So, I appreciate all the love people give me for these recaps, but I think it's pretty clear that my success wholly depends on my source material. That's why I beg of you to not hold the wackness of the first part of this recap against me. It's the show's fault.
Episode 5 opens with BK asking Tommy to take her to the mall to pick up Whit's Mother's Day present. She already has the gift picked out and it's already paid for, she just has to go get it. I don't believe that. What I do believe is that this show is suffering from staged sickness. And it's not even interesting in its falseness. From now on, we'll call this boring reality-show bullshit condition skenecia. Luckily it's just a minor bout and as BK finds out her aunt already picked up the gift (uh, whatever), we at least get to see her attacking an ice cream cone that's roughly the size of her head.
The real action starts as Bobby announces that he and Whitney will be taking care of his sister's children. This conflicts with the Mother's Day weekend at Château Élan he had planned for Whitney. Just when Bobby's starting to sniffle from the skenecia, a protesting Whitney is responsible for the episode's first base hit.
Yay! She brought it back. I was afraid her, "Hell naw"s had replaced it. Apparently, "Hell to the no" is used for emphasis. Anyway, as long as there are lots of kids going, Whitney's not doing this todaaaaaaay. "That's not Mother's Day, that's like Hell Day," she says. Even though she's totally jumping all over the opportunity to be a bitch, she's kind of right.
Bobby tells the off-camera Whit to get her ass dressed. I like the idea of Whitney wearing buttless pants. Whit continues being difficult because now she actually has a reason to be that way and she's going to milk it. Bobby continues to nag her about getting dressed and Whit unleashes some admirable defiance.
Bobby gets Whit in the car and they drive to the resort. When they arrive, Whitney's still protesting.
Whit gets out of the car, and Bobby comments:
Welcome to my world, Bobby. You must just be tuning in.
After parking the car, he yields.
Haha, like it's going to be that easy. Whit promises, "You're gonna hear [about] this for the rest of the fucking year." She means the rest of the fucking episode. It just feels like a year.
Whitney tells Bobby, "I'm tired of being last on your list." See, she does try to resist it (as first conveyed in "Saving All My Love for You"). "I'm tired," she continues. "It's not right." But it's OK, as we're about to see.
Up in the hotel room, Whitney and Bobby trade predictably skewed philosophies on what Mother's Day means. "You're supposed to get away from your kids, not bring 'em witchoo!" says Whitney. Really? "That's what Mother's Day is for, y'know?" counters Bobby quietly enough so that only the camera crew can hear him. "Feel like a mother." He seems a little more on the mark, though I'm not sure you're supposed to intensify the motherhood experience with other people's children.
Bobby tells Whitney he's going to take her dancing. This is what he means:
The lame band plays smooth jazz and Whitney's touched (again, reminding us of "Saving All My Love for You"). She observes:
Why isn't she doing these recaps? Anyway, all those things Bobby had planned? They're over.
"Just be." Says Whit. Finally someone who gets it!
Commercials and then Bobby voiceovers: "It's Mother's Day." Sorry, what was that? I totally missed it.
Bobby drives a golf cart, running a stop sign and being called a "retard" by BK. When Whit meets up with them, they bicker.
He announces he'll be cooking for Whit. "Do you have to?" Yes, he does. It's in the script. It's the thought that counts, but I think that deal is null and void when the thought is, "This will make good TV!" Anyway, culinary hilarity ensues.
Whitney leaves without so much as kissing Bobby. She didn't want to catch skenecia. He takes the opportunity to golf unssucessfully . . .
. . . and race . . .
Uh, show? I know you want to appeal to everyone you possibly can, but I'd like to speak for the gays by saying that if you're going to present us things as sexless as golf and as straight-boy as car racing, can you at least balance it with high-camp Whitney antics? Particularly those involving her ranting. And wearing things on her head. Not those involving this:
Boring! Later, Whit meets everyone by the pool. She's definitely come a long way since that MJ-concert/near-death-experience . . .
Seriously. I'm glad she, y'know, eats and all. But yo, her body's weird. I mean, can you blame people for wondering if she's preggers?
Regardless, nothing's coming between her and her Newports.
After the pool, we find out that Whitney's just a girl who's scared sometimes, who isn't always strong.
"They're like, y'know, jumpin' and playin' and the water's splashin'," she elaborates. I bet they're more scared of her than she is of them.
The episode closes at a picnic.
Finally, Whitney's happy pills kick in.
Bobby asks what Whit, BK and B Jr. thought of the weekend. "We enjoyed it," enthuses Whit. "I had a great time. Can we do this for the anniversary every year?" Uh, I guess they cut out all that enjoying footage. Whit's so gone that she invites the previously maligned nieces, nephews, Tommy and Pop (I didn't know he was there!) to join them. Riiiight.
This week's faces of death:
Also, my favorite motif this episode was raggedy Whitney thwarting Bobby's every attempt at affection. Do not take her across the river. Do not take her behind a tree. Do not work her over.
Next week, hello operator . . .
. . . if you disconnect me, Bobby will cut off your behind.
Can't wait!
Seriously. I thought I knew funny before I knew your site but, um, no. .
You. are. hysterical!
Much love.
Posted by: A. James | July 22, 2005 at 02:18 PM
I am so glad you do these recaps; since I'm at work for like 16 hours a day I feel like I miss out on so much good TV. Hopefully they'll put this shit on DVD, soon.
Posted by: Kevin | July 22, 2005 at 03:55 PM
If they don't, I have your back.
Posted by: Rich | July 22, 2005 at 04:06 PM
God Bless you, God bless everyone!!!
Funny stuff, funny stuff
Posted by: Patmos | July 22, 2005 at 06:42 PM
I take it they spend ALL their time in expensive hotels. Haven't they a crib of their own, in some 'hood?
Posted by: dooku | July 22, 2005 at 08:08 PM
This episode was boring. I'm surprised you were able to do this recap. And can we see their house now? The hotel settings are getting boring too. I need more excitement, and it looks like it'll happen next week (Bobby trying to track down Whitney!).
Posted by: a. | July 22, 2005 at 08:33 PM
OMG, I LOVE U!!
Posted by: Ian | July 24, 2005 at 01:24 AM
just like a car crash...going really really slow...i can't look away. and there better be one of those "behind the scenes" thing when this show is done cause you know there's some good ish that we're missing.
faithfully yours, because crack is wack,
voodoo
Posted by: Voodoo | July 24, 2005 at 02:31 AM
Thanks so much for sharing my obsession with "Being Whitney's Bitch". Your recaps are brilliant.
Posted by: georgia | July 24, 2005 at 02:56 PM
That was hilarious. I have avoided the show, but now I am thinking that I need to catch the reruns! Poor Whitney, so tragic!
Posted by: duane | July 25, 2005 at 02:51 PM
I can't believe Whitney smokes! Urgh. This is why she almost fell sangin' I Believe In You And Me/I Will Always Love You at the World Music Awards! But I tried giving her the god dang benefit of the doubt but if she just gon' ruin herself like this!! Ugh.
PS Her at Michael Jackson's Anniversary Concert, I know you know about the blurring, right? Shame.
Posted by: Joshua | July 27, 2005 at 06:16 PM