Sarah, don't smile . . . please!

Good riddance! In what was effectively this year's double-elimination episode (more on the first loser in a sec), duck-billed lickapuss Sarah was booted. Big deal. Quackalingus totally fucked up tonight by not crying during her mid-episode sexual confusion (she and Kim got it on, even though she has a boyfriend and later, she lied through her bill to him about not having any "curiosity"). If you can't bring the despair, you are useless.

Missed . . .

. . . opportunity!

She totally woulda been first on this week's Crying Count, too, the lazy bitch. So instead, we get an old favorite kicking things off . . .

33. Cassandra

In a case of hair-today-gone-after-Jay-Manuel-throws-you-off-"his"-set, Cassandra effectively booted herself when she refused further chopping. But not before much more whining and, of course, crying (as pictured above). Apparently Cassandra wanted to stay with last week's chop job, which Television Without Pity genius recapper Potes describes as giving Cass the effect of: "your crazy aunt from the trailer park who always talks about how she was homecoming queen in 1982 and just took a job at the 7-11 so she could get a discount on Marlboros. In other words, Cassandra looks like a vision of her own future. And like popular 1980s country singer Lorrie Morgan. And, as many a forum poster has pointed out, Roxette." Brilliant, but I'd like to throw some zombie into the equation.

Anyway, in her parting interview, she said she was aspiring to Miss USA -- at least she's wise enough to aim low.

34. Sarah

Finally! But, like last week's eliminated contestant, Ebony, this was another too-little-too-late thing. If you want to stick around, turn on the 'works.

35. Kyle

A reliable crier, Kyle is one to watch. Expect her to stick around for a while.

And that's it! This is some paltry shit. Not even the aforementioned (and to-be-explored) dyke drama could ring out the tears.

Tyraism of the Week

"You should walk as if there's wind blowing in your hair. You have to create your own wind."

Ha, she said, "wind." Also? I might like the reprise more (she told it to big-haired Nik):

"And again, wind in the hair. You're a perfect candidate for wind in the hair because you have so much."

I really hope that Nik gets elected president of the Wind in the Hair Club for Models.

And now, bloody Twiggy . . .

Yeah, that's right, Twiggy sucks. I don't care that she admitted that her ears are big -- I'm not trying to think, "Oh, Twig, how down-to-earth. How around-the-way. How ghet-to." She is full of nonsense. On Nicole, she said, "She's got that period, old-painting thing." The picture that inspired Twig to spout that was this:

Even worse was when Twig attacked the untouchable Bre's walk, which everyone else agreed ruled. She said Bre had "horse legs" and that her walk was "horsey." Oh, so she's wrong and of limited vocabulary. Shut up, just shut up shut up, Twig. Bre is the queen of the world. And for that, she's kicking off this week's remainders.

1. How do I love Bre? Let me count the ways . . .

a. The busy-body snark:

"Modelin' isn't something Kim knows well. So, you stick to what you know. You know girls, you know you like 'em and you know you're good at gettin' 'em."

b. The delusions of glamor:

"So I go on and I'm lovin' it. I'm feelin' the atmosphere. I’m Dorothy Dandridge and nobody can tell me differently."

c. The delusions of grandeur:

On winning the walking challenge: "I'm the winner, I won somethin'. Finally. It was so long overdue."

d. Diva!

That's her in the middle, just seconds before winning. She knew she rocked it.

e. The gory honesty:

On the challenge's caviar-dinner prize: "I wanna be respectful, but I wanna throw up."

f. The spiritual core:

"God gives us our first instincts. Don't go against Him."

g. Her ANTM savvy:

She raised her hand highest when Tyra asked who remembered Camille from Cycle 2, and then quoted Camille's famous "signature walk" diatribe, almost verbatim.

h. Her camp twist:

"My weave is sweatin'. I gotta go."

In sum, Bre is the best person to have ever lived.

2. Designer Sue Wong, though, gives Bre a run for her money.

Cunty-by-nature Sue brought deadpan hilarity as this episode's challenge administrator and guest judge. While directing girls on the runway, she said things like, "You're an exotic Mongolian princess" and "You're going too Egyptian on me." During judging, she pronounced "androgyny" with a hard-"G" sound.

As though her awesomeness could get any awesomer, she picked Bre to win the challenge and even mocked the losers. I like to think she was giving the Crying Count a shout.

3. Do you think J. Alexander might be gay?

I can't tell.

4. Is this mod?

5. Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!

6. Can someone tell Tyra that functionality does not equal fierceness? Make the girls ditch the airbrushed shirts, which are at least as out as J.Lo sweatsuits.

7. Sarah and Kim: light and shadow. Theirs was not an evil relationship, but evil did come because of it.

Hot lesbian action in the bottom right:

Both ended up in the bottom two. Punishment for their sins!

A final embrace:

8. Just to put this competition into perspective, this is what the girls are aspiring to:

9. Tyra is a whirlwind of cross-marketing, and so, she's added a new segment to her talk show:

What I'm understanding is that every week, she have last week's eliminated contestant or "booty" (ha!) on.

"She's available!" says Tyra of Ebony.

10. Tyra to Jayla at elimination: "Congratulations for being called first. You know what that means, you did a damn good job this week." Oh, that's what it means? For the first time in five cycles, what we've always suspected has been verbalized. Thanks, Ty Ty. And double thanks for making it a chance for Jayla to put on her anime eyes.

Her favorite movie is Ghost in the Shell. No, really.

11. The moral of the story (and, apparently today's The Tyra Banks Show in which Tyra will confront her porn star doppelganger, Tyra Banxxx):

You can't out-hoochie Tyra. Don't even try, and certainly, don't get it twisted.

Comments

[spike]

Sue definitely gave a shout out to yer cry count! Luved it...

[Nancy]

Good stuff. I'm glad Sarah is gone. Her pictures were ugggly. And Twiggy needs to go, too. Sigh.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

oh come on. bre walked like a shire horse. twiggy was right.

[Chris]

I love that you worked in a quote from "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" in there! You rule.

[duane]

I thought Twiggy was totally out of line when she knocked Bre's walk; Bre is Fierce, with a capital F. She rocked it, and she knew it. They all did.

Sue Wong was cracking me up with that "more Mongolian princess" shit. I died.

And, just so you know, Rich, you have officially gotten me HOOKED on another show. Write for EW damn you!!! They should be begging you!

Thanks for the fabulous recap; after the show was over, I couldn't help but wonder what you would pull from the episode, that could make me love it even more. Thanks again.

[Clare]

Nicole needs to go. Twiggy doesn't know jack about paintings. I loved the remark Nic made about going to bed early--there is just no sense in staying up late when there is work to be done. What a snore-bore! She needs to get herself some drama if she wants to stay in this competition.

[braceface]

Can I just say something before I make this comment? PLEASE post pictures of Miss Jay in Fashion Police Witch garb. And remember, just because you're wearing a turtleneck, that does not mean you can't give us more neck.

[renee]

hahah - you are awesome. My favorite screenshot is the one of Sue Wong mocking the losers... too funny.

[Carly]

Can you believe I missed this week as well because they pre-empted the show for baseball? BASEBALL!? This country's priorities are so screwed up.

That being said, I want to hire Miss J for parties.

[JuJuBee]

Love you, hate Bre's walk. The Twigster called it; her "signature high-stepping" worse than Yoanna's clopping. And God Bless Tyra for creating those lovely non-sequitors that make sense to no one but herself. Oh, that wacky supermodel.

[conguera]

Hilarious recap! Twiggy was right about Bre's horsey walk, though. I'm amazed that anyone liked it.

[gayest neil]

I've been watchin ANTM since when it was just boring old ANTM. None of this cycle 2, 3, 4, 5 stuff. And woe is me do I miss me some Janice D.

SOBS! I can barely stand to tune in. Orangina drives me me fuckin' nuts!
ALTHOUGH. I do SOoOoOoOo miss the Covergirl Tip of the Week!!! Do you?

(It was so much more awse than watching Eva bottom for Missy or see Naima panhandle on subways.)

And the TYRAnt is more out of her mind than ever. This whole season is just unbeerweaveable. And that's a crying shame indeed! Oh I miss Janice. Your Twiggyometer is awesome!

Darlin' clock one more on the cry counter cause this big, burly sissy has been bawlin' for three weeks. But seriously, your blog is making it more bearable. My boyfriend doesn't understand my obsession with this show. There should totes be a Wednesday night viewing social (support group) at a NYC gay bar! Maybe Excelsior or Metropolitain?

GayestNeil

[diopter]

J. Alexander looked like an extra from an Esther Williams film in that poolside getup.

[Genevieve]

Ok, Sarah's lips just freak me out everytime. Beautiful of course, but creepy.

Cassandra also kinda looks like the chick from the Cranberries. Thank God she's gone. She had already chopped all her hair off, why not just go another inch. Your hair is not who you are. What a loser.

Bre - did I miss something?!?!?!? Her walk DID SUCK!! She looked like a horse walking. It was the worst walk I ever saw.

Nicole is like a porcelin doll, I love her.

Diane IS a man!!!

Kim, if you're ever in S.FL, give me a call >;o)

[brandy]

What a let down with the lesbian action!
It was "oh we kissed when were drunk" and then a grainy night vision shot.

And Kim was a bit of a bitch about it.

boo kim.

Im so glad awful consitpated cassandra is gone.

[Ian]

Whoa, Rich...so many topics covered in this recap so quickly...I need to go lay down now...

And where's the recap of the girls "dancing" by the pool?! We TiVod this episode and definately watched that part like 5 times.

[Marie]

Bre's walk is definitely NOT fierce. It looks like she's trying to slog through four feet of water.

[AMW]

Once again you delivered a recipe for hilarity! I'm causing a ruckuss in my cubicle because I'm laughing so hard....gotta go before I get eliminated.

[K. Marie]

Why has nobody commented on the fact that Coryn is a man. There needs to be a "Ace Ventura" moment when someone turns her around and points out captain Winky.

[Rich]

Because everyone already has commented on Coryn being a man!

And to all the Bre haters -- y'all's jealous.

[Kyrie]

Your recap is hilarious.

I love it, and if I ever miss and episode, I'll totally come running here first! (Like that will happen, though. Still, I'll definately read your recap. You're tops on my fav list now!)

I love Bre too! She's definately on my ANTM5 Fav's list. <3 I love her walk! It's got more personality than anyone else's and that's what counts. She walks with confidence and awesomeness, and everything she says is like, golden. Love teh Bre. She's my #2. (Jayla's my number one because.. well, she's just cool. She reminds me of me. Oh yeah, and her favorite movie is Ghost in the Shell, I love that movie.)

Can't wait for more screencaps! A picture is worth a thousand words, but you have a thousand and more of both, so.. what would that make this worth anyway?

BTW, I'd like to request a favor.. Do you think you could take some screencaps of Jayla's shorter haircut for me? I want to show them to my hair stylist for my new haircut.. It's so cute. I also want to show it to my friends on my blog, and I'll totally credit them back to you.. I just.. uber suck at screencaps.

[Charlie]

Oh my GOD, I'm DYING.

[Monica D]

Doesn't sarah have the exact same lips as Angelina Jolie!? So i guess angelina is a duckbilled platapus home wrecker too

[Zoe]

Someone Said Bre's Walk Was Like A Horse... Erm, Horses Walk Very Well So.. :S
Um..

[Oigsyyur]

8FGEsZ