The queen is hyped up

I like dick, but I don't like Madonna and that makes me feel so very very very very very very very very alone.

FOD might as well be changed to FOM for all the gay love Madonna receives for just showing up (which is all she does on the beyond-dull Confessions on a Dance Floor, a record so wooden it might as well contain the confessions of a dance floor, but more on that in a sec). What bothers me is not the acceptance, but the seeming blindness of many of the above-linked reviews and reports that comes with the acceptance: they lavish praise without bothering to explain why (the worst culprit is the yeah-yeah-yeah-whatever-of-course-of-course 'tude of the Queerty link -- so much for "useful information" and not feeding into stereotypes). To a large chunk of mostly white, mostly well-off, mostly youngish, mostly tech-savvy gay men, Madonna is great, duh, except for when she's absolutely unbearable (and many a homo still will defend American Life, a record so confused and ultimately stupid that it couldn't even manage to be lucidly hypocritical). The gay default musical taste is Madonna. She is the fail-safe choice, the aural equivalent of shopping at the Gap.

While there, keep in mind that on Wednesdays, we wear pink.

As someone who loves pop music, I can't exclude myself from those who have appreciated Madonna's output. Before 1996's Evita, in fact, I was a huge fan, but then, I was also a teenager. What eventually repelled me was her noxious mixture of triteness and arrogance, two things I wasn't equipped to take issue with or even be aware of at such a young age. When both came to a point most clearly ("I wanted to put a face on it," she said of Ray of Light's take on electronic music, as though people like Donna Summer, Bernard Sumner and Björk never existed or made videos or were somewhat iconic themselves), I'd had enough. What was liking her worth, anyway? She can't really sing (though it's reasonable that you could like her voice the way you like your culinarily untrained mother's cooking). She can't write. She's savvy and sometimes quick-witted, but rarely does she exhibit the kind of intellect she'd love for us to believe that she possesses. I don't care about dancing or mysticism or flashes of contrived modesty. Yes, she supports the gay community, and has forever, but must that come with the cost of punishment through having to endure babble? Despite her practical reservation on at least one rung of the gay gene's helix, Madonna has very little to offer me (in fact, her music that I still enjoy -- mostly that of her debut album, before she created her know-it-all/know-nothing persona -- I enjoy despite her).

The feminist in me applauds Madonna and recognizes her boldness as a pioneer in the mainstream discourse of women's sexuality; the fag in me turns up my nose at the bait she's dangling in front of me (oooh, dance music!). Not that the package is so attractive, anyway -- Confessions on a Dance Floor thumps and thumps but fails to blow the roof off this sucker with its maudlin, clanking and mushy production and default mode of tunelessness (Stuart Price, whose participation had me interested in this album in the first place, bows under the weight of Madonna's whip, no doubt). The notion that Madonna should do anything but turn out mindless dance music is absurd -- I mean, really, these are her confessions? In her lyrics, my friend Sal Cinquemani hears "cliches [turned] into pop slogans," but what I hear is someone who has virtually nothing to say, whose dry, somnambulist delivery (once the charisma-filled redemption to her technical shortcomings) bespeaks motions that are just being gone through because it's been two and a half years and it's time to make a new record. I hear a supposedly intelligent woman who, without a trace of irony, will pepper her lyrics with: "Love at first sight"; "You're not half the man you think you are"; "Save you words because you've gone too far"; "At the point of no return"; "Hearts that intertwine"; "I'm going down my own road"; "The only thing you can depend on is your family." I hear someone butchering the English language just so we can hear her voice.

That isn't generosity, you know.

But then, what can be expected from a woman whose idea of a poem goes like this:

I have a cage
It's called the stage
When I'm let out
I run about
And sing and dance and sweat and yell
I have so many tales to tell
I like to push things to the edge
And inch my way along the ledge
I feel like God, I feel like shit
The paradox, an even split
It's just a job, I always say
I should be grateful everyday
Sometimes I think I just can't do it
But I persist and I get through it
And I console myself each night . . .

This poem is from her tour documentary I'm Going To Tell You a Secret, which I had prepared to tear apart in this very space before I saw it. Instead, though, I found the film oddly moving, despite being marred by an abundance of (live renditions of) her more recent music and her unfailing sense of entitlement. It was actually at this point in the film that I decided I wouldn't be recapping, as it just struck me as too sad and pathetic to laugh at publicly. I pitied her myopic view of poetry, her reliance on the most obvious of rhymes and her trusted cliches (we now know why the caged bird performs). It seems that there's a cage around not just her outer life, but her inner one as well, limiting self-expression that sometimes desperately wants out.

But after viewing the willfully nonobjective "criticism" that emerged in the wake of Confessions on a Dance Floor's Internet leak, I feel the need to expose just how easy it is to point out her creative deficiency. Andy Towle posted his review just a few hours after the album leaked. So quick and unquestioning is the piece that you get the feeling that the record could have sounded like anything any it would have elicited the same praise.

What bothers me the most about Andy's review and the many, many that have popped up in a row like smiling Stepford flowers, is that the vehicle for the gushing is what could be used to stop it: the Internet. One thing I've left out in my criticism of her is Madonna's frequent borrowing from the underground, something that doesn't bother me as much as it's come to bore me. See, at various points in time leading up to the dawn of the Internet's vitalness as a source of information, Madonna's flagrant cultural mining was actually useful in exposing Middle America to sights, sounds and, effectively, cultural experiences it never would bother to access, but more importantly, couldn't access. Technology, though, has come close to deeming this and her irrelevant (lest we're counting on Madonna's interpretive skills, and I hope that I've at least proved why I'm not). You can, for example, open up a P2P that will allow you to download hundreds of Italo disco tracks that "Hung Up" and "Forbidden Love" aspire to sounding like. You can go back with a click and listen to the French filter house that "Get Together" ganks (Andy correctly points to Stardust's "Music Sounds Better With You" as a reference point on that one, and just invoking that bit of musical sunshine is what makes "Get Together" work better than anything else on the record, by the way). Without having to blow off dusty vinyl, you can hear why "Future Lovers" is such a boneheaded effrontery to its infinitely richer sampled source, Donna Summer's "I Feel Love."

(It's important to note here that M.I.A., who similarly puts chutzpah before technique [more honestly than Madonna, even], seems to have the right idea for culturally mining, or as Simon Reynolds somewhat infamously put it, exhibiting "great taste in Other People's Music," as she dines out on cultures that have very little to do with the Internet/digital lifestyle. M.I.A.'s cultural reporting via using sounds like bhangra and favela funk in a pop context is, at the very least, a lot less obvious than the I'm-sure-paid-no-attention-to-electroclash ideal of Confessions.)

This is not to attack anyone's taste (certainly, as someone who's constantly looking for ideas to explore here and who's critical in nature, I benefit from and enjoy a difference of opinion), but to question it and to throw out a rare voice of dissent. Is it really a matter of taste, anyway? When unanimous, knee-jerk praise supersedes the notion of objectivity, we're looking at something that would be so easy to write off as groupthink if this collective obsession with Madonna didn't start in childhood for so many (what came first: Madonna or the gay?). That I don't devour the shit she flings at me doesn't make me better than my fellow homosexuals, probably just bitchier (certainly, there's a host of what you could call "gay music" that I love a lot, starting with house). And (here's my confession), I'm probably doing a bit of overcompensating in the face of all the unconditional love. I can't help it. Like Madge says herself, nobody's perfect.

At least we can all agree on that, right?

Comments

[Mr. Dr.]

Personally I hope that you recover from AIDS and then Aaron Lemmings gets scabies that are infected with herpes. And then I hope Madonna gets a toe fungus and a horrible rash that forces her out of the public eye forever. Or for some poetic justice, a flesh-eating virus, something that will strip her of her surface.

AIDS...what a dick.

[J.C. Boyles]

READING THIS THREAD IS SO PATHETIC! I personally feel that gays ripping Madonna is like Blacks ripping Rosa Parks. Madonna is pure music genius. If you don't believe me, do a google search for reviews of "Ray of Light" and "Like A Prayer."

[sean]

I dunno...

Like - she's no Grace Jones, ok?

[carlos]

thank god

[Mr. Dr.]

"READING THIS THREAD IS SO PATHETIC! I personally feel that gays ripping Madonna is like Blacks ripping Rosa Parks."

How so?

Isn't Madonna deeply into a religion that has very negative views on homosexuality?

[David]

On second thought, nevermind when the gap-faced cow is going to die just kill ME, get me off this pathetic ball of dirt filled with pop-apologists and vapid queens. Will one of you AIDSY gays kindly knock me up with your charged load and get me outta here??? We can meet at one of those steamy crystal-meth parties in Chelsea where they're sure to be playing "Confession of a Dance Floor" while everyone swaps hot loads and tina's their life away. Wait, does AIDS kill anymore? I thought you could, like, abort it nowadays with all those cool new drugs that are served in cocktails like "Sex and the City"!!!

if you pay attention you would know that not only is kaballah not a religion, but that madonna is opposed to all religions because she says "they segregate". all the religious talk from her over her career was always about asking questions about what you believe in -- she was never preachy.

[dudeface]

ik ben droevig - lol i just downloaded madonna's sorry and she must have used bablefish to translate that into dutch.

[Penny Woods]

Loved the post and although I'm not a gay man and I like the early Madonna stuff better than the post 2000 stuff, I agree. Seeing all these pro-Madonna fans on this post remind me of those Madge-trolls on Amazon.com attempting to knock off Mariah Carey to get people to buy COADF by improving its user rating and lowering the ratings of Mariah's albums...it's pathetic and it shows that some people aren't accepting of negative viewpoints.

Oh, and more people bought TEOM the first week in release than COADF, so on behalf of all people who like pop music but hate trolls (and critics, like Rolling Stone!) that blindly claim that an album is the BEST EVAR without giving good reason, please STFU.

[Liz]

You are a very good writer, honey. Love to the kitties!

[Cutest Panda in the World]

For the longest time there's been a spooky faction of gay men -- I call 'em the "Bates Motel crowd" -- who have a violently rabid devotion to Strong Women.

This stuff has always been so nakedly Freudian in the most middle-brow and unselfconscious way, that it's seemed, to me at least, like a bonafide personality disorder.

At best it's an artifact of an era when gay men were taught to believe that a gay man is a man who really wants to be a woman.

Thank God that era, like Madonna's career, is in its death throes.

I suppose there will forever be gay men who think drag queens are perpetually hillarious, and who believe that Madonna played an "important" role in gay life, just as there will always be right-wing fundamentalists who believe fags are evil and will burn in hell.

But just because some things hang around forever doesn't mean that I have to take them seriously or feel that they're of any legitimate value.

[sweetandbitter]

Just a thought, but isn't the whole point of pop music the fact that you get to be mindless and dance and forget about the serious things in life? I have plenty of heavy music to listen to. The thing that has been great about Madonna's music is what I miss most about '80s music in general - the simplicity, yet catchiness of a tune, and you don't have to think or ponder on the world's problems, you can just get caught up in the dance beat and smile for awhile. As serious as Madonna takes herself, she must not take herself too seriously, since she writes and sings the most simplistic songs. There are enough performers out there with black eyeliner and black clothes singing about politics and doom and gloom. Its nice to have a break from that every once and awhile, and just be carefree. To bury oneself in mindless dribble on occasion is actually refreshing. I thank her for that. even stupid songs like Who's That Girl?, are an absolute escape from the everyday grind. Thanks to Maddona for 20 years of providing a background to traveling to the void. It has been very much appreciated.

[heard it all before....]

I think it's hilarious that some people have this quasi-intellectual need for everything to be relevant and profound to come out from all of Madonna's body of work. And for what? So they can feel good about themselves and feel superior/intelligent? So that they can discuss over coffee/tea Madonna's hidden meanings in her songs/books and the amazing barriers she has broken? Surely, she has made records and movies that weren’t anywhere near what the public demands from her. That's not her problem! She's an artist and her track record speaks volumes of the personal highs which she celebrates (in her music), and of the personal shit that she needed to wade through.

Obviously, some of her work can be remedial and freshman-ish, some overtly sexual (particularly her Sex/Erotica phase), but when has Madonna been consistently super deep? Like A Prayer? Ray of Light? Maybe. How about American Life?

The point is, Madonna’s not perfect... no artist is! She’s a fantastic pop culture machine. I love her, but to think she’s always spitting out really deep/exceptional shit, or to expect she should always spit out really deep/exceptional shit, is really stupider than stupid!

[Aspirine]

Love it !
Shame you're not very cute otherwise i would have married you !

[AnnoyedUS]

I know that this response comes late in the game...but seeing as Madonna has only just kicked off the US leg of her tour, I think a little input would still be relevant.

I couldn't agree more with the post two above mine (by "heard it all before...")...or less with the original.

People who criticize Madonna as being "vapid", "arrogant", "talentless", etc., while claiming to be "huge pop music fans" piss me off.

This certainly isn't the first time I've heard these opinions of Madonna...nor will it be the last. But in my experience, I've found that most often, those who criticize Madonna for her vapidness, shallowness, etc. (usually self-proclaimed intellectual superiors) actually have NO IDEA what pop music is supposed to be...and yet, they consider themselves pop-music fans.

If I may, let me direct you "big thinkers" to something called an Encyclopedia. FYI: An encyclopedia is a coprehensive work that contains information on virtually any and all branches or KNOWLEDGE. If you're interested, you may go to wikipedia.org...an online Encyclopedia. Feel free to type "pop music" into the search engine, and see what you find.

Some of the more interesting points made by the article include:

1.) The definition of the pop genre as "music produced commercially, for profit, 'as a matter of enterprise, not art'...whose content is driven by market as well as aesthetic forces".

2.) The idea that "[pop music] attemps to resonate with a large segment of its target demographic rather than pushing artistic boundaries".

If the above two thoughts are too difficult for you...allow me to summarize.
Pop music is not supposed to be content-heavy, and we're not supposed to have to dig deep for the hidden meanings. It is what it is...and a true "fan" accepts that. Its fun, lighthearted...and yes, occasionally pretty shallow. But its designed to be as such, so quit your bitching.

Using those thoughts, allow me to shift gears and address your American Life slam. (Yes, I will defend it.) I'll certainly admit that American Life is by far one of Madonna's weakest albums due to the fact that her career is built around being a pop icon...and plain and simple, American Life is not what I would call a pop album. The lyrics are definitely heavy compared to say, "Music", and the music itself moves away from the trip-hop/electronic/dance combination that Madonna is so often associated with. I guess I won't go any farther here, because I don't expect or event want to change your opinion of the album. Take it for what it is...and if you don't like it, thats fine. Don't listen to it. But I like the album, and those of you who try to beat its alleged worthlessness into other people's heads annoy the shit out of me. Grow up.

In closing, I have one final remark.
Anybody who calls Madonna "talentless", "dull", "garbage" (insert your insult of choice)...really doesn't have a clue. Madonna's talent and success as an "artist" are undeniable. She is the most successful female recording artist of all time, and hasn't shown any signs of stopping yet. Add to that the fact that shes been around for going on 3 decades, is coming upon the age of 50, and still outperforms the Madonna-wannabe pop-princesses of our generation...and I don't see how people can't at least give her some sort of credit. For someone to last as long as she has in the entertainment industry, while continually producing Number 1's, is pretty remarkable. Obviously, her continual "reinventions" are not without success.

Oh, and p.s., if Madonna is vapid and shallow...then what is there to say about Kylie Minogue? As big or bigger than Madonna throughout Europe, I can't think of a song that primarily comprised of"LaLaLaLaLa's"...

Go figure.

[kww]

Wow...finally someone is seeing this dried up old untalented wind bag for what she is...I doubt that when she is 60 and still trying to belt out like a virgin that even the gay community will be willing to listen...she is on a death spiral IMO and is trying to latch on the next young shooting star to hook her parasitic talons into and suck the life out of in order to keep her anemic career going...she recently stated in a magazine article that she rarely lets her daughter see her perform and definately she did not let her watch her on MTV when she tongued kissed Britney and Christina...she says she does not even let them watch tv at home yet she thrives on pumping out that image to other peoples kids...that is why she is linked to Lindsay Lohan and Britney...their audience is in her daughters peer group...that little slip in moral judgement will come back to bite her when her kids get older...further she has become the very religious fanatic that she has alwasy rebelled against in her music...what an f'n joke...her daughter will be rebleiing against Kabblah like Madonna does the Catholic church one day...wake up Madonna...you are a media whore, publicityy prostitute and have made a science out of hypocrisy!

[digibudi]

There's a lot to say about comments, as they reflect the writers personality. I think true wisdom should be listening, not talking.

[hat-mccay]

What more can a person say about the Beast... I can only reiterate that her hypocrisy is monumental....she has made a billion$$ from appearing on TV!!! in fact NBC is paying millions to broadcast this COAD shit....wasn`t it just months ago she blasted TV...from where the hell does she think her fans watch MTV...just a question and as for her kids I can hardly wait to see how they will react when someone brings the Sex Book to school for show and tell.

[sigmund1979]

This being my first post I want to say I love your blog, Rich! I'm officially addicted! While I disagree with your views on Madonna I respect them since they're delivered so deliciously.

I'd like to say to the people going on about how they hate Madonna as if it's such a unique stance - like they're the first to ever do it - that people have been bitching about her since the very beginning. Anyone old - or is that wise? - enough to remember 1993 knows the story. So really you guys aren't being the revolutionaries you think you are. In fact, you're actually feeding into the machine.

[romeo]

The genius of Madonna is that she takes plastic dance pop elements and infuses them with a little bit of that something extra that makes an enduring piece of pop art. There's real artistic unity and vision beneath the trashy elements. The same is true of her 80s image... The blond hair, the Monroe-ish sexy/innocence, the religious stuff, all of it was resonant in ways that most performers only dream about. There can be profundity in simplicity. "Life is a mystery/Everyone must stand alone"... we have yet to hear Britney, Justin Timberlake or anyone approach those lyrics in a dance-pop context.

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