I spent much of today at the DMV in Midtown Manhattan, so please excuse me if my game is off. I no longer have a soul OR a valid photo ID (until mine arrives in the mail in two weeks, which should make flying a lot of fun!).
Also? My soul died a little when the girls of ANTM were faced with a carousel and no one ate shit. I wanted a veritable human centipede up on this episode and all I got was...
...a few minor hobbles and stumbles. It's like 10,000 PG-13s when all you wanted was an unrated-instead-of-NC-17 bloodbath. Brutal irony.
...the year of La Toya continued barely by this highlight-free appearance on the show. Zzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe she was reverently edited. Maybe she was on downers. Maybe someone had a small cat behind the camera the entire time she was filming, threatening to fling it at her should she step out of line. I just don't know. The best thing that resulted from her presence was the reaction shots of the girls when they found out that she had determined the call-out order:
La Toya may be experiencing more mass-acceptance than ever before in her career, but just because we're acting culturally lobotomized, it doesn't mean we're actually lobotomized. I love La Toya to pieces and will read and ponder all of her books/rewritings of history, and I certainly would not want my fate in her hands. I wouldn't want my dog's leash in her hands, and I don't even have a dog.
I mean, yeah, she came, she saw, she giggled, but that's nothing new. I suppose this quote was OK: "I have to tell you that my brother was about love, expression, about giving. What I saw in the photo shoot is that you girls all gave. You gave your love, you gave your expression, so because of that, I'm not sending anyone home. You're all safe." You know, "You gave your expression," is a fantastically empty way to compliment someone and she says it with enough conviction so that compassion turns to camp as soon as it hits the air. But that is it. Hugely disappointing week, this was.
Thank god we have Bianca to hold us down.
It is a great tradition of reality TV out-assholing that Bianca upholds, and she does the legacy proud. What started as a confrontation over phone-time calculation ended up as an episode-long tantrum. Should Shannon have cried when it was suggested that she isn't the human calculator that she had counted on being? No. Should Bianca's reaction to Shannon's overreaction have been, "You can't cry when I'm talking to you 'cause I'm already the villain on television"? Hell no! It's awfully villainous to see a girl crying and immediately think, "How does this affect my image? What reflection will this have on my brand and my method of eating hot dogs in public?" If you want us to believe that you are a lady with compassion, try wearing white gloves and furrowing your brown while clucking your tongue good-naturedly. Shit, laugh lightly if you must. But don't try to convince us with your words that you're a good guy when you go on to sentence Lisa to more Celebrity Rehab and ridicule Shannon for being a Christian. Yes, I loved Bianca's frequent use of the phrase "crying Christian" and I hope she never stops using it, but I'm not claiming to be a good guy! I know it's wrong and I embrace it! I just wish that Bianca would do more of that -- we know she's a bitch! She told us she was a fun bitch (as opposed to being a bitchy bitch) when we first met her all those years ago and I accepted those words and took them to heart! She's a model! She's got the wrong DNA if she's applying for sainthood.
And also, she's wrong. Lisa doesn't think she's sheriff of Top Modelland. Lisa thinks she's Mayor McCheese (she's still wrong, though).
Or maybe Lisa thinks she's a pedicab.
Playing the victim is the worst look for Bianca. I'm accepting it now because it brought some drama, but I'm counting on it growing tiresome. "I'm just thinking everything I have on the line, everything that people have said about me and it zones into Michael Jackson's character perfectly." So wait, people have been spreading rumors that Bianca touches little boys?
She got her stilts all twisted when Shannon said, "Rejected," after she literally rejected Lisa's plea for a high-five. Shannon didn't even read her because let's face it, Shannon's illiterate. At least, socially. Shannon merely reported what happened and Bianca's reaction was, "Her soul is ugly." No wonder why they're forming a coalition against her. I don't expect they'll have any problems achieving nonprofit status.
By the way, I would give Bianca the distinction of Blowjobface of the Cycle for the disheveled still shot above...
...but that honor must go to Jay...
...for sheer repetition alone. This is also the Tyraface of the Cycle. Sorry Tyra, student's beating master. Get to scowling or get off my screen.
And speaking of gestures that you can read as obscene without even squinting your eyes, SitarHero on Twitter alerted me to the fact that Alexandria could be seen wielding the shocker during her photo shoot:
And then, when she found out no one was going to be eliminated this week, Lisa called Cycle 17 "the ultimate shocker season, ever." Lisa is wise beyond...well, her wisdom matches her years, I guess.
It seems like a good time to count the crying, since we've already run through all that triggered it this week:
10. Crying Christian Shannon
My favorite thing about Bianca referring to Shannon as "crying Christian" and then just "the Christian" is that implies that the rest of the girls are not Christian, which makes me wonder then what they are. This whole show seems to be based on pagan rituals, so I guess only the truly devout can hold onto Christianity they bring into the house, anyway.
11. Crying Heathen Bianca
12. Crying Wiccan Bianca
13. Crying Wheat Thin Shannon
14. Crying 716 Citizen Angelea
15. Crying Former Employee of a Financial Institution Angelea
16. Crying Martian La Toya Jackson
At least, I think she's crying. She's crying to the best of her tear ducts' ability, and damn it, that's good enough for me.
Poor showing for Angelea this week, huh? I love that they used a clip of her saying, "I wasn't a total mess!" twice upon reflection of her performance on the runway. That is a a perfect catchphrase for her. Or most of these girls, for the matter. Think small, y'all.
I'm going to start to call Bre "Chiklis" because she is the shield:
Woman, step out of the way and let the drama unfold. This cycle needs it.
More of this, please!
And here's what I think about that photo shoot:
I love that they're now qualifying their bizarro ideas: "[This week's photographer] actually did this amazing pictorial based on Michael Jackson, and it appeared in Italian Vanity Fair!" (And about the runway show: "This was done in Paris for Chanel!") It's as if to say, "We didn't make up this shit. Fashion did." Way to skirt accountability and legitimize your circus in one motion, ANTM. It's almost impressive.
When blackface is burnt-siennaface does it cease being offensive? What they should have done is just arranged the girls through the eras so that the darker girls represented MJ in his youth, and the white girls represented the later years. Laura knows what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I guess this arbitrary skin-coloring is offensive? I don't even know anymore. I'm not really bothered, but I'm sure some people are and I'm not bothered by their being bothered either? Let's just all agree to disagree and be outraged and/or supportive of that outrage.
Michael Jackson never danced like that. I'd venture a guess that Lisa's been told that she's funny one too many times, except who would ever think that she's funny?
Allison with this afro wig on looks exactly like a composite of Miranda July and Kristen Wiig's Gilly character. Call her Miranda Gilly, except don't because Allison is infinitely more delightful than the two combined.
I'd rather not watch someone avoid drama, but if I must, I want it to look exactly like that.
Also, if I have to watch people get excited about clothing from Sears, I want it to look exactly like this:
I've been wondering exactly what to say about the Kardashians since they showed up on my screen last night.
But you know what? Nothing says it better than the truth: They designed a line of clothing for Sears. And then they showed up on TV wearing clothing from Sears. That is hilarious. The Kardashians get clothes from Sears and we're supposed to think that's cool because they did it! If their Kollection looks half as flattering on the average girl than it does Khloe, sign me up for one of each outfit and a pimp because I might as well profit from the ensuing hotness. Jesus Christ, you'd think that eleventy seasons of a show that portrays you sitting around and doing nothing would at least offer a shred of self-awareness, or just a sense of direction away from what not to wear.
I think Lisa's pants are made of shower cap.
I think J got hit in the head with his hair a few too many times.
And speaking of him:
This is his draggiest look ever. "Fishing is one of my, of course, one of my favorite pastimes," he said. Maybe he's kidding. Maybe he's serious. Maybe someone cares to ponder that longer than I do because my thoughts on it are ending with this sentence.
There's no such thing as a signature leap, and if there were this wouldn't be it.
ALT continues to own with his insults (on Lisa's look at panel)...
...and facial expressions...
Nigel and Tyra give conflicting advice that bespeaks emotional instability (Nigel: "I don't see Bre. I see Michael Jackson. So for me, I look at this and it makes me feel nervous."; Tyra, meanwhile, praised Laura for delivering the Michael Jackson she grew up with. SO WHICH IS THE IDEAL?).
Laura's was the top picture this week:
It is great if you enjoy Andie MacDowell and curtain cord.
Bre delivered the actual best picture:
Angelea is lopsided:
Dominique seems to be doing a reverse "Smooth Criminal":
(And about as well as this guy from the VMAs tribute performance the year of MJ's death.)
And Lisa still delivers the best interviews:
That is all. What more do you need? Have fun wearing your Sears, you crying Christians!