"I want my life to be an example that you can still achieve your dreams even if you keep your standards high," said Shannon. That she claimed this via the platform of America's Next Top Model immediately betrayed her claims of high standards.
Seriously, that is not unlike ALT saying (albeit jokingly, in response to cultural Greek plate smashing), "How absolutely gauche is that?" Very, if it's on this show. He followed up with, "I'm so sorry for such gauche behavior." If you start apologizing now, you'll never stop.
But anyway, to return to the detrimentally non-gauche Shannon, what is there left to say about her refusal to wear underwear in photo shoots that wasn't already said in response to Episode 1, when she first introduced the idea that what mattered most about skimpy bottoms was not their skimpiness but what they were called? Granny panties were a no-no for a bastion of morality such as herself, simply because they are panties, but lip-revealing bathing suit bottoms? Perfectly acceptable. (Congratulations to the entire judging panel for finally getting around to calling this an argument of semantics. It took nine episodes, but better late than never!)
For all of her purported morality, Shannon broke a giant rule in my book of ethics: She was boring. "I don't do underwear," was not just her motto, it was a refrain. Out of context, it sounds like she's just letting her hoo-ha breathe; in context it's all really, really stuffy. Besides, who wants a brand that doesn't wear underwear? That sounds prone to yeast. What is her brand, Wonder Bread?
And I know that Shannon's "explanation" of her no-underwear policy was heavily edited for maximum incoherence, but it was clearly halting nonetheless. And that's nonsense. This is her platform, nay fixation, and she can't rattle off some bullshit elaboration on command? What else did she have to do in the ANTM house except for practice her excuses? It's not like her time was taken by practicing her booty tooch.
Also, didn't she say something about thousands of girls writing her emails to say she's their hero/role model and her brand-minded decision was to honor her responsibility toward them? (I could be making this up, and I definitely can't be bothered to fact check fucking Shannon's words.) So she was on this show for the sake of altruism? What is she, here to make friends? Yeah right. A favor for the fans is a favor for oneself (since the fans are keeping you in business) and I'm not fully convinced that Shannon actually has fans in the first place.
Whatever! Bye! Have fun with your underwear worn as underwear! Let's get to what's really important:
This is my favorite thing that happened on this show since, "Bitch, I worked at a bank." This week, it was more, "Bitch, I worked at a Chop't." In a Larry Flynt-esque woman-as-food exercise in objectification, the women were asked to pose in a salad bowls on a bed of lettuce and tomato and feta cheese (that hopefully wouldn't be placed between one's leg, as I guess it would primarily signal infection).That Laura so gleefully poured oil all over herself is the equivalent of a cartoon character who starts getting cooked, but thinks he's just in the bath and starts basting himself even though you don't baste yourself in the bath. (You know what I'm referring to, right? Bugs Bunny or some shit? Again, can't be bothered to fact-check.)
What's funnier is how Shannon's underwear shenanigans precluded her from participating in this shoot, and thus ended up turning her into the smartest-looking one of the whole bunch for effectively refusing to put herself at the level of croutons.
If "Werk. Your. Salad!" doesn't become the new booty tooch, this show has completely lost touch with itself.
Jesus, is Lorenzo Lamas now working the cameras? The suggestion that Angelea's possible flaw (that just could have resulted form her twisted up position) struck me as particularly cruel. Saddle-bag closeups are the new pot ledom. I gif'ed it, not to revel in meanness but to expose it, by the way.
I'm passing the 10-minute mark of staring at this and trying to figure out what I can say to enhance a picture of a woman posing seriously and provocatively amongst roughage. Nothing. Nothing can enhance this, not because it's the funniest thing ever (far from it) but because it is intentionally funny, period. I rarely write about straightforward comedy and I never recap it (what is there to say but "Ha!"?). And if there were ever example of a visual joke-punchline, surely this is it. Bravo, show! You trumped me. Next cycle should be the laugh-track cycle.
"Since I have vampire vision, and I'm not meant to be in the daylight, I literally can't open my eyes," Allison explained rationally, which is to say insanely. Because we were clearly meant to hear this and go, "Oh yes, right. Vampire vision. Of course, the poor thing must be in so much pain. And with her eyes tricking her into thinking that Kristen Stewart's miserable ass is so appealing that you'll fight werewolves for her, how does Allison even get any modeling done?"
"It kind of feels like you're stepping into someone's...organs," is how Allison described the salad posing, seemingly switching from a vampire sensibility to a zombie one. She's just hitting all the cultural zeitgeists, huh? Is her final runway show going to be in a dress that looks like it's on fire?
Speaking of final runway dresses, meet their designer:
Hoo hoo! I love smallish, terse, androgynous people such as Michael Cinco! I don't know why, I think it's just out of principle. Cinco looks like he keeps magic in his pocket, and he could also fit in yours. He's amazing. I loved that when Shannon suggested "sexy yet conservative" for her final gown that now never will get made, he said flatly, "I get it." He knew she wouldn't be around longer, probably partially because it was obvious and partially because he has special powers. Also, Dominique wants gems hanging down from her crotch in reference to being told she looks like a man? That's oddly gracious about what were meant to be insults! I hope she one day becomes famous enough to helm a line of strap-ons. She'll laugh all the way to the sex shop.
Really looking forward to Laura's dress of calves and wheat. I assume it's just going to be a giant sesame seed bun in which she'll be the Lauraburger.
Elsewhere, the whole, "Speak Greek with dignitaries upon arriving to Greece" exercise was yet another set-up for these women to fail, but boy was it portrayed mildly. The biggest offense?
"I wanna see Mount Olympus! Somebody take me to Mount Olympus!" was all good, though. As long as one's desperation doesn't refer to pee (or, let's face it, probably poop because you know Angelea would have no shame in mentioning to anyone, regardless of stature, her need to move her bowels), desperation is a beautiful, ringtone-able thing.
I really thought that this would signal dyslexia's revenge for Laura ("This is worse than a spellin' test!" she not so much fretted but gushed), except she was fine.
This girl is so full of good nature and love and blind enthusiasm that she's basically a fashion puppy. Laura IS Wilfred. I will not be surprised if before the end of the cycle, she ends up sniffing out and stealing the sausages that Tyra obviously keeps in her pockets.
You know, Laura's picture was bad per what this show demands of its contestants (whatever it is!) but perfect as a snapshot of a person sitting in a bowl of salad whose face reads, "I'm sittin'...in a bowl of...salad?" And look, if you have to be in a squishy, organ-y environment, might as well make the best of it and get sexy. This is a winner to me, actually.
Lisa's my hero for consistently refusing to take shit. Here was her reaction to Nikos Papadopoulos accusing her of having a computer in her mind, programming poses:
I know it's this show's job to both pretend like we don't and/or eliminate it so that we actually don't, but we all do have computers in our heads. They're Apple IIE's and they're all outfitted with Oregon Trail and Lisa's dot matrix printouts reign supreme.
Haha, caught you! Looks like someone won't be falling prey to Shannon-style stuffiness any time soon! Keep fannin' that fanny, girl!
Nigel looked so good this episode!
He looks years younger. I'm not sure if it's the lighting or the tan or some kind of osmosis that comes from rubbing elbows with Greek gods, but he hasn't looked this great in, like, 10 cycles. I'm so proud of him!
Finally, despite giving us the gem, "This could be Helen of Troy...in a Greek salad," ALT was visibly trudging it through this episode. He is so over it that he could barely contain his disgust:
I've never related to him more. He's my ANTM spirit animal.