Billbored? Hardly.

If I came to you and said, "I have an idea. In addition to all the admiration, attention, free gifts, travel opportunities, and oh yeah, money, pop stars receive for having hit records, let's top things off by giving them trophies," you'd call me a genius, right? I mean, really, it's time to put the celebrate back into celebrity. Famous people are so maligned!

Unfortunately, I can't take credit for this wonderfully humanitarian endeavor -- the good people at Billboard thought of it first.

Obviously, the Billboard Music Awards are nothing but a chance to get some publicity for the magazine and sell some ads. Unlike the Grammies or American Music Awards, which pretend that artistic merit (whatever the fuck that means in pop music) plays some role in the selection of awards, the Billboard Awards are advertised as nothing but a popularity contest -- if you top a year-end chart, you get a trophy. It's so simple that even 50 Cent gets it. "Billboard is special to me, actually, out of all the awards shows, 'cause they actually based on the actual performance of the material. It's not a lot of politics and everything else involved," said 50 via cellphone while accepting his Ringtone of the Year Award. A ringing endorsement!

But anyway, since the highest sellers/most-played artists of the year were all rounded up in one room during one two-hour broadcast, the show provided easy access for checking in on the state of pop music. And really, who am I to avoid an easy target?

In order to treat this popularity contest properly, here's a rundown in yearbook-senior-superlative style:

Most Misunderstood: Green Day

"This song is not anti-American, it's anti-war!" said Billie Joe as he and his band opened the show. And then . . .

Sorry, what?

I didn't quite catch that.

I don't know what the fuck you're saying.

And furthermore . . .

. . . huh?!?

Great guys, way to get that message out. And who says politics have no place in pop music? Go liberalism!

Most Dramatic: Gwen Stefani

I wish I could hate Gwen as much as I want to, but the truth is, I love her. Well, I lovehate her because she makes being utterly annoying so fascinating. She performed "Luxurious," which is a fluffy little Isley-sampling ballad equating material possessions with decadent love.

Why then, did she look in pain throughout the performance? Is she talking about the payback . . .

. . . or her backdoor?

And I'm not just catching between-expression weirdness:

Really, is it that deep?

Most Clueless: Gwen Stefani!

Gwen again!

"Thank you so much to all the fans that went out and bought the, uh, the song," she said accepting an award. The award was for the most downloaded song of the year.

"Honey, go out to the computer and download me a song, please. I'm too tired."

Cutest Couple: LL Cool J and Amaury Nolasco

Hot like pastrami!

And speaking of pastrami:

What a sandwich!

Seriously, I know that Daddy Yankee is shorter than my cats . . .

. . . but I would not kick him out of bed. He can sleep between my legs!

Most Versatile: Shakira

Why is it that Shakira looks like every celebrity that's ever existed? I see notes of Mariah Carey, Sheryl Crow, Lisa Lisa, Halle Berry . . .

. . . old-school Ruthie Camden . . .

. . . any number of Monchichis . . .

Everyone!

Most Miraculous: Ciara

For wearing this outfit and not once showing signs of cameltoe, Ciara, I salute you!

. . . or should I say, Janet?!?

Class Clown: Nick Cannon

Not 'cause he's funny, see . . .

. . . but because of those damn shoes!

Most Down: Ashlee Simpson

She performed with Pretty Ricky and fit right in.

B.L.U.E.T.A.R.D.s, all of 'em.

I hereby reject the peace offering. It's on, bitch!

Preppiest: Lil Jon

I bet he didn't see that one coming!

Most Likely To Succeed and Be a Total Bitch About It: Mariah Carey

She was all mellow and cool while accepting one of, like, five trophies she won. And not humble mellow. Uppity mellow. Mimi, no one's forgotten about Glitter and everyone's forgotten about Charmbracelet. You can go right back where we put you. Don't get snotty.

Class Crazy: R. Kelly

I love that R. Kelly can perform a faux-reggae sex track in front of pool filled with a gaggle of hoes (and lots of pee, no doubt) . . .

. . . and then, less than hour later, hit the stage for another performance . . .

. . . holding a guitar painted to look like the American flag (is he the Naked Cowboy?) . . .

. . . while interpretive dancers got more dramatic than Gwen. This number was "Let Your Light Shine," one of his inspirational numbers (a la "I Believe I Can Fly") that he wrote in response to the hurricane tragedies.

Just one question: how the fuck can you let your light shine if you don't have electricity?

Oh.

Thanks for clearing that up, Robert!

Comments

[gayest neil]

Monchichi's!

[Nilblogette]

I hate to simply repeat gayest neil's sentiments, but I must - Monchichis!!!! I just became a Shakira fan thanks to that comparison.

[Saun]

"how the fuck can you let your light shine if you don't have electricity?" I laughed so hard I almost cried when I read that. I'm still laughin. I couldn't stand to watch the popularity contest. I did turn to it once, saw the "R" in front of the hoe pool, shook my head, and turned the tv. And the Shakira/Ruthie Camden comparison is priceless.

[Takeitoutside]

lmao@ Ruthie Camden..

A little off topic, but 7th Heaven is like Mormon heaven. I haven't watched it in years. But everytime I see a commericial for it, someone in the family having a fucking baby or getting married..sheesh.

Ugly Ricky..why are they even relevant? Goddamn 13 year olds..

[is]

I only tuned in when "I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS R. KELLY" and his hoes were wading the pool...SOOO, I tuned OUT! Thanks for the great Re-cap, IT's like I was TUNED IN!

""Just one question: how the fuck can you let your light shine if you don't have electricity?"" LMAO!!!!!!

[Penny Woods]

This post is too funny, although once those fans that run Mariah Daily come along and read your blog, they'll say you're making "inappropriate comments," meaning "Don't talk about our goddess like that!"

And I really don't understand R. Kelly anymore. You can't put hoes in urine and then become the non-Naked Cowboy!

[Carly]

I no longer have to watch television. I just read your blog instead.

(BTW, I'm mildly disappointed that Cletus didn't perform as rumored, just because I'm sure that would've given you enough fodder for one post all its won.)

[Butta]

how the fuck can you let your light shine if you don't have electricity?

*dead*

You can't do this to me in a cubicle, man! Bout to catch a hernia from holding back my laughter.

[Ambre]

Rich, dammit!!! Please don't stop writing, EVER. You said Hoe Pool.......

[Fresh]

Hey you hot piece of pastrami sammich! I missed you today. You had me over here rolling.

Amen Ambre, he better not.

[frank]

umm... does one of those guys in white have a boner?

seriously.

inappropriate!

[bloghungry]

Billie Joe is a mess. Green day needs a nap.

[Quel]

SO true what you said about Shakira...she has a little Beyoncé going on too.

I had high hopes for Ashley Simpson. A little disappointed...but I'm willing to give her one more chance.

Rich, what's a bluetard?

[Rich]

Pretty Ricky's album is called Bluestars -- and in "Grind With Me," there's that "Superstar/B.L.U.E.S.T.A.R." rhyme.

A bluetard results from factoring Ashlee Simpson into the equation.

And word on Shakira = Beyonce. EVERYONE!

Oh yeah, and I think the boner owner is actually a woman. How's that for inappropriate? Please don't slow wind for me, lady. Please!

[moss]

http://www.dancewearsolutions.com/?Category=Liturgical

Those white dresses look like the most recent category of clothing to scare me: Liturgical dancewear.

*runs screaming*

[Lucycat]

Because it never stops being funny...

how the fuck can you let your light shine if you don't have electricity?

Great recap, but I really can't wait for your Grammy recap since Mimi has something like 10 nominations and "Trapped in the Closet" is up for Best Video.

P.S. Something Awful has a wicked recap of "Trapped" in Cliff Notes style. Chapters 1-5 (http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3100) and Chapters 6-12 (http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3337).

[erica]

DAAAAAAMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNN!
Rich, how do you do it? That shit was so funny. Just when I read an awesome recap of something and I wonder how you top it...you go and pull some shit like this out of your hat. Fucking hilarious!

[Summer]

Gwen Stefani is ALWAYS overly dramatic. She's got the easiest singing voice to imitate, just act so pouty that someone would want to slap you, and then sing, "You and me, we used to be to-gether...." I swear, she must have crack in her songs, though, cause everytime a new one comes out, I'm right there, trying to turn away, but singing along.

[naijaCandy]

LOL @ lots of pee in the pool

ur nuts man.

[misso]

finally someone said it.. shakira does look like everyone. don't forget Beyonce, they're like twins. and what's up w/ ashlee and gwen's performances. Both were remixes and the rapping was just too overpowerring. (slick rick, slicky ricky, whatever.. wtf) and who can take r.kelly serious with that song. CRACK

[hailey]

I just read basically your entire website, like some creepy federal agent, and I have to tell you that you are honestly the funniest writer I have ever come across. I know you have to get that a lot, but man, I wish I was friends with you.

[doug]

First up. You know I love you and I'm a big superfan. In fact you are one of maybe four journals I actually read. I also think we need to collaborate on something if not just get it over with and have man babies. Now that's out of the way.

Shakira. My love for her is infamous at this point, however, I sadly agree with what you said. The thing I loved about her most was how she looked like a woman, like a real woman. Now she's a slutty lolipop head like every other cockstress. That makes me sad. Oh well, I always have her music.

[Banana]

Fourfour, I love you.

[Pop Muse]

reading your take on this disaster of a show was so much more fun than watching it.

[Rob]

NO YOU DIDN'T SAY MONCHICHI'S

That ish had me dying AT WORK.