fourfour

I just died a little.

Sniff, sniff.

I really think it's Clive's doing.

Worlds collide

Can you say "seismic?"

The Bobby Brown interview on Monday's The Tyra Banks Show was not nearly as disappointing as it could have been. And that's saying a lot, since my hopes live in the perpetually state of up! It gave Bobby the chance to put a name on secret of his and Whitney's "success" (it's "stickability," guys, which has nothing to do with how sexually desirable one is, as the name seems to indicate, but "something that is, you know, you gotta fight, you gotta fight hard and love hard"). Maybe more importantly, it gave Tyra the chance to do her best Whitney impression (decent, but needs more phlegm). Anyway, you can watch the whole thing (in not-so-perfectly synced pieces) via Fresh, or check below for the clips reel I assembled. Since Bobby's full of shit and Tyra's not the most informed person in the world, I thought it would be helpful to intercut the questions and answers with footage from Being Bobby Brown that sometimes underlines and sometimes refutes what's being said. Oh, and don't think I let Tyra off easy for praising Bobby's tooth gap.

Hypocrite!

Also of note:

The Browns (minus Bobbi Kris and Whit, of course) attended the taping:

And, yo, he's no Gary Houston, but Landon is looking exceedingly stickable lately, braces and all.

Love hard.

Whit's absence was made up for by this awesome vintage shot:

They are so alive with pleasure.

Bobby looked tired...

...but didn't act like it. He performed a medley of "Every Little Step," "Roni" and "My Prerogative." He is the king of R&B, you know (I bet Tyra was contractually obligated to call him that -- she did it twice). He was kinda shouty, but y'know, put his all in it. Watch below:

Be still my Roger-Rabbiting heart!

But maybe the best thing about the appearance was that it ultimately amounted as a promo stop the second round of Being Bobby Brown. Yeah, I had reservations about this, considering Whitney's alleged state, but shit, going through that old footage for the reel above was so much fun. I forgot how much I missed that shit. (And floating way over my head, once again, are those pesky hopes.) No idea when the next season's going to air, or what it's going to entail, but the sliver of a preview Tyra offered is below (note that the shots of Whitney are all from last season).

Also note that this will not be "season 2" but "cycle 2." That's right, Being Bobby Brown comes in cycles. All the best shows do.

Dear stars, dear trees, dear sky, dear Cascada

After viewing Bobbi "Nimpho" Kris' Myspace profile (via crunk and d) and that of her stepsister LaPrincia (also via Fresh), my heart is aglow. Both are using Cascada tracks as their profiles' songs (BK's is the exhilaratingly crappy single "Everytime We Touch," while LaPrincia goes with "How Do You Do").

It made my Monday to discover how happy-hardcore cheerleading garbage can keep sisters together, even if they're apart. Nothing but death, right?

(See even more Brown-related profiles at BEAUTIFULHUSTLE.COM.)

Exhale!

Relax, the universe won't be imploding any time soon. Bobby and Whitney are not getting divorced -- in a remarkably swift instance of damage control, he appeared on Wendy Williams' radio show on Wednesday and shot down the rumor that he and Whitney were splitting, just one day after it surfaced. And here I thought Bob's motor skills were permanently impaired.

This is the only celebrity union that matters: now the planned second season of Being Bobby Brown (premiere date as yet unknown, per the interview) can have all the batshit splendor it needs.

Posted below is the Wendy interview in its entirety (courtesy of the Whitney-Fan.com forum) -- be warned, though: Bobby's amicable. Unlike Whitney's infamous tangle with Wendy a few years back, there are no threats to meet Wendy outside for a rumble, no violent mood swings and no insane cackling. He doesn't even let any curses slip. When dealing with Wendy, he is everything his wife isn't. It's almost boring.

Bobby Brown on The Wendy Williams Experience, January 18, 2006

If you can't be bothered to listen/download, here are some highlights:

• Bobby took the short bus to school . . . on account of being bipolar (?)
• Bobby used to do heroin, but never shot it up.
• Wendy: Do you go to church? Bobby: I am a church.
• Bobby doesn't ever poke Whit in the butt: "That's not a place where something's supposed to go in." Yeah right.
• Bobby thinks this is his website.
• Whitney beat Bobby up in the wake of the Superhead allegations. Too bad the cameras weren't around. That woulda made for a very, very special episode of B³.
• Most of next season of B³ will follow his tour with New Edition, which kicks off the third week in March. Yeah, that sounds potentially boring.
• But this doesn't: "I want [Wendy] and Whitney to finally get together and have dinner, on Being Bobby Brown," says Bobby. What are the chances of a food fight?

On that upsetting picture published in the National Enquirer last week, Bobby had little to say -- he said something about Whit must have been walking the dog and denied that drugs had anything to do with her appearance. (An interesting footnote is Whitney's camp won't make a statement on the future of her marriage).

He might be right about it being no big deal, though -- while poking around for the audio of the interview, I came across this story: Basically, a few days ago, a fan with a record deal was recording in the same studio complex as Whit. He found her, and in her studio was a copy of that Enquirer issue, which she was laughing about with Jermaine Dupri and Terry Lewis (who are working with Whit on her new album). He had her autograph it for him, in possibly the best placement of a signature ever. Here it is:

Check it against her confirmed signature:

No smiley, but close. It really could be it.

If this story's real, if she has that kind of sense of humor and sense of self-awareness, she's more together than anyone, anyone thought. For the sake of our entertainment, I don't know if that's such a good thing.

(A lot of love goes to Erika C., who informed me of Bobby's appearance on the show.)

I'm dreaming of a Brown Christmas

Hey girl.

Oh, you got all dressed up for me?

A very strung-out Christmas

Hark! The crackhead angles sing!

Not a week ago, Fresh and I were lamenting the lack of Being Bobby Brown in our lives. "I really want a Christmas special," I said, knowing that it wouldn't happen. And then today, she messaged me with:

2:00 PM

Being Bobby Brown Christmas With The Browns (TV-14)

Yes, Rich, there is a Santa Claus. That's set to air Dec. 26. Weird, but y'know, so are the Houston-Browns so I figured whatever. But then tonight, I caught Bravo's incredibly vague commercial:

It's a Christmas miracle! I don't think I've been more excited about anything since . . . well, since the original series run.

I have no idea how this is going to go down, when it was taped, or how far gone we'll find Whitney. But I'm ready to love every second of it.

I'm going to buy some drugs and really get into the Christmas spirit. Won't you join me?

Added:

Here's some more info via the press release (thanks, Karly!):

BOBBY CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN WITH "BEING BOBBY BROWN: CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS"

Released by Bravo

BRAVO PUTS A HALF-HOUR SPECIAL EPISODE OF "BEING BOBBY BROWN" UNDER THE TREE ON DECEMBER 21 AT 11:00 PM ET/PT

NEW YORK -- December 14, 2005 -- Bravo's hit series "Being Bobby Brown" has kept fans buzzing and with the winter holiday season comes Christmas with the most talked about reality TV family. Bobby and family are in the holiday spirit and will stuff viewers' stockings with a half-hour dose of "Being Bobby Brown: Christmas with the Browns" premiering on Wednesday, December 21 at 11:00 PM ET/PT.

"Bravo couldn't let 2005 come to an end without indulging viewers with another helping of 'Being Bobby Brown'," Lauren Zalaznick, President of Bravo. "This holiday special will take a look at how this very public family spends their private holiday time together."

Bobby, Whitney and family are having a "holly jolly Christmas." Familiar faces from "Being Bobby Brown" return as the whole Brown clan make last minute preparations for their Christmas gathering, from trips to the grocery store, hours in the kitchen cooking the holiday spread, and trimming the tree with care. The half-hour special, "Being Bobby Brown: Christmas with the Browns" will invite viewers to join Bobby, family, friends, and special guests at their Atlanta holiday party.

I hope Whitney gets in a fight with the tree!

You know you miss them

I love The Boondocks so much, I kind of want to marry it and let it slap me around.

The greatest love of all

I know, I know. This shit ended two weeks ago and I'm still posting about it, like, everyday. Sorry. I'm having a hard time coping with loss. And, y'know, I wouldn't be saying anything if I didn't think it completely worthy.

Someone by the name of DJ Danny Shaffer sent me a video retrospective of B³ that blows everything I have said about the show and could possibly say upon reflection, out of the water. Watching this brought a tear to my shiny little eye. It's best that you see it before I say too much . . .

Video: "Love That Man (Private Eyez Dookie Bubble Video Mix)"

What I think is brilliant about this (besides the manipulation of the moving and still images to Peter Rauhofer's remix of Whit's best song in maybe five years) is how it totally gets the show's yin and yang of sweetness and absurdity. Dead-on, beautiful stuff. I love seeing the creativity this show inspires. Whit and Bob will live forever!

Old-school love, indeed.

They got that from 'No Fear!'

Damian Marley featuring Bobby Brown "Beautiful"

And here I thought he was just blowing smoke up my ass! Bobby's unshakable collaboration with the Marleys (seriously, whenever anyone says "beautiful," in any context, my immediate interruption is "here we go again, my love") actually sees the light of day, and it isn't even on some Marley Family Jamboree release or anything. It appears on Damian Marley's Welcome to Jamrock, out Tuesday, which is actually a decent record (due, in a big part, to the creepily dub-inflected single/title-track).

"Beautiful" itself is sorta dumb and irritating and super-reminiscent of more than just Janet and SWV. Whitney was right to have her reservations. Still, it's a start, right? And it's at least better than "Whatchulookinat."

And things continue to look up for Bobby, who was in a Boston court Wednesday over his unending child-support dispute with the mother of LaPrincia and Bobby Jr. It seems that Bobby's catching up on his payments.

Nice to see him growing up at 35. Maybe he'll be a fully fledged adult by the time that New Edition pension plan kicks in.

Whatever, I'm in love with him.

We'll always have Skenecia

Earlier this week, I had planned on one last end-of-B³ post, a Top 10 (or 20 or 50) greatest-moments thing. But, Jesus Christ, I'm tired. And so are you, probably: I don't want to hammer this shit in the ground, making something so great into something so irrelevant by constant repetition. Because I could go on. I could do deeper analysis. I could spotlight all the moments I've missed, or things that I've just realized (because every time I watch an episode, I find something new -- a mark of a piece of pop culture's cult capacity). I could get totally scary and do fanfic, rearranging the order of screenshots, treating Whit and Bob like action figures or pawns in my unending obsession with their lives.

But I won't. The show is too good for that. Besides, Bravo's constant airing of it means that last Thursday's episode wasn't goodbye -- it was just another "haaaaaaaaay." May there be a lifetime more.

Plus, I don't even think I need to recap my recaps -- scan this category and you'll find all the greatest moments you could ever want.

That said, let's look at Gary one mo' 'gin.

I do, though, want to offer some parting thoughts on something that will forever be near to my heart. First, I'm so happy that people shared in my love for this show. People are extremely quick to write off reality programming, as though it's inherently a lower form of television (itself a virtual synonym with "low art") than shitty sitcoms and arid one-hour dramas. Being Bobby Brown easily could have been as universally maligned as The Anna Nicole Show, and I'm happily surprised that it wasn't. I'm happy that people were willing to give Bobby and Whitney a chance, and discover that these people are rich in what makes up the very best television: quick-wittedness, inherent humor that doesn't even need to announce itself (take that, laugh track!) and an unending reservoir of pop-culture knowledge. Did you know that "Ride Like the Wind" is a Christopher Cross song? Whit did. Can you name what film the quote, "I'm an excellent driver," comes from? Bob can. Do you know the last name of Friday the 13th's Jason? Whit and Bob do.

Their brains are key to the show's infectiousness -- and that goes for both in front and behind the camera. Disco the Kid points out in his wonderfully specific ode to the show that because Bobby independently arranged for the filming before shopping it around to networks, "there are no truly candid moments. We are privy to only the behavior that the Brown family feels is acceptable." (It's important to note here that I'm not sure about the accuracy of DtK's claim that Bobby arranged for the editing as well -- in the first stages of the Bravo deal, it was not yet clear how much Whit would be in the show, which leads me to believe that it was only after the deal was signed that the raw footage started being sculpted -- I could be wrong about this, tho, and will gladly defer to anyone who can prove otherwise). Regardless, the show was set up as a press release to show the world that A) Bobby Brown (who? Oh, Whitney Houston's husband!) still exists and B) He still "works" (hence the endless footage of him in studios or talking about loving to perform, which ironically, was among the show's least entertaining aspects). But these intentions were foiled on a larger scale (the Houston-Browns' sit around a lot) and on smaller ones -- throughout all 10 episodes we see Bob and Whit acting out for the camera, waving, smiling and singing. Just as often, we see them doing the exact same things seemingly unaware that there's anyone in the whole world but the two of them.

Their unrealized pretenses -- like something a high person sets out to do only to be instantly distracted -- create a sort of para-reality, one that wasn't necessarily a page-for-page representation of Bob and Whit's off-camera home life, but one that was uniquely theirs all the same. That's why accusations that they're doing disservice to the black community (for whatever reasons -- for talking about poop? for presumably smoking weed? for bickering?) are faulty. Why would Whit and Bob be black ambassadors to the rest of the world when our pop culture is full of, if not held up by, black entertainers? Is there really just one way to be (black)? What's more: when have Whit and Bob represented anything but themselves? They aren't just famous, they're superstars. Though both of their shines have diminished, they're fundamentally larger than life. She's a diva, effortlessly dramatic and cartoonishly difficult. He's a straight-up cartoon, a bad boy so utterly lacking in self control that he always has a jail cell reserved. These people's shared life is not and cannot be ordinary, and the show would reveal itself as phony if it portrayed them as "normal."

And that's not saying that they don't have very real problems that are, at times, hard to watch. It's troubling that the episodes were filmed between Whit's rehab stints. (Though if you're going to be a substance abusing parent, it is probably best to do it as one who's constantly surrounded by people, especially ones  who seem as responsible and level-headed as Tommy Brown -- I never once got the feeling that BK was in any sort of physical danger.)  Watching Bobby flail around, attempting to get his music career back on track or just attempting to get people to look at him was just sad, but maybe not as much as his openness about his alcoholism. If there were any part of the that revealed too much information, it was probably those confessional moments, not the ones focused on dookie bubbles.

But if sadness was never very far, it also served to spotlight what was up in front most of the time: these people's joy. They may act like public fools everywhere they go, but they have so much fun doing so. Their family unit was so self-contained that they didn't need anyone else to be entertained (remarkable, but maybe unsurprising during reflection, considering the talent involved). Bob and Whit take an incredibly simplistic route to amusement. Bored? Go shopping. Bored shopping? Sing!

And, for whatever reasons, they are clearly bonded, if not madly in love. Co-dependency aside, you get a clear sense of the admiration Bobby and Whitney have for each other -- particularly that which What has for Bob, whom, as the second show informed us, she once had arrested for abuse. (I in no way want to downplay spousal abuse but Whit is clearly arbitrarily nasty in nature, and it's reasonable to envision a play-fighting session leaving her so pissed off she'd feel the need to dial "911" to prove a point.) Regardless, most of what we saw was Whit enjoying Bobby -- endlessly making sexual advances so far into their relationship, forcing him to imitate Rick James because she sees something in his impression that the rest of the world can't and, most often, cracking up at the lamest, laziest of jokes from Bob as though he's a natural comic (the best example of this is during the "Biscuits and Gravy" dining session when Bob imitates their dog Doogie by lifting up his hands and saying, "What the fuck are you guys doing?" and causes Whit to inexplicably lose it -- thas love).

See, as much as we laugh at their seeming unawareness, they're laughing, too. Rolling along with the fog, the waves of euphoria and the storm clouds are ones of genuine happiness, of a love that's occupying unto itself. It's entirely endearing and impossible to ignore. More than ever, I want things to work out for these people, and B³ offers plenty of hope -- to their fans, to their haters who can't look away, to themselves, they've reaffirmed their status as America's entertainers.

I hope they don't fuck it up.

Now y'all gonna stand around and quote me, right?

Bob and Whit Talk the Shit: The Top 20 Quotes of B³

20. "Kiss my ass!" - Whit.

In this case, it's not what you say, Whit. It's how you say it.

19. "There's nobody like us" - Bob

Bob said this within the first few minutes of the first episode. What was meant to be tender turned out to be prophecy. (Note: the sound is so muffled -- hence the subtitle -- that making a sound file of it would have been pointless. Not that there's a point to any of this in the first place.)

18. "I'ma fuck him up for leaving you in the cart" - Whit

Some might exaggerate ("I'ma kill him . . ."). Some might not invoke violence at all. Not the woman responsible for the Newark riots.

17. "I just like seeing her walk around the house butt-ass nekkid" - Bob

On Jimmy Kimmel, Bob reveals a major perk that comes with being Whitney Houston's husband. Break us off a piece of that next season.

16. "Could you do me something for a appetizer? I would like gorgonzal. Do you have gorgonzal cheese? With pears. That's very Italian." - Whit

This stuck out immediately when the episode first aired, but I didn't mention it in my recap because I just figured Whit was being rich and I just didn't know what she was talking about. I've since realized that she doesn't know what she's talking about. What the fuck is "gorgonzal?" (I know: "gorgonzola," but still!) Also, in the picture above, she's saying "pears" and using her right hand to make the not-so-universal symbol for the fruit. I call that Whit's pear claw. It's very Italian.

15. "That's the annoying one" - Lil' B

Lil' B proves how amazing he is by fitting the reliably bustin'-out BK into four words and one second.

14. ""It's Mothers Day, not All Everybody Day" - Whit

During the Mothers Day episode, Whit never stopped pointing out that it was, in fact, Mothers Day and that she was put out by the visiting extended family. Mothers Day was special, since everyday with Whit and Bob is All Everybody Day.

13. "The forest is over!" - Whit

If a bitchy comment resounds in the forest and the world hears it, is it technically louder? Yes. Yes it is.

12. "C'mon bring your ass here!" - Bob

The perfect punctuation for any higher-than-hell diatribe. Always count on Bob to be classy . . .

11. "I'ma bite cho ass tonight, though . . . Aw yeah, tonight you gon' get cho ass bit" - Bob

. . . classier . . .

10. "Think I can impregnate you tonight?" - Bob

. . . classiest. This one's great if you consider the challenge.

9. "My sisters were goin', 'Thas love! Thas love! Thas love! Black love!'" - Whit

Whit recalls her cronies' reaction to Bob's dookie-bubble extraction and, in the meantime, speaks for a people.

8. "They're cute, but we're Bobby and Whitney" - Whit

Months, if not a year before B³ starting airing, Whit knew she and Bob had so much to offer to the world of reality television. She told this to a reporter who compared them to Nick and Jessica, and, generous soul that she is, saved the explanation for us.

7. "I don't think this would fit" - BK

Bustin'. Out.

6. "Y'all gonna make me stand up and take a shit on this table" - Bob

Do you really need to stand to do that?

5. "I'm a true American. I've been to jail before, that's American!" - Bob

He's also responsible for our auxiliary national anthem ("Roni"). He's practically a patriot.

4. "I'm about to do the doo. I'm about to drop it on the one. A boatload." - Whit

You get the feeling that the Queen of Euphemism could go on for days.

3. "Hell to the no!" / "Hell to the naw" - Whit

One of the show's indelible, no-brainer soundbites is coming dangerously close to overexposure. Please use this one sparingly, guys. If R. Kelly shows up anywhere with this on his shirt, I'ma fuck y'all up.

2. "Why is my shoe following me?" - Bob

I don't think he ever got to the bottom of this, the show's most pressing existential dilemma.

1. "You know what? I'm not doin' this with him todaaay!" - Whit

While "Hell to the no" is novel (and perhaps another example of Whit's incessant referencing), this one is practical and original. Not just a nutshell example of Whit's Broadway-esque song launching, it's actually a useful, cathartic way to express exasperation. Use it in your daily life. In doing so, you'll see that Whit has redefined her status as the voice of a nation.

I will always love your music

As I wind down the B³ coverage, I'd be wrong not to salute the spontaneous and voluminous music that helps define Bob and Whit's relationship. A lot of this stuff is easily among their best musical work of the past 10 years.

1. Bob & Whit - Glasses, Glasses, Glasses
2. Bob & Whit - Biscuits and Gravy (Sop It Up)
3. Bob - Being Bobby Brown
4. Bob - They Say
5. Bob - Beautiful
6. Bob - Ups and Downs
7. Whit - Goodbye, Goodbye
8. Whit - Haaay
9. BK featuring Whit - Daddy Is Just Greedy (Extended)
10. Lil' B - I Won
11. B³ Theme

1. Bob & Whit - Fire
2. Bob & Whit - Gilligan's Island Theme
3. Bob & Whit - Born To Be Wild
4. Bob & Whit - Superfreak
5. Bob & Whit - Bad Girls
6. Bob - Goodbye, Y'all
7. Bob - Amazing Grace
8. Bob - Good Enough
9. Whit - I'm Every Woman
10. Whit - Send In the Clowns
11. Whit - Ride Like the Wind
12. Whit - Just Someone I Used To Know
13. Whit - Right Here
14. Whit - Shut Up

Shut up, just shut up, already!

Top 10 Never-Before-Seen Moments Aired During Bravo's (Fantastic!) B³: Omnibus Edition (aka Remembering the Houston-Browns, Unkrunked)

10. "No!"

Whitney's constant refusal to give adoring fans her time may just be a matter of a diva taking her (fading) fame for granted. But I'll be a dookie bubble if she doesn't make thwarting seem fun (more good face!). Yes, we're going to sit around watching you yell at those who are gonna stand around and watch you eat, Whitney. Gladly.

Please, make the bitch come out.

9. Yay for alternate camera angles!

. . . because this earlier one . . .

. . . compromised the integrity of the quote. Thanks for making things right, Bravo (though you had it right the first time with the subtitle boxes -- what happened?).

8. Bobby's rendition of "Amazing Grace"

Another failed attempt to impress Whit by song. When in doubt, insert "dawg" into hymn.

7. Subtitle fun never ceases!

I'm sure that's exactly what he does, and I'm sure she loves it. I know way too much about her orifices. And I'm sure I love it.

6. Whit doesn't fight, she doesn't wrestle, she beats bitches up!

Whit N da Hood confirms that there's no taking the Nrk outta the girl.

This just in: Erika C., via email, pointed out that Whit's actually quoting The Real World's Coral here. I kinda knew she was referencing something (right after she says, "'Member that?"), but I didn't know what. Once again, I'm trumped by the Houston-Browns' pop culture savvy. I love those people.

5. Gettin' girls is how he lives (-ed?)

His pregnant belly be damned, ladies still love Bobby!

Even her!

4. Didn't they "almost" have it all?

Since everyone has been dying to know their secret.

3. Toot toot, yeah, beep beep

Whit, Bob and some unidentified woman recreate the magic that is Donna Summer's "Bad Girls." In her least divalike moment of the season, Whit lets Faceless girl take the lead vocal.

Donna Sum. Donna Sum!!!

2. Bobby feels his music

Because if he doesn't, who will? None together now: "Beautiful, here we go again my love . . . "

1. "I Believe I Can Fly" . . . Cuz I'm High!

In maybe the show's sweetest stupid moment, Bob and Whit put part-time pantomime R. Kelly in his place with their own spin on "I Believe I Can Fly." It's never been more beautiful. Bravo did a great job with this episode, editing it so that it magnified the arbitrarily manic nature of the show (and its starring couple). Leaving this for last was yet another stroke of genius.

Bob and Whit engaged in interpretive dance? That's how I wanna remember 'em.

More Top 10 lists and other wrapping-up goodies will follow in the next few days. I bet you can't wait!

We gotta live with SARS

Episode 9 of Exploring the Human Body with Whitney and Bobby opens with a lot of mumbling about hair. "That's a lotta hair," is the first thing we can hear clearly and it comes from Whit. Of course it does. She's talking about that of Bobby's nephew, Kelsey:

Whit then pretends to braid her husband's too-short hair. Bobby informs us that Whit's poor judgment comes from the fact that instead of dolls, she played with matches and gasoline when she was little. She gets all excited -- a little too excited for him to be lying.

"And burn them shits' asses up," she enthuses. And then: "Amen, I started the Nrk riots, you know that?" The what riots? Oh. Newark. Awesome!

Then, she and Bobby start doing that verbal/physical picking thing they do. Except, this time their bickering ends happily.

After the credits, more of this setting: their Atlanta home.

"This is the Brown house," Bobby tells us. Get it? Bobby Brown/the house is painted brown. That's the kinda cleverness we've come to expect from the man who wrote (he'll have you know!) "Get Away."

Whitney tells us that Bobby does a good impression of Rick James. She's wrong. She gets him going by humming some bars of "Superfreak". His impression is detrimentally marred by his complete botching of the chorus-concluding "Yow." Whitney thinks it's perfect anyway. Love is deaf, y'all.

Tommy then says he's made a reservation at arcade-restaurant Dave & Busters, which Wincey is not happy about. What, the Eat & Play Power Combo doesn't entice you, Whit? How bourgie. Bobby explains that D&B is for pimps, a plus in his book. "Put you right to work when we get there, sweetie," says Bob. "'Sweetie?' Bobby, you know I hate that shit . . . That sweetie shit don't work well wit' me." "Sweetie" might not work well, but implications of prostitution? Like a charm!

Meanwhile, as they're talking shit, BK waits patiently with what looks like paperwork.

Child neglect is hilarious.

As they get ready, Whit does that weird overhead-bell-ringing motion she did on last week's previews . . .

. . . minus the alarm sound. WTF? Quit playing games with my heart, Bravo. Now we'll never know what she meant. I'm over it as soon as I see her (literally!) kicking it stereotypical Russian style:

When the group arrives at D&B, some man holds the door open for them and Whit says, "Didn't I see you at the gas station? I sure did!" OMG. I'm moving to the ATL.

At D&B, some tweens recognize Bobby. That's a demo he desperately needs the support of. How nice!

Except . . .

Haha! I'd ask the same question. Anyway, the editors let us know Whit's whereabouts almost immediately:

"Kickass!" she yells. She's gaming. Good thing she brought her cyborg cellphone earpiece!

During dinner, Bobby breaks down the Browns' family glue: "Yo, when my family's together. Y'know, all we do is we laugh, we have fun, we kick it. That's what the Browns about: laughter." It would seem that way.

Then: more games. Bobby plays pool with an underused Pop. Pop loses.

Bobby Jr. steps up to play. Bobby refers to him as "Lil' B," so that's what we're calling him from now on. Lil' B totally sucks, so Whit tells Bob, in front of everyone, that he should let Lil' B win.

I think she means, "Let him win, soon."

While the boys are doing their thing, BK gets positively ladylike.

(What's good, 'Necia?)

Whitney is serious about the wanting to go thing.

OK, now I'm serious about moving to be near them. I love that she says "You know me," which means she's totally done it before. I would ride her . . . wait, what's that Bobby? You have some snark for this one? Please, go ahead! I hate to impose on a family . . .

It's funny cuz it's true. Bobby finally lets Lil' B win, which turns out to be the right move. It makes Lil' B so ecstatic that he claims his birthright and creates a song on the spot. We'll call it "I Won". As he sings, he rocks back and forth on his precariously high stool, exhibiting yet another birthright: ostensible insanity.

"Robert!" See, Whit's pissed because his song is totally better than her newest creation, "Goodbye, Goodbye". Feel like singing along, anyway? Here are the lyrics:

A catchy tune. "And y'all think I'm crazy," voiceovers Bobby. No, I'm pretty sure we think Whit's out of her mind ("batshit," that's my favorite way to describe it). But good guess!

Then, more gaming, this time at Malibu Grand Prix. Bobby hops from one failed activity to the next, all the while adopting Pop's raspy ranting style. There's something truly endearing about someone accepting his future self.

Bobby spots Skee Ball and lets us know. It really sounds like he's saying Skeet Ball. He says it a lot. It's pretty gross.

And then, true to form, he cheats.

Cut to go carts! Bobby heckles a stranger on the track while waiting in line. So let me get this straight: if you live in Atlanta you can 1) Pump gas with Whitney 2) Find Whitney on the side of the road 3) Be the brunt of Bobby's ridicule. Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a new capital (which makes even more sense when you consider my nomination of "Roni" for our new national anthem).

And then Bobby, whose intelligence and diligence make him untouchable and completely exempt from the kind of mocking he so freely dispenses, informs us that he used to drive in the Kentucky Derby. Then, he proves it.

More game-oriented shenanigans ensue, including balls flying at Bobby's balls in a batting cage. And then Whit calls. She's never far away and that's a good thing.

Bobby's side of the conversation makes for another wonderful soliloquy. If last week's burp narration was "Friends, Romans, countrymen," this must be "Out, damned spot!":

"'Ey honey…I'm coming by there…I'm on my way. I'm like right down the block, anyway. 'Bout two minutes away from you…Who's there?...You got company, don't chu? You got somebody over there wit chu. Who there wit chu?...Who's there?...Oh, really? You got a man there wit chu, don't chu?...Huh?...If I catch shit up in there, you know what I'm do…I'ma bust his…Wha?...You ain't in the mood for playin'? I'm not in the mood for playing. Who's over there?...Who am I? I'm your husband! What chu mean, who am I?...What?...Oh, you're a grown woman? You're a grown woman? Huh? You grown now?...Who's over there?...Bye."

There's apparent reconciliation, which leads Bob to voiceover: "Whitney and I, y'know, we know how to fight, and we know how to make up. That's the good thing about us." The good thing? It seems unfair to just pick one.

Commercials and then time for a new house, this time in Morristown, NJ.

Bobby gives us a breakneck tour of the house that would be completely useless were it not for my ability to catch it all and spell it all out slowly. Seriously, I'm all about watching Bob and Whit be high, but it's also nice to learn a little something about where they call home. I mean, they're practically family at this point. Anyway, this is Bob's former home studio . . .

. . . former because Whit won't let him use it on account of their bedroom being over it. He uses a lot of words to say "creative bankruptcy." Moving on, we see an awards case . . .

. . . Bob points out that he's won five Grammies, seven American Music Awards and two People's Choice Awards. And all he got was this stupid reality show. He also admits that most of the awards in the case are Whitney's, which, duh.

Their great room:

"That's . . . a room," says Bob about this one, which clearly deserves a better explanation that probably wouldn't even be too difficult (hint: use the word "pool"):

A game room. Is it a shock at all that the games seem to be out of commission?

A shoe room:

Office:

Closet space:

A "bed area":

Then, in a room we haven't been introduced to but will soon know and love, Bob shows off his repugnant feet. Every little step, I vomit.

He and Whit freak out to the tune of "Born To Be Wild". And I mean freak out (by the song's end, Whit sounds like she's sporting an electrolarynx). BK is not amused. It strikes me that throughout this show's run, it's taken a lot to flap BK because I've never seen her more mortified. And, in yet another case of princess sympathy, I can't help but feel her embarrassment.

Then, in a moment of pure catharsis, BK starts wailing on Bobby . . .

. . . which turns one of her onlooking friends aghast . . .

Bob has the perfect solution to end the violence: feet!

BK and Whit hate this, but it cracks up another onlooker . . .

Then, two relatives of Whit's drop by, her niece Blair . . .

And her nephew Gary. While a few have hypothesized that Bob and Whit spend so much time in hotels to escape their endzsucking relatives, Whit seems genuinely thrilled to see them. And Jesus Christ, can you blame her?

"Look at my nephew, oh my god!" cackles Whit. Indeed. Look at him. I'm sorry, but not dignity nor homophobia nor a gene pool the size of a puddle could keep my hands offa that beautiful, beautiful slab of man. I mean, Jesus, he's like, the hottest guy I've ever seen . . . on Bravo.

And now we come to yet another exchange that deserves no less than a transcript. It all starts benignly enough with nicotine:

Bobby: You wanna see a terrorist? Here's a terrorist for you. Cigarettes. These cigarettes kill more people everyday than any terrorist I've seen . . . on television.

W: On television? You ain't seen no terrorist on television.

B: Yes I have.

W: Who? You?

B: George Bush.

W: George is protecting the country.

B: He works for this country! He don't protect nobody countryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyygb bbyghbnhgbnhghnhnhg

. . . oh, sorry guys, I got distracted by the reaction shot of Gary that Bravo randomly inserted. I hate to break this exchange up, but he's worth another peak.

Uh, Gary? Do you think I can impregnate you tonight? No? Well, do you think you can impregnate me tonight?

We now resume our regularly scheduled political debate, already in progress:

W: He protectin' yo country ass!

B: He ain't protectin' me, motherfucker. That motherfucker put me in jail!

W: (to someone who isn't Bobby) George did his shit. George put him in jail!

B: What the fuck y'all talkin' 'bout freedom! He go over there and fight for freedom! And we ain't free in this country yet!

W: We gotta live wit SARS. We gotta live wit fuckin' uh– what'sat – Anthrax! Mmm mmm (signifying "no").

B: Aw, you just watch too much TV. I'm a true American! I've been to jail before, that's American!

W: Kiss my ass!

B: All right, that's what I like.

OK, before we freak out about Whit's Bush support, let's remember that the woman is BATSHIT and that if given the option, I'm sure she would have voted Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan!!! into office. But maybe I'm not so riled by her revelation since I don't really care about, y'know, politics. I mean, I can't be bothered to worry about the sad state of any affairs outside the Brown household. So really, all I got out of whole exchange (besides laughter, of course) was that Whit and BK didn't forget Bobby when they visited Von Dutch. Enriching!

Time for more Bobby "at work." He goes to some studio to record, but not before can Bravo reveal its utter coolness . . .

Guys, it's "crunk." My mom knows that. It's not even like it isn't written down places. Please, in the future, fact-check everything against Urban Dictionary.

Anyway, recording . . .

Bobby sings "They Say", a paranoid-delusional anthem about stalkerazzi in the grand tradition of "My Prerogative" ("They say I'm crazy . . .") and, uh, "Get Away." "They say I fuss and fight / What they say, it just ain't right," sings Bob. Yeah. If only Get Along Gang weren't taken. We coulda been watching a much more appropriately titled show.

Bob also sings the umpteenth version of what could only be called "Being Bobby Brown." This one has excellent ad-libbing. "Yo! If they ask you what you're doin' say, 'I'm just bein' Bobby / I'm just bein' Bobby / I'm just bein' Brown' / Keep my name out your mouth." How can I do that? I can I tell people I'm being Bobby, being Brown while keeping his name out my mouth? How?

OK, enough of this musical nonsense, back to domestic nonsense. At home, Bobby the maniac dances like he's never danced before . . .

. . . reveals a hidden talent . . .

. . . and promises Whit that she has a fun night ahead of her. "Aw yeah, tonight you're gonna get your ass bitten."

She can't wait!

Then, to bid adieu, Bobby launches into something we'll call "Goodbye Y'all". Instead of an original composition, this seems to be a riff on "Goodbye Girl" by Go West. Go. West. As in try-to-remember-our-actual-hit-"King of Wishful Thinking"-from-the-Pretty Woman-soundtrack-let-alone-"Goodbye Girl"-which-didn't-chart Go West. I can say with confidence, without ever having met the man, that this is the weirdest thing to wash up from the sea of tangents that is Bobby's mind.

The end!

Next week (er, uh, this Thursday), we'll see Bravo's version of the show's greatest hits. We'll see if they can get this right or if they krunk it up. A clips show normally wouldn't be exciting, but, y'know, we're talking about the best thing to ever happen to television here. I say, repackage away!

Oh, and while you're at it, give me some previously unseen shit, too . . .

I'm telling you cuz you care about these things: can't wait!!!

A special message from Whitney and Bobby

Whitney: That gay boy that makes fun of us week after week after week ain't doin' that wit' us this week.

Bobby: Honey, that's not really true. He's just not doing it today . . .

W: I'ma fuck him up.

B: Sweetie, he say the things he do because he appreciates us.

W: That's not appreciation, Bobby, when you say things about a little girl who can't even help it. He said Krissy was a princess and that she had a penis. That's villainous.

B: What he say about my little girl?

W: It's not right Bobby. That fucking retard deserves it that he lost all those screenshots last night when he stupidly exited out of his DVD-playing program in the middle of doing his shit. I hope his ass stay delayed.

B: What he say abo