fourfour

fourfour's 44+ reasons to love 2008 (Part 3 - 24-15)

My heart goes on.

And in other news, beware of exploding bunnies.

That Tyra article

Thanks to all who sent me the link for the New York Times Magazine cover story about Tyra Banks. I have little to say about it other than it's an entertaining profile of a God complex (Tyra illustrates this best: "I want power. The power to make change. I have never been interested in being ‘hot’ or ‘cool.’ I’m not interested in walking down a bunch of red carpets, dating someone famous, being in a big movie. I’ve done those things, and it never felt right. But I do want power and not for financial reasons." Duh. She wants power for God reasons!).

Via the piece, Tyra ultimately cancels herself out. On one hand, her commitment to shaking up the problems of representation in pop culture is plausible and, as such, makes her more likable ("I’m more interested in fighting for the racial mix of the cast [of ANTM]. Dark-skinned black girls are usually not famous — if you think of black girls, it’s light-skinned girls like me or Beyoncé or Halle Berry. When I’m casting a dark-skinned black girl on Top Model, I’m sending a message to the little girl watching at home that she is beautiful.”). On the other, the probably false hope she foists on the unsuspecting makes her come off as little more than Jane Austen's Emma writ draggish -- the piece ends with her demanding that her newly red-headed, derailed-by-9/11 [?!?] waitress switch to the evening shift so that she can pursue modeling by day. "But your hair is not the point," Tyra implores. "You’re going to do this, aren’t you? You’re going to remember this day. This is the day your life changed." I don't know if she then saw that it was good or twitched her nose or whatever, but no matter what, Tyra seems awfully taken by her own magic.

The best thing about the piece was, obviously, the pictorial of different smiles, some of which are represented in the gif above. I love this not because it's educational, but because the frame-filling hair and rampant cheesiness mimic something out of a Jersey high school yearbook from the '80s. Ultimately, Tyra never fails to feel like home to me.

But what should we do to the vagarms?

Yes, it's still ridiculous that someone who profits from judging people is complaining about being judged, but Tyra Banks' demand to, "Kiss my fat ass," while crying, is pop-culture history in the making. Melodramatic, vulgar, weave-wavin' and much more fragile than Tyra has the capacity to admit, this moment is yet another stand-out chapter in a career that more and more reads like a bible of attention grabbing in new millennial media. This is fucking iconic. Well played, once again, Ty Ty. Well played.

Just in case you haven't seen it yet:

(Download)

If you're like me, you'd like to relive that classic moment repeatedly. You're in luck:

Here's my favorite frame:

She's owning her chunk so much, it's as though she's saying, "I might eat you, too. And what."

A hole in her soul

Tyra Banks, who's currently sitting on 161 lbs. of ribs and ass, is sad that people call her fat (like, for example, these people). Even though this is totally absurd, seeing as she's the mommy of a show that, in concept, exists to judge women on superficial criteria and expose their flaws (such as, you know, being overweight), and, in practice, has also served as a documentary of her own steady weight gain since 2003, I still feel for her.

As a consolation, I offer this bit information that struck me when I recently watched Kenneth Anger's Fireworks (via this gift to the world): even muscle men of the 1940s suffered from vagina arms.

Like whoa, right?

Not that Tyra cares or even knows about the shit I talk. Still, if I were feeling blue, news like this would definitely make me (not to mention my vagina arms!) perk up.

(Thanks, Paul and Michelle.)

Two for...Wednesday

I can never get my shit together for Tuesdays, it would seem.

Anyway, there's obviously another place for what I'm about to say (look right), but with fourfour being the definitive record of my interests, I have to note my obsession with Flavor of Love. I'd add "...against my better judgment" as a caveat, but I think that this show has single-handedly obliterated the very notion of insight from my life. Just kidding, VH1! Love ya like a sister station!

Anyway, below are perhaps my favorite four seconds of television this year, looped a few times because that's how it goes in my head (as it has for months -- ever since I previewed Sunday's episode). If you've never seen Flavor of Love, this is pretty much all you need to know about it.

I bet that's going to end up flashing before my eyes right before I die. Exciting!

Moving from a woman lodged in my mind to one I share a mind with, what follows is a clip of Tyra telling a fairly sexy husky guy in her audience that she digs chunk. Perhaps specifically, his chunk.

I know that clip isn't super exciting or anything (haha, and now it strikes me that with the Celebrity Fit Club people in there, this post really seems like I've taken to shilling for VH1 on this blog hardcore...oops!). But really, I'm just glad to be on the same page with Ty Ty. Takes chunk to love chunk!

Tyra Banks wants you to believe

(Download)

I know she's being goofy, but I really thinks she wants us to believe that she's just a regular old girl who shops at the 99 Cent Store. How dumb does she think her viewers are?

And yeah, my renewed interest in Tyra directly correlates to the premiere of ANTM. Yay. Double yay: no Project Runway next week. Seriously, I didn't know how I was going to handle 2 hours of skinny bitches on top of 1 hour of snippy (hee!) bitches (and that's in addition to, you know actual work, which generally revolves around plain old bitches). I actually don't know what I'm going to do for the ProjRun/ANTM overlap that's going to occur from Sept. 27 - Oct. 18. That's four episodes. I think I might sneeze my brain out. Or maybe my fingers will fall off. Stay tuned!

Two for, uh, Monday

Though it premiered a few weeks ago, the clip of Lucas Prata's appearance on My Super Sweet 16 has yet to make its way onto YouTube. Um, hello? Am I the only one with video ripping ability who recognizes how awesome it is to watch these teen girls gag over this stocky, thirtysomething meathead whose KTU staple, "And She Said...," is to Cher's "Believe" what his last name is to "Prada?" Designer impostor, baby!

Anyway, I've righted that wrong by uploading to YouTube. Just doing my part, guys. You know that in the distant future, when there's no more storable media, just YouTube, people are going to want to know what privileged Long Island culture was like in the mid-'00s. The following three minutes is everything you'll never need to know about that.

A few things to note:

• To Meleny, she whose Sweet 16 (actually, Sweet 18) is being profiled in this episode, there is ONLY ONE singer in the world and his name is (duh) Prata. He's her first and second favorite!
• "Lucas Prata, he's like an amazing singer. And he's here! Whoo!"
• His two male backup dancers are wearing t-shirts with the lyrics of the song printed on them. On the front, they say, "And she said..." and on the back? "Yeah yeah yeah." Funny, when I heard this on the radio months ago, I said, "These lyrics are so complex that only a silkscreen could do them justice."

A postscript: someone I know went to an 18+ club in Queens last week (because in Queens, apparently it's acceptable for grown people go to 18+ clubs...yeah, I don't know. It's Queens.) and Prata performed! The teen crowd went batshit, and Prata even mentioned his My Super Sweet 16 appearance. He's proud of this shit, y'all. But then, I would be, too, if I sweat that much without losing any bronzer.

The second video isn't as full of hawtness. It's just raggedy old Tyra Banks singing "We Belong Together" with a bunch of women's prison inmates. This, of course, happened on last week's Tyra-in-prison episode of her talk show. She does this gimmicky shit always around sweeps and often otherwise, and I eat it up like half of the time. I'm just a sucka for her love, tough and self-congratulatory as it may be.

But seriously, "We Belong Together!" That's at least as around-the way as those cornrows.

Worlds collide

Can you say "seismic?"

The Bobby Brown interview on Monday's The Tyra Banks Show was not nearly as disappointing as it could have been. And that's saying a lot, since my hopes live in the perpetually state of up! It gave Bobby the chance to put a name on secret of his and Whitney's "success" (it's "stickability," guys, which has nothing to do with how sexually desirable one is, as the name seems to indicate, but "something that is, you know, you gotta fight, you gotta fight hard and love hard"). Maybe more importantly, it gave Tyra the chance to do her best Whitney impression (decent, but needs more phlegm). Anyway, you can watch the whole thing (in not-so-perfectly synced pieces) via Fresh, or check below for the clips reel I assembled. Since Bobby's full of shit and Tyra's not the most informed person in the world, I thought it would be helpful to intercut the questions and answers with footage from Being Bobby Brown that sometimes underlines and sometimes refutes what's being said. Oh, and don't think I let Tyra off easy for praising Bobby's tooth gap.

Hypocrite!

Also of note:

The Browns (minus Bobbi Kris and Whit, of course) attended the taping:

And, yo, he's no Gary Houston, but Landon is looking exceedingly stickable lately, braces and all.

Love hard.

Whit's absence was made up for by this awesome vintage shot:

They are so alive with pleasure.

Bobby looked tired...

...but didn't act like it. He performed a medley of "Every Little Step," "Roni" and "My Prerogative." He is the king of R&B, you know (I bet Tyra was contractually obligated to call him that -- she did it twice). He was kinda shouty, but y'know, put his all in it. Watch below:

Be still my Roger-Rabbiting heart!

But maybe the best thing about the appearance was that it ultimately amounted as a promo stop the second round of Being Bobby Brown. Yeah, I had reservations about this, considering Whitney's alleged state, but shit, going through that old footage for the reel above was so much fun. I forgot how much I missed that shit. (And floating way over my head, once again, are those pesky hopes.) No idea when the next season's going to air, or what it's going to entail, but the sliver of a preview Tyra offered is below (note that the shots of Whitney are all from last season).

Also note that this will not be "season 2" but "cycle 2." That's right, Being Bobby Brown comes in cycles. All the best shows do.

Naomi hit me (and it felt like a kiss)

Tyson vs. Douglas. Flynt vs. Fallwell. Freddy vs. Jason.

Just as momentous was the battle on Friday's episode of The Tyra Banks Show, in which our always controversial leader went head-to-head with longtime nemesis Naomi "Hit Me" Campbell. In the episode's opening moments, Tyra explained the hubbub over their 14-year conflict, highlighting how the media fueled their respective ire. Because Tyra's show is full of good vibes (India.fucking.Arie does the theme, for Christ's sake!), the episode wouldn't be a chance to show off enviably manicured claws, but the opportunity to clear the air -- healing crystals and incense as daytime TV. The goal was to put to bed their, as Tyra put it, "fierce rivalry" (is there any other kind in fashion?).

Still, I wouldn't be recapping this if it were encouraging snaps and "Work, girl"s all around. Naomi brought the sauciness, treasure that she is. To an audience-free set (Tyra thought it would be best for them to meet alone), she walked out wearing this smile:

Clearly, she was there to have fun.

Almost immediately, Tyra starting throwing punches -- I mean accusations -- at her. Make sure to pay attention to Naomi's facial reactions, which could not mask the campy absurdity of the confrontation.

Round One

Tyra explains that backstage at one of her earliest Paris fashion shows, she had an altercation with Naomi that would set the tone for the next 14 years.

Tyra: Do you remember what you said to me?

Naomi: Did I say something awful and cruel? (Giggling during "cruel.")

Tyra explains that Naomi accused Tyra of talking about her and promised Tyra that their upcoming photo shoot in Anguilla would not be pleasant.

Naomi: I probably did say that.

Then she apologized. You can tell that she really meant it, right?

Round Two

Tyra recalled that trip to Anguilla, which yielded this picture:

Tyra said that during that shoot, she felt seasick and Naomi consoled her. While soothing Tyra's nerves, Naomi asked, "Do they try to make you look like me?"

Tyra admitted that "they" (stylists? designers?) did -- particularly in L.A. At that, Naomi pushed Tyra away and turned on the ice: "Yeah, I thought so."

Naomi: I said that? Oh my god.

Round Three

Tyra then claimed that she was kicked off that shoot.

Naomi: That's not true. I don't have the power of Anna Wintour.

(That's roughly the power of Greyskull.)

Round Four

Tyra recounted a later shoot:

Tyra claimed that they didn't say one word to each other the entire time.

Naomi claimed to not remember . . .

She said -- with a straight face, for once -- that the only details she remembers of their shared past were the wigs that they were in.

That, of course is the universal hand gesture for "wigs."

Round Five

Tyra said that backstage at yet another show, Naomi accosted her and proclaimed, "You'll never be me!"

Naomi reacted by stammering: I said that? I can't think…that's something…I'm not that…I'm very much…Yeah, I'm very much…I know the person that I am. And I'm not someone to go and give myself away and say that to anybody. I've never said that in my life. If that's what you said, I accept that, but it doesn't sound like me, to people that would know me.

I think the operative phrase is "I can't think."

But the best Naomi reaction was the one that followed Tyra's confession that those days were among the most difficult of her life:

Bitchiness is the curry of her soul -- it comes out of her pores.

She really is awesome. For accuracy's sake, I attempted to take shots of her most prevalent facial response to Tyra's accusations (between-expression shots can be hilarious, but misleading). I have no problem, however, ripping her words out of context, because nothing makes for a good soundbite like a British model's non sequiturs. Here are the Top 10 Naomi utterances from the show:

10. "Awwwwwww."
(This was her reaction to Tyra's confession that she had pictures of Naomi up in her room before she got into modeling.)

9. "It's not that deep."
(But what is, NaiNai?)

8. "I'm someone passing through my life that's gonna hit the lows, that's gonna hit the highs, that's gonna hit the successes."
(Twelve-stepspeak if there ever was, which leads us to . . .)

7. "Rehabilitation should be taught in schools."
(Right. Get a head start on preparing the youth for their forthcoming chemical dependency.)

6. "But this didn't happen!"
(It's important to sound cracked out even if you're just passing through life and a lifelong scholar of rehab.)

5. "I don't have the power of Ann Wintour."
(No further explanation on why this is awesome is necessary, right?)

4. "I self-medicated myself."
(Next time use your powers of Wintour-skull to self-medicate Tyra, please.)

3. "Naomi Campbell Paradise Passion."
(Naomi said this when talking about her perfume line -- Paradise Passion is one of seven fragrances with her name on them. I like to listen to this, however, pretending that what she said right before it is, "My three favorite things are:" Maybe I'm just projecting, though. Those are my three favorite things.)

2. "I was also used to, 'Oh, you're this, you're that, you're this, th-that.'"
(No idea what she's getting at here, but the crackiness is in effect. I don't think you can really grasp the greatness of this one without a visual, soooooo . . . )

1. "The fashion world is a small pinacle in the hemisphere of what really's going on in the world."
(It doesn't matter what you say, as long as your words are big. I love how Tyra cuts her off, like, "Please. Stop. Even I'm too smart to buy that.")

"Pinnacle."

So where does this leave us? Who won? No one really. Tyra may be better spoken and full of somewhat useful ideas, but when you get down to it, both of 'em got weaves to scratch:

Not so different at all!

At times, it was a total meeting of the minds: Tyra confessed that her fierce rivalry with Naomi inspired her to create ANTM. "I will never be what [the feud] represented, and I went 100 percent against that." Right, because petty, fierce rivalry has no place on ANTM. Yeah, Adrianne banged a Brady, but ain't no sunshine day ever in that house.

Even though Naomi had her share of snide faces, it was really an amicable meeting -- things even turned touching when Naomi apologized for the past and told Tyra (after their initial confrontation, when the audience had been brought out) that she was proud of Tyra's status as a powerful black woman and that Tyra should keep doing what she's doing. That made Tyra cry (she said that up to that point, she felt Naomi hadn't owned up to anything, which she really hadn't). And then Naomi cried!

We all know how much Tyra loves making girls cry. Major, major score.

But also, Naomi was allowed to hawk her perfume, which kind of made the reason for the appearance dubious.

Of course, since all of this was done in the name of the sisterhood of the traveling couture (Tyra took the opportunity to use this as an example for girls to get over their petty shit), there was plenty of girl-on-girl action throughout:

They almost look like real girls!

Also, it's probably much easier to embrace someone who's now five dress sizes away from posing a major threat. Just sayin'.

Anyway, capping everything off was a runway showdown, in which Tyra imitated Naomi's walk . . .

. . . and Naomi imitated Tyra's.

It was a drag queen's wet dream.

Oh, and then Tyra took out a machete . . .

. . . and cut Naomi's head off.

That was the best part.

Things that make you go hmmmm . . .

Tuesday's episode of The Tyra Banks Show hit the premiere's three-ring heights, thanks to the pervasive theme: Victoria's Secret shilling boobs. My three favorite things (besides the introduction of the concept of "bra makeovers") from the breastisode were . . .

1. Anna Nicole!

I was really hoping that they'd wrestle for the title of Campiest Camp That Ever Camped (And Had No Self-Awareness While It Did), but no such luck. It was all about the breastessess. Awesomely, as soon as Anna Nicole sat down, Tyra started grilling her about her rack. In response, the reliably clueless Anna Nicole went, "Did you bring me here for implants?" The audience, Tyra, everybody chuckled, as if to say, "As if!" But, of course, that's exactly why she was there.

It was a meeting of the minds, which is to say a hazy marble-mouthed interview. Listen to Anna explain her multiple surgeries here. While that's articulate enough to stand on its own, here's a pictorial illustrating the "erk"s"

"Erk"

"Errk"

"Errrk."

2. Since it was a breastisode, Tyra kept it so real by being felt up and ultrasounded to prove there was no silicone or saline keeping her buoyant (yesterday's news). She flopped around with vigor.

3. She interviewed Ricardo Antonio Chavira and was all over him. At one point she said "I didn't know you were Mexican," and then nervously muttered, "You fine." She made him stay past his interview segment and watch this bra fashion show and she got all dirty-old-man during the course, like, "Whadda ya thinka those knockers?!?" Also, she couldn't keep her hands off him. I've documented each time she touched him in the collage below. Note that even though the last three appear to be one long groping session, each touch occurred at separate intervals, with hand-lifting in between.

Have they been spotted out together yet?

Note: I'm not trying to turn fourfour into a Tyra! Tyra! Tyra! affair, but as you can see, I'm going through a slight obsession. I honestly wouldn't have posted about this show again if it didn't tickle me with its boobs. There is no need to worry: Tyra is not, repeat, not the new Whitney. I think that makes her a little misty.