ANT end

Tyra, how could you pick Nicole? Are you blind?

Yeah, that's what I thought. That's why you got a Cinnabon on your head.

But for real: now that the dust is settling (nobody say "exotic!"), I hope people can see that Um, ew. was just disappointment as hyperbole (and if you couldn't tell, I'd cringe to hear your interpretation of any of the other nonsense that goes down on this blog each retarded day). Yeah, Nik was robbed, and yeah, probably for icky-ish racial-ish reasons. But there are reasons beyond the black-girl turkey (three strikes!) that make Nicole kind of a no-brainer winner. Again (like always!) Potes at Television Without Pity does a great job of breaking it down:

Then, for a change of pace, the judges pick a winner who actually makes sense. Yes, get out your bug spray, the locusts are coming. Nicole is tall, pretty, photogenic, relatively young, and the newest America's Next Top Model.

Also, she's reaaaaally fuckable:

Erm, sometimes.

Regardless, I have to reiterate that this show is 90 percent means and 10 percent end. Honestly, as much as I like the competitive aspect, the idea that this thing has a winner doesn't hold a candle to the drama, cuntiness, diseases, sob stories, mispronounced words, misguided dancing, eating disorders, drag-queen costumes, drag-queen makeup, actual drag queens, gender crises, illegitimate children at home, tears and overall fierceness that make America's Next Top Model the best fucking show that I've been lucky to completely and utterly fag out over.

In fact, I almost like the fact that this resulted in an upset. It kept me on my toes and made for such a drama-queen ending. Well played, Tyra!

And, if nothing else, Nicole's My Life as a Cover Girl segments will be better than Naima's. That's what really matters. I hope at least one is devoted to her inevitable bedroom romp with a Jackass affiliate. A hint, Nicole: I know you dig Steve-O, but doing Chris Pontius will only get your segments more coverage on this blog. Just something to think about.

But, wow. It's over. I feel really empty. It makes me want to cry. Or at least watch others do so.

67. Nicole

Told ya she was fuckable.

68. Nik

Right before the fashion show, Tyra was all like, "Come, sit . . ."

. . . this is your last chance to . . ." CRY!

Finally, the elusive one-on-one!

69. Nicole

She told of how she overcame adversity or the Midwest or her gigantic teeth or something.

70. & 71. Nik and Nicole

Nik started crying right before panel began the final deliberation. Not to be outdone, Nicole got all teary and whiny, too. Just keeping things on equal ground. Again: well played.

72. Nik

She started again just before Nicole was revealed as the winner. It was as though she knew. She's a special, special girl.

But not as special as Tyra. Please take the time to marvel at the eloquence exhibited in Cycle 5's final Tyraism of the Week. Move over, Nikki Giovanni!

"The one thing that I would suggest that you do in a commercial, especially for Cover Girl, is to be a little bit more cheeky . . .

. . . [to Nigel] that's what you guys call it over here. Like, 'Your skin . . .

. . . blend in . . .

. . . OK . . .

. . . duh duh duh.'"

What will we do without her advice? Every week, I rely on TyTy to teach me how to act. I'll remember "duh duh duh" next time I'm trying to get cheeky, but what if I need to turn it up a notch to saucy? Then what???

Ah, Tyra. I love that woman inside and out.

More things I love:

1. Nik!

Yeah, I'm doing better coping with the whole 2nd place thing, but just for a final round of mourning, I've compiled some shots illustrating the hot box that she is. I know she's probably gay, but y'know, two wrongs can make a right, so Nik, if you're ever in Brooklyn . . .

Heh. You knew I couldn't pay tribute to someone without making fun of them.

Nik was also Thursday's Hot Slut of the Day at Dlisted. Who needs America's Next Top Model when you have a title like that?

2. Or tits like this:

Did I imagine Twiggy calling her walk "jiggly?" I thought I heard it the first time I watched the episode, but then I didn't hear it again in subsequent viewings. Regardless, she or the figment of my imagination was right (I know she called Nik "bouncy" -- right again, or maybe for the first time).

On a related note: is this show making me straight?

3. Aren't I forgetting someone? Oh right. Bre. My first love.

I really thought for a second that when she was booted, she was gonna be all, "I'm 'bout to take my heels off, get me some Vaseline . . ."

But no, no backdown/smackdown rhymes were to be had. When she was kicked off, she actually did that '80s sexy library, take-off-glasses-and-viola! reveal in reverse.

Back to the NYPL.

Surprisingly gracious in defeat, Bre's final interview illustrated something that's key to her appeal: the ability to make referring to oneself in the third person cute:

"They took this little black girl from Harlem, and took her to London to model. She ain't never been out of the country."

Something tells me that this little black girl did not go "Me me me!" all the way home. (Cuz, y'know, "me" = first person. Shut up. I've been doing this for 12 weeks and I'm tired. Ya betta chill.)

4. Just one last word on Bre for all the haters: Early on in the episode, she told us: "I have made America's Next Top Model history. I've been in the Bottom 2 four times!"

I love that she knows that she's the first to accomplish that! I love that she knows this show down to the stats. She is the people's champ. She is one of us.

Or, at least, one of me.

5. One last round of Jay Manuel mocking since his gray-haired ass was all over this episode. First of all:

In the comments of the previous post, is wrote "THEY LOOK LIKE TWINS." Yes, my thoughts exactly:

Uncanny!

Second of all, via email, Ian noted Jay Manuel's mock turtleneck.

Good catch! As a response, I have not two words, but a picture:

I've been wanting to do that forever!

6.

I really enjoyed how Nicole blamed fucking up the Cover Girl commercial on the lights distracting her.

From the sidelines, Jay was all, "Go into the light. There is peace and serenity in the light." And then Tangina came and ate him.

7. How exciting was this?

He does exist!

Seeing him was monumental, like when you found out that Snuffleupagus wasn't just Big Bird's imaginary friend, or that Newhart was all a dream. For three long cycles, he's only been a name.

A prize, even.

A total prize. I can see why Tyra adores him.

8. What was up with the fake eyebrows the models wore for the fashion show?

It's not even like they looked real or good onstage. Whatever, if we're getting arbitrary with the eyebrows, I'm giving Eva Divine's from Pink Flamingos. Just cuz.

9. Speaking of irritating previous winners, we all saw Naima's Life as a Cover Girl sort of fizzle.

But don't fret for poor, sad Naima. I think she'll have a wonderful future as a gypsy.

10. When shooting the Cover Girl commerical, Bre remarked, "Don't I look like Tina Turnah?"

Sorry, babe. That distinction belongs to Miss J.

Those legs!

And just so I don't hear anything, here he is at the show:

And here he is at the final panel:

Those captions kinda write themselves. I think.

11. One more shot, cuz I love ya, Tyra:

Whew!

Like I said in yesterday's comments, I'm going to recap next week's reunion show (we meet again, so soon?), so I'll wait till then to provide my final thoughts on the entire cycle. Maybe I'll do some number crunching with the crying-count data, but I can't promise anything -- this show definitely makes you stupider!

Comments

[brandy]

Is that the face that Tyra was talking about in an earlier episode with the vaseline makeup "an innocent/baby/virgin look"? Cos if I ever look like that in a photo it is because Im higher than a kite and worried that I will look all high inthe photo so I make my eyes real wide but then i just look crazy.

I also find it frigtening that Naima looks better with Jays hair...and vice versa.
Poor girl.

[trixie]

>nobody say "exotic!"

hehe

>Yeah, Nik was robbed, and yeah, probably for icky-ish racial-ish reasons. But there are reasons beyond the black-girl turkey (three strikes!) that make Nicole kind of a no-brainer winner.

Yeah...I'm still riding with my three strikes theory. And based thereupon, it seems like Nicole just ended up being all that was left after a few bad cuts earlier in the season. The names Lisa and Kim come to mind as more justifiable "non-exotic" winners.

But whatever. None of this really matters anyway. Winning Top Model is about as irrelevant as a Hot Piece of Pussy hanging out at Noah’s Arc. Nobody cares.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

rich, i'll have your gay babies, if only for the eyebrows on eva.

and my gawwwd she has put on weight!

[ChiliGurl]

Rich, I nearly spit out my coffee when I saw that Divine eyebrows!! Pure genius, honey...pure genius!

Thank you for that last shot of Tyra- I will have nightmares until I'm as old as...well, Janice.

[Greg]

I just got it: the repeated usage of "Ew" in yesterday's mini re-cap (including HUGE red type over screen grabs) was not just in reference to Nicole winning. It's also heard in the show's opening music:
Ew Top Model!
Ew Top Model!

[Jill]

Bravo!!! What a delicious recap to end all recaps! I totally enjoyed the Ew-full post yesterday too. Nicole grates a little on my nerves, what with the white-girl scream she lets out time and time again and general annoyingness of her personhood. Ah well, I understand her winning tho, and do think Nik will have a darned good career anyway. Thank you for all the great recaps for this most entertaining show--between you and the TWoP recaps & board comments, I've never LOLed as much in my life! Looking forward to the next cycle, as well as when and if Janice D. comes out with her model-competition show as I heard she was!

[Charlene]

Eva looks like a disaster in that picture. Rich's drawn-on eyebrows are actually an improvement. What the hell happened to that girl? She's giving me definite Miss Piggy vibes now.

Naima's just gross and kind of sad. I saw her on Tyra's talk show rehashing her old partying ways with some therapist Tyra brought in. It was pathetic and riduculous. "I felt ugly so I partied it up." Boo fricking hoo. Hey, is that Tara Reid's excuse too?

[marlo_girl]

tyra looks like a blowup doll. she mocked one of the girls (i believe it was jayla?) for looking like an inflatable fuck-toy, but my god, has the fivehead got it down.

on another note:
nik's boobs are fabulous. love the gif.

[marlo_girl]

oh. and i am glad bre did not break down and cry when she got botted. that little black girl from harlem scored some extra points with me. she knew she wasn't going to win... i think she was just tired and glad to be going home.

(love the jill scott ref! she'll prolly go all smackdown next week at the reunion when the truths come from the mouths of the babes)...

[Coy]

Like Whitney sang, "It's not right but it's okay"....Nik will make it anyway. lol! Just lame. The show has become incredibly snarky but with each compelling recap Rich becomes that much more beautiful. Czesh!

[John]

Oh, I'm actually now all misty-eyed. What shall I do once the season is over and your recaps are done?

Fantastic job, Rich. I'm already looking forward to the NEXT round of girls cast not on their looks, but on their potential hysterics, which, God bless you, Tyra Banks.

[judy]

Did Naima get fat? She has been looking kind of bloated. Her pictures on the website and her general appearance are very un-modelesque.

Didn't get to see ANTM5 so thank you for the recaps. Wish I could have watched the finale (was Nicole really that great on the runway?). Still think Nik would have made a better model, but after 2 non-white models, I think Tyra decided she had to listen to the real racist world.

[Foxy]

Can we talk? Just for a second. Nicole should have won. It's TRUE. Her Cover Girl picture was better. Nik's smile looked a little like the Joker without make-up. And after Naima, you know Cover Girl was all "We want a girl who won't put people to sleep. Nik's lack of personality might put people to sleep...".

And really, isn't Ms. Jay the real next top model? The Grace Jones outfit almost made me drop my bong.

[Sheila]

Man, that picture confirms that Naima looked as rough backstage at the fashion show as I remember, and she's still totally dull. I think Tyra et al had a lot of nerve saying that Nik and Nicole were boring (and I'm not a fan of the whole "obnoxious bitch=personality" construct) when Naima sounds downright dim.

[Mia]

KITTIES! Where are the kitties?

[Nina]

Rich, have I ever told you that you were my hero? Because you are. Before I found fourfour I was ashamed and confused about my ANTM fascination, but now I am out and proud. You have validated my existence. I owe so much to you.

And if you don't recap "Project Runway," I may in fact die. And you don't want that on your conscience, do you?

[Leah]

Are you sticking around for season... I mean Cycle 6?

[Rich]

Me? Of course! It's ride or die with Tyra.

[Summer]

Dis fool done switched the hair of Naimi and Mr. Jay. Lord have mercy. Boy, you crazy.

[duane]

riddled with the sadness that was nik's defeat, the only thing I find more sad, is not being able to read your lovely recaps Rich... it is almost like they made the show for me. I can't wait till cycle 6! And I can't wait to hear what you have to say about cycle 6!

[vivilove]

Rich, it's been said a bunch of times before, but your recaps have taken the ANTM experience to a whole new level of enjoyment!!!! Merci beaucoup

[Ian]

I can die happy now.

duh duh duh

[Nilblogette]

Until next year ANTM. On to Project Runway!

[John H.]

Eva is definitely America's Next Black Joey Heatherton.