can buy a Fossil watch?” is the wittiest thing that's ever been said on this show. Almost makes me proud.