J. Icantstandher

Finally, I get to share my performance of the amazingly unnecessary task of recapping a recap episode:

I know I'm falling right into the animosity this show has planned out for me, but seriously, Jayla has me seething. The more I see of her, the less I like her. Sadly, I think this means she's going to be around for longer than she should be (like she isn't already!), as she's clearly won the should-be-coveted role of the house bitch. They could have presented her as the bitch as early as the first episode, but they totally built up only to drop us into this chasm of cuntiness.

Anyway, for all the pain JayJay's caused me, here are a few of her prettiest moments of this week's episode (hence the cycle, I guess).

I am, of course, perversely happy that she's around.

Anyway, JayJay's succession to the throne of Queen Ass wasn't the only big reveal of the episode. Hate was all around, and so, here's a rundown of the night's best conflicts:

Kim vs. Jayla

Backstage at the first fashion show, Jayla began stretching out her mouth for the foot that would repeatedly find its way there. Both Kim and Jayla agreed in retrospect that Jayla told Kim to suck in her stomach and that this prompted Kim to get all hypersensitive and ask, "Are you calling me fat?" It's on Jayla's response to this question that their stories differ. Jayla says she went like this . . .

. . . and asked, "Are you crazy?"

Kim says Jayla did this . . .

. . . and said nothing.

Mature! So mature, it can only be chalked up to dyke drama. It is with great remorse that I declare Jayla the winner of this one.

Jayla vs. Diane

Jayla remarked that they've dressed Diane like a chicken for her superhero photo.

She's nastily right. Diane wasn't shown responding but if she did, you could bet that she'd giggle and baby talk something like, "Boo boo boo. Jayla is kinda out there or some-in!."

Ashley vs. Nicole

Kind of amazing how used up Ashley looked before this thing even started! She should have known better than to blather to Nicole, a girl of much fresher face. Nicole called out the supremely boring and forgettable Ashley on her fakeness as she was going on and on about who was getting what in the then-impending makeovers ("Oh yeah, I'm going dark," Ashley said exuding misguided confidence that could only come from the girl who was meant to be the cycle's first bootee).

Nicole rocks. This was her reaction to Jayla's toplessness (as pictured above):

There's something wonderful about a girl with teeth that big who isn't afraid to keep her mouth utterly agape in the name of disgust.

Jayla vs. Cassandra (kinda)

Nicole kept the charm turned up when she pretended her boxing puppet was Jayla. Ebony attempted to follow suit, ineptly playing Cassandra. Essentially, she got it twisted. Whatever, Ropeburn, at least the also-mom-haired Cassandra got to leave with some dignity.

Kim vs. herself

I fear for the day that her face freezes in the position of one of any of her hundreds of self-sabotaging faces. Bad pretty girl! Ugly pretty girl!

Bre vs. everybody

"Nobody really cared about Cassandra leaving. Everybody has selfish intentions. Everybody in this house does not have a good spirit. Everybody does not give off good vibes and energy. And everybody is not as carin' and nice as they want to make it seem."

And then she ripped up the $50,000 check, while proclaiming herself a "God warrior."

Coryn vs. conflict

In the single most inexplicably previously unaired scene, we learned that Coryn had actually made up with Lisa before being eliminated (interesting that once she stopped bringing the drama, she was no longer needed). Coryn apologized via a note written on an index card. Special! A recipe for love, the letter was as eloquent as you'd expect coming from a woman who talks like this.

Lisa -

I have been thinking about earlier today and all I want to say is I'm sorry. This whole situation got out of control. I didn't mean for the remark I made to be taken in that way. I said you need a new dance move as a joke because everyone was saying how they couldn't believe that you danced. So I am so sorry that it got out of control.

(Heart) Coryn

Brimming with logic! Anyway, she and Lisa literally kissed and made up.

Tyra vs. her past

"I learned how to walk, put on make up, be fierce from drag queens," Tyra revealed. And clearly, she struggles with that fact Every. Day.

The house vs. Mr. Bojangles

A stray bird's presence terrorized the girls. They were all like, "I hate bugs!"

Lisa vs. dancing

No words:

At this point, I love Lisa right down to the vagina.

Tyra vs. the truth

During the recap's conclusion (the recap of the recap), Tyra got out her shovel and pigeonholed the six girls still in the running towards becoming America's . . . Next . . . Top . . . . . . . Model. Check out the euphemisms on that one!

What Ty says: "Jayla: the rebel Jehovah's Witness from Arizona."

What Ty means: "The one I've handpicked to be edited into this year's bitch."

What Ty says: "Nicole: the baby-faced student from South Dakota."

What Ty means: "They be gettin' slutty up in the Midwest."

What Ty says: "Nik: the silent threat from Atlanta."

What Ty means: "I have no idea how we're going to edit a personality onto her to justify her eventual win."

What Ty says: "Kim, the tom boy from New York City."

What Ty means: "Lez dispenser."

What Ty says: "Bre: the strong-willed Harlem girl."

What Ty means: "If I cut her, she'll cut me."

What Ty says: "And Lisa: the life of the party from Los Angeles"

What Ty means: "Alcoholic bitch!"

Comments

[Scout]

"Lez dispenser." You are too funny, Rich.

[jru]

Dear Four Four...Your recaps are seriously the best thing about watching ANTM these days...which is pretty amazing, because I am still totally in love with watching who will STILL be in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. My friends, co-workers, and myself all heart your recaps more than we should. So thank you...you alcoholic bitch!

[Melanie]

"Jayla began stretching out her mouth for the foot that would repeatedly find its way there"

HAHAHAHAHA LOVE that line. I used to like her but now all she does is bitch and complain. Can't wait to get her out of there.

I check FourFour after ANTM because I know your recaps will be hilarious. Keep 'em coming!

[feebs]

ive been watching this show since cycle one, and this is the first episode have i ever felt an inkling of "loathe" for the show.
i know that they use the girls for the meat of the show rather than pure modeling potential...but i dont think it has ever been more apparent than on this cycle

ps i love reading your posts, they' hilarious!

[Bittersweet]

Rich, i love ur ANTM recaps....the little sound files are funny and Bre rules! could you please put a sound clip or bre saying 'my weave's sweating...i gotta go" and a video clip and sound clip or lisa doing the uhhhhhhhh uh uh uhhhhhhhhhh dance....thank you :)

[brian w]

The dancing Lisa GIF is making me die, over and over and over and over.

Also, the whole Mr. Bojangles thing? Surrealistic comedic gold.

OMG! Fourfour, your recaps of ANTM are like the best ever! I love them and they're even better than the show itself. It is like the water to my aquarium! It's what keeps me alive, but unforetunately, I LOVE Jayla. Sorry that you hate her, but she's my fav.

P.S. Love the dancing Lisa, I wish my dancing skills were that hot.

[LA]

I think you should be America's next top model, Rich. Or like, America's next top awesome person.

[Arc]

Seriously, so much funnier with the pictures...it defies logic

[Foxy]

Lisa vs. dancing...priceless.

[kristina]

Is that a picture of Ramona Quimby in your "about me" section?

[carlos]

i can't believe i dumped 'cousin it' so quickly in favor of 'mr. bojangles!'...

i hated coryn's handwriting on the purple index card (?)...she deserved to lose just for that!

i cannot stop lookin'n'laffin' at your grabs of kim in this recap: she's toast!

[dee]

There's a scary resemblance to Jayla and the pic on the left side. It's odd.

[Leah]

I read your recaps every week and I love them so much! You're bookmarked.

I would love you so much if you would make that dancing Lisa into a less than 40K 100x100 picture for me.

[Margo]

Thanks so much for a hilarious recap. Your recaps make me realize what a total gem Bre is, but sadly, I think she'll be heading home soon.

[glenna]

I couldn't wait to read your recap post...i've been waiting since last week...you keep me busy here at work...Thanks, and keep up the good work!!
Victor and Dinky send their love!!

[Rich]

Leah -- I don't think I can do that without completely re-doing the animated GIF. I try to accommodate people's requests, but between the frame-grabbing and actual animation, it's too lengthy a process to repeat. Sorry about that.

[SummerA]

"And then she ripped up the $50,000 check, while proclaiming herself a "God warrior." AHAHAHAHA I love you.

[fischer]

nicole is from NORTH dakota.

[Bpfevgoc]

DwMxqg

[adipex prescribing regulations]

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

[Sam]

"Alcoholic bitch!" Hahahaha These recaps get me through my shifts at this boring desk job..