Given that Ann cries not just at the drop of a hat, but also at the tip and pompom of one, the chances of something being in her eye that isn’t a tear is pretty slim. When in doubt: COUNTS.
“I just don’t want to screw up,” says Ann. If this competition were about refraining from talking about screwing up, she would have failed a long time ago. Do I even need to tell you that the Ann Breakdown Watch enters yet another week?
After revealing to her daughter and, of course, the world that she’d already been on the potty, Liz told a temporarily sympathetic Chelsey, “She’s talkin’ so good!” Shame it doesn’t run in the family, though.
“I can’t see her and I can’t hold her and I can’t touch her,” Liz moaned further about her child in interview. Well, now that Liz is eliminated, she can. Works out for everyone!
The fact that this is the second to last screen shot of Liz crying that I’ll ever post doesn’t make it any more pleasant. GO HOME ALREADY, WOMAN.
Chris’ strong reaction to Liz’s elimination brings her down considerably in my book.
Even though a rendition of “Why Must I Cry” would be the only suitable explanation for this screen shot, Liz was instead explaining, “The only person who could make me happy right now is my daughter.” THEN FUCKING GO ALREADY. Christ. Isn't there a closet with an automatic light somewhere that she can go be impressed by, at least?
“When you get called to go to Paris by your agency, or Milan or London, it is not what you’ve seen on Top Model in the past, which is glamour and fun. That’s not the reality. And because you guys are getting an Italian Vogue spread with IMG, I wanted to have you guys experience what it really is like.”
Those other 14 times? A total lie. Non reality on a reality show. But this right now is the truth because Tyra said so. What’s not to trust?
Tyra Banks: getting things right about obvious social cues since ’03. What a people person. And what a people pleaser! It's boiling in the room and she's still barking orders about sitting fiercely.
I loved Chelsey’s initial reaction to Tyra's directive, by the way:
As someone who knew to come armed with a knowledge of designers and photographers and as the sole person who read their Milan pad for what it was (Tyra Banks’ lesson in what a model apartment is like), Chelsey knows this show well enough to be afraid whenever Tyra changes course and directly addresses what’s going on. I’m shocked that she didn’t cower in a corner like an abused dog the second that Tyra’s voice raised a decibel. Although, comparing these girls to abused dogs is kind of insulting dog abuse, I realize.
By the way, Chelsey had a few good shocked faces this episode:
Well two. That’s more than I could say for most. This and her utter inability to put up with Liz for another episode put me squarely on Team Chelsey. I think I love this girl now. She knows what’s up.
And it came true, too! The Chelstine Prophecy came true!
“I love the sound of your voice. It is so beautiful, I wish my voice was like that. We’ve reached a decision. Have we reached a decision? Sexy lady. OK, we’ve reached a decision.”
Tyra is referring to Margherita Missoni:
And apparently her own bicuriosity. Now Tyra’s the girl with the thing! The girl with the thing is changing every episode. Really, really riveting cycle.
And as for ALT...
I would say that this episode was an incandescent return to form.
On Chelsey's shot:
At least he's offering a Cliff's Notes to his verbose diatribes (cold and frozen?!?). Doesn't help it make any more sense, but it's encouraging that he understands the concept of simplifying (because until now I really, really didn't think he did).
I love that Nigel praised Chelsey for looking like she was smizing with her eyes closed (you know how they love girls to do the impossible!) and how Tyra frantically emphasized how much Nigel likes eye contact, as though he's been threatening her with violence and White Stag in the event that she should come up short. God, the idea that Tyra isn't hoarding the power here is earth-shattering on a Santa-Claus-isn't-real level.
If you ask me, Chelsey looks like she's telling the handsome, beautiful, big-nosed Italian man about her rosacea. Nothing more, nothing less.
On Ann's shot:
OK, Andre, we get it. You studied the I's this week in your vocabulary booster (or, more likely, Mariah Carey's vocabulary booster). It's more impressive if you use a variety of 10-cent words, not just the same one over. Take a (-nother) page from Mariah's book. Serve "nonchalant." Serve "painstakingly." Serve "intrinsic."
On Chris' shot:
Is that crow wearing a cloak? Or does that crow look like this:
The point is: never hold it against someone for looking afraid on this show. It's only natural, always.
On Liz's shot:
Imagine a homosexual not getting excited by a prelude to a smiling snatch. Just imagine!
By the way do you think ALT has sex? I do not. I think he reads erotica no more recent than the turn of the 20th century and I think he strokes his magic wands in hope and remembrance.
1. First of all...
2. I loved the Italy reveal (up to the point where Tyra aired out her fanny). I loved that it required them to ride bikes like Goonies or some shit...
...and that J told them for their next shoot, they had to jump off a bridge.
It's funny because it's plausible...both from a perilous standpoint and a stupid-photo-shoot standpoint.
But you know what was all wrong? When J said, "This is the first time, actually, that we've had a cast house that was on the beach." It doesn't count as the first time on this show unless you qualify with "in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model." That phrase is the Miranda Rights of non-events that this show attempts to make significant.
Similarly, "Tomorrow, you guys are moving onto Milan," is not how you say that. It's, "Pack your bags, y'all, you're going to Milan." Why am I the only one around here who knows how to say things right?
I did, however, like the break in convention that came from giving us moving plane animation:
First time in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model. And it feels so good!
3. And speaking of saying things right and not...
"Instantly, when I hear 'Milan,' I think Mulan, like the movie. So I'm thinking Japan, dragons. Y'know, I don't even know where my mind was at." Thinking this is dumb enough, but recounting it once you've obviously been corrected is even dumber. Get it together, Liz. You have a daughter to inspire and talk good to.
A close runner-up for the dumbest quote of the week was Kayla's, "I could definitely get used to living a fabulous life. I mean, I'm gay, that's what we're used to." Coming from someone who slept in a sleeping back full of cat o' nine tails so that each toss and turn would result in a slight lashing over the wickedness of homosexuality, this makes no sense. I'm guessing production told her to say it. But say Kayla was born with a silver spoon in her vagina: she's still doing it wrong. It's gay guys who are the "fabulous" ones. If you want to get stereotypical about it (and apparently she does), lesbians aren't into fabulous. They like nature and dogs. The closest Kayla should come to the lap of luxury is Tyra's fluttering crotch. And look, there I go, explaining the obvious yet again.
4. And again, speaking of saying things wrong...
...This is wrong. No matter what Chris did, this is wrong. However, it is a wonderful way to describe Andre, particularly in this instance. The irony is fierce!
5. Are you noticing that as Ann continues to develop her persona (that word should probably have quotes around it, given the development) and get comfortable, she's doing worse in this competition? Oh well, if she no longer is the owner of the amazing prize of digital art from her photo shoots, I'll give her digital art based on her general manner:
I know that quoting yourself is disgustingly self-important -- I did it for authenticity's sake.
Meanwhile, Jane's full of fantastically deep character:
Pamphlets. Very, very fascinating.
"If you wanna be a couture girl one day, you have to push through being super uncomfortable and working and owning these garments," says Jay. I've noticed that he often urges the girls to push through, as though this show is a giant sphincter. Just because America's Next Top Model is run by assholes, it doesn't mean that the show is an actual asshole. That would be weird.
7. Kayla says, "I'm not used to birds!"
Does she live in a coal mine? Who in North America isn't used to birds? Maybe it is she who was actually afraid of the crow.
8. And so, in sum, "Oh, here comes a crow."
Just kidding, it's Harry Knowles.
Just kidding, it's Kayla. But she looks like a shrunken, upright Harry Knowles. And I don't like that.