Sari, Charlie

How best to remember Jayla? Why not by her parting words?

"I'm gonna try to shadow the winner. I'm going to make her look like nothing. That is my goal."

Watch out, ladies: Jayzilla's coming for you!

Jayla has a wonderful future, no doubt, as a My Chemical Romance video hoe and eventually, a Suicide Girl. I, for one, can't wait to see her tits!

And when she shadows everyone there and makes that whole operation look like nothing, I suggest she look into working at the Stardust. She already has the cap for it!

She needs a little more orange, though.

Anyway, onto the crying. With only one show left, I have to reiterate how disappointing this experiment has been -- we're averaging about six instances of crying per show, which I'm sure you could get on something like The Biggest Loser. If I didn't know better, I'd think that Tyra was trying to sabotage my research with 11th-hour re-edits. Where are all the soul-bearing one-on-ones, TyTy? Didn't you have to do some last-minute rehearsal for your talk show? ANSWER ME. I know you're out there, trying to ruin my life.

Like I was saying, anyway:

64. Nicole

As an ardent supporter of the Game, Nicole felt like she was betraying him by donning a G-Unit T. She is gangsta, though.

65. Bre

Looking out on the morning rain, she used to feel so uninspired. God don't like uninspired.

66. Jayla

Come back when you get your attitude fixed. See ya!

The good news is, she doesn't want kids. Hate her, too. Or three. Or four.

OK, I take back the Tyra disdain above: the Tyraism of the Week is really, really great. So great that I created a lovingly fading animated gif to accompany your listening. See, TyTy? You scratch my back, I scratch yours.

"[To Nicole] You have never had this much range. I mean, I didn't know what to choose. You had one where you were like this, and then like this, and then like this, and then like this, and then like this, and then . . . I was like, 'Girl, you better work!' This is your best! Mamma is proud of you!"

Ah, classic TyTy. The cadence of the "like this"es. The maternal gushing. The RuPual invocation. By the way, this show has taught me that "You better work!" barely makes sense in its usual context. If she had all those great poses, wasn't she already working? Or is everything just a warm-up for the great drag ball that will be the rest of Nicole's life? Also (and I've been wanting to make a note of this since the show started and the "fierce"s started flying): why is it that fashion slang has never evolved?!?! It doesn't make sense that these people are still saying things like "You better work" and "fierce" when RuPaul ran them to the ground in '92 and most of that material was stolen from Paris Is Burning, anyway! Is fashion culture's head so far up its own ass that its constituents can't even be bothered to change up the slang? Work, people. For real!

And if you think I'm done ranting, you're so wrong. I'm just getting started.

1. How in the name of Jenascia is Tyra trying to convince us that Bre's too short? It's the 11th episode and she tells us this shit now? Is Bre shrinking? Did she lose a battle with Galaxy Glue?

Sure, she's shorter than the rest of the girls . . .

. . .when she's the only one without shoes! Otherwise:

Same height! And I was conservative with my mark on Bre's head (It could probably even be bumped up a little). Bre is 5'8". So is Nik. So is Jayla. Jolly Green Nicole is the tallest, at a whopping 5'9".

Y'know what else? Eva's 5'7"! Maybe she's a master of the illusion of height.

Anyway, my point is that this is bullshit. Watch: it'll come up again during the first elimination in the finale episode and it'll be the reason why Bre doesn't continue on to the Top 2. That's why it's being introduced now. Tyra and her diabolical machinations!

2. And while we're talking about Bre: God, I love her. Among my favorite Bre moments: her cloying contempt when she found out she'd be getting the least amount of frames at the photo shoot . . .

. . . her assertion that her place in the Top 4 makes her "the fourth baddest bitch in America" . . .

. . . and the way she's taken on traits from Top Models of the past. Her punk get-up was reminiscent of Yaya's Harajuku approximation:

. . . and now her walk is a signature one, just like Camille's.

Is it a coincidence that each of the former contestants she's channeling were "the bitch" of their respective cycles? Probably not.

Meanwhile, this . . .

. . . is not a good look. Bre, go down where the hookers hang out by the docks, see what they're wearing, and avoid it.

3. And that's, of course, a setup for none other than:

Yay! His equally heartless and literate quips are the highlight of any ANTM cycle (except for the last one, from which he was inexplicably missing).

Of course, this time around was no different: he unleashed "crotch-length" to describe Bre's skirt . . .

. . . "preppy goes slutty . . ."

. . . "hoochie dancers . . ." and, well, you get the point. He also used the phrase "stark raving mod." Best of all, he described Jayla as "prissy punk."

He reads them fast! I've never heard a more apt description of Jayla ever.

4. Speaking of "prissy punk," what the fuck was this show trying to sell us on the way punk looks? I know virtually nothing about fashion (which is why I'm sort of apprehensive about launching into Project Runway recaps -- as much as I like the show, I don't know how much insight I'd have on it, plus it probably has a fifth of ANTM's campiness -- but we'll see). I know virtually nothing about punk. But come. On.

These looks are about as punk as Gwen Stefani is black.

Like Egyptian cotton!

STOP

THE

INSANITY

Seriously, it's bananas.

6. Beyond that, the episode's central question clearly was: What's Bollywood?

Is this Bollywood?

How 'bout this?

This?

?

Leave it to Tyra to get so authentic on our asses. You can smell the curry wafting from her pores!

But the greatest illustration of the exuberant spirit of Bollywood came from Twigs and Miss J.

Thanks so much for clearing that up!

7. Wow, the girls are looking raggedy in their interview footage -- I'm guessing it was post show.

Vindication!

Tweezer aversion?

I mean, really? A jheri curl? I'm not gonna get all Stefani-white and do a "Rick James, bitch" so-dead-it'll-freeze-ya joke . . .

. . . but I will say that Bre's a very kinky girl.

Guess who the only one that looked uniformly presentable was?

(Winner!)

8. Furthermore, Nik really impressed me with her behind-the-back bitchiness.

On Bre: "I know she's supposedly keeping her enemies close, and what do you think I'm doing?"

Now das dat trickery!

I'm so proud of her.

And even though Bre and Nicole spent the day together reconciling and getting all lezzie to compensate for Kim's absence ('cause you know Nik wasn't about to touch that) . . .

. . . at the end of the day, Nicole was still shining . . .

These girls are all right! I just wish they were a little more overt and made each other cry more.

9. Nigel, Nigel, Nigel

Sometimes he's on and sometimes he's really on. That is a sexy, aging man chest if I ever saw one. Also enjoyed the flashback to his past:

Is it just me, or is he majorly channeling Andrew Ridgeley here?

I'd like to point out that "Andrew Ridgeley" is an anagram of "Nigel'd reward ye." Hmmmmmmm.

10. Oh, and did you know that Nigel is half Sri Lankan? I didn't! His mom transplanted his family from Sri Lanka to England on the strength of her singing career.

She came out and was all, "Blaze a blaze, galangalangalang. Purple haze, galangalangalang."

Now usually I don't do this, but since there's no Bug-O-Meter this week, I figured I'd hit you with a few items beyond the normal 10:

11. Poor, sad Naima had a "girls' night out."

In an apartment.

Using Cover Girl make-up, they played the sleepover favorite, Old Lady Whore. Fun game!

12.

I know, Tyra: one episode left and I'm dying inside, too. But it's ok, we'll always have your talk show to make fun of.

Always.

Right?

Comments

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

"nigel'd reward ye" is an anagram so brilliant that i feel privileged to have access to your fertile mind, good sir.

but i must deduct points for your bre love.

[mariootsa]

that MIA reference with nigel's mother was priceless!! god, you're good. if i was a gay man, i would be in love with you. i have to also say, i have found nigel's newfound horniness this year rather intoxicating...

[wendy]

Oh, sheeeit - 2nded on the MIA reference.

[Shannon]

OMG, *ROTFLMAO* (quietly, though, 'cause I'm at work) @ the "Nigel'd reward ye" anagram. I love you for that.

Is that like, Nigel's thing? Every cycle he's crushing on one of the girls? It was April one year, now Nik. Hmm..

[B!]

Ok, so I was gonna say you were soooooooo wrong for two things but some folks already mentioned 'Galang'. OK-everybody, I mean. However, nobody mentioned 'Galaxy Glue'. This is specifically why I am a dearreader and fan of you Mr. Rich. Am I dating myself for knowing 'Incredible Shrinking Woman'? Yes, yes I am.

Bre is gross but I la-la-LOVE the footage of her and Nicole, "So I'm not getting you more, so now what?"

PS-Nigel=HOT! I wanted 'Mr.' Jay to continue with his pants and drawers. But replace 'Mr.' Jay with me and re-title the show 'Nigel Barker is America's Next Top'. Raorw!

[jocelyn]

if i were god, i'd send you my blessings.

[jeremy]

you were right--you nailed it! nigel is *so* andrew ridgeley. however, i would still like to enter this exhibit:
Maybe? Which is an anagram for 'Ego cel neo-orgy'

[trixie]

>She came out and was all, "Blaze a blaze, galangalangalang. Purple haze, galangalangalang."

hilarious.

also, the baddest bitch album cover w/ Bre = fourfour > TWOP. Totally.

[is]

Nigel is sooo DREAMY.

Please DO re-cap Project Runway, if anything for the insightful pictures that you post.

[Greg]

Another classic re-cap of the insanely insipid yet COMPLETELY addictive ANTM.
Bre is one part Camille ("signature" horse trot, condescending, extremely self absorbed) and one part Eva (short, blubbers uncontrollably when-literally- called on the carpet); so she cancels herself out.
Nicole is a deer in headlights 24-7.
That leaves Nik. Pretty, yes, but she just doesn't register. Even Tyra said to her (and Nicole) something to the effect of "You've got ONE WEEK to develop a personality." And just like with Naima, who "came out of her shell" at the very last minute, and Mercedes, who didn't win but went from being "the girl at the mall" to "edgy" in Rome ("We weren't sure if you could do it, but girl, you EDGY now!") at the very end, either Nik or Nicole will have this "amazing" Tyra-approved transformation and win. Because, in the end, SOMEONE has to.

[Fleur]

Can I just say...I love you. I haven't even actually seen the actual episodes of ANTM in a few weeks (I watch One Tree Hill instead, and try to catch ANTM reruns on Tuesdays, but always forget) yet I religiously come to your blog to get your recaps. Your comments are TOO DAMN FUNNY (blaze a blaze galangalangalang ROTFLMAO!!!) and your references are so random yet on point (looking out in the morning rain, lol).

You need your own show or something. VH-1 should call you up to be on one of their many "I Love The" or "Best ____ Ever" shows.

I heart you so much!

[Veronica Vinegar]

Rich, you really outdid yourself on this recap! I love it. Now I get excited that it's Friday not because of the weekend, but because of your recaps!

[Joe]

Can I just tell you how much I love your blog!!! A friend sent me a link to your wonderful post about Lisa Whelchel (I swear I have listened to it like 15 times since I downloaded it) and ever since I can't stop reading it! It's fabu! I even gushed about it on my own blog. Keep up the ANTM rants! Love them! Almost as much as I love Nigel (grrr!!!). In the words of Dannii Minogue, "LOVE + KISSES"

[brandy]

Rich, did you happen to catch the Tyra with the "MODELS IN TROUBLE" theme.
Naima was on it and all "if i dont work i cant support her" it was a cry fest(or so the preview I caught online would have me think.
Like I said before its going to be Nicole.
They just keep blathering on about her.
So many good references in this roundup.

Oh and Im confuse are the Naima things "real" commercials or one offs only shown during ANTM because she doesnt get work otherwise?

[pesky808]

it would be such a shame if you didn't recap project runway 2. even if you aren't keen on the history of fashion or whatever, your comments and observations in general are fucking hilarious.

[Artie James]

Simple Analogy:

Whitney is to Bobby as Artie James is to FourFour's Recaps.

[Carly]

We so, so, so need soundbites of Naima's flat delivery on the Covergirl commercial. Wasn't salesmanship part of her training? Feh. Unless she's selling sleeping pills, I ain't buying.

[Saun]

This recap is fabulous! Their interpretation of punk is pure BS. And I almost lost it when Tyra made up that BS about "top models aren't short". Uhhhh.. didn't she claim Eva was short, and wasn't she a top model?

Everyone can see that Nik should be the winner. It's just so obvious it's ridiculous. And I'm glad we got to see her bitchy side this week. Meow!

[nic]

2 phrases: "Old Lady Whore" & "Jolly Green Nicole". 2 good.

[Jess]

Definitely do Project Runway recaps. Making fun of Heidi's accent is enough material in itself.

[snag]

hilarious.
Excellent recap.
galangalangalang

[Iris]

You brought me to the edge of the cliff with "Galaxy Glue" and then you shoved me over the side with "galangalangalang." I'm still laughing.

Only one episode? What will I do??

[duane]

That Tyra gif you made is my favorite thing ever. I want to just watch it for days. And I am with you... Nik better win this thing. SHE BETTER WIN!

[carlos]

best recap ever: thanks, rich!

and thanks for the '4th baddest' CD cover, the andrew ridgely, the galang, the jheri curl and the the twiggy/miz jay animation!

one last request before the final: please put a hit out on that tired, platinum-shark-fin-headed, lip-glossed poosy, "mr." jay. just let me know what my cut is and where to send it... he must die!

[Hapee2bnapee]

LOL at 'Looking out on the morning rain, she used to feel so uninspired. God don't like uninspired'

And thank you for the height thing, I was wondering the same thing.