fourfour

Curses! Foiled again!

By now, this is kinda old news, but I'm still getting email about it, sooo...

ANTM alumnae Danielle, Jaslene and Bianca all walked in last week's Project Runway finals.

See?

Blogging Project Runway's Laura K. pointed me to some hi-rez shots of the girls. View them here, here and here.

(Danielle at a different angle is here, too.)

I obviously was in no rush to put these up, but I finally relented. As one reader, Michelle K., put it: "It just goes to show - no matter how hard you try to fight it projrun will always haunt you!" So true! And that is why I frequently cry myself to sleep.

Thanks to everyone who sent these to me!

...and I'm out

I don't want to make a big deal about this (because it sooooooo isn't a big deal), but it looks like I will not be recapping Project Runway this season. There are two main reasons for this. The first is a matter of time: in order to cover this show in a way that would satisfy the expectations of others and me, I would need to devote virtually all my non-ANTM time to it. No thanks. I'm not interested in only writing about reality TV on this blog -- I do quite enough of that at work, and I care about far too many other media for such a specific focus. There was a Project Runway-ANTM overlap at the end of Season 3 and the beginning of Cycle 7 and it was fucking hell to cover both. No, no, no.

The second reason is that I don't think I'm that into ProjRun, anymore. Besides the forest woman and that hateable art-fag with the spine-tingling haircut, I found myself attracted to none of the (non-) personalities we met on Wednesday's Season 4 premiere. Clearly, ProjRun cast very talented and accomplished people this time around, but I wonder if by leaning so heavily toward that end, they've squandered the opportunity for compelling characters.

I'll find out -- I'm not giving up on the show entirely. I'll be watching along and if anything grabs me, I'll definitely post about it here. When ANTM ends in a month, I may pick up recapping Project Runway. It sounds like cheating, because really it is, but maybe by that point, the characters will have developed beyond their current blandness?

In any event, for all your Project Runway needs, please hit up Blogging Project Runway. They're really good people and are far more devoted to the show than I could ever be.

I feel like leaving the comments on this post open would read like I was asking people to beg me to reconsider (I wouldn't normally assume that people would even care that much, but this poll suggests otherwise). So I'm closing them just to show you how firmly resolute I am -- this is just the way it is, and it isn't up for discussion. If you do care enough to be bothered about this, I'd suggest erring on the side of assuming that I won't be covering the show at all. That way, I can only surprise you.

Riddle me this

This right here is a preview for Project Runway 4:

I'm curious about whether you find it as meh as I do. If you wouldn't mind giving me your opinion on this matter, it could help me greatly down the line.

Also, while I'm soliciting you like the cheap whore that I am, there's a survey up at the top right of this page. If you have a second, could you take it for me? Also, here's another survey. I haven't taken either, so I have no idea how long and/or obnoxious they are. I don't have to tell you that you should ignore this request if you're so inclined (because, duh, you will anyway), but I will point out that I've NEVER. ASKED. YOU. FOR. ANYTHING. I don't even have a fucking Amazon wishlist.

All right, that concludes my moment of martyrdom for today. But really: tell me all about your feelings about ProjRun 4. I'm ever so curious.

Project terminated

As sort of a reward to myself for the hours I spent writing about the show over the course of its third season, I will not be recapping the final episode of Project Runway. I'm tired, it's over and besides, there really wasn't much material worth mining in the finale episode. Trying to pull a long-form recap out of 20 minutes of kindness and runway collections would be like trying to pull blood out of a Harry Winston. I'm not sure that anyone cares at this point; I'm positive that I don't. It seems mighty pointless, now that the show is over, to be grabbing a .gif of Laura's runway strut, or illustrating the trash dump that Park Pleating must be (Sanford & Son? Ha!), or wondering aloud about exactly what Laura was questioning if it wasn't Jeffrey's integrity, or putting a sound file of "wowness" up or giving Michael the Lagerfeldian fan he's shrieking for in this shot:

Well, OK. Fine.

How could I possibly resist? I am human, you know.

Anyway, I will say that unlike Winston and 95 percent of viewers, I like that Jeffrey won. Uli's collection was stronger and Laura's had higher highs, but from a purely in-it-for-the-drama POV, I like that the ultra-prick took it all without ever really redeeming himself (save the scant instances of damage control that I pointed out). It was ballsy on the part of the judges/producers, and the mass outrage in its wake has been entertaining, as well. Again, purely in it for the drama.

So yay.

Oh, and I do have this for you: Heidi's brief discussion with John Fleming, EVP and CMO of Wal-Mart (Stores Division)...

...has produced your new ringtone. It's her response when he said any of the designers working for Wal-Mart was "always a possibility." Nice wheeze, Heids. Hear it in motion. This will be your final ProjRun new ringtone, sniff, sniff. Think of me when you get that booty call. Lowenstein, Lowenstein.

(Thanks to Rachel for pointing that one out.)

I have to give a big, well-mannered thank you to Blogging Project Runway, whose beyond-generous authors have never wavered in their support of my blog, no matter how profane, disgusting or uncalled for my recaps were. You guys are seriously too good to me.

Finally, thanks to the readers. Thanks for your emails and comments, especially the ones calling me on my shit. I can't say I really regret anything I've included in these recaps, but dissent is the roadway to thinking and understanding that I appreciate the most.

It's been fun, guys.

Winston responds to ProjRun outcome

(Download)

Take that as you will.

I'm thinking of a number between one and bullshit

Hmmmm...

Uncomfortable, isn't it?

Not hardly, Heidi! Sure, the reunion special was a little slow, a little bland and only succeeded in exposing unresolved issues instead of, you know, resolving them. But on the plus side, we got to see Alison again, we learned more about Jeffrey's colon than we ever wanted to know (and here I thought Robert had the most active ass in the competition) and we got to see this:

Who says pregnant women can't be sexy?

Wow

Keeping all four contestants in the competition is supposed to make us feel like this:

However, I am not tickled pink. My reaction is more along the lines of::

Mondo Kayne

Kayne isn't a bitch, he just plays one on TV. And here, I thought he couldn't help but perpetuate the stereotype of the bitchy queen! I think pretending to be one is a wonderful way to win friends and influence people.

During his time of elimination, our little seamstress (?!?) kept it together. All he had to do was meditate and repeat his mantra: "Destiny's Child, Destiny's Child..."

But really, with Kayne gone, who will pick up his bitchy slack? Oh right: Laura, Jeffrey, Uli (sometimes!) and Michael. No homo.

The erotic exit of V

Sigh.

(Download)

I'm really gonna miss him.

Angie in the sky with fleurchons

The worst thing about Angela's elimination? No more nightgown.

Anguish!

Wait.

Recap will be up Tuesday. Go outside or something!

You look hotter eliminated

Actually, no.

The title of this recap is a total lie. My bad!

I know this world is killing you

She's dead, everybody!

DEAD.

(I wish I could take credit for that top image, but it was actually sent in by reader David Smith. I spontaneously ejaculated when I opened the picture, and I figured that was a good indication of its post-worthiness. I mean, look at the beautifully precise absurdity. Look at the unicorn. David Smith, I salute your genius.)

What are we gonna do now that our very own Rainbow Brite has ceased shining?

Bullshit.

On top of everything, we no longer get to watch the prettiest girl in all the land on a weekly basis.

While I have you: I'm thinking of posting the bulk of the sound bites in a new format (specifically, something like this). I'm thinking that most of the sounds I post are a one-click deal anyway, and it might be a pain in the ass to have to wait for your MP3 player to start up and keep it open and whatever -- something integrated into the page just makes more sense, I think. Tell me your thoughts. And while you're at it, tell me your dreams (am I in them?).

Just like Jesse James

Awwww. Unlike cockroaches and, well, Cher, Bradley is not eternal. But a what a guy, you know? It kinda sucks that one of the most clearly down-to-earth people on the show is now gone. I mean, that exit interview was practically heartbreaking. "Given where I'm at, I did what I did and that's it. Y'know, I'm going home." Don't fret, Bradley: we both know that everywhere you go, there you are.

Wait, who?

Oh right, Bonnie's distinguishing feature was that big horn on her head.

Now I remember her. She was the unicorn.

Word is that Alison was not happy about this elimination.

He had to go

Because if your reality TV doesn't have integrity and seriousness of purpose, your culture is doomed. Doomed.

If you missed the moment your whole life was leading up to, watch it here:

(Download)

(But for real, I'm glad Keith's gone. More on this in Monday's recap, obviously.)

Are horses a fashion accessory?

Bye, Katherine. I'll miss your...um...well...

...piercing.

Malan Breton from Taiwan: So long

Boo hoo, Malan's gone. Today I cry for future ridicule that will never come to pass. Gone too soon, gone too soon.

Project Runway, unlike some other show, took the high road in this case and didn't keep around someone just for drama (somewhere in New York, Jade is eating her ProjRun application). While I respect the show for that, I also kind of hate it for that. I like the drama, damn it! (And this is to say nothing about Angela's admitted sketching inability -- seriously, how'd she get on this show if she "doesn't sketch?")

And while Malan's closing speech tugged at the heartstrings ("For a moment I felt like I'm a part of something and now it's over," got me, I admit), let's not forget that it was delivered with a fake fucking accent! Doesn't that immediately disqualify him as a reliable source?

Theatrical illusion, indeed. Stop wasting your Kleenex.

I know what you had for lunch

Hello.

Well, aren't we spoiled? A mere four months have passed between ProjRun seasons. As last week's premiere crept up, I noticed a few articles wondering if it was too soon. Bitches, please. Is it ever too soon to watch Heidi do this?

Clearly not.

A word on Runway

Hi, everybody! I'm so excited to see you all! Welcome to Project Runway!!!

Do you think Heidi piddled herself when she said that? Because I sort of did.

Anyway, this is just a note to state what must be obvious to anyone who'd care: yeah, I'll be recapping this season of Project Runway. How could I not, really? I'll probably stick to the same haphazard format as always, since I'm really not clever enough to retool and streamline. What will change, however, is when I post. I've really, really, really enjoyed the past two months of not being chained to my TV and computer on Wednesday and Thursday nights. For that reason, I'm going to give myself till Monday to have the ProjRun recaps up. I really love getting them up on Fridays when everything's still fresh in everyone's heads, and I will try to get them up by then, but because I'm not making promises, I suspect that they'll rarely be up before Monday. I need to hold on to all the youth I have left and I can't have this shit cutting into my beauty sleep and prematurely aging me. Heidi would not approve, Tyra would not approve and the teenage Latinas on my block, sometimes my sole source of self-confidence, would not approve.

So yeah, no need to nudge me or ask where the recap is if you happen to visit on a Friday (or, God forbid, a Thursday) and I'm talking about pop music or crazy ladies or cuddly animals or Keyshia Cole (who, come to think of it, is sort of those three elements in one feisty little package). The recap's on the way -- I know where things need to go, and I don't stop working until they get there.

Insert "Make it work" joke here. Carry on. Blah blah blah.

It's not hard to say goodbye to Ruh-hun-wayyyyeeeeee

Betcha thought I was gonna say "auf wiedersehen," didn't you?

Just a note before I give my final thoughts on Runway -- while it's flattering that some people are anxious to hear what I have to say about the ANTM premiere, the skin on my neck is bubbling from all the hot breath that's been going down it. Seriously. All this important, important television happened to air during a week when I had a heaping amount of non-blog, non-day-job work, and on a night of one Kelley Polar show and one Matthew Herbert DJ set I wasn't about to miss. I'm not complaining, just asking for a break. My ANTM recaps are never up till Friday, anyway.

Except, heh, not this time. I know ANTM is much more exciting than ProjRun (believe, me, I KNOW), I know ProjRun is OVAH, but goddammit, I'm a completist. Sorry if this makes me compulsively disappointing. ANTM thoughts will be up on Monday. I'll give you a preview: Gina is to become the new queen of fourfour. I love her and am jealous of the way her brain works.

So yeah. About ProjRun...

Pro...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A nation reacts to Chloe's victory.

Whatever. At least it wasn't Daniel.

Besides, Chloe has a future ahead designing outfits for big fat asses and love seats.

Exciting!

More on this tomorrow, of course.

The sun also sets

Bravo totally got the editing wrong. No matter how much they'd have to fudge chronology, the above shot should have been the show's parting glance. The only thing that would have made it more perfect? If it were Andraé sitting with Tim, instead of Santino. Andraé sitting with Tim, wearing a lobster bib.

Anyone, one show left...

...muthafuckas...

(Thank god.)

Everyone here is crazy

Kara's infinite wisdom strikes again! And she's right -- all these people are crazy (can you imagine how boring the show would be if they weren't?). However, maybe they aren't crazy as someone who, say, gives himself the task of recapping what is essentially a recap (if you ever want to feel completely pointless, have I got a job for you!).

No matter -- this week's clips-filled reunion show wasn't just the season's hands-down best dramatic spectacle. It was also a learning experience. What follows are but a few of the lessons offered to us by Heidi, public servant that she is, and, y'know, everyone else.

Doomed, we're all doomed

I think Kara said it best (week after week after week): Everyone here is crazy. Of all the possible outcomes for this week's episode, seeing her go was the one what I wanted to happen the least. It's not just that I've grown fond of her cracky facade. Whether or not you were in love with her (decoy) Fashion Week collection, you can't argue that it was at least surprising, that it at least would have shaken things up and made the final show truly exciting. With Kara booted, I really think Daniel V. is going to win this. That means from here on out, the show sleepwalks. Boring.

Nick, I swear . . .

Sorry again that the recap is coming late. Thanks for your patience. The absolute truth is that I had to take time to collect myself in dealing with the loss of Nick. Here's how I'd like to remember him:

I should be crying but I just can't let it show.

Good g-g-g-g-game

Please observe a moment of silence or pour out a little liquor for Nick.

Or, you might want to listen to "Gangsta Lean." I find it helps at times like these.

Annnnnnddddd...that's it. For today. Any recap I'd put up now would suck so hard, you'd start hating me on the spot. Sorry. I'm tired. Yeah, I know that just yesterday, I went all Heather Nomi in the comments section of the Grammys post:

ProjRun recaps...go up on Fridays. In the words of Nomi Malone,

"Sorry. That's the rules."

And now I apologize again: sorry I'm breaking those rules. But really, it'll be better later. Promise.

The recap will be up by Monday morning.

In the meantime, if you want to read an essay I wrote about SWV's "Weak" (a plea for its canonization, really), look no further. It's not often that I mention extra-blog stuff here because who cares, right? This, however, is totally something I'd post. And, whatever, you know you love "Weak."

You love this more:

The original, non-"Human Nature Remix" video for SWV's "Right Here." They were so raw, dancing in a crosswalk and shit.

Edit: I'm an asshole. While talking about SWV, I should have included a link to Bill's eviable SWV MP3 post that went up earlier this week. Dumb dumb dumb of me, considering that Bill's site, osn (One Soulful Negro) is my favorite MP3 site that ever existed. Develop your habit now.

Gay gardens

And so, with the grace of a dying flower that never once met spray shellac, the facially elastic Andraé (What Happened to Andraé) leaves us. Not, however, before comparing himself to an angel and being likened to a lamb by Santino in one of his borderline-obsessive, Tim-Gunn invoking fantasies (a lot more on those later because how could there not be?!?).

Possessed by Zuzu

What, Zuzu worry?

I think Zuzu was unfazed by this week's elimination because she knows that around every corner, ultimately, magic and wonder are waiting for her. She's such an animal!

It wasn't the shirt

. . . though it certainly did you no favors.

What is this show going to be without Emmett's constant reminders of his menswear background, his Ken-doll emotional range and his wonderful linguistic skills that led him to whip up gems like, "I'm a creative man who is looking to define myself creatively?" Emmett was human toast, golf with a pulse, walking wood paneling. Emmett was real 'cause he do real things. Big mistake getting rid of him, Heidi & Co. I mean, really, first Marla and now this?

Project fuck up

This week's ProjRun recap is being brought to you by the letter "fuuuuuuuck!"

When I published it this morning, it created three identical posts. I deleted two and was left with a post largely devoid of images. Not fun for anyone. Sorry.

It's on its way -- I'm going to try to have it up by this afternoon, but it may have to wait till this evening.

In the meantime, you can occupy yourself by staring at Andraé's legs. I don't think it's a coincidence that this is one of the few pictures that stayed up.

Sorry everyone!

I've got the powerbitch

Ever wonder what the kiss of death looks like? It's something like:

Obviously the designer paired with Marla was going to be unlucky. She is dark-sided.

Diana, however, is not.

She just sucks!

One night in Nicky

Damn you, Project Runway, for making me feature a fucking Hilton on this blog (I don't even link to Perez, for Chrissakes!). Sorry, guys, I never wanted things to turn out this way. I'll try not to dwell on the vapid, expressionless centerpiece of this week's episode.

Falling off the Runway

So, to mark my return to regular posting, I was going to do a small ProjRun rundown of the third episode, which Christmas With the Browns previously displaced in these parts. Anticlimactic as it may have seemed coming after my blog break, I figured it would be a chance to catch up, since an original episode didn't air last week. Because it's been almost two weeks without an original episode, I'm kinda going through withdrawal from my life's current lack of people who say, "My vision . . . " with a straight face.

Plus, Heidi's eyes continue to perk up and then drift all over the place, and the ever misguided Kara sported some weird braids in the beginning of the episode that would make Juliette Lewis jealous.

Oh, how I wish I could show you, but alas: when I attempted to play on my computer the DVD of the episode that I had burned, my DVD-R drive huffed and grinded and nothing happened. Over and over and over nothing happened. I tried using five different DVDs. I tried using five different DVD programs. I tried burning a new DVD. I tried sweet-talking my computer. I tried screaming at it. I hit it. I showed it my wiener.

Nothing happened every time. It would not in a box. It would not with a fox.

My eventual frustration was similar to that of Santino/Spaulding when the judges shit on his hideous, unsexy, anatomically approximate designs. Kinda like this:

Anyway, a few hours and one rather awkward and slow-moving online chat with a Dell representative later, and I have a new DVD-R drive on the way. It should arrive "within 48 hours," so I'll be back to normal by the end of this week. I'm still going to be posting regularly, though the temporary lack of a DVD player in my computer does foil a few of my plans for the week. Sorry about this -- it sucks for me more.

If you're after a Project Runway fix, I suggest the insanely detailed Blogging Project Runway.

On the upside of everything, Junk Feud is back! That gain totally kicks my loss' ass.

Beyond the fashion of the dolls

Gay.

Heidi is my homegirl

Here's where I finally get around to talking about Project Runway. Like the post-gimmick (Crying Count, Bug-O-Meter, Tyraism) part of my weekly ANTM recap, my Project Runway rundowns are going to be scattered notes -- more companion pieces than recaps (and I use the word "pieces" loosely). This means that if you don't watch the show or if you happen to miss an episode, I'm probably not going to be much help. On top of that, don't expect the (serpentine) exhaustiveness of my writing about ANTM -- I like Project Runway but because it's a competition of actual talent (talent that goes beyond serving and fierceness, that is), it's just not as campy. This show isn't exactly a ridiculous, loveable sham.

I'm aiming to have these up on Thursdays, while the week's episode is fresh in everyone's head. But even though I'm planning to keep things looser and briefer than the ANTM coverage, I might not be able to restrain myself and may need more time. I don't know, we'll see.

Anyway, enough of this babble and onto the, uh, babble...