Reloaded or retarded?

The broadcast of this year's MTV Video Music Awards didn't include the best category of all: Douchebag of the Night. Let's fix that.

Here are the nominees for Douchebag of the Night:

While I admire R. Kelly's unabashedness in his mic-free lip synching of "Trapped in the Closet, Pt. 3" and then the brand-new "Trapped in the Closet, Pt. 6," watching this meant enduring another fucking "Closet" chapter. I really had hoped he would get distracted before he had the chance to produce chapters 6-10. I'm all about camp and "Closet" is actually my favorite type of camp in one respect (I enjoy ambiguity of intention -- in other words, when "Closet" is fun, it's because it's impossible to tell just how aware of its ridiculousness Robert is). But more than fun, "Closet" is mind-numbingly tedious -- asking me to follow underdeveloped manifestations of R. Kelly's malnourished psyche from bedroom to bedroom, while introducing more and a more of these manifestations every step of the way, is too much to ask. Plus, y'know, the storytelling isn't exactly compelling (sample lyric from "Closet 6": "Then Cathy says, 'Rufus.' Rufus says, 'Cathy.' Chuck says, 'Rufus.' Rufus says, 'Chuck'..."). From piss to douche, it's been a long way down for Robert.

Providing stiff competition was the show's host, Diddy, who seems so socially deficient, it's amazing that he's gotten as far as he has. Just about every time he opened his mouth, just about every time he moved, he embarrassed himself. So instead of naming all of those things, we'll focus on the times he didn't even have to open his mouth to reveal his schmuckiness:

Even better:

And by "God," he means "Diddy."

Our last nominee Common showed off his not-so-funky-fresh feeling with a "freestyle" rap that revealed his enlightened artiste image like never before. You can listen to this most recent example of Common's eternal lameness here, but I'm going to transcribe it as well, because things like this always reveal about 10 times more stupidity when they're all spelled out.

"In Miami: In Miami onstage wit my man Johnny Knox / Freestylin' while millions of people watch / At the VMAs I gotta let the verse spray / I ain't 50 Cent but, bitch, it's your birfday / I walk the streets of South Beach [fucks up] I walk the streets of South Beach wit' a limp / Thinking it's hard out here for a pimp /  But wit' my video "Testify," I'ma soon plan / Next year I'ma be walkin' wit' a moon man." Happy birthday to me! Also, I really hope him the best of luck in his pursuit of an incredibly important Video Music Award. I know that receiving one would be really cosmic and deep and worth busting out the crocheted pants for.

As you can see, Douchebag of the night is a very tight category. I hate to be obvious, but I gotta go with the frontrunner:

Thank god we have a funnyman like this to fill Dave Chappelle's void.

Comments

I'm so glad you mentioned this freak! What the HELL was that spectacle all about?? I was embarrassed just watching him!

[Michael]

That R. Kelly business was easily the lamest shit I've seen in a very long time. It was like watching my nieces and nephews do their annual Thanksgiving skit show, only now they seem freaking INSPIRED by comparison. I cringed.

[Michael]

I kept thinking that this show looked like stuff they rejected at Cirque de Soleil.

You think he could have at least PRETENDED he was singing live. Well, I at least have to give him credit for having the balls to go out there, undeniably lip synch and look like a total jackass while apparently not caring at all how idiotic he looked. I guess if I were making money off of the stupidest song ever recorded, I might not care either. His "performance" reminded me of the commercials I see for those low rent touring black musicals like "Younger Man, Older Woman" starring Millie Jackson. Can "Older Man, Preteen Girl" starring R be far behind?

[Rich]

That is brilliant. Someone get Tyler Perry on the phone.

[Joshua]

I say, R., keep the "Closets" coming! "Hip-Hop"era is a guilty pleasure.

PS, Please talk about Mariah Carey and the gay man (me) who died in disappointment.

[Tipsy McStaggers]

I want to nominate myself as your beard shoudl the need ever arise - you are the funniest ever!! My sister and I have a game called "douchebag or dicklick" - a dicklick is more of an intentional asshole, while a douchebag is just, well, a douche. We played it last night over hte phone while watching the VMA's and had a blast - we agreed with you mostly, but I think "Diddy" is on the fence as far as being a dicklick.

[amy]

I was trying very hard to explain Trapped in the Closet, to a friend. Needless o say, I could not come up with the words. Thank you so much for commentary on the funniest video(s) ever.

[Kimmie]

My poor husband was just confused by R. Kelly. He thought it was perhaps a spoof. Poor man, now he's just walking around with a really strange look on his face. He asked me who actually purchased that shit. I had no answers for him, it is indeed a strange world we live in.

[Bobby]

The whole VMA show was a HUGE waste of time, except for Mariah's mere presence. Or Maybe at my advanced age of 25, i'm just getting too appreciate this mess.

i eat shit

[Ice'es]

yall really need to quit hatin. that Trapped in the Closet stuff is off the hook. R. Kelly need to keep em comin. dont hate, appreciate!

[Jorge]

I Have To Agree With Ice'es Stop Hating This Song (Or Songs/Soap Oprea) Is The Best Stuff I Have ever Herad Stop Hating Whatever Happened To "Innoncent Till Proven Guilty"

[trey]

dd he KILL hiss wife

[ms_nycole]

Yall need to stop putting R. Kelly's name in the dirt because No Matter how much bad he do or What he do people still buy his music so stop tripping. He not losing no money off of one person NOR two so find something else better to do with your time.

[Girl]

Hmm..
Your bloggings are great, I've just started my own blog too.

[Ybhlqjog]

20mhk6

[discount phentermine no prescription needed]

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

[phentermine no prescription ship overnight]

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

[christian louboutin]

You're a braver woman than I it was weeks before I could even begin to think about looking at the incisions from my lap. Even now I don't like to touch them.

They're...squishy.

[Health News]

Thank you for introducing me the wonderful information.And .....Totally boring.!

[Skip]

GZ8alN That's not just the best answer. It's the bestest answer!

[christian louboutin]

This post has been somewhat of a revelation to me.

[authentic air jordan shoes]

That is brilliant. Someone get Tyler Perry on the phone.