Once again, a girl who came onto this show acting like a chewed up and spit out version of herself gets chewed up and spit out. America's Next Top Model: All-Stars is where self-fulfilling prophecy and just don't give a fuck intersect.
But at least before Bre departed, she imparted us with wisdom on humankind vis a vis Brittny Gastineau: "Now Brittny Gastineau is an incredible socialite that everybody strives to be at some point in their life." Finally, a succinct portrait of life on Earth that even your alien friends would get if you shared it on Twitter! Perhaps Bre's short run on this cycle aspired to Gastineau's brief and forgettable stint on reality TV? That's actually not the worst look for those interested in a lasting career.
Bre's inane quote was one of several on an episode that was chock full of them. Consider:
Kayla on the weird football game they had to play for "charity": "I've done sports all my life, so I'm like I have to win this one, especially because I'm a lesbian and we all have to win at sports." By now, Kayla must realize that the slope from activism to mockery is a slippery one, especially when it's lubed up by the grease of reality TV (as a lesbian, I do assume that she knows what lube is). Also, do you think the "we all" of "we all have to win at sports" means "we all the creeds and colors of the world" or "we all lesbians," and if she means the latter, that probably makes for some absolute carnage on the field hockey field, no? How do they even get their gardening done and their dogs walked if all the lesbians have to win at sports?
Also I loved that during Kayla's shoot for Tyra's Type F site (grunt shilling is such a good prize!!!), she was made to pick an "F" word to project in her photos, per ALT and his maybe-racist hat...
...and she chose "free" "because I'm proud of who I am." Oh really, and not because you were assigned it a few weeks back (days, most likely for her) in the branding exercise? If she can't remember that, I'm sad for her; if she thinks we can't remember that, I'm insulted.
But ultimately, who cares how I feel. The real point of all of this is watching ALT whip his maybe-racist hat around like a girl who just got her first tacky weave:
That was the whole point of this episode.
Just kidding! This was:
Just kidding! A close-up of Allison's lips doing this was:
This looks not just like an alien life form that you're following on Twitter, but a queen alien life form. I'm scared of the hood! As usual...
Just kidding for the last time (yeah right). None of these things were the point. The stupid shit people say was. I got off course. I apologize. I know I should be taking this free associative recapping of a show that aired days ago a lot more seriously. Let's get back some levity with Laura:
Laura has long reminded me of Macaulay Culkin but never more than in this quote. I feel like winning best photo is to Laura what making friends with a llama or prepubescent child was to MJ.
If it's a chance, it's a fat one. Sorry, plus-size one. Ooops, sorry again: fiercely real one.
Bianca: "I'm not intimidated by Lisa in the least. She's a whole lotta ball of fire with no flame." Fire with no flame? What is Lisa then? Napalm? A combination of bleach and ammonia? Something else that will singe your existence in an unconventional, completely horrifying manner? Bianca, please elucidate your imagery because I really want to see this in my head!
Also, Bianca said, "Bam!" a lot to relate her aggressive defense directed at Lisa on the football field, but the biggest, "Bam!" went to her professed interest in being ladylike and not wanting to start shit, right?
Speaking of shit...
...ever notice how Angelea walks around like she's on stilts and the floor is covered in dog shit? Weird, right?
Also, she had a breakdown:
Crying Count No. 17. Angelea
But it turned out fine. This doesn't bother me at all. If you need to cry, take the time to cry. I don't care if you're outside at a sex hotel with theme rooms, buying a curtain for your shower or taking part in a photo shoot. But then again, Bonnie Tyler instilled in me at a young age a deep love of women who every now and then fall apart.
And then there was Alexandria's epic declaration of confidence, which was so stuffed with I-will-survive cliches that it might as well have been a partial line reading of the now-classic Cher anthem from the Burlesque soundtrack, "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me." I feel like I can only do Alexandria's speech justice by typing it as poetry:
I'm feeling good
It's not my time to go home
Everything happens for a reason and,
I feel like I'm meant to be here just like everyone else does in this house but,
I'm not done yet
I'm still in it to win it.
Now, all she needs to do is invoke a little-known law regarding air rights and she will almost certainly be named America's Next Top Model: All Star!!!
I loved that Lisa's hair looked like this in her photo shoot...
...mostly because a few weeks ago when her hair was pushed forward to the point of looking like it was frantically attempting to escape something awful that was on the back of her neck (probably some misplaced vajazzling), I was curious about what the inverse of it would look like.
And now I have my answer.
And now I have beauty and amazement in my life.
That's Lisa for you, dealin' 4ever:
And then, there's Tyra.
On this episode, she said Bianca looks like a praying mantis in her picture:
She also compared Angelea to the Bride of Frankenstein.
Both were compliments, or at least, they were meant to be. Of Alexandria's shot, she said...
This was meant to be an insult, and not the straightforward recounting events that it actually was. I think we can all agree that "some reality show contestant" sums up Alexandria really, really, really, really well!
The supermodel in question, by the way, was Coco Rocha:
This shot is either proof that even the most glamorous person in the world could look as though she'd fit right in a South Jersey Pep Boys (all she's missing is 12 kids on her hip) if the wrong frame of her existence was chosen to represent her. Or, maybe Coco Rocha's kind of busted? Fiercely fug? So pretty it hurts...bad? I don't know. I do know that she out-Tyra'd Tyra:
So that's kind of tragic, either for Tyra or Coco, depending on your point of view. Me? I think they're all going to Hell.
There was a really good Tyraism in this episode, just because it concisely sums up Tyra's m.o.:
From the woman who brought you, "How were you burned?" comes more sadism!
I didn't write about last cycle, but had I did, this quote about the handlebars of fierceness that's posted on the fucking wall certainly would have taken up at least a few hundred words:
Now I will just say that it would seem that on the great bike of life, Tyra's brain is in her ass and the narrow saddle is doing a number on it.
Finally, anyone else disappointed that at no point during the girls' dealings with the football players did anyone say, as Robin did in Cycle 1, "He was lustin'!"? Laura knows what I'm talking about:
This was in response to, like, Tyra calling her name, but I can think of no better visual representation of lustin' than that. Well, maybe this. Maybe.
Anyway, in the spirit of lustin', here's the football players ranked from IMPREGNATE ME to YEP, STILL REALLY QUITE FUCKABLE:
If Angelea's request that "someone put a ring on it" was honored (and from what I can tell, it was not), I was thinking that it would have made this the most profitable challenge ever. Take that CSI! But then I was thinking about Football Wives and how football players make, like, minimum wage and are often beheaded while doing their job (true statistics!) and decided that a football player wouldn't be a good prize after all. But sex with one would be great! I can just tell.
Two more Allison gifs...
...and we're done. It's Sunday, for crying out loud! These gifs sum up my feelings about recapping on a weekend. I do it to myself, I do. And that's what really hurts.