We already know that Céline Dion is a maniac. However, it turns out that her mania intermingles with recent childbearing even more brilliantly than I would have imagined. The 90-minute documentary Céline: 3 Boys and a New Show aired this weekend on OWN, and its m.o. was to "unveil how Celine managed to deliver twins and a new show at the same time!" That's a noble theory, or whatever, but in practice, it mostly involved spotlighting how obsessed with her new, milk-filled breasts she became:
She doesn't want this:
But how is that even possible when she's grabbin' and flappin' 'em constantly? I doubt I would have even noticed her new endowment much (you'll be shocked to hear that I often forget to look) were she not frequently making us aware of it. This is, like, Russ Meyer levels of fixation, and it's just perfect that her object of fixation is herself. Celebrities! They always come through.
Anyway, instead of doing a video cut-up that would probably just get taken down from YouTube (Oprah is vigilant!), I thought I'd provide a blow-by-blow of my favorite moments. This will provide you gifs to use in your travels. You never know when you'll be at an abandoned rest stop and need a moving image of Rene Angelil creepily resting his hand on Céline's giant pregnant belly to get you out of a jam.
"We're not quite sure what the future reserves for us. But I hope to come back." "Reserves?" LOL, she's already being SO French-Canadian.
I saw this on Michelle Collins' Twitter earlier this year and I'm still not over it. Best visual pun in the history of advertising?
I bet she walked around doing that constantly, even when not in the presence of cameras. Also, I covet her water slide.
Céline: "It's not hard to have babies, it's a miracle, so..." I'm assuming she got a C-section?
On pressure to return for another Vegas show: "The contract? I'm sorry. It's not a competition here. OK? It's not. I appreciate your job very much, but right now, I'm not an artist, so I don't want to hear about that. First of all, I'm trying to get pregnant. I can't feel stress and when we were pregnant, I don't want to hear it."
Haha, this is amazing. She has this reputation of always being so nice and sweet, but she'd have to be a diva, obviously, per her job description. The layers peel back!
This is just beyond creepy to me. You know that Itchy and Scratchy where Itchy extends Scratchy's belly and fools him into thinking it's a cut of meat so that he cuts into himself and then the bits of his belly that he eats come out in the hole he just cut? This looks like a precursor to something similar.
This rambling starts, "It's tough for him..." and ends with, "Poor him." What's in between, though, is anyone's guess.
Renee: "For the first time since I've known Céline, and I've known her when she was 12-years-old..."
It doesn't even matter what else he says because OH YEAH, THEY MET WHEN SHE WAS WAY UNDERAGE AND THEN ENDED UP GETTING MARRIED. I mean, whatever works, but if I were them, I would have stopped broadcasting that years ago. Waaaay creepier than the way he regards her belly.
So far, the new show's setlist includes remakes of Journey's "Open Arms," and Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" and "Ben." You have to invite the rat to clean up all the cheese, see.
"I feel like dreamin' not singin', where's the coffee?"
There's something very Corky St. Clair about this quote. There's no swimmin' in her show, either.
"I'm pumping my milk, believe it or not."
I'm glad that believing it is an option because I do.
She has the power to make even infants go, "Lady, what the fuck?"
"You don't wanna bow, and feel that one is saying thank you on the right, and the other one is saying thank you on the left."
See the breast gif wall above for more information.
"It's like my new diaper bag."
She says this of a gift from Donatella Versace. I'm sure she was thrilled to hear that.
Not even a mother's love or Céline's pristine voice? I don't believe that she actually feels this way.
What follows is a trilogy of awesomeness from Céline's first kid, Rene-Charles. (Or, as Céline calls him, "RC." You know, like the cola.)
Céline continues: "Your wedding day."
There's no real easy way to illustrate this, but as Céline babbles on and on, RC mocks her every movement behind her back. He's like her own private Internet! I know this may make him sound like a little asshole, but it's entirely endearing. I mean, can you imagine having a mom like Céline Dion, who's basically a crazy parent to the world? This kid is just making due.
Haaaa. It's so true.
Bonus RC awesomeness:
This is his response to Céline telling him he doesn't have to do homework. He really wants to do homework! He wants to make something out of his life as opposed to riding his mother's coattails. This kid is the best.
She's saying this in French. I don't think the baby speaks French.
Thousands greet Céline in Vegas, as she returns for the new show. "I feel wanted and loved and there's nothing better than that, actually," she tells the crowd. Nothing, except, of course that sleeve.
I saw this and knew I had to write this post.
"Me, I usually don't have breasts."
Still on the breasts. Seriously.
This is a sigh of relief at the twins' baptism. What did she think was going to happen? Exorcism?
Her new show includes a duet with herself! Unfortunately, at no point does she fondle the hologram's boobs.
She did not like the idea of duetting with herself at first, though! She agreed to do it when she was told she could make fun of herself. Here's her version of making fun of herself:
Live Céline: It was great singing with you tonight.
Taped Céline: Then come back tomorrow. I'm here every night.
Except, that doesn't make sense because taped Céline really is there every night, and live Céline duets with her every night. So yeah. Right. Céline follows this by telling the audience, "I don't know how he lives with her." Women! Can't live with 'em, can't be 'em. Or something.
"It's tough to live with me. I'm not easy. I'm not easy. I'm not easy because I'm intense in my life with him. I'm intense with my children. I'm very intense on stage with my work. I'm disciplined and I'm intense in everything that I decide to do. That I engage myself to do."
People feared that "The Reason" was "too rock" for this audience. A Céline Dion song "too rock." That is like not serving pudding out of fear of its sharp edges.
Here's how people look at her when she sings the melodramatic French ballad "Ne me quitte pas." She seems shocked when she reveals, "And they all stay." Like they could even make it out of there during the time it takes for her to sing that song. Hers is a rock-fearing, pudding-hating crowd.
Céline pronounces "obese" like "obeys." Just FYI!
This is the best picture:
Sorry, this is the best picture:
Céline's Cher impression, for your consideration.
"You know, Céline is a clown," says Renee, which seems like a wonderful place to stop, except...
Céline: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, so am I ready to be pregnant in Vegas and perform? Who knows? Stay tuned."
I wanted to see the show anyway, but the prospect of watching her perform while pregnant is too good to be true. Fuck a sleeve, there's nothing more beautiful than that. Guarantee it.