Lez go

Through Kim, the birth of Venus met the death of penis and the world (or at least the mirror of a funhouse mirror that is the ANTM universe) collapsed under the weight of all the gender confusion. Or maybe Kim just kind of blew -- only pictorially, of course. But don't worry about Kim, as long as she keeps that cigarette in her ear, she's destined to make her name in whatever sexually typical field she enters, be it political craft-making or the lumber industry.

Besides, did anyone really think she'd win this thing? Covergirl has room for only one lezzie. Er, make that two.

I know that there was some shock in the wake of Kim's elimination, but really, the idea this cycle is not just to fuck with the girls' heads as much as possible, but ours. When such a big deal of Bre's tit-for-squat beverage-pouring folly was made at panel, I knew that all the heat she took meant that she was safe for another week (for the record, Janice would not have stood for that shit -- "Boarding school! Boarding school!" she'd interject the second Kim piped up). Besides, the Case of the Missing Granola has yet to be put to bed, and if there's one thing Tyra values over fierceness, it's closure.

As for the tears, we've only just begun:

60.  Bre

I think what got to her most is that her assholeishness was pointed out by this:

Who wouldn't be depressed?

61. Bre

God don't like ugly, but looooves extended pettiness over snacks.

62. Bre!

When she isn't pouring things in sinks and indulging in homoerotic wrestling with lesbians, Bre enjoys showing off studded belts and crying.

63. Nicole

Now that Nicole's top is gone, her ass is Bre's.

And keeping with the delightfully bitchy spirit of anti-sisterhood, it's time for the Tyraism of the Week. Gather 'round for sanctimonious wisdom, y'all:

"Retaliating is very juvenile, and I can tell you a story: When I was 18, 19 years old, I was with Elite Models, and they had an apartment full of eight or nine, 10 girls. And in the middle of the night, one of the models wakes me up and says:

'Bitch, you stole my alarm clock!' And I was like, 'What? What are you talking about, I stole your alarm clock?' She accused me and she was wrong and she went through my things. I didn't retaliate . . . "

Not only does this illustrate Tyra's Christ-like nature ("Why, Naomi? Why had thou forsaken me?!?!"), but it also shows just how wonderfully colorful the patchwork quotes UPN's editing can turn out. This show offers a treasure at every turn!

Really:

It took me all cycle to work up to this moment, but I'll say it: I accept Twiggy. Janice is not coming back and will never be properly replaced, but at least we have someone who's sort of balanced and honest to fill the void. "What happened here earlier was very upsetting. It was just distressing," said Twiggy on the Bre-Kim-Nicole bickering during judging, and she's right -- it was kind of a horror show with excessive grooming.

I don't think that there's going to be any further need for the Bug-O-Meter, so I'm tentatively retiring it -- unless, y'know, she pisses me off.

And speaking of pissed off:

1.

I'm not going to apologize for Bre's behavior (I can't even decide if it's childish or retarded). I can't defend her picking on Nicole while Jayla looks . . . suspicious when the fucking granola bars are mentioned:

But, y'know what? I'm into this shit precisely for the petty drama! This is not Chicken Soup for the Anorexic's Soul! It's ANTM! There's going to be bitchiness and cat fighting, regardless, and while I'd love for my Bre to be an unequivocal angel, I'm kind of happy that we're sipping her batch of poison. We get to see more of her delightfully scratchy worldview. I mean, really, could she be more impish? Add to that her frequent attempts at wisdom with logic twisted enough to give pretzels status anxiety, and you have a recipe for hilarity. Babydoll Bre is like more like Chucky, and that suits me just fine.

Pull her string and hear the following:

"I know I did it. And I know I don't really like her, so I don't feel bad for doing it."

"I knew it was Nicole. There's nobody else in the house. There's no ghosts. There's nothin'."

"I don't like Nicole. I don't believe her story. If I have to hear one more word about that Red Bull, she'll be wearing it tonight."

"Look at me. I did something that was very wrong, and God don't like ugly. He don't like it."

"Nicole complains about everything. Her voice is so annoyin'. It's so sharp and alarming. My hair is always at ends when she talks and I don't feel like it's a conversation."

She wasn't kidding about the hair.

But above all this:

She's still so hot it hurts.

2. Like I said, picking on Nicole isn't cool, but listen to this and this and tell me Bre doesn't have a point.

3. Nicole's freaking was in response to the challenge that required the girls to pose as statues while pigeons swarmed at them. I'm so glad this show is giving them the useful skill of pigeon wrangling, which will come in handy, no doubt, when they're homeless coulda-been models trolling Central Park in, say, six months.

Somewhere right now, the ghost of Kevin McCallister has a boner.

4. Sometimes, people who have started watching ANTM this cycle will ask me, "Rich, why all the Mr. Jay hate?" I admit that he's been much more mild-tempered this cycle (I imagine him pulling on Tyra's skirt and saying, "Look, bitch, now I can't get mounted nearly as much as my is-it-chunk-or-muscle-ass needs it. Edit me right! Work it out!"). However, if you watched this episode and still don't have your answer, you are gayblind and should go and listen to Confessions of a Dance Floor and leave me alone.

Just kidding! (I wouldn't wish listening to that album upon anyone!)

But for real, let's review. First up:

I mean, come on with the confusion, both sexual and general. When I saw Jay's shirt, my balls imploded and my testosterone ran out of my pores. Now I'm asexual.  Thanks.

Second of all:

This is what he said when Kim told him about the Great Granola War: "This is like the whole age-old story. You know Showgirls or whatever, when she pushed the girl down the stairs or whatever 'cause she wanted to get somewhere else?" If Nomi had poured Cristal's cristal down the drain or threw away her Doggie Chow, it'd be a fine comparison. But she didn't and it's nonsense! Also, Showgirls as an age-old example? That is the gayest, anal-(as-in-butt-)est reference point ever. Moreso than All About Eve, even. (And, yeah, I know all about my fucking banner. Shut up, I hate you.)

This, of course, came up again at panel, when Tyra said that Jay said that Bre had "classic Showgirls syndrome." Thanks, Harry F. Homo! He also made up some shit about Jayla blowing him off when he told her to pose on a chair. You know I'm not on Team Jayla (y'know, the team with the kids who listen to My Chemical Romance that forgot their gym clothes again), but I was just as incredulous as she when I heard this.

Plus, even if that were true, he's such a tattle tale!

In conclusion, Jay is so barely a "Mr." (that Tyra dubbed him that says a lot about the men in her world, and really, I'd be willing to show her a thing or two, in the name of sexual understanding), he didn't get Showgirls and he is Salacious Crumb to Tyra's Jabba the Hut.

5. That Barry Lategan is a few bulbs short of a flash, isn't he?

It was fantastic when he greeted the girls to panel by saying "Welcome to your future." How positive!

Even better, obviously, was when he recalled telling Kim to think about her mother and her boyfriend during the photo shoot. Even though that brought laughter from all sides . . .

. . . I still don't think he got it. Bless his heart. It was just raised that way.

6. Speaking of that photo, am I crazy or does Kim . . .

kinda, sorta look like . . .

. . . Winston?

7. Likewise, compare the two and try, just try, to tell me there's no resemblance:

8. No, but for real, I like Nik a lot and I'll be more than happy to see her take this whole thing.

But as for those lesbian rumors, what say you Nik?

A POSSIBLE SPOILER STILL BASED IN SPECULATION FOLLOWS -- HIGHLIGHT THE TEXT BELOW TO SEE IT. OTHERWISE, CONTINUE ON TO POOR, SAD NAIMA . . .

(She already has a publicist, as the caption of the last picture on this page reveals. WINNER.)

9. "Makeup is a universal concept for women," says Naima. So is waiting tables while dreams fade in the background.

Stop serving foundation . . .

. . . and start serving.

10. Tyra demonstrates yet another money-making activity the contestants can do when the supermodel thing doesn't work out:

Always thinking of the girls!

Comments

[Darren]

As always absoulutely fucking hilarious!!! I love your Top Model recap more than the actual show. The drama in this one may have been childish, but it was captivating to watch unfold. It's too bad that Top Model is almost at an end.

[John]

I don't know exactly when it happened, but I've realized that I'm addicted to your weekly ANTM recap, and have converted from the Church of Television Without Pity to the Church of FourFour. Well played, Rich, well played.

[carlos]

lovely re-cap, as always, rich... and thanks for taking the piss out of bre a teensy bit this time, though she deserves much more... and, thanks, thanks, thanks so much for the grab of miss jay with the buck-teef: a priceless addition to my crispy-critter book!

question, anyone: was it just me and the wine or did the boobie-bodiced tee mr. jay was wearing sorta shift around for you, too? kinda like the chi-chi part was digitally pasted in and having trouble staying in one place? i swear every time they held it on screen it seemed to be moving independently, just ever-so-slightly... not like real dirty-pillows though, like digital ones!

[Saun]

Thanks for all of your ANTM recaps. They are almost better than watching ANTM. The commentary is hilarious!

[misso]

you're so hilarious. but don't you find that whenever nicole's about to cry, she does that weird, abnoxious thing w/ her face. it's true that people (not all) look ugly when they cry, but she looks like she smelled the stinkiest, most horrid turd or cheese.. i starded to notice, earlier in the show, and it made me cringe whenever she does it, ugh. perhaps make a college of her whiny faces, like u did for whitney, that'll be great.

[Procrastination_xtravaganza]

I love your recaps as much as, if not more than the show itself. I was hoping this week to get a sound byte of my favorite Bre line this episode "I don't like Nicole and I don't believe her story, if I hear about those energy drinks one more time, she'll be wearing it tonight." I lost my mind when she said that, Bre is everything. She's been my fave since whoever was blocking her view in the final all white group shot got booted and disappeared, leaving Bre's hot ass shot clear as day. I think it was plus sized Diana, I may be wrong. Anyway, thanks for the fun, and plz post that Bre byte if you get a chance.

[starstattoo]

If Bre has answered 'yes' when Tyra asked if she wanted to go home, I wonder if Tyra would have switched the photos. The Red Bull fiasco aside, I was sure Bre would be sent home when she started crying and talking during another girl's evaluation in panel.

Poor Kim got booted just as she finally started wearing makeup and that girly pearly necklace to judging. I bet there is a lot of footage in some Dumpster behind ANTM's editing facility that shows Twiggy and Nigel yelling at Tyra for wanting to boot Kim, and Tyra responding by showing them who signs their paychecks.

[spazmo]

So you bring up a vital point -- who would win a fight between Chucky and Predator?

Let's compare:

-Chucky leaves no heat signature.
-Chucky is batshit crazy.
-Chucky pours the enemy's energy supply down the drain.

-Predator is cool as a cucumber.
-Predator is sometimes happy to merely sit back and watch an adversary self-destruct.
-Predator be fierce, y'all.

[Jesse]

yet another marvoloso recap!

[carol =]]

your recap is good.

i like kim. now i loathe tyra. how could she boot kim... >O<

[carlos]

when nicole's crying she does look like she's caught a whiff of something turd-y... but her nose gets red and round and she looks like a clown altogether... not purdy!

[Rich]

Procrastination -- Good point. I totally grabbed that Bre "wearing it" rant and just forgot to post it. It's now under the Chucky picture. It makes more sense for the talking/killing Bre doll to have five phrases, anyway.

[markus]

jayla ate the granola bar. i felt totally jipped by tyra this week.

[Carly]

Feh. I don't care who wins anymore. The only thing that would recapture my interest is a catfight between the two Jays.

[Brains Nbooty]

this was my first visit to your site, and i must say you are hilarious. your recap of top model was fierce and dead-on. as a lesbian, i enjoyed kim until the point she said she was confused about her sexuality in judging one day; she just lost most of her cool points with me.

but i love, love, love bre. i want her to win, even though somebody gave a nasty spoiler. i should spank you!!!

p.s. jayla is pyscho!!

[Jamaican Goddess]

How funny is is that Nik's pic has been viewed 973 times and Nik's "friend" has been viewed 1896 times?!?

[a.]

Your recaps are the best!

[brandy]

The second Nicole sound bite made my dog get up and start whining!
She sounds just like if you kicked a small dog in a 900 dollar jacket and diamond studded collar, you know if a dog like that was ever even allowed to walk and wasnt always carried around in a 1000 dollar bag that you know smells like pee.

Another wonderful recap...see I dont need cable I have you!

[Quel]

Another great recap.

Kim definitely resembles Winston.

Is it me, or do Nik and Nigel seem to have a little something simmering?

[Alyson]

Lez go??? Oh my lord that is funny shit. I love you for days! I want you to live in my house and give me recaps on everything. Life would be so much funnier. Thank you. Also, i want to cat-nap Winston. He is amazing.

[MFoo]

I heard it through the grapevine that Kim was saying there was another lesbian in the house who was told to keep it on the DL cause Kim was the official token. Remember the scene in the confessional when Kim busts in on Nik's phone call and goes "She's the gayest thing in this house!"?

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmm.

[CAROL =[]

OH MY GOD HOW COULD KIM GET VOTED OFF.

i start losing interest in watching ANTM. hope nicole will win (most probably not..)

[marlo_girl]

is it me, or is kim her at her hottest when she's not trying to be a model? that goodbye shot of her in the hoodie with the fag behind her ear was smoking (so many puns, none intended)... straight as an arrow i may be, but i love me some kim.

HOWEVER...

when it came down to choosing the lickalottapuss or brebre from the block, my heart was in harlem and i crossed every possible appendage in the hopes that bre would stay for another week.

my prayers were answered.

and, i'm with john: i too have converted to the church of Fourfour without even so much as a backward glance at my former place of worship TVWOP...

PREACH, rich, PREACH!

[Insane n da membrane]

I agree with the posters who say that four four has replaced my TWOP addiction. Much funnier and with images too.

The Bre/Chucky photo is a classic!!

*MUAH**

[Rich]

Well, since nobody asked: my love for TWoP hasn't wavered. I think Potes is a genius and I look forward to her recaps every week. The Internet's big enough for both of us (not to mention TVGasm, Fans of Reality TV and whomever else cares enough about ANTM to write about it). At least, my world is.