. . . but dude does not look sad. What was up with the entire panel using Coryn's possible sadness as a reason to boot her? Bitch was sassy, not sad. I mean, do you detect sadness here . . .
. . . here . . .
. . . or here?
She didn't even cry after elimination! She was, in fact, jubilant.
What a weirdo. I'll miss her possible penis, though.
And, at the same time, it is nice to see a gracious loser. The only thing nicer? Starting the show with CRYING. The first shot we see is of . . .
42. Nik
Forget what I said last week: beauty through crying is totally possible.
Hot! Oh, it should be noted that Nik is crying over last week's elimination of Diane. You'll remember that she already cried over this in the last episode, but whatever. It's a new day for the rest of us.
43. Lisa
Lisa freaks out about being widely disliked, while Bre, angel that she is, offers her toilet paper as consolation.
44. Kyle
Kyle cries at almost every elimination and she's never even been in the Bottom 2. She is playing to win.
45. Tyra
No actual tears, but Tyra swore they were there after watching Lisa's mock deodorant commercial in which Lisa confessed that she tells herself she's beautiful everyday. Touched by delusion?
And speaking of that, the Tyraism of the week goes one more to incorporate willful lying. Apparently, Tyra thinks that if she spouts statistics, no one will notice that she totally made them up. Listen here and try to resist repeatedly hitting your head against the keyboard.
"Ninety-eight percent of models smoke or have smoked. And it is something that they do to keep their weight off . . . (UPN chop job) . . . and my grandmom died of lung cancer at 50. But, y'know, if you wanna just get superficial and talk about modeling, this . . .
. . . career will be cut in half because of smoking. And it's not too easy to quit, because my addiction is food and fattening food, so if somebody's like, 'A model's life will be cut in half, Tyra, by eating,' I ain't gon' put down the Twinkie, y'know what I mean? Not that easily."
That's right, Tyra, hold on to the Twinkie. Also, if 98 percent of models smoke, and their careers are "cut in half," is that half based on the duration of the career lives of the remaining two percent? And, in fact, what model didn't smoke? Linda? Naomi? Claudia? Shut up.
That said, it was extremely tempting to name this recap "To Smoke and Have Smoked."
And now, the biggest news of the week: I like Twiggy.
She was totally herself, boring boring boring, until she unleashed this insane ramble. Listen! She gets all kindsa Ozzy on that one, and no doubt benefits from sound editing (the quote starts, "Sing-songy!" which is as good a way to start a sentence as any I've ever heard). She sounds like she's been drinking, which I think viewers of previous seasons can attest makes for some great judging. The bottle is your friend, Twig!
And she's not the only one steaming this cycle's trainwreck factor.
1. Lisa is out of her fucking mind.
I mean, really, what the fuck?
Poor dejected Lisa talks to a tree she's dubbed Cousin It.
She admitted to Tyra that her vice is wine. Tyra asked her if she was a wino and she said yes. She admitted to being a wino! As in, "I am a wino!"
I know people say she's annoying, but that's her charm! I am, however, afraid for what's gonna happen after the manic spell ends. Get out your bell jars.
2. While Lisa spazzed, Jayla unraveled with a confessional reminiscent of Elyse's big tirade in Cycle 1. If only she'd dubbed her newly formed nemesis Nik a "shit slice."
And then when it became clear that Nik was to be in the Bottom 2, Jayla could barely contain her glee.
3. Meanwhile, Nik painted. With watercolors. In a plastic case.
I think her picture says, "I love you," but I wish it said, "I love unicorns."
4. The degradation continues! To train in the art of beauty-aid spokesmodeling, the girls were forced to smear food on their faces.
Is bukkake-esque a word?
5. Iman showed up to shill the just-released "book" that she ""wrote."" I refuse to reprise the commercial, but I do feel the need to prove it.
Also? Iman is insane. Her adamance about skincare was intimidating.
"It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that skin," she said. Is she referencing Duke Ellington? Is that some half-retarded mnemonic device?
6. I don't even want to know what kind of night Ms. Jay must have had to look like this the next day:
7. Naima makes me sad like disabled people make me sad.
8. In happier news, I think I might have a chance with Bre!
"You got beautiful eyes. I think I got a crush on you," she told Entertainment Tonight's Ryan Devlin. So she totally likes gay white guys. This is awesome.
Further insight into Bre's sexuality: her "secret" she revealed in the mock Secret (har har) commercial was, "I like men's underwear." And by that I think she means she likes men's underwear. And I think that makes her a transvestite.
I could get into that.
9. Someone at Tyra's other show got some sense.
Compare that to what they used to call that segment:
Ha! Diane, of course, was on this week. She's still boring (my apologies to her cousin).
10. What the fuck is wrong with Tyra?
No really -- please tell me if you know.
Anyone else think Crazy Jayla looks a lot like Posh Spice in some of those confessional stills? And Naima? Her face is as flat as Winston's (no offense, Winston), but Winston is much cuter and has much more personality in his photos!
Posted by: jabes | October 20, 2005 at 10:26 PM
The show is NOTHING compared to your recaps! I think I love YOU!
Posted by: You're the bestest! | October 21, 2005 at 12:13 AM
Rich, luv, I really can't get behind Bre at all... every time the girl opens her mouth and speaks she sounds like freakin' idiot — and not just cuz of the played-out tongue ball, either! She is pretty in a cute ghetto chick kinda way but she makes me want to pull my eyelashes out with her chatter... Bre must die!
On the other hand Lisa's playing up the boozing/loony bits to get more face time is making me want to bail on the series altogether! Plus: she's ugly!
Posted by: carlos | October 21, 2005 at 10:52 AM
>"I like men's underwear."
Hate to disappoint you, but I think that means that I have a shot with Bre. I hope she knows that as soon as she brings Her Beautiful Ass back to Harlem, it's all Scary Unexpected Visits and Boiling Rabbit Stew from this girl. I'm prepared to "fight everyday to prove my love" if need be.
-Trixie Trix-a-lot
President of the I LOVE Bre Society for Women
P.S. I have been a lazy and unreliable recapper this season, so I've thrown in the towel and redirected my Top Model Traffic to you. And the chicks who read my recaps are crazy and pretty fucking demanding. So…umm…yeah…Good Luck with that.
Kisses!
Posted by: trixie | October 21, 2005 at 11:05 AM
Ryan Devlin says, "I used to rid my bike to class in college. One afternoon I got distracted by a group of cute girles, and before I knew it, I was lying on the hood of a car that had stopped in front of me. I didn't suffer any injuries, but I definitely had a bruised ego!" Hmmmm
http://www.tv.com/ryan-devlin/person/320418/biography.html
Posted by: spike | October 21, 2005 at 01:06 PM
Forget "signature walk and it's going to make me famous". Forget that white girl fainting. Forget "Tokyoians". Cousin It will forever be Top Model's biggest contribution to the world. Bless poor crazy cross-eyed Lisa.
Posted by: Foxy | October 21, 2005 at 02:21 PM
Oh, I think I love you. Especially for getting that screen shot of Jayla at elimination.
Posted by: Liz | October 21, 2005 at 03:35 PM
every time twiggy shows up on antm my boyfriend and i scream "twigggaayyy!"
Posted by: jocelyn | October 21, 2005 at 03:38 PM
Rich! I've come to love your recaps as much as the show, itself.
Nik is so so beautiful, even when she's crying. She Jayla and Lisa are my favorites. Poor Lisa, poor Cousin It.
I LOVE that you got the screenshot of Jayla, and the new sound clips, too! :D
Posted by: Buntcake | October 22, 2005 at 02:13 AM
My drag name is Tyra Male.
Posted by: nOva | October 22, 2005 at 07:59 PM
I absolutely love this site... thank you so much for the hilarious recaps!
Posted by: angie | October 23, 2005 at 04:41 PM
oh this is great. and it's going to get even better. thank you for the laugh once again! :)
Posted by: bethanne | October 23, 2005 at 07:08 PM
OMG, am I the only one disturbed by Lisa's concave chest?
And Naima...tsk tsk tsk. That picture makes me sadder than Coryn. How did she get so goddamn fug in such a short span of time?
Posted by: liprincess | October 24, 2005 at 10:58 AM
Best.Recap.Ever. I'm bookmarking you. But hey Captain Screencap, hows 'bout a little bone for us Mr. Jay lovers. That's right, count me in with the white (okay, orange) gay man and undie lovers.
Posted by: oomm | October 24, 2005 at 01:11 PM
This is 4 years later but I know what is wrong with Tyra. She feeds on tears. Really! It's why she has gained weight since she started ANTM and her talk show.
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This is a workshop of your life. I need to perfect that "writing my way to another life" technique!
Posted by: Polycarbonate panels | November 16, 2011 at 01:58 AM
Thanks so much for all of that. When you bare your soul in words, you're not sure what the reaction will be. I'm glad you both found it so inspiring. And I thank you again for all your kind, supportive words.
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