The Ann Breakdown Watch continues!
You can totally see the frown hiding behind the smile that's not quite hiding behind the frown.
Just the idea of being close enough to a dude to kiss him had Kayla beside herself. That's sad and serious. In other words: here ya go, reality TV. It's time for you to feast.
But really, it's at least a little strange that Kayla was so against acting romantically with a guy and then a little pep talk from Jay apparently changed her entire outlook.
Suffering a year-and-a-half of prepubescent abuse gives Kayla the right to heal however the fuck she wants. Whatever works at this point is the way to do it. I just wish for her sake that divulging all this on reality TV wasn't the way she decided to do it. It looks weird and she probably doesn't need people saying things like, "It looks weird." Whatever. She didn't get eliminated so for the purposes of the show, she did everything right. Right?
So did Jay! He was so weirdly compassionate and didn't seem to pressure her at all. I think he was on drugs. And not pot or uppers or ecstasy, but hardcore, disassociative drugs. It's the only explanation for his deviating from himself so greatly.
Ann was afraid of falling down and people laughing as a result.
Here's a rare case of fears being utterly justified.
Here Ann talked about the prospect of getting psyched out essentially psyching her out. Earlier, this was all it took to psych her out:
Ann is the easiest person in the world to psych out. I bet listening to Shanice's "I Love Your Smile" is a traumatic experience for her.
In other news...
...the Ann Breakdown Watch goes on and on and on. Here's her not getting called first again. How the mighty are crestfallen!
She doesn't want to go home a failure or some shit. The real thing to cry about would be the delusion that propels her to believe she can actually win this thing. But then, self-awareness isn't Liz's strong suit.
In related news...
...I think a beard made out of her own hair would complete Ann's look.
When asked if her tight dress was impeding her walking, Tyra stated, "No, I'm just being dumb." She's not one for self-awareness, either, but look, miracles can happen. Here's proof.
"That's what you have to use, 'cause that's your purity and that's your truth. And that's what's gonna make you shine. You almost have an advantage over the girls behind you because you have that extra thing. And it should make you hungrier and it should make you fight and it should make you take this so seriously. OK?"
No, it is not OK for people to take this show so seriously. Let's get that straight immediately. However, it is good to know that Esther has not left this cycle devoid of a girl with a thing. And I think we all agree that a child is most certainly a thing.
This, by the way, was in response to Liz laughing at herself laughing at herself.
Basically, in her commercial, she'd fuck up and laugh and then watching it back, she found all that hilarious. Her assholishness is now exponential! She's fast becoming fascinating.
The best thing about this wasn't the tangible illustration of how foolish Liz is or the Tyraism that it spawned, but the reactions from the judges...
Come to think of it, if cartoon characters can take this shit seriously, I guess Liz can, too.
"What I liked about you physically in this commercial is you looked urban. Like, a black girl looking at redhead, white-skinned Kayla could identify with you."
Yeah, it's amazing how hoop earrings and a ponytail can turn you into an honorary sister. What a weird, unnecessarily complicated comment! And what about black girls from the country? Is Kayla's urban swag speaking to them?
"Your voice has a natural, we call it like a muffler on it, where it kind of gets caught. So you have to practice, and go in the mirror and push past your mufflelullullull...
...Push past it!"
If Tyra informed Esther that she needed to go down to Pep Boys and have them replace her muffler with a new one, it would make more sense than this advice. Because, seriously, what? How? Why? Where? When? Who?
(On Jane) "She has a fantastic look. I can see her on a runway, I can see her on the cover of amazing magazines, but I don't know if she'd ever get that opportunity, because the personality is kinda like (broken kazoo groan)."
The fact of the matter is that if Jane showed up making broken kazoo groans, she'd have more personality than just about every other one of her competitors. Tyra thinks she's criticizing but really, she's promoting an ideal.
And speaking of ideals:
This looks like the most complicated tube of toothpaste from Costco ever. It will last forever while weirding you out at the same time. (Love that his choice of Aquafresh green foreshadowed Tyra's elimination dress. Showtime, synergy.)
On Chelsey's commercial...
Sounds like someone needs to go back to Costco and get one of those bookcase-sized boxes of Rice Krispies. Or maybe he's just hungry.
I understand that black is beautiful; I'm starting to understand that big hoop earring is, too.
Also, ALT looks fabulous in this screen shot...
...because he does evoke to me the Disney villain with the vinyl cloak, wand and natural talons.
1. Are you ready?
It'd be one thing if these models that they brought in (who looked on average to be 35, since we're being bitchy!)...
...were able to be clever enough with their bitchiness so as not to make things personal and still give the ANTM girls a hard time. That would be stupid and annoying enough. But the fact that they merely removed their filters and said whatever the fuck came to mind made this little lesson something like ready-to-wear Milgram. You can make fun of Esther's boobs for being too big, but no amount of "just kidding!" is going to make them any smaller or practical for a modeling career, you know? And don't these girls get enough bitchiness from the panel? Like, they don't need another stress component because taking verbal abuse, impossible-to-follow advice and amateur performance art in 10-hour intervals regularly is stress enough, thank you very much. What a terrible exercise! This was invented to hurt their feelings and to make us laugh at that. Uh, thanks?
I appreciated some of the girls' refusal to be ruffled:
Now you know Chris, she don't give a damn.
I can really relate to her, and she doesn't have hoop earrings or anything. So weird!
2. Similar to the challenge, the shoot was invented to hurt the girls' bodies and to make us laugh.
Thanks, indeed! Ann looks like pulled taffy on wheels, doesn't she?
This reminds me so much of the Tim and Eric sketch "Whoopsie Daisy," featuring a Whoopi Goldberg impersonator getting things thrown at her and generally mocked, that I feel like just embedding that here and now. It is undoubtedly funnier than anything I could ever come up with:
Here's Ann's insanely looped Whoopsie Daisy moment:
By the way, I know that I erroneously referred to the Tim and Eric character Casey as "Uncle Muscle" a few recaps ago, which is just dumb. As penance, I donated to the Cinco Corporation, not that they need it with the guaranteed revenue from all of their amazing products.
Jane, I believe is part puppy...
...at least, that is what her skate-yelping and all around incompetence on two feet suggest.
Oh and the line readings!
"Looking good on the outside starts with feeling good on the inside," said Ann, wincing and showing us just how not good she feels on the inside.
Then there was Liz's fuck up (which she, again, found hilarious twice)...
"When you feel beautiful on the inside, you feel even better on the inside." That's about inanely self-satisfied enough to become this show's new motto.
Really, the whole thing was probably just an excuse for Nigel to indulge in bicuriosity yet again.
I mean, the guy quoted Andre Leon Talley during this challenge. He's going to be getting fisted in no time.
3. Speaking of bicuriosity:
I like to think that Chris is more experiencing Liz panic than gay panic. I would be, at least.
Here, Liz. Let me adjust your digital art for you:
There, that's better (and by that, I mean worse).
4. Usually when the girls scream when someone walks into their apartment, it is totally stupid and unnecessarily theatrical.
In this case, I think it was genuine and warranted:
5. I think I'm officially Team Kayla now simply because she cleans up so well:
Best look ever? I was so impressed that I didn't scoff entirely when whoever said this:
Like, one of them is? Maybe?
6. I felt like Zac Posen was looking through my soul through the TV.
And god, look at how pushy he is:
Zac Poser, more like. Am I right?
"I need to see that natural fierceness through your body basically..." he told Jane. (It's always Jane! They're always picking on Jane now!) That is guidance from the Tyra school of instruction, if ever there were. Wanna throw in some grunting or grand sweeping movements to make it official, Poser?
7. And speaking of...
...how the hell is anyone going to learn what not to do, when Tyra just takes their errors and turns them into comedy bits. Look, everyone's elbowing for attention and the fact that she's making their fuck-ups funny is just going to make them want to do them more. It's like them taking her fuck-ups, like oh, say, not getting a sponsor and having to make up a water that could have easily been a product placement...
...it's like taking that, and drinking it.
(And seriously, was YJ Stinger not interested?)
I mean, any excuse to "cheese"...
She should be thanking these girls for providing her material.
By the way...
...that's a still from the gif above it. Tyra's not looking through my soul, she's staring dead at it, eager to drag it to hell. On ANTM, it's a happy Halloween 24/7.