The Crap of Life

Lisa Whelchel "Good Girl"

Is there anything more novel than pseudo-new wave done by Blair fucking Warner? Why yes, there is: pseudo-new wave done by Blair fucking Warner on an otherwise all-Contemporary Christian album! Released in 1984, the Grammy-nominated (lauded!) All Because of You is a sea of capitalized "Him"s and "You"s, a plea for prayer and naïveté ("I'm aware -- obedience / Can be hard -- seem unfair / Don't ask why -- obedience / Why waste time -- time can fly," goes Blair). It's all very rich coming from a woman who played a character that was among the cuntiest to be accompanied by a laugh track -- maybe this was Whelchel's self-inflicted penance for laying down the template on how to be the bitch to children of the '80s?

Above everything, All Because of You is my best vinyl find in recent memory -- $1 for a mint copy with the lyric sheet insert! I treasure it mostly because of the splendor of "Good Girl." While God isn't mentioned directly in "Good Girl," the song keeps with the album's value-centric theme by flinging judgment like a sprinkler pumped with holy water. This righteously vague gem is the musical equivalent of looking down glasses with crossed eyes. If you didn't catch all the sanctimoniousness, read the words. And then wonder to yourself, "What the fuck is this bitch's problem?"

This bitch, as in, the central character, who wrestles with temptations like makeup and having friends. Who reads Seventeen with her feet and carries around pantyhose in trash bags. Who befriends kids with hitchhiking tendencies and who sports large, light- (yes, that kind) blocking sunglasses. Whose climax (no, not that kind) comes as a result of a speeding ticket. Naughty!

Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck this song is about. How is the character worse off after giving into her demons, when she's introduced to us as freshman in high school who's almost 16, wearing children's apparel and going by the nickname "Little Princess"? Is this song really saying that being ambiguously retarded is better than being social and presentable? Why be a good girl, indeed.

Besides Whelchel's bratty delivery (Kathleen Hanna better respect!), my favorite part of this song is the line about the good girl/not good girl needing a "love without condition." The only way her teenage ass is going to find that is by getting knocked up! It's God's way!

Comments

[brandy]

I was on her website a couple of weeks back, she is completely christian crackers!
Going on about how it tells you how to be a good wife in some passage in the bible, or someting like that.

I so need to hear that song now!

[sean]

I always liked the fat girl better. You know - the really ugly one.

[Carly]

Good lord, where do you find this stuff!?

[Chris]

I'm reminded of my favorite Christian rock band, Faith + 1.

[Chris]

http://www.southparkstudios.com/show/display_episode.php?season=7&id1=709&id2=108

[Nat]

I wish there had been a very special episode of "Facts of Life" where Blair realizes she has a crush on Jo (hello! it IS an all-girls boarding school, after all?), and Jo totally seduces her but then casually dumps her for a nicer girl. You know Blair secretly lusted for Bad Girl Jo, and wanted her to sweep her off her Princess Pumps and onto the back of that motorcycle! In my head it's all very James Dean/Natalie Wood--only with an 80s babydyke twist.

[Nat]

PS--although I'm a total sucker for a tabby, I heart Winston. And Kim *sigh*

[Nikki]

The song is amazing. All I got from it was "why be a good girl?". Pretty vague for a christian song.

[rh]

Yeah, but it's Tootie's record that makes me wanna dance!!!

[Foxy]

I bet Cousin Geri would have loved this song.

[Kenneth]

I'll swap you for my Glenn Scarpelli 12-inch single of "Get A Love On" ...

http://rateyourmusic.com/artist/glenn_scarpelli

[erica]

This certainly is craptastic! Lisa Welchel is totally bonkers now. She's like super conservative Christian who is a bonkers mother...if I may just post this excerpt from her journal.

"On Thanksgiving morning I woke up mad and afraid. I went to bed the night before having discovered for the second time in a week that Tucker had watched a movie that would not have been allowed – had he bothered to ask or even think. On both occasions a friend was spending the night and brought the DVD over. I understand that it would have been difficult and embarrassing to say, “Hey, that is not the kind of movie that I want to watch” or even, “My parents would kill me if I watched that kind of movie in our home.”
I’m also not so naïve to think that he didn’t want to watch the movies. One was funny, (though inappropriate,) the other was about Rock and Roll, (and all the worldliness that often accompanies it.) I was angry that he watched the movies knowing how we, and more importantly, the Lord would feel about it. I was afraid because I knew the issue was of the heart."

To view the complete madness that once Blair, visit: http://www.lisawhelchel.com/

[moss]

she's got a pro-spanking article on beliefnet.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/67/story_6770_1.html

so glad I am not her kid.

[candycorn]

the pic on her main web site (http://www.lisawhelchel.com/) is very child of the corn-esque. "look into my plastic face! do it!!"

[candycorn]

and check out her journal entry (http://www.lisawhelchel.com/journal/archives/2005_11_28.html#000031#more) -- she was feeling "depressed and oppressed" because her kid watched ungodly movies?! guesses on what he was watching? ("One was funny, (though inappropriate,) the other was about Rock and Roll, (and all the worldliness that often accompanies it.)" -- i'm guessing dodgeball and school of rock ...

[nicole]

Too fucking funny that you spent time analyzing this! Blair was a great bitch on Facts of Life.
Why carry nylons in trash bags though? Does it prevent snags? I love her hot vest with the collar up.

[Steph]

Direct Quote from her site under faith...."Because God loved us so much He sent His only Son, Jesus, to forgive us of our sins. "Sins" is such a religious sounding word. It literally means, "missing the mark," like on a dartboard. I think it is safe to say that we have all "missed the mark" at some point in our lives. Jesus came to make our aim, and lives, straight so that we no longer need to miss out on what God has planned for us."
**Oh Holy CooCooCaChu-ed-ness***

I can't believe that people actually think like this!! These are the same people who believe that there really is a devil and further that he is the source of their misfortune. All the while the rest of us mildly stable folk know that's what WE in the merry little land of Reality call ADVERSITY!!!
Speaking of reality… I don’t think that this woman has had enough reality scooped out for her Blair hair pampered ass to lead anyone into a judgment laden women oppressing religion such as Christianity! –Seriously just because this woman is living off of the nest egg created and slaved over while she was in her prime gives her no right to flaunt the funds and attempt to lead masses to the light. She’s just selling out like all the other nutty-fantastic holy rollers of Hollywood.
Where the hell is Tootie when you need her? Wasn’t she the one who talked some sense into Little Miss Blair Hair when she got all out of order on that show?
Just what the hell compels people to ‘reach out’ like this? Sure hope that Tom Cruse doesn’t get wind of this little shit-tastic site…Wouldn’t want him to commence with a site on that line of Scientology horseshit! Keep this one on the D L fools..lol

[Steph]

I'm sorry... I HAD to post more... It's like a train wreck! I can't take my eyes off of it....

My favorite part was the journey. I learned a lot about the Father-heart of God as I walked behind my friend, Bill, watching him hike alongside his three-year-old daughter. Sometimes he carried her; at other times he simply held her hand. Occasionally he let her walk alone, but he never let go of her with his eyes.

All along the way he encouraged her with, “You’re a good little hiker”, as if he were noticing this for the first time. She knew better than that, “Oh, Daddy, you always are saying that. And, I’m smart too, you always are saying.”

That’s one of the reasons I like to read my Bible everyday. I like to hear my Father tell me over and over again that I can make it to the end of my journey because I’m smart enough to know when to hold His hand, when to let Him carry me and when to enjoy just being the apple of His eye.

We all hiked up quite an appetite and devoured lunch in a garden setting by the river. I love Oregon! No wonder old hippies never die, they just move to Oregon - and we saw one of them today, in all his glory. We were hiking to Sahalie Falls just as Mr. Hippie was getting dressed after a not-so-skinny dip in the McKenzie River. Haven got quite the eyeful and has already made one memory on this trip that she would like to forget. She begged Bill to go beat him up. She reasoned, “He abused me with his nakedness.” How is it that a nine-year-old can sound like a bad Romance novel when she’s never even read one? I prayed over her, asking the Lord to overexpose that picture in her mind by shining the Light of Jesus on it. Oh, the memories we are already making on The Family Dream!

[Steph]

You know you're addicted to some Jesus when you have a journal & you write THIS in it, instead of beating the ever loving piss out of your kids for not respecting your fricking psycho house rules:

"So, I began to think of character traits of the Lord and dwell on them, rather than the circumstances of this particular morning." (Because like Bre has taught us... GOD HATES UGLY PEOPLE!!!)
"God is faithful, merciful, powerful, loving - to me and my children. I then began to think of promises in His Word for my children and rest in them rather than in what I could see or feel or fear in this moment."
(Why you ask yourself? lol WHY??? Because she loves her some Jesus... that's why.. instead of beating her chillun senseless she's trying to focus on Jesus... ahhh touching this is a VERY dynamic family... the son is addicted to naughty PG rated movies and the momma is addicted to Jesus) oooh lord be with us all through our dramatic life struggles..lol

[Gigi]

Holy Jesus! She prayed over her daughter because she saw a half-naked hippy?!? She should keep her kids far far away from my house! Half-naked hippies abound!

...And, where in the bible does it say that you should beat up ugly people? Her daughter is totally reading Hustler! "He abused me with his nakedness"????????? What the f-ck is that?????

[jimmy]

I once worked at a resteraunt in the washington DC area and had the pleasure of waiting on Lisa and her family (they were in town for a political/ religous revival thingy)

Well, at first i was kind of siked to be waiting on a tv star from my childhood................that is till 1 minute into the experience and they turned out to be the most NON-humbel ...Demanding pigs I have ever seen. nothing was ever good enough (though jesus himself used rocks as pillows) and totaly complained at the automatic gratuity that was added to the bill. Her kids were obnoxious brats and her husband struck me as a big old closet case queen to boot.

[MiniMe]

Why are you all so afriad of Christians?

[TaDa]

No one is afraid of Christians who go on a live their life and are nice people, but people like whats her face (she in fact got in trouble because people were finding out she liked to use hot sauce to punish her kids) who flaunt their holier then though attitude is what people don't like. I think she is just as bad as the Kirk Cameron and Candace Cameron Bure. Have you seen their websites????? F*cked up!!!!

[TaDa]

No one is afraid of Christians who go on a live their life and are nice people, but people like whats her face (she in fact got in trouble because people were finding out she liked to use hot sauce to punish her kids) who flaunt their holier then though attitude is what people don't like. I think she is just as bad as the Kirk Cameron and Candace Cameron Bure. Have you seen their websites????? F*cked up!!!!

[Rich]

Mainly, I'm afraid of Christian music. The vaguer the scarier!