A stupid, stupid reunion

Way to go, Tyra, with that final episode of ANTM Cycle 5.

"Episode."

What kind of shady shit was it to be all like, "Oh, come watch my reunion show" . . .

. . . only for it to be an episode of The Tyra Banks Show when it came back from the first break!

Duped! I told you that she's very, very devilish.

Although really, I don't ever have to be fooled to watch The Tyra Banks Show. But that's just me.

Anyway, format was far from the biggest problem -- really, even though it was a cheap don't-forget-about-my-day-job reminder from Tyra, it kinda made sense to have all the girls on the same stage together and if it had to be on her talk show set, fine. The worst thing was how boring that shit was!

Bored all around!

Anyway, there's very little to report or make fun of here (for once) -- the show mostly consisted of Tyra asking the girls things we already knew ("Are you cool now, Lisa and Coryn?" Yeah, they're cool, as we found out during that damn clips show you made us watch). But just in case you missed it, here's a look at how all the girls turned out:

She's actually hot! Who knew?

The shade of eyeshadow? Child Whore.

We'll get to her again in a second, but as bratty as she was, I think she was right about her hair. Also, she suddenly reminds me of one of my favorite people in the world from high school (Carly Lefferson, you're my hero, if y'know, you're still alive!). So now I love Cassandra.

Duck, duck . . . lez?

Still not jolly enough!

After a brief stop at pretty, Coryn got right back on the bus to confusing. May the penis rumors never die!

The girl who was perhaps robbed the most looked the best post-show. Justice!

Lisa's . . .

. . . still Lisa. Stay gold, Peepeegirl.

I know she probably attributes the fact that her appearance hasn't changed to her inherent boyishness. But it's a good look!

If you don't watch out, Jayla will molest you. So will her teeth.

I think God probably likes sophisticated, so she's good.

Her bubble may have burst, but her bubble eyes did not.

I'm still not convinced.

Her tongue is planning its escape.

Also, when she walked out and did this . . .

. . . just, ugh. I see a child playing dress up (and not a child who looks like connected toothpicks strung out on horse, as per the industry standard).

But whatever, Tyra apparently sees "high fashion" in her. Thanks to a snatch (and I mean snatch!) of red carpet footage from the finale party, we get a bonus Tyraism of the Week! Listen!

"She's a pure model. And that's what we wanted this year."

Is she saying that Nicole is a virgin? Is she admitting that the show has been a sham up to this point and little, couture-ish Nicole is her only hope for redemption? This show isn't called America's Next Pure Model, TyTy!

Oh, so what did we learn from talking to the girls post-show? Like nothing.

Well, maybe, like, three things.

Ashley's engaged to this guy . . .

. . . she must be Diane to his Woody.

Cassandra took us through her journey of self-rediscovery via extensions.

This is what she said she was looking for. How sassy. Aunt Sassy.

And Nicole is getting to shoot with Gilles Bensimon again for a six-page couture spread in Elle. He liked her "so much" that he requested this. But does he like her like her?

Meanwhile, since she was on what can only be described as her home turf, it was business as usual for Tyra and her face.

Finally, there was a teaser promo for Cycle 6. The theme is "transformation" and I'm really, really, really hoping that this means either deformities all around or penises that need to be lopped off. America's Next Pure Model Tranny might make my head explode!

Oh, and as far as working with the Crying Count numbers . . . yeah, I didn't do shit for that. But someone else did! A reader by the name of Toho crunched and crunched and sent me a spreadsheet of all kinds of crying averages (per episode, per girl). Take a look.

Basically, Kim was the driest (surprise!) and Bre was the biggest cryer with an average of one time per episode. Thas my girl!

Anyway, if you've read this far: thanks! Sharing what I love about this show has been so much fun. It feels awesome to be encouraged to spew my nonsense -- and here, I thought I was failing in life. So yeah, thanks for making like good cult around one of the few pieces of current pop culture campy enough to deserve such reverence. You all make me feel mighty real!

And if, like me, you're feeling sad about the end of the cycle, don't cry. Instead, eat a cookie.

Comments

[brandy]

If you ever want a child I will gladly lend you my womb!
Because that spreadsheet rocks!

Thats Ashley's fiance? Is he loaded or something?
Although the nerdy ones are usually the well hung ones so maybe the secret is in his pants.

and its hightime for some Cat action...like an early furry xmas pressie.
please

[Joe CuttheShit]

"After a brief stop at pretty, Coryn got right back on the bus to confusing. May the penis rumors never die!" Oh. My. God. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I mean everything. You get it ALL right on. Nice work!!

[Quel]

I was so annoyed by that stupid look on Nicole's face.

Interesting that when Tyra addressed the audience, the first thing she did was justify why Nicole won.

And if they're looking for a high fashion coutour model, then say that in the beginning...and don't include a plus-size girl in the running! That's not high fashion, and I'm sure ANTM won't be the catalyst for that kind of change inthe fashion industry.

I still LOVE Lisa. She should be an actress.

Did anyone catch Yaya in that Radio Shack ad?

Rich, you made Cycle 5 SO MUCH FUN! Please never stop the recaps. Checking your blog post show is SO automatic for ma now.

I look forward to your recaps of Cycle 6 as much as I look forward to Cycle 6.

[Ambre]

Brilliant spreadsheet, Toho!

[mariootsa]

i can't wait for spring! these recaps have been most entertaining...it is I who feel honoured. by the way, jayla is still pure skank with brown scary teeth, and she TOTALLY stole that damn granola bar!

[mariootsa]

by the way, every time ebony opened her mouth i wanted to smack her senseless...how many times did she include the word 'like' into every non-sensical sentence? she is so inarticulate it is scary...she grew up in an english-speaking country, right?

[AJH]

Rich, I have to tell you that throughout this entire reunion show, the words "Um" and "Ew" kept running through my head over and over and making me giggle. You're a gem!

Kyle is looking fierce! I don't why they made her a brunette on the show when she was clearly best as a blonde.

I LOVE Kim and Lisa...if they were looking for "high fashion" then why in the world did these two get cut? Oh...maybe cuz it's a bit of BS. If I swung her way, I'd hit on Kim...she's a cutie.

I agree w/ mariootsa...Jayla so took those stupid cereal bars. That and she's a crappy liar. Can I send her the name of my dentist...he's pretty good.

And how sad did Sarah look when Kim basically said she was just using her for booty? Poor thing is a tad confused these days...

Rich, thanks for the great recaps! Can't wait for next season, bring on the deformities!

[M to the G]

Quel was right. I sensed a need to justify in the opening.

And yes the "reunion" was boring and yes someone else should have won and I don't like anyone touching my food either. But I will be right there for Cycle 6 and Rich's insights always double the fun of the big old mess that is ANTM.

[dede]

poor sad nicole. anybody notice, at the end, how everyone was talking, dancing together, kim and lisa were about 3 seconds from all-out necking....and there was nicole, all by herself, doing lame little moves to the music.
i think they all know nik was robbed.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

when they panned to ashley's fiance, i had to do a double-take.
am i going to hell for laughing as hard as i did? anyways, the reunion show was awful! naughty tyra, not doing it up proper.

[Carly]

The fact that they brought up the damn granola bar thing was so stupid. But I have a theory: the crew took them to cause strife in the house because save for Lisa, this cycle was The. Most. Boring. Evah. Right down to the winner.

[Summer]

That reunion show was some mess. Period.

[marlo_girl]

when i saw that you were reviewing the reunion show, i was immediately sorry i missed it. and now after reading the review i'm not sorry at all... from all accounts it was boring, boring, and... did i say boring?

nice job on the recap though. nicole is NOT high fashion, jayla DID eat the granola bars, and i can't WAIT for season six to begin... tyra, her devilishness and her fivehead included.

thanks for the weekly recaps! see ya at 6!

[Jaser]

Rich, you are the goddamn wittiest person whose writing I have had the pleasure of reading lately. As an amateur snarkblogger myself, I worship at your altar. Please don't give this up. Ever. I laugh til' I cry.

[Tipsy McStaggers]

Rich you have made me love ANTM as much as I love Whitney and Bobby. Thanks for all of the long hours of work

[Sheila]

I admit to being somewhat disappointed that I would be missing this "reunion" show as last night was my office Christmas party. Thanks for coming through for me!

Ashley's intended reminds me of someone, but I can't quite think of who. I really dig his eyebrows, though. They look like those ones on ventriloquists' dummies that can be controlled.

[sean]

"America's Next Pure Model Tranny"....!!

Ok. Now ya did it. Nurse? Oxygen, please.

[Silo]

Did anyone catch Tyra accidentally admitting that Cover Girl calls the shots with certain elimination choices? I have to watch it again to clarify.

[DRONE]

You're the best, FourFour. And for the record, I agree (with Ty Ty) that Nicole is the only actual girl who could actually work as a model. I disagree (with Bank-able) on the whole "high fashion" shit. TeenVogue, Seventeen, and CosmoGirl will all be calling Nicole. Vogue, John Galliano? not so much. Pure model = girl with ACTUAL modeling potential (i.e., YES. The show has been a sham up until now... a great sham though it is). Keep up the good work.

[pants]

you are the only good thing left about this show
this season really just killed it all for me, tyra's investment plan has just become too blatantly obvious. but because of you, i will continue to watch. and read. your opinions and view are fucking DEAD ON. the humour, its dead on. i dunno which crew you're hangin around with, but your crew should hook up w/ mine sometime cuz we seem to have our shit aligned.

best of luck in the future and i look forward to reading next season,
-pants.

Well, I think BOTH Nik and Nicole had/have more potential than any of the past winners especially Naima!

I mean of all the winners which ones have gotten any attention since the show ended??

Adrienne became a reality hoe, but that doesn't count.

Yoanna, Yoanna who??

Eva has gotten some work...in the blakc community!

Naima, I'm not even going to go there.

So yeah, I was a fan of both Nik and Nicole!

[nOva]

I ate the granola bar. Sorry, Bre. I wanted you to "go off" and "wild out" and roll your neck and such. Bygones?

[Veggie Girl]

I have seen Yaya in that Radio Shack commercial, but until Quel said it was her, I couldn't figure out why she looked familiar. I thought she was a booted American Idol contestant.

Anyway, for those who missed the reunion, it'll probably run this coming Tuesday at 8:00.

I noticed Ebony's awful way of speaking, too! I don't know how she even made it on the show. Along with Jayla. Ugh.

Did anyone notice Nicole's way of speaking, though? She answered two of Tyra's questions within 45 seconds with "way cool" and "way excited". IIIIIeeeee!

Rich, that picture of all the girls looking bored is priceless! Good catch!

During this show, I flipped to a Victoria's Secret commercial and was reminded of what real models look like. Apples and oranges, people. Apples and oranges.

[Tmac]

I love America's Next Top Model. There are times where the judges confuse me, for I don't know what kinda of model there looking for at times. They will say one thing and do the opposite and cut the wrong girl. I feel that there were many girls that had real potential. Mercedes (season 2), Eva (Season 3), Brittney (Season 4), and Lisa and Kyle (Season 5). I felt that the true winner for this season should have been Nik. She did it for me. Her personality was like supergirl. Lady outside, Fierce in the spotlight.

We will have to judge these new girls for Season 6.

Peace Tmac

[Lee]

I dont always agree with you rich (i.e. the Bre love, the pure nicole hate), but I do agree on almost everything here. That was some of the most BORING drivel yet. Tyra asked questions that were already answered on the freakin show. I think her cute quotient is just about used up, I dont care how mean Naomi was to her. Heidi's show is giving her a run for her $, if at least in hosting & Naomi would be a better judge of couture models ANYDAY of the week & twice on Sunday.

I gotta say, Kyle did nada for me. But ashley, who i thought was the prettiest going into this thing still looked good. Nik dissapointed a little, I preferred her with the fuller,darker extensions, she seemed a bit washed out under the lights too.