I just blew my own mind when I thought about the fact that Alexandria's prescience alone should have kept her around (if nothing else, as a freak who still deserves watching!), except what she was being prescient about by making a song called, "Go Go Go," was that she would be going this week, and had she not gone, she wouldn't have been prescient. This is like one of those Zen riddles like how many babies can you fit into a tire or how much non-singing can you fit into 42 minutes or how many songs you can destroy with something as dumb as "pot ledom."
Right, pot ledom, or humiliation spelled frontwards. This whole week was so bizarre. Having non-singers sing is my favorite type of reality show challenge, because it yields such outsidery, Shaggs-y results. It's basically an ESL sensibility set to music and I love ESL sensibilities! Imagine my surprise then, when everyone's song was passable with reliably catchy melodies (I sang each one in my head until the next one was presented and took over the limited brain space I have). Clearly, they were helped out massively by Auto-tune (check out Laura's unpolished regular singing voice versus her finished song). But it wasn't just pitch correction that came to their aid -- hat songwriter guest was so nurturing and lovely to the girls, weirdly enough! There is just no way that these people are unfailingly capable of fitting their own words into such hooky tunes. I watched Rock of Love closely, I know how this stuff works.
And so because of the outside help, the challenge ended up being pretty boring. Like, I have little to say about the songs themselves except, "Nice job, everybody, I guess, averting utter embarrassment. Whatever." I assume that producers sensed that, figured they needed something to shake this thing up and make it outlandish and so they decided to make all the girls say, "Top ledom is Top Model spelled backwards," at some point in songs that they'd already written that largely would not allow that. That's just cruel, you know? "Do this, but no now do it differently to accommodate an 11th hour change that's been developed mostly to humiliate you." "Top ledom" is a challenge in the same way that enduring someone else's fart in a closed room is a challenge, and we all know that Tyra has wicked IBS.
Alexandria said it weirdest:
I would call her singing a joke, except it sounded more like a punch line.
Such a promising start, too, as Jay was basically like, "Aspire to Rebecca Black-level success!"
Because a laughingstock is still getting attention, right? Because making a viral video is something you can just do at will. Like some kid who's been told she's cute about 500,000 times too many, who went viral in the Tyra Mail, right?
I'm so fucking bored with Internet sensations. If pop culture is largely shit, Internet sensations are flies on dung. If pop culture isn't largely shit, Internet sensations are flies on dung. It's just so often like, "Let me take my non-talent and beat it into the ground for the sake of approval, because I am at leas an emotional child, if not an actual child, and I'm enjoying the arrested development the world has foisted upon me." And the reason for liking it is rarely more than, "Caulse its goood!! LOL!" At least reality stars have a finite end (although I guess this is less true if there is potential for all-stars seasons or in the case of, like, Jacinda).
And while it's nice that as a society, we've decided to be kind to Keenan Cahill, when so many other people with conditions that make them outwardly different are thrown away in all sorts of manners by the world on a daily basis, I'm bored with him, too.
He's not even interested in performing his non-talent anymore. Wasn't the point initially that he lip-synched relatively well and had a sense of rhythm? Now he just mouths gibberish. (Actually looking back on it, it was always gibberish.) Granted, even if he were lip synching perfectly, he would still be mouthing gibberish anyway (these are lyrics written by ANTM contestants, after all). But who died and made him Perez Hilton? Not Perez Hilton, I can assure you! Why is Keenan Cahill the go-to Internet person trotted out to prove…whatever about the Internet? (That it's popular? That laughing at and with sometimes occur in the same breath?) Why's he the one who gets to pose with Tyra Banks as she twists her mouth into an underbite? I WANT TO POSE WITH TYRA BANKS AS SHE TWISTS HER MOUTH INTO AN UNDERBITE!!!
Just kidding. I never want to be in the same room as her.
But regarding that point, good thing she swooped in to add her own singular brand of hilarity to the girls' videos.
Also: Who cares, it's just a show, right?
She is acting how I imagine Stevie Nicks would have acted when her assistant (or whomever) blew cocaine up her asshole, if that cocaine were replaced by Pixy Stix. Or maybe this is what happens when you mainline Lisa Frank?
Or actually, it's just what boys to do you when you think about them. For real, I could relate to Angelea's reaction to Game.
At almost 33-years-old (Wednesday, send cash/something off my Amazon wishlist!), this is exactly what my insides do every time I see a hot guy. Or even a reasonably attractive one. (Honestly, I don't even require a full set of teeth.) I hope to be this boy crazy forever or at least until it's totally pathetic. It's not totally pathetic yet, right?
That said, Game isn't exactly swoon-worthy. This gif sums up both his appearance and how I feel about it:
So weird, his participation on this show -- given his history of homophobia (which has been at times playfully and curiously stated to the point of almost being benign, it's still detrimentally ignorant) and the state of his album sales, is having to rub elbows with fashion queens kind of like being socially obligated and sexually frustrated into having gay sex in prison? In both cases, you're slumming it, desperate for anyone who'll take (or give!) your shit. That is, unless it turns out that you actually enjoy having gay sex. How mind-blowing that must be!
Also, who's the new muscle queen on set? My insides are Angeleaing with Lisa Frank's euphoria! I wanna rub more than elbows with him. Way more. I think. Based on, you know, seeing him rendered flat and measuring now just a few centimeters.
Anyway, with all of the above said about Game, I found him endearing?
I loved that he looooved Allison. I loved that he has to touch Nigel to tell Allison that she was the "most weirdly beautiful" person he'd ever seen. And then Nigel claimed that Game liked Allison because he has an interesting back story, just like him. I think Game liked her because he had an interesting boner.
His relating to her over death of loved ones? Adorable. He went the extra mile and was way into this:
Throughout Game's time on ANTM, "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here" from Annie was playing in his head on a loop.
Lisa, by the way, I fear will never be more than a novelty act -- she's just too goofy in song to transcend the anything-for-a-laugh aesthetic of reality TV. I don't know, maybe that makes her perfect for the Internet, and I guess going viral was what this episode was all about, but I thought she was interested in more than that (and by the way, I don't see these "viral" videos blowing up the Internet -- I think I may be the first person of all of the online land to embed one.)
Lisa seems condemned to a professional life of being always the pit, never the Peaches.
Whatever, though, she continues to deal with it and implores you to do the same:
And no matter what, at least she wasn't churning out what sounded like Jessica Simpson's too-chaste-to-be-sloppy seconds like, ahem:
...From the pages of her favorite hyemnal, undoubtedly.
What else? Allison's eyes don't smile but sing. She sizes.
Now, how about some crying?
Really, my "pot ledom" objection comes mostly from the fact that she poured her heart out (obliquely, but still!) and then this twist took a dump on it.
And this next one doesn't count because she wasn't crying, but it is a concrete way of conveying the abstract notion of disgust, and thus is worth sharing:
"You weren't exaggerating your mouth enough. So remember, like, sing it out loud, 'Stop and stare...'
...Do that but keep the face pretty. Don't go like this, like I just did."
So in other words: Do as I say, not as I do, even though I just illustrated that what I say is impossible to actually do.
Sounds right to me!
"Now people are hearing music with their eyes."
Right. Indeed. And so, this is what Gwar sounds like:
Tyra should see if she can replace Flattus Maximus (R.I.P.!). I think it'd be a great fit.