You better weep

Welcome to the official start of fourfour's ANTM coverage. Instead of doing blow-by-blow recaps, which will be done extremely well at Television Without Pity and (I think) TVgasm and which would inevitably have me packing my bags (y'all) for an institution mid-season (I'm still making up for the sleep I lost at the gnarled hands of Whit and Bobby), I've devised another way to cover the show: the America's Next Top Model Rolling Crying Count. Since Tyra's (fierce!) emotional manipulation and editing suggests that a model must be ready to blubber at a moment's notice, I'll be documenting the tear-shed every step of the way. Beyond the considerable mock factor, I'm legitimately interested in how many instances of crying bitches we can rack up by the cycle's end. And since ANTM is camp-drama in a modeling competition's designer-impostor garb, it seems only appropriate to focus our gaze on emotional outpouring.

A few notes on what constitutes a notch in the tally: basically, it's up to my case-by-case discretion. Since ANTM is as counterfeit as it wants to be, fake crying counts as long as effort is put into it (I don't need to see actual tears, but I need serious facial contorting and voice warbling). Multiple instances of the same girl crying in the same scene over the same thing will not count (i.e. if Sarah bites one of her absurdly gigantic lips and makes herself cry during the course of a scene and then we cut to a confessional in which Sarah recounts the pain and cries about it all over again, that counts as one cry).

Without further babbling, I present to you the crying bitches of the two-hour ANTM Cycle 5 premiere:

1. Lisa

Revealing difficult past at the hands of mother is the second-most effective way to melt Tyra's heart (the first is ribs, obv.).

2. Regina

Finds out she made the semifinal cut and proves her worth entirely through tears.

3. Bre

More semifinal emotion -- acceptance-as-catharsis anguish.

4. Loser Girl #1

Didn't make the cut and neither did her pain.

5. Susanna

Oh, Susanna.

6. Latricia

Tyra bit her fist when she realized how far 'Tricia would go to emote. Her willingness to get physical makes her a shoe-in for a Cycle 6 comeback. Remember her name.

7. Loser Girl #2

Another unnamed un-semifinalist can't let go.

8. Regina

Beginning to show signs of tour-de-force potential in her one-on-one with Tyra.

9. Nicole

Wrecked-n-effective.

10. Ebony

Tears bling like ice.

11. Bre

Loving Bre, I cried along as the made the final cut. Except I knew she was going to anyway because I've been following this shit's promo offerings for over a month. But whatever, Bre for president!

12. Coryn

She needed this 1-in-13 chance for a modeling contract and guaranteed humiliation.

13. Diane

Chosen and unleashing her hungry eyes.

14. & 15. Losers #3 & #4

Teamwork: there's no "I" in "cry."

16. Regina

All the lost potential: Regina coulda really been a boon to this tally.

17. Loser #5

Tyra was delighted that this one cried some of her makeup off.

18. Nicole

A twist on stay-at-home apparel and emotion.

19. Bre

Icy-hot Bre talks like a truck driver and weeps like a baby. She is a star.

20. Sarah

Bottom 2 blues.

21. Ashley

Her eye puffiness said volumes more than her insistence that she wasn't going to cry after being the first eliminated finalist.

Note that the first hour, which concentrated on the semifinal rounds, was a geyser of tears -- entries 1-18 came from that portion (obviously, the greater number of girls and recurring eliminations have a lot to do with that). The second hour -- the first proper episode, really -- was surprisingly light. I'm hoping it's just a matter simmering bitchiness and forthcoming faux-injury, lest the Crying Count fail to illustrate ANTM's ridiculousness. If Tyra doesn't bring the emotion, I'ma call my girl Janice to help me set TyTy's weave on fire.

And speaking of Janice, I have some random notes (which will accompany the CC each week):

1. Twiggy sucks a little.

Too fair and polite -- if you're going to judge something this absurd, you gotta bring the nonsense. I really thought I was weaned off Janice's non sequiturs after her Surreal Life obnoxiousness. But I miss that bitch SO MUCH. Twiggy is seemingly honest, but waaaay too articulate about her opinion, dammitt!

Oh, and she laughs too much. Look, here she goes again:

Shut it, Twig.

2. I know I said mean things about Diane's genitalia in my run-down of the first ANTM commercials, but anyone who starts a sentence with, "Because I'm so bootylicious . . ." gets my approval. Love her.

3. Jay Manuel is vomit.

Uh, no thanks. Really.

4. J. Alexander is not. Among his talents is a mean impression of Coryn:

5. Nate Dogg is a hip-hop icon (Coryn™)

6. More evidence of Tyra's genetic makeup (her Quee.N.A., if you will)?

7. Lisa kinda rules.

8. Sarah says she's never met a "full-blown lesbian," proving her brain is as bee-stung as her lips.

8.5. Also? Homegirl can't walk.

9. Girls the girls they love out-n-proud Kim. Can you blame them? She is fine. Seriously, I want to her to have my gay babies.

Love how lezzie she's making things!

10. If Tyra ever requests that you put on a happy face, ignore her!

Comments

[nicole]

I've only seen this show a couple times, but it's amazing how these fugly chicks think they have a shot at being supermodels! Seriously, all of the pics you posted were oogly. They might be weepers, but they obviously have supernatural (delusional)self-confidence.

[nOva]

You're gonna have me booted out of the office for laughing so hard. Check out my impressions when you get a chance.

[brandy]

Im so happy your doing this....I missed a bit of it last night..I cant wait until next week when they get their makeovers!!!
LOTS of crying in the previews!

[Carly]

Oh God, how I miss Janice. Twiggy is far too nice -- and yes, enough with that laugh! -- and I think Miss J is trying too hard to fill the bitch gap. BTW, where is Nole Marin and his ever-present Pomeranian accessory?

Any thoughts on who's going to win? I like Kim, but she'll be out. I also like Jayla, but she'll be out too. Right now I'm betting it'll be between Lisa if she gets the attitude in check and Ebony.

[jeremy]

best line from last night's show?
"i just wanna take off my shoes and throw up!"

[Rich]

Jeremy OTM. I really, honestly thought about working that in.

Carly -- Nole was canned when Janice was (from what I understand, Janice wanted more money, didn't get it and left; Nole was just given a pink slip, which is fine by me).

As far as a winner, my gut says Bre. I'm saying she's at least Top 3. Coryn's hard-luck story should take her far and I want Kim in my life for as long as possible. The dykedrama that the preview tells me will kick off next week bodes well for her future.

[keith karz aka Manhattan Offender]

My biggest revelation was finding out that Jay is 6'1" (on the Tyra Banks Show earlier that day). I had always sort of seen him as 5'4" or so. Not that it excuses that hair in any way.

[Kat in da Hat]

This is awesome.

[Joshua]

OHMG is Susanna Asian? Cuz she sho' is ugly. I don't want the two to be a possible candidate for stereotypical correlation. Coryn's eyebrows are so Puerto Rican hollaback girl from when Spike Lee used to make relevant movies. Jay got a nosejob in Thailand.

[Sabrina]

The best is Nate Dogg "the hip hop icon". Really? According to who...Tyra???

[Kristin H.]

Rich-I thought I heard things wrong when Sarah used the term "full-blown lesbian"! It's not a disease! How the hell did she get on there anyway? She's ugly and can't walk. Janice would have tore her up! I hate Janice, but, God do I miss her! I totally feel what you're saying about Twiggy...lame!

[Senhor Made In Brazil]

Damn... I am so adding you to my blogroll right now! I had to devote the first hour to my beloved Martha Stewart but I just couldn't resist the second hour of this drama. Now what about that freaking spray tan that Jay has going on? The dude looks like a carrot... And I am not even going to start with the hair! I sure hope that J. Alexander makes up for all the Britishness that came with Twiggy!

[Candicissima]

"My biggest revelation was finding out that Jay is 6'1" (on the Tyra Banks Show earlier that day). I had always sort of seen him as 5'4" or so. Not that it excuses that hair in any way."

He is huge! (And so is Nigel. I ran into them both at a party.) He's seriously fake baked to an inch of his life and with hair shellacked into place. Walking Ken doll action in full effect.

[Charlie]

This is the single best recap of ANTM I've ever seen. I will definitely be back.

[Carly]

Jay is 6'1?! With lifts, maybe.

[Hamilton]

I'm loving this season already. They should just do away with the "next model" nonsense and call the show what it really is: America's Most Humorous Fashion Humiliations!

[uhno]

bre is cute, u people are crazy

[Kate, Age 27]

I miss Janice Dickinson SO much my tear ducts ache.

[LA]

I miss Janice too! Now who's gonna be mean to the "plus-size" girl? That was like Janice's forte.

And I totally want to make out with Kim. I'd be a fullblown lesbian for her.

[Ian]

Don't get it twisted.

snap.

snap.

P.S. What the hell was up with the straight 5 minutes of Models Ravenously Eating Cup Of Soup? Noooot attractive....can't wait for them damn makeovers

[anom]

I am good friends with Kim. She will be in your life for a while...she is in the third to last model. Wish her luck!

[B.]

So missed Janice but still loved the show. Love Kim, scared of Cassandra. Do you think there's a dead pagent contestant out there somewhere? That serial killer comment was bizzare -- and probably very revealing. Maybe she'll freak out on the whiny North Dakota chic and be carried out of the house in restraints. Now that would be good television.

[Big Fan]

Gotta love weepy Sarah for healing her bruised ego with a make-out session with Lisa. Gotta love Lisa's come back "One down, eleven to go." Gotta love Ashley getting the boot after being such a bitch to Lisa.

[Abbie]

I saw an interview tonight where Janice was talking about Kate Moss's drama. Her face was so completely botoxed her eyes looked poofier than Winston's.

[Genevieve]

Whooooo! The pics of that girl not walking right made me laugh out loud!