The only sweeter sentiment we've seen all season came in the form of a Fossil watch.
(Obviously, this is coming at you way late, but completism impels me.)
The week's biggest lesson: be careful what you wish for. An almost Ronnie-and-Sammi-free episode turned out to be not nearly the bit of magic that I once thought it would. Ironically, Ronnie provided a highlight, politely spraying after his trip to the bathroom during Gluttonslothfest '10...
For once, the guy accepts accountability!
Maybe it all seemed so...blah because it was the second time in four days that a new episode aired. One lesson that I'm sick of learning but that bears repeating is that one episode per week of Jersey Shore is enough, thank you very much. Even though the effect of this show is about the opposite of exfoliation, we should treat it as such and do it no more than once a week. Help put the miss in misogyny, programmers.
Maybe also it was Vinny's mom visiting, which always depresses me a little. I know very well that it is her right to stand for 20 hours out of every day, serving people while her stomach digests itself and her body slowly begins to reject her newest feet transplants, but I also wonder if she is happy. I wonder if she wouldn't rather have brought a change of clothes instead of a dozen packs of Alfani white T's for Vinny.
Alfani white T's: the perfect complement to any Fossil watch.
Really, we've seen this woman pop up on no fewer than three episodes at this point, and this is the nicest thing I've ever seen anyone do for her:
And you know she's just going to turn around and give that to someone else.
Of course, I'm in it mainly for the gif opportunities at this point, and there were plenty of gifs to be had:
Maybe one day we can all get together, roll our eyes and be so over the Sanitation's abs right along with him. I'm getting to feel almost as bad for him as I do Vinny's mother (not really, but he does seem kind of annoyed a lot).
Hey guys, I think they're really into that Italian lifestyle. I've heard of pasta-eaters, but it's really a whole other thing to see them in action. How often do we get this chance?
For real, that Jwoww considers the things she does with her mouth to be publicly acceptable never cease to amaze me:
As long as she's digging up in there, I'm digging her.
Anyway, the lessons.
- Being incoherent is the best thing you could be on this show.
Uncle Nino was like man of the year.
I don't know if he would have been so embraced if everyone could actually make out what he was saying (broads are like canes?!?). But then again, he was capable of an unlikely and vivid word choice like "scary delicious" to describe Jwoww's skin tone. It could be that instead of his impaired tongue making him as likable as possible, it was making him less likable than possible: it could be that it was hiding the soul of a poet.
And the eaters squat with appreciation.
- Snooki is an animal...and I mean Animal.
There was a scene of her plucking her eyebrows in this episode, and now you know why. Really, at this point, "Muppet" is the only explanation for her existence that would satisfy me.
- There are sexual positions you've never even imagined.
You've heard of doggy style? Well, the following are super obnoxiously aggressive style:
You'll be shocked to know that even though his object of fleeting focus seemed DTSOAS...
...she actually was not.
And here's the biggest lesson of all: nothing seals the deal of a girl's disinterest like a smack on the ass.
Keep it here:
Shit, talk about urination if you feel it necessary...
...but don't hit her on the ass. That will leave you without a hit of the sex that you're addicted to if you're the type who'll later call up women at 6 in the morning to get them to come over to smush. Seriously, are the Sanitation and Pauly on meth? Do they just like their women to have that pre-9 am rasp? What was that shit?
Although, I do applaud the Sanitation for turning the act of being in a room while your friend has sex into a comedy bit:
Extreme human behavior, after all, is always appreciated in these parts.
- When you are having a rough time, Lady Gaga is there.
At least that's what this promo that popped up suggested as Angelina was revealing...
...something to Jose...something about hooking up. But with whom?
Oh my god! Do you think she hooked up with Vince Vaughn? He's definitely got that ogre-sexy thing going on. Great catch, Angelina! Or do you think she exhumed the corpse of Vincent Price to turn him out? Angelina doesn't strike me as someone who'd be too bothered by the funk of 17 years. Or maybe do you think she hooked up with a vinaigrette? Some people think hooking up means kissing, some people think hooking up means havin' sex, and surely some others must think it means eating salad dressing, no?
Well, with the noise in that club and the obscured subtitles, I guess we'll never be sure! I can relate to Jose more than ever.
Also, I found it hilarious that he was worried that Angelina's fooling around would make him look bad or stupid. In this crowd? Please. They can only make you look better by comparison. Someone needs to buy Jose Schadenfreude for Dummies off his Amazon Wishlist.
- Karma is not a force of humanity.
Jwoww threatened to drop a dime on Angelina for hooking up with the bottle of vinaigrette last week (reasoning, "Some shit needs to happen to her"). Meanwhile, the Sanitation went even further...
...because all of a sudden he felt a sense of moral obligation to the person who's being cheated on. I guess it's easier when it's a stranger and not, you know, someone who you actually know, who's crying, flipping her hair with urgency and begging that someone would just tell her anything about Ronnie's philandering. I guess it's also easier, too, when your motivation comes down to what will make for a supposedly better plot point for your non-supposed show. Ultimately, it takes a hypocritical whore to know one.
Anyway! My point is that all of these people were intent on serving Angelina her comeuppance and you know what? It didn't work! Jose believed that she just kissed Vinny and that was that. Granted, I do have a feeling that time is running out for these two and that this certainly isn't the last we'll hear about Vinny and Angelina (when is anything ever the last time we'll hear about anything on this show?). My Fossil watch can't predict the future, but I couldn't help but temporarily cheer for Angelina in this case. I just hate when people pervert the concept of karma!
You know what karma also isn't? A club in Miami. It's back in Seaside. We're strictly Tantra this season.
- Karma is, however, a bitch.
For this little bit of distracting gloating alone...
...Vinny probably deserves having his Bentley crash in the form of a stood-up date (how pathetic was it that he didn't even get that bartender or go-go girl or hooker -- she said she was working -- to go out with him by positioning it as a "sympathy date"). Also, he deserves it for co-signing on the "Staten Island Dump" nickname for Angelina. I can get behind the "Ferry" nickname, because a ferry is something you ride...and so is Angelina (I don't think she'd disagree), but it's pretty repulsive to agree that a woman who helped get you off is a dump. Go try sticking your dick in a pile of trash and let me know if you feel the difference between maggots and mucous membrane. Typically, I like Vinny more than most, but I can't say I didn't enjoy watching him get the wind knocked out of his sails.
Next time if you're looking to wife up, find someone who works at Hooters. Let this be a lesson to all of you.