You better weep

Welcome to the official start of fourfour's ANTM coverage. Instead of doing blow-by-blow recaps, which will be done extremely well at Television Without Pity and (I think) TVgasm and which would inevitably have me packing my bags (y'all) for an institution mid-season (I'm still making up for the sleep I lost at the gnarled hands of Whit and Bobby), I've devised another way to cover the show: the America's Next Top Model Rolling Crying Count. Since Tyra's (fierce!) emotional manipulation and editing suggests that a model must be ready to blubber at a moment's notice, I'll be documenting the tear-shed every step of the way. Beyond the considerable mock factor, I'm legitimately interested in how many instances of crying bitches we can rack up by the cycle's end. And since ANTM is camp-drama in a modeling competition's designer-impostor garb, it seems only appropriate to focus our gaze on emotional outpouring.

A few notes on what constitutes a notch in the tally: basically, it's up to my case-by-case discretion. Since ANTM is as counterfeit as it wants to be, fake crying counts as long as effort is put into it (I don't need to see actual tears, but I need serious facial contorting and voice warbling). Multiple instances of the same girl crying in the same scene over the same thing will not count (i.e. if Sarah bites one of her absurdly gigantic lips and makes herself cry during the course of a scene and then we cut to a confessional in which Sarah recounts the pain and cries about it all over again, that counts as one cry).

Without further babbling, I present to you the crying bitches of the two-hour ANTM Cycle 5 premiere:

1. Lisa

Revealing difficult past at the hands of mother is the second-most effective way to melt Tyra's heart (the first is ribs, obv.).

2. Regina

Finds out she made the semifinal cut and proves her worth entirely through tears.

3. Bre

More semifinal emotion -- acceptance-as-catharsis anguish.

4. Loser Girl #1

Didn't make the cut and neither did her pain.

5. Susanna

Oh, Susanna.

6. Latricia

Tyra bit her fist when she realized how far 'Tricia would go to emote. Her willingness to get physical makes her a shoe-in for a Cycle 6 comeback. Remember her name.

7. Loser Girl #2

Another unnamed un-semifinalist can't let go.

8. Regina

Beginning to show signs of tour-de-force potential in her one-on-one with Tyra.

9. Nicole

Wrecked-n-effective.

10. Ebony

Tears bling like ice.

11. Bre

Loving Bre, I cried along as the made the final cut. Except I knew she was going to anyway because I've been following this shit's promo offerings for over a month. But whatever, Bre for president!

12. Coryn

She needed this 1-in-13 chance for a modeling contract and guaranteed humiliation.

13. Diane

Chosen and unleashing her hungry eyes.

14. & 15. Losers #3 & #4

Teamwork: there's no "I" in "cry."

16. Regina

All the lost potential: Regina coulda really been a boon to this tally.

17. Loser #5

Tyra was delighted that this one cried some of her makeup off.

18. Nicole

A twist on stay-at-home apparel and emotion.

19. Bre

Icy-hot Bre talks like a truck driver and weeps like a baby. She is a star.

20. Sarah

Bottom 2 blues.

21. Ashley

Her eye puffiness said volumes more than her insistence that she wasn't going to cry after being the first eliminated finalist.

Note that the first hour, which concentrated on the semifinal rounds, was a geyser of tears -- entries 1-18 came from that portion (obviously, the greater number of girls and recurring eliminations have a lot to do with that). The second hour -- the first proper episode, really -- was surprisingly light. I'm hoping it's just a matter simmering bitchiness and forthcoming faux-injury, lest the Crying Count fail to illustrate ANTM's ridiculousness. If Tyra doesn't bring the emotion, I'ma call my girl Janice to help me set TyTy's weave on fire.

And speaking of Janice, I have some random notes (which will accompany the CC each week):

1. Twiggy sucks a little.

Too fair and polite -- if you're going to judge something this absurd, you gotta bring the nonsense. I really thought I was weaned off Janice's non sequiturs after her Surreal Life obnoxiousness. But I miss that bitch SO MUCH. Twiggy is seemingly honest, but waaaay too articulate about her opinion, dammitt!

Oh, and she laughs too much. Look, here she goes again:

Shut it, Twig.

2. I know I said mean things about Diane's genitalia in my run-down of the first ANTM commercials, but anyone who starts a sentence with, "Because I'm so bootylicious . . ." gets my approval. Love her.

3. Jay Manuel is vomit.

Uh, no thanks. Really.

4. J. Alexander is not. Among his talents is a mean impression of Coryn:

5. Nate Dogg is a hip-hop icon (Coryn™)

6. More evidence of Tyra's genetic makeup (her Quee.N.A., if you will)?

7. Lisa kinda rules.

8. Sarah says she's never met a "full-blown lesbian," proving her brain is as bee-stung as her lips.

8.5. Also? Homegirl can't walk.

9. Girls the girls they love out-n-proud Kim. Can you blame them? She is fine. Seriously, I want to her to have my gay babies.

Love how lezzie she's making things!

10. If Tyra ever requests that you put on a happy face, ignore her!

Comments

Is it just me or does Lisa remind you of Sandra Bernhardt?!

[Rich]

AND Peaches AND Rosario Dawson. She's a girlstew, that one.

[Eric]

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2005/04/americas_next_t.html

[stokes]

they're crying b/c they're hungry.

[Sarah]

I would switch teams for kim in an instant. I was attracted to her from the start.

[Bijou]

Am I the only one who thinks Cassandra's brow ridge rivals any Neanderthal's? I don't like her but the serial killer comment had me crackin' up.. that was dope. I hope it was a head-fake for her competition and not true..but wouldn't the show be so much better if it were true? Also, Coryn reminds me of Xiomara from an earlier season (2nd?). I think they're both fugly!

[Leah]

"Gotta love weepy Sarah for healing her bruised ego with a make-out session with Lisa. Gotta love Lisa's come back "One down, eleven to go." Gotta love Ashley getting the boot after being such a bitch to Lisa." - Big Fan

It wasn't Lisa, it was Kim.

[Jeanette]

I think Coryn is pretty in a strange kind of way. Diana is pretty, latina and plus size and so am I so I'm rooting for her. I am so glad Sarah is gone she really made me go yuch!!!! everytime I saw her. She is not cute and she seems very confused about life.

[Jeanette]

Lisa seems like she's on cocaine or something that makes her very twitchy.

youre now it honney veel geluk is het in spanje hoor grappje hahaha nee serieus niet

[Emmily Harrison]

I know that they are models from past cycles but I had to finally get this off my chest. I feel that Ya-ya and Bre from the one after her should have won. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with Eva, she's just as beautiful but Ya-ya was more model to me. Everybody talked about her attitude but it was her persona and she was alright with me. Now when Bre went home, I was upset and on top of her going home, they had Nicole's ugly self at as the winner. She was not the prettiest or the most model like to me. I don't know what they seen in her. Oh well, my girls still doing their thang and I ain't mad at em'.

[regh]

oh!
its amazing
i really like
kim...
she so great!
im regh!
from philippines
i like
america's next top model
i cannot sleep
if i dont watch
it...
i want to be
a model too
hope my dream
will come true

whowyeah!!

God Bless

[Dajon Jackson]

I think you should blog tyra to have ANTMM americas next top male model

[Fkslsvwd]

qB18Cf

[order phentermine pills]

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

[pedal go kart china]

Everything, from your description of doing stir fry right (I love the assassination simile!), to this recipe, has my mouth watering!

[Dilip]

Unfortunately, when in the past I have wanted a job oosoooo badly, I just knew it was for me badly, I haven't gotten it. In hindsight, there is always some good reason I didn't get the job. It looks less perfect from a distance. So, no, I can't think of an instance where I've gotten my dream job.You on the other hand will do fabulously. You'll ace the interview. Snag your dream job. I wish you luck. My best advice is to do your homework, ask them questions about the job and the company. They like to feel like experts and it'll make conversation flow more easily.