fourfour

A damn good job in a Versace dress

To avoid the scorn of those who haven't yet watched ANTM yet, I'm putting my pre-recap, post-finale comments after the jump. (Was this shit fixed...like, more than usual?)

This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers

Instead of a pithy sentence or two in this space regarding this week's loss, I thought it more appropriate to create a video as a tribute to the woman who was the heart and soul of this cycle. I only hope that it's as cheesy as Dominique herself.

And that ends this cycle's Pretty Party. :(

ANTM addendum

So, I messed up, as a few have pointed out. Readers Amy Z., and Will A., both emailed me screen shots of instances of crying from the last ANTM episode that I missed -- silly of me to ever think an episode of ANTM could have aired without a single tear spilled. My DVD drive is actually down right now (a new one's coming tomorrow), so I can't take these myself right now. I'll just post the ones they sent me to update the Crying Count (sans commentary).

49. Whitney

50. Fatima

51. Dominique

I guess it's safe to say that Edna's Edibles is burning.

And seriously, did my sight just go out for a minute? I understand missing the first two, but Dom is CLEARLY crying. Here I thought that the show was changing, when really it's just that my eyes going senile.

There's a special bonus after the jump: for the first time in the history. Of. My. Recapping. Of. America's. Next. Top. Model., a contestant has contacted me!

Katarzynana, na na na na, hey hey hey...

Riddle me this:

Was Katarzyna so boring that the shot above serves as a visual metaphor for her ability to fade into whatever background she's given (even big, ugly, pink bed linen), OR, was she so boring that I kind of had to just take whatever half-assed concept I could dig out of my butt to serve as the intro to this recap?

Hmmmmm.

Frankenstein unbound

"I'm not a CoverGirl! I mean, that's not me," said Lauren on the eve of her dismissal.

I think the above shot is both case and point.

Jawline flatline

On her final episode, Stacy Ann didn't chomp her gum furiously or make dolphin sounds or exhibit any signs of undercover whoriness. It was as though she was already eliminated inside!

The weirdest thing she did was get all up on the confessional camera.

Perhaps she mistook it for a Breathalyzer after also mistaking Anyway for a Gobot (Anyway is soooo Scooter, no?). Perhaps she just wanted to scare the shit out of us (because for real, homegirl could be weird in the face). In fact, I think it must be the latter, and the gif below illustrates what you might see as you descend to hell, starting with Stacy Ann's close-up.

Perhaps we are already there. And that concludes this week's Pretty Party. 

Don't scream at me

I won't have this week's ANTM recap up till tomorrow. Sorry! It happens. In the meantime, here's a little something touching on the theme of this week's episode. And don't worry -- I'm not in it.

A clip show of my very own

For those who don't like the format, or can't view videos or are fucking sick of looking at my face: have no fear. Regular format will return next week. At least, that's the plan. I can never be too sure what I'm going to do in this space in the future, because I have to sorta play everything by ear and tailor the medium to the message. Plus, you know, I gotta keep things fun for myself. The greatest thing about change is its lack of permanence.

Belly flop

That's, like, tragically symbolic, no?

(Also: giving yourself whiplash? What kinda hillbilly shit is that?)

All Mormons go to heaven

That's not a freakin' angel.

That's a freakin' angel. Aimee, why is it that it's taken this long for us to see your best shot?

Giddy up!

In a way, Marvita had to go. That hair was becoming more unmanageable by the episode.

Potes called it, Marvita saw to it: that shit wasn't a horse mane, it was a mullet. And on someone as butch as Marvita, it made her look a mere spoke away from a Dykes on Bikes parade. I fear that in one more episode, she would have had that spoke.

Not that there's anything wrong with that! Here, girl: have the denim jacket and non-matching denim shirt you're crying out for:

Consider it a parting gift.

Happy Easter Monday!

Did you know that there's such a thing as Easter Monday? My sister was telling me about it this weekend -- people use the excuse of Easter to get out of responsibilities on the following Monday. Works for me! There's no recap today, as I was home this weekend overdosing on chocolate doing family stuff. It's inevitable as an expanding waistline, though. Look for it Tuesday.

Amis you much

I consider Amis' elimination a great loss.

You know?

Allison isn't very bright, 'cause she's...

...a model. Duh!

What you don't see in this picture is the cross Allison's racist ass unsucessfully tried to light and burn in the loft. Models! Is there anything they can do?

La da dee, la da dumb

In this episode, we receive a shock so immense, it couldn’t even fit in Tyra’s Spanx.

Kimberly...

...isn’t interested in...

...fashion! And, what's worse...

...she doesn’t want...

...to be on this show anymore!

If Paulina’s wrap dress opened to expose a penis, I wouldn’t be more surprised!

Oh, and as if that’s not enough, Atalya gets the boot, too. Since she had the personality of the crumpled up "snot nose rag" that Kim so resembled (I mean, really), this has no bearing on my existence. Well, it does mean that I’ll no longer be tempted to call her “Atalya Disco” (y'know, like "Italo disco") at every reference. In a weird way, I feel relieved.

"Can I call you a bitch?"

I don't know about y'all...

...but I take this as a sign. A sign of wonderment and blowjobfaces to come!

Yiiiiiiieeeeee!

It's that time again. God, it's always that time again! Not that I'm complaining or anything. Anyway, recaps, as usual, will be posted on Mondays. Except maybe not this Monday: I'm about to do some pretty intense traveling and I may get a late start. I'm going to do my best to get the recap up on time, but if I don't, know that it's on the way. Know that I wouldn't leave you hanging. I mean, how could I, what with this and all...

...y'know?

Curses! Foiled again!

By now, this is kinda old news, but I'm still getting email about it, sooo...

ANTM alumnae Danielle, Jaslene and Bianca all walked in last week's Project Runway finals.

See?

Blogging Project Runway's Laura K. pointed me to some hi-rez shots of the girls. View them here, here and here.

(Danielle at a different angle is here, too.)

I obviously was in no rush to put these up, but I finally relented. As one reader, Michelle K., put it: "It just goes to show - no matter how hard you try to fight it projrun will always haunt you!" So true! And that is why I frequently cry myself to sleep.

Thanks to everyone who sent these to me!

Cream of the Top

The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.

If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!

Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:

For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!

After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!

My preferred medium is prejudice

Ah, how I love these biannual opportunities to pass judgment on a bunch of insecure girls based on one picture, their names and loose associations from my childhood. Thank you, Internet, for being my never-ending outlet for catharsis.

My take on each girls in order from fuggest to...non-fuggest is after the jump.

Hey look, new models!

Just to save you on email postage costs:

ANTM Cycle 10 Girls

(Close-ups here.)

My take on them will arrive next week.

Thanks to O for the heads-up.

Next stop: Never Neverland

I think I speak for, oh, the entire viewing public when I say...

 

WORST FINAL 3 EVER!!!

Whatever, at least someone's excited.

Whoa. Saleisha's wall of spaz is literally nauseating. At least I know I'm still alive!

(Truthfully, I was kind of hoping that Chantal would win so that I could make a moving wall out of this image. Sadly, it was not meant to be.)

Saleish...eh, she'll do

I always figure that people will want to talk about the VERY important finale before Monday so...

I'm more happy about Chantal and Jenah losing than I am about Saleisha winning, but whatever. I can derive some satisfaction from the fact that I pretty much called this before the show even aired (true, I had pegged Sarah to take it all, but only because I was counting on the Year of the Kissed Fat Ass to be wrapped up nicely with a plus-sized winner. Damn logic!). However, also note that I expected Chantal to be eliminated first. So I'm half a terrible failure. Keeps me grounded!

Related: In a weird convergence of reality shows that used to be obsessed with and still am, a reader tells me that he's selling a few of the dresses that Project Runway 4's Raimi Kashou (who, I guess, is the straight one?) designed for the ANTM 4 group promo shot (remember that undersea thing with the girls in bubbles and shit?) on eBay. Check them out.

Biyanked away

Before she left, did Bianca have a stroke?

Or was she merely imitating Chantal?

In-n-out 'bergers

Heather wasn't like other girls...

...and that's what made her awesome.

I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but sometimes when, to put it Tyraly, "not the strongest communicators" experience hardship (at least, relative hardship), their resulting emotional eloquence is enough to knock you on your ass. Such is the way of Heather, who in her exit interview said, "Since I've been here, I've learned so much. I've learned to be more confident. I've learned to not always be so self-conscious, and that not everyone's going to judge you because you were born a certain way. I think that the experience is much more than a prize." First of all, every time I listen to her say, "born a certain way," I get a lump in my throat. Second of all, to emerge from a reality show knowing that it's all about the means, fuck the end, is so amazing. In reality TV, that is tantamount to possessing the secret of joy. And she didn't have to get female circumcised or anything!

I couldn't be prouder if I had assisted in her creation

Jade takes up Page 5 of the January issue of Vibe:

I'm so happy for her that I'm willing to forgive the Sister Patterson hairline. Entirely! I don't know where Apple Bottoms fall on the cool scale, as my bottom is no apple and I am, you know, male, but I think that this has to be a positive thing for her. Yay, Happy Positive Jade Thing!

A few other ANTM-oriented things are after the jump. But first an update: What follows is a spoiler, according to many disgruntled people in the comments who, apparently, don't agree with the general truth that the Internet waits for no one. I consider reality show eliminations to be events, not plot points, per se, and I have no problem discussing them as they happen, without warning. I understand that TiVo has changed our viewing habits, but really, once something has happened, it's happened, and if you need to keep yourself pure, you should probably avoid places that could defile you. Like this blog.

I moved the additional items of this post to under the jump because I'm not a dick, and I don't want to spoil things for people. But if I already did earlier, you should be at least as mad at yourself for checking this blog as you are at me for revealing last night's eliminated contestant.

Not that this is a big deal or anything, but damn.

A hole in my heart that goes all the way to China

I'll miss Lisa for many reasons, but here's the main one:

Any girl who's going to run around with a stain on her shirt is clearly an asset to this show. The reason for the stain was never explained, but I like to think it was drool. 

Lions and Tyra and...shower scenes

So Ambreal didn't listen to her dad...

...but she did prove herself to be one hell of a good sport...

...who really knows how to make an exit...

...I might not want her up in my magazines, but you can be sure as Chigurh that I'd invite her to a cocktail party. Awesome that I started loving Ambreal 30 seconds before she disappeared from my life forever!

But enough about her. There are more pressing matters to attend to.

Hottest. Model. Ever.   

Fat chance

I mean, seriously, putting the big girl in netting? I love how this outfit shows signs of stretching over Sarah's problem areas, giant O's, as if the outfit itself is bitchily saying, "Oh, woooooow!"

I'll get this out now and speak no more of it: I'm not mad at Tyra & Co., for eliminating Sarah, per se. The not-plus-enough argument actually seems plausible. But maybe that's because I've heard it so damn much: during this cycle's first episode, Tyra herself laid out what would come to be Sarah's curse (and twice!): "Looking at your body, I see a girl that could be a plus-size model, but is on the thinner side of that,: and, "I'm just a little concerned that she's a little small for plus." It was there all along, and Sarah didn't have to click her (undoubtedly slightly wide) shoes or anything. They really toyed with her, but because of the blatant foreshadowing, I should have seen this coming. Mostly, I'm mad at myself.

Clips of...clips

Despite what she says, Tyra Banks is not Jesus Christ

If this picture is crappy...

...it's only appropriate. Ebony was sick of smelling Tyra's bullshit and it showed on her face. Uncensored honesty -- how refreshing. This photo is like the visual equivalent of a Glade Plug-In.

Whoregoyles

Beautiful regalness

Something bad happened, and I don't have a recap for today. Explanation and a meager replacement offering are in the video:

(Download)

Stuff

I'm sure by now you've seen the video for ANTM 5 contestant Lisa D'Amato's song ("song") "Ace of Spades." It's part-fun, part-offensive in a lame-white-person-does-hip-hop kinda way (offensive not because of race matters but because it takes our collective sense of humor to be outdated. Like, we're still expected to laugh at that? Didn't that joke get old with "I'm Barney Rubble and I'm here to say / I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way..."?) and utterly insistent. Seriously, "Standing here with no fear," had been buzzing around my head like flies to a dirty diaper all week. Anyway, if you missed it here it is:

The reason I'm sure by now you've seen this is most likely you've sent me an email with the link to this that starts, "I'm sure by now you've seen this..." Thank you, all 500,000 of you! But for real: I appreciate such heads-ups.

And here's some more random stuff:

- Since, not unlike ANTM's Heather, I'm on a delay (incidentally, I'm also not unlike Rock of Love's Heather in that I like to pull my tits out at will), I'm just now getting to spreading the word that  I took part in the Rockcritics Music Blogger Symposium that was posted last week. My homegirl Maura (of Idolator and herself), the illustrious Simon Reynolds, David Moore, Carl Wilson and I all answered questions about the state of the music blogosphere, if you will. I think I'm probably the least academic out of all of them, and I'm OK with that. Anyway, it's long but interesting especially if you like reading the word "blog" repeatedly.

- Here's my favorite paragraph of the week: "When it comes to free speech, we need to let a hundred flowers bloom. We need to chill. We need to stop being pussies." It's from Kurt Anderson's latest Imperial City column in New York. Those three sentences basically contain the point of my post-Imus rant from April, just, you know, succinctly.

- [Jaslene voice] This is my life... [/jv]

- I'm feeling the fuck of this song right now (and most of new Róisín Murphy album, for that matter). Also seriously obsessed with the Aeroplane Remix of Coyote's "Too Hard". That I'm completely digging a neo-disco track that veers so closely to MOR lite rock can only mean one thing: I'm getting old.

- I want to have two-minute monkey sex with Prince Harry's vodka-snorting partner.

Swoon. Seriously.

- Conversely, I do not want to have two-minute monkey sex with ANTM 8's Jael, who was spotted at this year's Burning Man Festival by John F., the boyfriend of the absolutely amazing April Winchell. He snapped pictures for me and all of you below. Enlarge with caution -- she's naked. And hula-hooping. And wearing Ugg boots. But then again: of course she is.

Ears without a face

Tyra repeatedly complimented Kimberly's ears, saying that they were "one of my favorite parts of you" (even though there are, like, two of them) and "some of the most perfect ears for a frame of a face that I have ever seen." There are two things to learn from this. 1) Like Iggy Pop, Tyra Banks has probably had it in the ear before (and loved it!), and 2) Tyra Banks is extremely observant.

See? Without her ears showing Kimberly is nothing! Nothing!   

Mila monster

Upon releasing Mila, Tyra realized that what she was doing was, in fact, a lot like releasing the hounds.

Except, there was only one.

I love this shot because it was a split-second crack in the facade of a perpetual optimist. She's eliminated and she has to endure Ebony's pawing? Why not glue some giant sequins on her face and tell her she's a fish to create the most unfortunate send-off ever in Top. Model. History?

Also, during her exit interview, Mila said, "I think if you concentrate on the positive, the negative things go away." And yet, someone so upbeat is the thing that's going away at this moment.

Busted-up, broke-down models

(Image courtesey Jonno and his Flickr.)

So, I have to admit that I was dreading this. The past four months have been blissfully recap-free in these parts, and the vacation of sorts more than made up for the hit my traffic took as a result. I worried about getting back into these recaps -- had I lost my touch? Did I even have anything to say about this show anymore? Was I still willing devote all the time that these recaps recaps?

I still wasn't sure as I watched the opening of the admittedly awesome Cycle 9 premiere of ANTM on Wednesday. And then, my destiny became clear. There was no turning back. See, just a few minutes in, there it was, smiling at me:

Ah. This image is so comforting, it's as though I'm reentering the womb...through Tyra's arm.

It feels so good to be back.

In case you need reminding...

...ANTM recaps will be up on Mondays. Duh.

If you wanna be rude about it, we can be rude about it, Cracker Wack. If you don't get that stank look off your face, I'll wipe it off with my secret weapon. Its name is Tuesday.

Bitch, don't tempt me.

(But really: how great was that episode? And it was just a stupid semi-finals show. If I don't see this show for a while, I forget just how deep my love is for it. ANTM is like the televised equivalent of my grandma.)

Waiting for tonight

To get you ready for tonight's cycle premiere of ANTM, I've compiled a greatest-hits package of sorts after the jump: it's a big cluster of some of my favorite animated gifs I've made over the cycles. On my own and via some help (thanks to Erin and Caitlin), I've noticed a few sites have made big posts of gifs that I've taken and I have to say that a sea of mugging Tyras all on one page is pretty fucking hypnotizing. So, to reclaim what I've essentially taken from television, I thought I'd compile my own. Call it a wall of motion. Call it my art. Call it the extent of my accomplishment in my 28 years on earth.

Going over my files, I found the first Tyra gif I ever made in a folder simply titled "Tyra gif." To think that there was a day when there was just one!

And now, grabbing frames from DVD and threading them together is practically second nature to me. I've evolved so much as a person! Thank you, ANTM!

Keep in mind that there are tons of gifs below, so the page is going to take a while to load. Hit the jump an then go do something productive. I suggest flossing. Seriously, it's important and there's no worse smell on earth than plaque breath. You don't want people to think you have a rotting corpse in your mouth when you talk to them, do you?

Finally!

Sorry it took me so long to get to this (or anything else, really). It's just that I found it necessary to spend days (days!) pondering this promo shot...

...(click to enlarge slightly)...and trying to come up with something to say beyond the total obvious and mean designation of: PIGS IN SPACE. My conclusion? There's no other way to put it. Pigs in Space it is.

Save your emails!

New girls:

Individual shots here.

I'll probably weigh in on these, as I do, sometime next week. In the meantime, you don't have to notify me that they're up, via comments and emails. I already know. This should save you some typing. I'm just looking out for your finger joints.

Just cuz you might care

If my calculations (and by "calculations," I mean "archives") are correct, we still have about a month to wait before we even see the new ANTM girls. That's a depressing thought. Here's an even more depressing thought: I very well could be spending my life waiting around for the next cycle of America's Next Top Model to start. I'm not sure if that's the case, but it's more than a little possible.

Anyway, to pass the time, you can check out a few Polaroids Cycle 8's Brit-tit-tit-tit and Natasha took at Confessions of a Casting Director. Here are Brit's and here are Natasha's. And here are previews:

Brit's hair seems managed. She's come so far! Meanwhile, Natasha has never looked hotter. You know she has Tyra's sage advice to thank for that, too. I feel myself aroused. (Thanks to Annie and Pascale for the heads-up.)

Oh, and speaking of pictures and, uh, "realilty," I went to see Poison in New Jersey on Saturday. It was kind of awesome. But only kind of, for it was not the cultural experience I'd hoped for, at least as far as rubbing elbows with the audience was concerned. It was just kinda just...Jersey. Not hyper-mega-old-is-the-new New Jersey that it should have been. Anyway, I did take some shots of the more colorful fans I spotted -- they're up on the VH1 blog here. These women are my favorite:

They are so fucking full of joy and Poison, I can't stand it. With their big-ass margaritas and cigarettes and denim and that amazing shirt ("What happens in this shirt stays in this shirt"). I swear, I wanted to run up to them, embrace them and be like, "Are you my mommies?" I wonder her shirt refers to nursing at all? They had two guys with them who (politely) refused to be in the shot. The one's reason was that he had too many "identifying marks," whatever the fuck that means. "Plus, you don't want guys in the picture." Uh, actually...

And yes, I really do love these women (I mean, as much as I can, they're just my mommies and all) and I'm not just being smug and derisive and ironic, just like I really love that ventriloquist couple that I posted earlier this month. There are many kinds of love, people, and I have a big fucking heart. Give some credit.

ANTM: WATN? WTF?

We're around the midpoint between ANTM cycles and waaaaaah! I miss it. I've been following Canada's Next Top Model every week via torrents -- though I haven't been much inspired to blog about it, I really do love it. Go...uh...girl with the red hair and blunt cut whose name I can't remember and won't look up for fear of spoiling this week's episode for myself (I haven't watched it yet).

Anyway, Liz of Liz Is Working sent me an email titled, "Awesome ANTM involving hot dogs," that inspired this post. As much I was hoping that someone had cracked open Natasha's head so we could see her Oscar Mayers once and for all, I wasn't disappointed when that turned out to not be the case.

But first: some where are they now (or, if you like abbreviations, WATN) for background. It's hard out there for a former ANTM contestant, but I think it might be getting a bit easier. Cycle 5 Bre's in some commercial I haven't seen and Cycle 2's Mercedes is slangin' for Chili's. Jaslene is on the cover of Latina, which is a pretty fucking big deal.

(Source: topmodel LiveJournal)

I also read (probably on that LiveJournal, as well, so take it with a grain of salt even though it's often correct) that she's been tapped to be the face of Eve's Fetish label when it relaunches. Anyway, at the very, it would seem to counter the "ANTM winner's curse" shit people like to talk about.

Also, Cycle 7's Eugena has been working for South Pole for a while (she had a huge billboard up in Times Square earlier this year for months). She's in the latest Vibe posing with Mario:

I only wish that she were posing with Ne-Yo in some sort of ANTM-inspired celebrity-doppelganger setup.

Oh, and Mollie Sue shot a Diesel campaign...not that you can tell that it's her in the picture, or anything.

But of course, for every success (of a most likely temporary nature as this business moves fast!), there are about 5,000 signs of struggling from other girls on the show. Cycle 2's Shandi and Cycle 8's Kathleen resurfaced in this fredflare.com thingy looking like rat on ass and ass on rat, respectively.

(Thanks to karenzero for the heads-up.)

And then there was the shoot Cycle 1's Robin did, in which she posed in various churchy hats like the princess of the throne she is (she and Monique, alike):

Admit it: one look at these had you lustin'.

And who could forget Cycle 6 Joanie's turn as a wig model, the subject of many a chortle at the Television Without Pity forums:

Up till Liz's email, I thought that this was the worst post-ANTM, semi-public gig recorded. And then I saw a picture that Liz took at Coney Island on July 4...

CNTM: 24-Hour Pretty Party

Believe it or not, this batch of girls on the second cycle of Canada's Next Top Model marks a dramatic improvement over the batch of girls on the first. I don't know if that's joyous or depressing.

HasWeen, Will...Model?