Plus none

Another cycle, another eliminated plus-sized girl who never ever ever had a chance of winning this shit. But don't cry for Diane or her useless curves -- as much as she was strung along, she strung us along with her potentially bold look recoiling at the camera's every flash. Diane wasn't a model, she was a gremlin. Go bye bye, Chief Biggum.

In better news: tears. Tears from a girl beat down by cunty, cunty bitches. Tears from she who can dish but cannot take. Tears from crossed-eyes. Tears from . . .

36. Lisa

Y'know how some people look so pretty when they cry? No you don't, stop lying.

37. Diane

Diane cried (the first time) because her breasts were bound too tight for a photo in which she was to portray a woman with a breast reduction. I think some of Kim's gender confusion rubbed off.

38. Bre

Do we talk about Bre being in the Bottom 2 now? Yes we do. Holy fuck. But the thing is that I know Bre probably isn't going to win (I'ma call it right now and say the Top 2 will come down to Kyle and Nik). While I'd be more than happy to run Bre's campaign for Queen of the World, while she's my favorite ANTM contestant of all time, and while I'd gladly impregnate her tonight, I know she's not exactly a great enough model by the show's standard (or mediocre enough by, y'know, the real standard) to really own this thing. Oh, my Bre. Let's make the most of the time we have left.

Still, this week woulda been too soon. That wasn't cool. And you know as soon as it was clear that it was going to be down to Bre and Diane, my bf was on the couch next to me, all, "She's going home, she's going home, she's going home." That made me cry.

38.5. Rich

39. Diane

 

Big. Deal.

40. Jayla

I don't need to be convinced. I just need to see wiping.

41. Nik

Bubble eyes overflow.

And now, Tyra tests out her impersonation skills in the Tyraism of the Week. Tyra said this to Bre after Bre merely suggested that a constant barrage of criticism could maybe possibly sorta make someone feel a little bit bad about themselves (the ever-perfect Bre reasoned aloud, "You gotta know who you are when you come in here"). Instead of seeing level-headedness, Tygra took the opportunity to pounce.

"Imagine watching television with your friends, and you're famous. And you're walking down the red carpet and Joan Rivers says, 'Bre, she looks like a piece of crap.' Then you pick up the paper next day and you're on the cover: WORST DRESSED OF THE YEAR. When you enter the real world of fame and supermodels, there's millions of people cutting you down everyday. There are chatrooms dedicated to the I Hate Bre fanclub."

First of all, great, great Joan impersonation, Tyra. Really. You are a treasure. Secondly: Ah yes, the "real" ""world"" of fame and supermodels, in which newspapers run front-page items on models, haters start fanclubs and Joan Rivers strings together coherent sentences.

And, finally:

I really believe that Twiggy is a nice person. She's honest, open and reasonable and therefore has no business being on this show. Especially when Janice Dickinson's presence serves as a reminder of how wonderful the judging segment used to be and how snoozy it is now. Twiggy said nice things about Bre during judging, though, so y'know, respect with a little, little "r" (respect). Whatever, she's boring. I'll keep saying it until I get my Janice back and if that never happens, I'll keep saying it forever. Twiggy is boring. Twiggy is boring. Twiggy is boring.

She actually said to Nigel: "I may look like a quiet, little English girl, but I'm not." PROVE IT, BITCH.

And here's what's left:

1. Hot damn this show is lezzie!

Bre's pretty big on fondling.

Like, really big on it.

Of course, the involvement of Janice "All Supermodels Are Lesbians" Dickinson did not help matters.

After all the hot girl-on-girl action, I bet you could use a shower. Or perhaps, a massage?

This shit is turning me into a lesbian! I would totally tap Jayla's prosthetic ass!

2. I'm weirded-out to report that Coryn actually looked quite lovely throughout the episode.

I guess finding her totally hot means I'm gay all over again, huh? Sorry, Jayla.

Bonus love:

3. Nigel is so full of shit.

Yeah, I know I keep talking about Bre Bre Bre, but seriously, Nigel is so arbitrary. Here is what he said about Bre last week: "I love the personality with Bre, but I'm not getting it in the pictures." And here is what he said this week: "Bring this look and all these different things you're doing in these photographs, bring them to judging. I wanna see the model in front of me." Wow, those critiques seem damn near diametrically opposed. Because clearly, in one week, you can go from being all personality to none. I guess it's true: you're either in, or you're out.

Shut up, Nigel.

But I still be lustin' after you. Especially the old you.

4. Did I mention that, much like Jesus, Bre is awesome? She is totally the reason for the season.

OMG, me too!!!

Also, this week's Breism: "This [show] is somethin' I wanna do, so at least by the time I'm 25, I'll have a comfortable, household name." Love. Soft as an easy chair.

And btw:

In all y'all tall bitches' face!

5. I often ponder just what makes me love this damn show so much. I think it's the unabashed superficiality mixed with the mission to degrade as many insecure young women as possible. Like, for example, when an ENTIRE EPISODE is based around the girls' flaws. Haha, that's what the bitches get for being so pretty.

Here are "flaws" the girls were sort of assigned (by themselves and the critiques of their competitors), and how they attempted to both flaunt and hide these flaws in a weird non-photo-shoot photo shoot challenge. I don't even need to point out how ridiculous each flaw assignment is individually, right?

Kyle won this challenge, btw. Oh, and on her outit Kim, compared herself to '90s literary favorite Waldo.

Hee!

6. Bitches are ruthless! Finally! Kim and Coryn did lots and lots of shit talking on Lisa. Yeah, Lisa's annoying, one of those people who thinks being honest gives you the right to be tactless, but I actually started to feel bad for her. And then she cried, boosted the count and I felt good again. But anyway, I witnessed no fewer than four Lisa-bashing episodes. Check it:

Session 1

Coryn: What's up with her? She just irritates the hell outta me.

Kim: Not that I disagree with you, but, what is it that, like, you dislike?

Coryn: She constantly rips people down . . .

Background voice: Yeah!

Coryn: . . . but makes herself, y'know, out to be this good person and whatever.

Kim: I just find a lot of what she says hypocritical . . .

(A chorus of "yeah"s)

Kim: . . . y'know? Or, like, she's giving advice one way and then I see her doing the same thing. That bothers me.

Session 2

Coryn: I like Bre.

Kim: Like you guys [Coryn and Kyle] and her are, like, my three favorites.

Coryn: Yeah, mine too. I don't really like anybody else. Lisa, hell no.

Kim: Well, Lisa just, like, decides to, like, randomly take charge of things, and I'm like, 'What are you doing?'" Like, you have no idea how to take charge.

Coryn: I'm too toned. I'm too thin, but yet, you can see her ribs and you can't even see mine.

Kim: Dude, she's just really jealous.

Coryn: She looks so old, doesn't she? I guess it might be from the alcohol or it might be from the sun exposure.

Kim: I just don't like her.

Session 3

Kim: I am so excited that they're giving Lisa a [fake] facelift [in the photoshoot] because she looks too old.

Jayla: You know she's gonna need one in, like, six months.

Kim: She's a year and a half older than me. When I'm a year and a half older than this I'm not gonna look that old.

Session 4

Janice: (Directing) No, not like you're drunk.

Kim: It's so natural for her to be like that, drunk. Alcoholic!

Janice: Any remarks from the sidelines is nothing but jealous. This girl's a star.

7. Speaking of that, what was up with Janice being so nice, anyway? Actually, I know exactly what was up -- she knows this show thrives on nastiness. Janice does not want to see ANTM do well without her so by encouraging girls to be "sisters" to the model sitting next to them, she's bringing this shit down from the inside. Bringing it down, while her face stays lifted.

I'll say it as often as I say "Twiggy is boring": Janice is missed.

8. Why is there framed lingerie on the confessional wall?

9. Last week, Kyrie requested shots of Jayla's new 'do, while Jeremy wanted Miss. Jay in the final photos. I present these with a tingle -- I don't know if it's love or an extra little pang of carpal tunnel from these extra assignments.

10. This week's My Life as a Covergirl went something like, "I went on a go-see. The end."

A go-see is when you go and see yourself out of any potential modeling career because you appeared on this damn, damning and utterly brilliant show.

Comments

[dooku]

I'm overwhelmed and confused. Did you even eat while doing that?

[Amabel]

Nigel is fricken hot in his old modeling photos. Mmm.... Nigel. I suppose he's hot now, but he just comes off rather pervy, really, and it's giving me a bit of an ick vibe while I simultaneously want to lick his neck.

[Rich]

Doo, I can't even thread a needle anymore.

[gayest neil]

Damn. The Plus-Sized Girl gets taken down quick. If you are a contestant on ANTM show and you hear "plus-sized", go ahead and say goodbye. Order some ribs, enjoy the swank pad and hope you make it long enough to go to some foreign country, cause yo curvy can is gonna get canned!

I so wish they'd invited that one weepy big girl back who has been canned twice in the pre-show from the past few seasons. I'd love to see Tyra bring her back to the hotel every pre-season episode only to say NO each and every time. That'd be delicious. What was her name? Was it Mary?

I miss Janice too. And yeah, she was totally being too nice. How boring... I agree. She's taking down House of ANTM from the inside.

[Bill]

Rich.... for so long, i was proud of myself for *not* watching this show. and then i came across your blog. I'm an addict now.

I'll be sending you my Cablevision bills.

[Michael]

LOVE that you've added yourself to the cry tally. Isn't that what the kids call "so meta"?

Also, I hope this doesn't come across rude, but you have the hottest mouth.

[Steph]

Janice RULES! I miss her very much also.
Lisa is a dish it out and can't take it kind of lady...she got it from all ends this week! Damn. All that bad-mojo karma finally snuck up on her drunk ass. Lisa is very lovely though...The camera is kind to the cross eyed, boy chested, gap-toothed beauty. She had so many flaws going on there I was embarrassed for HER! But then I guess she had a lot of time to think about how flawed she was –thanks to all the catty bitches!!! YAY you go catty bitches! Tell that Lisa off! While I do enjoy Bre & how real & honest she is, my money is on Nik winning this thing. She’s such a gracious beauty….well at least so far.
I also agree that Coryn is doing a fly-ass job of appearing soft. Cheers to her!

[Ali]

Indeed, your cry took the cake, Rich. And you know what else I find funny about your site? The little names that you give the pics. I don't know, that's just hilarious to me, especially the one for Jayla's big booty makeover pic: sholookgoodtome.

Hee!

And I could be wrong, but are you a fan of Bre's?

[jeremy]

You rule, Rich! Thanks for the Miss Jay pics. So gorge! As always, dope ass recap. Sadly, I don't think Bre will make it to the top two either. My guess is it'll be Nik and Jayla. While we're on the subject, along with plus-sized models automatically being placed in the Discard pile, add being an out and proud lesbian (Kim). You know Cover Girl (like SC Johnson Wax, a family company) would never go for that. They prefer "On the DL" sapphs like Queen Latifah and Eva "Missy's bitch" Pigford. Just sayin. Oh, do I need to say "allegedly" or anything? Allegedy.

[duane]

I thought it served Lisa right that she dishes it out, but can't take it, and Janice made her cry; even though I saw it coming!

And I want Janice back too... she rocks. I am over Twiggy.

Thanks for the fabulous, as always, recap!!!

[nicole]

How cruel, yet funny is that chickie trying to hide her lazy-eye?.
Rich, you should be on the show. Your crying shows how in touch you are with these poor swans.
Glad you included a cap. of that hot Nigel. The show bores me, but these recaps are greatly entertaining!

[dooku]

These have worked wonders for me:

http://my.webmd.com/hw/health_guide_atoz/zm2666.asp

[Fresh]

Hey you sexy thang you. I cracked up when I saw you add your picture, LOL. You are so wild. It would be my dream to have Bre win but I dont see it. I think you're pretty dead on with your selections.

[Fresh]

Oh and Naima is so fucking boring. Someone make it stop.

[Iris]

My non-Tivo havin', keep falling asleep too damn early, can't-program-a-VCR-to-save-my-ass self LOVES you for your recaps. I'm wiping away a tear of gratitude right now.

[Brie]

Did anyone else think it was ironic when Miss Jay told the girls during the 'flaws' photo shoot that they should be mad at their parents for bad genes?

[Carly]

AUGH! Another missed episode. Thank god for your recaps. Except those shots of Jay in his cut-off shirt and Miss J have put me off solid food. OMG - I'm just like the contestants on the show now!

Anyone want to place money on some kid of catfight - complete with hair pulling - involving Lisa?

[bethanne]

oh my gosh. all kinds of awesome. i'm speechless.

[Cake and Ice-Cream]

OMG, you are so funny, Kim did look just like Waldo. Thanks for a good laugh

[LA]

Diane was a plus-sized disappointment. Makes me miss the days of Toccara. I saw her on the street once.
ANYways. I hate to see you cry love. Don't worry, I believe in Bre. She has to make it to at least final 4.

And like, I never realized like how often Kim says "like" until I like saw it in writing. But like, I say "like" a lot too so like, that's cool.
Hehe. Like rhymes with dyke.

[Cstizzy]

Rich,
I love you for your ANTM recaps. And not like the love that you have to have for your 97 year-old grandmother that thinks its 1935, but the kind of love that Bre has for black people. Or Cassandra has for her hair and world peace. Or rejection has for the 'curvy' girls. ANTM isn't complete until you've had your say.

[JH, of The I Hate Janice Fanclub]

Here's hoping Janice downs a Drano cocktail sometime in the near future. Trainwrecks are sooooo 2004, and I just really wish she would off herself already. But on a brighter note, I like Bre. I would someone could transplant Lisa's modelling knowledge into Vre's pretty little brain.

[JT]

I must have very conservative views on beauty, because I find Lisa incredibly hideous with her close-set eyes, juttingly-angular jaw and overly large lower lip. Do the judges actually think she will take good pictures when she can't manage good frontal shots?

[pants]

what did i do to deserve reading such a site?
whomever you are, you're so on the ball it's not even funny! MONEY BABY, MONEY

AND FOR THE RECORD: NIK FOR LIFE.

ANN MARKLEY FOR PREZ
NIK FOR VICE

[dj Danny S.]

Hey what's up with the Coryn/Minneapolis connection? Is she from Minneapolis? I really need to pay better attention to her, she looks more and more heavenly with each pic u post.