Dude looks eliminated . . .

. . . but dude does not look sad. What was up with the entire panel using Coryn's possible sadness as a reason to boot her? Bitch was sassy, not sad. I mean, do you detect sadness here . . .

. . . here . . .

. . . or here?

She didn't even cry after elimination! She was, in fact, jubilant.

What a weirdo. I'll miss her possible penis, though.

And, at the same time, it is nice to see a gracious loser. The only thing nicer? Starting the show with CRYING. The first shot we see is of . . .

42. Nik

Forget what I said last week: beauty through crying is totally possible.

Hot! Oh, it should be noted that Nik is crying over last week's elimination of Diane. You'll remember that she already cried over this in the last episode, but whatever. It's a new day for the rest of us.

43. Lisa

Lisa freaks out about being widely disliked, while Bre, angel that she is, offers her toilet paper as consolation.

44. Kyle

Kyle cries at almost every elimination and she's never even been in the Bottom 2. She is playing to win.

45. Tyra

No actual tears, but Tyra swore they were there after watching Lisa's mock deodorant commercial in which Lisa confessed that she tells herself she's beautiful everyday. Touched by delusion?

And speaking of that, the Tyraism of the week goes one more to incorporate willful lying. Apparently, Tyra thinks that if she spouts statistics, no one will notice that she totally made them up. Listen here and try to resist repeatedly hitting your head against the keyboard.

"Ninety-eight percent of models smoke or have smoked. And it is something that they do to keep their weight off . . . (UPN chop job) . . . and my grandmom died of lung cancer at 50. But, y'know, if you wanna just get superficial and talk about modeling, this . . .

. . . career will be cut in half because of smoking. And it's not too easy to quit, because my addiction is food and fattening food, so if somebody's like, 'A model's life will be cut in half, Tyra, by eating,' I ain't gon' put down the Twinkie, y'know what I mean? Not that easily."

That's right, Tyra, hold on to the Twinkie. Also, if 98 percent of models smoke, and their careers are "cut in half," is that half based on the duration of the career lives of the remaining two percent? And, in fact, what model didn't smoke? Linda? Naomi? Claudia? Shut up.

That said, it was extremely tempting to name this recap "To Smoke and Have Smoked."

And now, the biggest news of the week: I like Twiggy.

She was totally herself, boring boring boring, until she unleashed this insane ramble. Listen! She gets all kindsa Ozzy on that one, and no doubt benefits from sound editing (the quote starts, "Sing-songy!" which is as good a way to start a sentence as any I've ever heard). She sounds like she's been drinking, which I think viewers of previous seasons can attest makes for some great judging. The bottle is your friend, Twig!

And she's not the only one steaming this cycle's trainwreck factor.

1. Lisa is out of her fucking mind.

I mean, really, what the fuck?

Poor dejected Lisa talks to a tree she's dubbed Cousin It.

She admitted to Tyra that her vice is wine. Tyra asked her if she was a wino and she said yes. She admitted to being a wino! As in, "I am a wino!"

I know people say she's annoying, but that's her charm! I am, however, afraid for what's gonna happen after the manic spell ends. Get out your bell jars.

2. While Lisa spazzed, Jayla unraveled with a confessional reminiscent of Elyse's big tirade in Cycle 1. If only she'd dubbed her newly formed nemesis Nik a "shit slice."

And then when it became clear that Nik was to be in the Bottom 2, Jayla could barely contain her glee.

3. Meanwhile, Nik painted. With watercolors. In a plastic case.

I think her picture says, "I love you," but I wish it said, "I love unicorns."

4. The degradation continues! To train in the art of beauty-aid spokesmodeling, the girls were forced to smear food on their faces.

Is bukkake-esque a word?

5. Iman showed up to shill the just-released "book" that she ""wrote."" I refuse to reprise the commercial, but I do feel the need to prove it.

Also? Iman is insane. Her adamance about skincare was intimidating.

"It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that skin," she said. Is she referencing Duke Ellington? Is that some half-retarded mnemonic device?

6. I don't even want to know what kind of night Ms. Jay must have had to look like this the next day:

7. Naima makes me sad like disabled people make me sad.

8. In happier news, I think I might have a chance with Bre!

"You got beautiful eyes. I think I got a crush on you," she told Entertainment Tonight's Ryan Devlin. So she totally likes gay white guys. This is awesome.

Further insight into Bre's sexuality: her "secret" she revealed in the mock Secret (har har) commercial was, "I like men's underwear." And by that I think she means she likes men's underwear. And I think that makes her a transvestite.

I could get into that.

9. Someone at Tyra's other show got some sense.

Compare that to what they used to call that segment:

Ha! Diane, of course, was on this week. She's still boring (my apologies to her cousin).

10. What the fuck is wrong with Tyra?

No really -- please tell me if you know.

Comments

[gayest neil]

Ms. Jay. FOR REAL, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HER BEFORE PANEL? I bet Tyra jumped her behind the studio.

Crystal Waters, sing it girl:
"The winds are blowing every morning
just to do Ms. Jay's hair now
cause she cares you all"

For real. I did a classic "Ms. Jay double-take" when I saw Ms. Jay on panel! And that damn corsage. I kept hoping they were live flowers so they'd rot over the course of the show, thus at the end Ms. J would have a putrid Miss Habersham corsage/monstrosity attached to her blouse. Alas, I bet she bought them at Michaels.

And yeah, poor, poor Naima. This girl needs a guest appearance in a John Waters movie and fast!

Is it me or does the panel seem to have less and less patience with the visiting judges?

I totally hope Tyra starts slipping mood enhancers into Twiggy's Fresca. I bet Twigs did some awesome psychedelics in her day. Let's pray for a flashback.

[Tiger Lilly]

Bre isn't the only one who likes gay white men and mens panties. Sigh. I'm a future self help book.

Ms. Jay looks like someone sweated out his relaxer(clearing throat) and he just didn't have time to make an emergency visit to his stylists.

Why does Naima look...dirty??

[jocelyn]

down with jayla! i hate that bitch. my boyfriend thinks naima needs to shave her forehead.

[Bill]

holy shit... it just dawned on me who coryn looks like... not that this will mean anything to anyone but me...

but she looks EXACTLY like this girl I used to work with...

[avi]

i swear i thought kim would go because of how they probably secretly watch the house to see who's giving drama for ratings. i didn't see coryn as hard, just intense, which depending on the shoot would be a good thing. naima was in the bottom 2 once, so nik still could win. jayla was maniacal but i think it was totally fake because she knows drama gets more airtime. i mean how can you be angry at someone because they won't talk to you after you're mean to them?! jayla made lisa look sane. i wish they both had worn the mini flapper feather headbands. my favorite comment though was nigel's on lisa. i think it was "i can't take my eyes off her. but at the same time i can't stand her." true that. bre or kim will go next week i bet.

[Singing]

OMG...I am hollering!! Thanks for the update.

Coryn did leave with dignity...I think she had enough of the bullshit.

Funny blog...Love it!!

[girlhattan]

you'd think they'd pay someone to wax naima's sideburns already.

[Brooke]

This blog is GREAT! I just discovered it this week. Your ANTM recaps are awesome.

Anyway, I had a feeling Coryn was getting the boot this week. I live in Minneapolis, and a friend called me to report on Monday that Coryn was in his Body Pump class at a Minneapolis YWCA. He said she looked less buff and less skinny in person. He would have cornered her to ask about the show, but she left during cool down.

Somebody get Ms. Jay a flat iron, STAT before she has to change her name to Ms. Nappy!

Keep up the excellent blogging!

[Veronica Vinegar]

To make up for my guilt of sitting around for an hour when Momma has shit to do, I devised a way to spend the time "getting beautiful" during the show which means manicure, pedicure, tweezing, application of skin cream, etc. As I was doing it, I was thinking of what you (Rich) must be doing during the show? I imagined you in your underoos taking copious notes as Winnie-doo napped on your lap!

[Rich]

VV -- you don't know how close to the truth you are!

[Carly]

Yes, bukkake-esque is a word. Don't you know that as writers we have the right to invent words? It's fact.

I still say boo on Twiggy, though.

[AKATEN]

Jayla is a loser!!! I love Nik like you love Bre. Jayla stole her line and she's the one who's mad. Someone explain how this could be right! You can't!

Nik is taking the classy mature route of ignoring her and not dealing with her. We all saw what happens when you don't leave people alone who don't like you. That's right! You get called a Bitch...Right, Lisa!
I almost died when that chick was outside drunk talking to a bush! HA!

[Jess]

I think I must be the only one, but I LOVE lisa. I think she is one fantastic drunk riot. "I think the bubbles are owning you, and you're not owning the bubbles." I laughed for like 5 minutes... plus the beeotch knows what she's doing in front of a camera

[Joshua]

Oh I KNOW Jay is not wearing a modified Argyle vest from Abercrombie and Fiatch!! Ew! As if!

[Genevieve]

I don't know about you but I love bubbles!!!
Great recap, I missed the episode :( I think it plays again...I will so have to catch it.

[duane]

I love how crazy Lisa is. Love it!!! And I never thought that Jayla was such a bitch, damn! Kyle is in this to win it, and it shows. I hope she gets this on! I want Nicole GONE ALREADY!!!!!!! Thanks for the recap as always.

[Paco]

I LIVE for this. I can't watch ANTM anymore because my area recently got rid of UPN and replaced it with a Korean soap opera station (yes, I do live in the United States). Bullshit. But your recaps make it all worthwhile.

[erica]

okay I know there is a Ms. Jay adn a Mr. Jay, but the question I got is... is Ms. Jay a REAL Ms. Jay, or a name only Ms. Jay? Does anyone know, Ms. Jay walks better in heels than I do.

[anon]

By the way, she was referencing -Gershwin-.

[jill]

i have to admit, i love lisa too. yeah so she's brutally honest and a drunk but she's about the only one who has a clue about the industry. plus, she takes great photos. her ridiculously high self-esteem will get her places, even if annoys the hell out of people.

[Charlie]

My coworker and I just pissed all over ourselves reading this, and that was my second time reading it today.

You are truly a genius.

You are one talented mofo, Rich. Funniest stuff EVER:

I don't even want to know what kind of night Ms. Jay must have had to look like this the next day:

Naima makes me sad like disabled people make me sad.

Get out your bell jars.

You're feeling Bre, and I'm feeling jealous.

[Quel]

LOVE your recap! I clicked in from Best Week Ever. DO you do these every week? I'll poke around your blog and see. I'm a huge ANTM fan. Thanks for this post. It's great!

[John]

Rich, please, oh please, create a .gif of Lisa's creepy dance! It would bring such joy to this otherwise bitter old man.

[justin]

Lisa is the best thing ever. EVER.