Really, ANTM? You're not going to take the opportunity to be trendily compassionate and crown your first openly gay winner? If anyone needed it, this is at last conclusive proof that it does not get better!
She claimed that da Vinci's The Last Supper moved her to tears. I like to think, however, that ALT rapped her on the knees a few to many times with his stick and that was the real cause of her waterworks. Basically, I just want to believe that his stick has an actual function.
Also, I like that this picture proves that Chelsey and ALT are tooth-space twins (fraternal, obvs).
Still on the Last Supper thing! They should hire a spider to weave a web that says, "SOME PAINTING" above it because clearly, that is some painting.
Even though this was all show for the "motion editorial" shoot, who am I to say what is and what isn't real? Real tears in this environment are as frivolous as these fake ones.
Ditto on the last point, with a lesbian twist!
"Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Maybe the problem is I can't hear you, on account of the fact that I am WAY TOO OLD for this environment and my facilities are acting to scale."
(Just kidding, I like Chelsey and wish her success in modeling Depend or Gold Bond Medicated Powder or Talbot's or whomever will have her as she shuffles slowly toward total decrepitude.)
"Jane really struggles with conveying any type of emotion. She's holding onto the handlebars of control."
As a lead cyclist on the seat-less bike of reality TV, Tyra knows what she's talking about.
By the way, I'm so glad Jane ditched all the fake tears this week and didn't even attempt to cry over being eliminated. I think she got tired of being their tear-monkey this week, as well she should. Why squeeze teardrops from a stone for a bunch of assholes?
"[To Jane] 'Cause remember I said before, I was like, 'I don't remember her. I go to bed at night and I don't remember her.'? And I went to bed that night, going, 'That girl worked my set.'"
I'm never not creeped out by Tyra talking about thinking about these women in bed, and also her apparently terrible memory that causes her to forget people that she sees on a regular basis. Way to admit to a small mental capacity and/or general inability to consider others. Then again, this woman is busy and she has a lot on her mind. Primarily:
Variations on the gif above have popped up before, with good reason: it is the greatest Tyraism ever Tyraismed.
"[Again to Jane] You haven't mastered your body."
I get the feeling that Tyra has, though, though long nights in bed thinking of Jane. GET OFF HER DICK ALREADY.
"[Once again, this one's for Jane] I haven't seen a girl with that much hair in her face that can still push through and make me buy whatever the hell she has on her body."
A girl pushing through with hair on her face? Would it by chance be afterbirth that she has on her body? And Tyra's licking it up, too. The afterbirth of the souls you are desecrating tastes delicious!
Keep in mind that upon elimination, Tyra told Jane, "Push through more." Her ass is going to fall out if she pushes through any more. Everyone's is.
On that note, it seems apt to turn to ALT...
Good old Twinkle Eyes!
On Ann and her corset...
You could knock me over with a cloak in the face of stylish masochism garnering praise on this show. "You won me over. I want to take you to a party," is really good though. I hope it's not a sex party that includes bondage and fisting, though. We can't have that many asses falling out!
On Ann (again)...
Does ALT think that forces of nature are super powers? I guess that would explain the cloaks: by wearing them, he's just being environmentally responsible!
Also, he already said this, almost verbatim, except it was the super power that was propelling her forward. His cauldron of choice phrases, it turns out, has a bottom (and he's not it!).
1.Tyra is such an asshole.
What nerve this woman has to think that she should be directing things! Her directorial debut was much like her R&B debut way back in Cycle 2 (also a cycle that they packed their bags y'all, and went to Milan, interestingly enough -- there's something about Italy that really brings out the flavor of Tyra's egomania). That is to say that Modelli Folli is the "Shake Ya Body" of motion editorials. I can say that in good faith without ever having seen a motion editorial before (I think) and certainly without any interest in ever seeing one again.
It's like if Fellini and iamamiwhoami decided to have a baby, but then changed their minds and had an abortion instead. I love how she had the girls all whisper their own names: YOU CAN'T MASK YOUR GENUINE, CREEPY NARCISSISM WITH CREEPY NARCISSISM IMPOSED ON THE GIRLS, Banks!
The sole actual scary shot didn't even make it in:
(That much corn silk is terrifying!!!)
Although I do give her (or more likely, her editor) props for getting rid of this:
Obscuring narcissism is too complicated even without mouth fog. With it, it is a riddle punctuated by a finger-traced question mark.
2. Well, it looks like Madonna's entering her wizard-guru-advice-seeking phase:
This woman looks like she could cut glass with her bones through her skin.
Terrifying. Not in an ugly way! Just in a bird-of-prey way.
And you know what else was terrifying?
ALT's hovering over the girls as they attempted to impress Franca Sozzani with their personalities.
Imagine living with that over your shoulder, judging you, photo-bombing you at will. Imagine pooping with it. Imagine seeing The Last Supper with it!
Actually, that's perfect. It would take a master like da Vinci to put ALT's spectacle into perspective.
(This is perfect, too, especially as a statement that anime is for losers.)
(And I say that as a dilettante-ish anime fan, so don't cry to me about jokes 'cause I'll out-lose every loser up in here!)
3. Barbara Terrinoni is probably my favorite person of the cycle.
She is as nutty as an acting coach needs to be. For example: "When we are onstage we are like lions. Please: be a lions. and "Are you sure you're alive?" and "Smile, not like Frankenstein." So basically, what I'm saying is that all acting coaches should have the articulation limitations of Penelope Cruz in Vanilla Sky.
After the humiliation that is typical of both this show and acting lessons (and given that Yaya's fictitiously fucking Mark Ruffalo on film is perhaps the greatest professional accomplishment of all the ANTM alumna, maybe an acting lesson and this show are one in the same after all), I loved that J told them, "Everything you learned today, you have to take to a very important client today." Can you imagine if they had approached Franca Sozzani like this?
They would have broken her. If not her spirit, then the confidence in this show that she shouldn't have anyway, and if not either, then her bones, which as fate would have it, are not so strong anyway, since she's, you know, an old lady.
Setting these girls up for failure, I tell ya. Barbara was right, though, to try to get more out of their shrieks of, "Help me!" They're going to have to beg extremely hard if they want to see actual modeling work after this thing is done.
4. I'm upset enough about Kayla's elimination that I'm mentioning it again (but only upset enough to mention it again). I thought for sure she was going to win this thing, if not at least be in the Top 2 with Ann, who's obviously the winner now. That's fine. Ann having to do real work should be interesting until I forget about it, which is to say: immediately. And I'm not a non-fan of Chelsey. She wasn't made of sea foam or anything, but she's attractive enough and I enjoy her sass. I especially enjoy her flirting with trashiness back home:
I swear if things went just a little different for Chelsey's DNA, she coulda made her reality splash on Rock of Love, not this.
As broken up as I was (or was not, as it were) about Kayla's elimination, I had to laugh when she talked about being proud of how far she's come and at the same time, a picture of her head full of ramen noodles flashed on the screen:
Kayla: it's no longer what's for dinner (unless you're a girl!!!).
This counts as abuse, right? Can you submit animated gifs as evidence in court cases? Will someone please do that?
Nigel says, "It's interesting, the camera loves you..." I say: NO IT'S NOT, NOR WAS THE CAMERA LOVING ANYTHING INTERESTING THE FIRST 5,000 TIMES YOU POINTED IT OUT. Oh well, at least he's interested in himself, thus maintaining the tonal consistency of the show.
7. Even though Ann is going to win, don't even think I'm done the Ann Breakdown Watch! It's one of life's little pleasures -- I'll be scouring her editorials for cracks (although not her butt cracks, 'cause I'm not sick like panel). There are still several shining through:
The final was her reaction to Kayla saying that the panel was really going to pick on them, now that they were down to four. And keep in mind that the panel is terrible, but they're no match for the Internet. I wonder if Ann is OK right now, at this very moment? I wonder how she's coping with all of this chatter. It's not like she's strong or intimidating...
...or even that self-aware (although, paradoxically, she knows it.) Whatever. No matter what happens, she'll always have the comforts of the bacon sandwich, truly as much of a supporting character in this cycle (for sheer repeated instances of popping up) as anything.
But will she really win? I'm so nervous, I'm behaving like a top-heavy top.
Just kidding! I'm really not. I couldn't care less and neither could the boobies that make me beautiful.