The nightmare before Christmas

I watched the scariest shit this weekend.

That's how my face was during the entire duration of . . .

It wasn't the many instances of peril that the characters faced that had me so ill-at-ease . . .

. . . it was the characters' actual faces. I mean, look at them:

Hideous!

When The Polar Express was released last year, a lot of the reviews focused on this very point. With good reason! It's hard to pay attention to anything else when you're startled every two minutes by some matte humanoid's creepily realistic expressions. The movie is, at best, gorgeous torture, right down to the closing credits, over which a Josh Groban song plays. Ed Gonazlez's review contains the best summary the action sequences that I've read: "at turns suggests an Olympic-style luge event or a trip through an especially crowded FAO Schwartz."

Anyway, back to the ugly:

As though time hasn't been cruel enough to Tom Hanks!

I can't believe he signed off on that!

Not even Santa could escape the ugly stick.

Seriously, Billy Bob Thornton has nothing on him.

The elves are scary . . .

. . . the snowman's scary . . .

. . . and just when you think it can't get any scarier, Steven Tyler shows up as an elf:

Aaaaaahhhhh!!!

As you can tell from the Hanks and Tyler characters, the movie's characters were rendered using detailed scans of human models. Clearly, the technology has yet to be perfected. Some $165 million was put into this movie. Director Robert Zemeckis was ripped off.

Watching these unlikeable characters interact is like watching cosmetically corrected corpses interact.

They waaaaannnntttt your soooooouuuuulllllllllll.

If only the script were as subversive as the flawed character design. It's not. The moral is something like: if you have faith in Jesus (for what is Santa Claus but Jesus with training wheels on?), your presents will work properly. Merry Gift Day!

One more dash of ugly:

I really hope Hanks, Zemeckis and everyone else involved got smacked upside the head with a bag of coal last Christmas. If not, I'll be happy to do the job this time around.

Comments

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

christ in heaven, those are some freaky kids.
and i thought live-action tom hanks looked creepy enough.

[Ayo]

You know, the character of the hobo Santa, and the conductor were not played by Tom Hanks alone... a lot of the scenes were of his brother Jim Hanks as well...

[Tipsy McStaggers]

I am so glad you noticed this - I watched this movie at an IMAX theatre last year and about wet my pants when those freaky faces started coming at me.
P.S. The Stephen Tyler elf made my eyes bleed

[MRoman]

Zemeckis is behind this one too, Monster House. Before it had that title it was
Zemeckis/Spielberg Motion Capture Project
http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/monster_house/

This time luckily the kids are a bit more stylized and not so realistic.

[Jade]

They look like the zombies from Resident Evil games.

No Really. They do.

[Kim]

I remember when this was coming out and there was some show on that showed how they did this. I didn't see much of it but I saw enough to comment on how freaky the characters looked. Sheesh.

[Drew fink]

here is why they are so creepy:
Uncanny Valley:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_Valley

[Nilblogette]

This ugly doesn't even have a good personality, because this is THE MOST BORING MOVIE EVER!!!!!

[Chris]

Nightmare fuel for little kids! We had Willie Wonka/Wizard of Oz, they have this.

[gothamwhore]

That looks like the most boring movie ever. I can't believe you sat through it. I'm sorry. And jesus christ those characters look psycho.

[Takeitoutside]

When I saw the previews for this movie last year I thought "Damn, they sure are ugly characters"..it does look unbelievably boring and bland. I wouldn't be hurt at all if my unborn child slapped me for making him/her watch it..

[duane]

i KNEW there was a reason I NEVER EVER EVER wanted to see this movie!!! YIKES! The only thing that could have made it worse, is clowns!

[Pop Muse]

like you, i was terrified by this movie. we did a double feature of Polar Express with Christmas With The Kranks and PE made Tim Allen and Jaime Lee Curtis look HOT! nuff said.

[Waddie G.]

I agree with you...these faces do look kinda creepy.

[smg]

that looks scarey. creepy. eery. frightening. that pretty much covers anything with tom hanks though...

[damn right]

wow my feelings exactly! how the hell is this supposed to be a children's movie. it really scared the shit out of me.

[is]

I watched Polar Express this weekend also....AND...it didn't leave me all COZY, FUZZY and WARM like a christmas movie should, But I couldn put my FINGER on it...until....YOUR CLARIFIACTION!! Thank you!

[pris_b]

uh, seriously. i knew it was a good idea to steer clear of this shit when even the tv ads had me thinking of the chapman brothers' freaky kiddie porn:

http://www.artnet.com/Magazine/news/warrobinson/Images/warrobinson9-23-1.jpg

http://www.fogless.net/artreview/030930_sg_jdc/ZygoticAcceleration_up.jpg

really, excepting the facial genitalia, the resemblance is quite striking.

[bloghungry]

What was the movie even about?! I saw it a week or so ago and all I can remember about it is that the black girl's eyes could never focus on anything and the train tracks to the north pole go through frozen lakes (santa is begging to be sued). The whole thing was an animated Tom Hanks circle jerk.

[misso]

oh man... ur really funny. i think i'll have to rent the movie to understand how turdy it is. thanku and goodnite.

[Paddy]

It freaks us all out.

Hey, check out this link, interesting article on why it does.

http://www.collisiondetection.net/mt/archives/2005/12/monsters_of_pho.html#001384

[LeslieWrites]

It's funny that you wrote about Polar Express. I JUST watched it last night with a kid who begged to rent it. I was tortured by this animated freakshow from beginning to end. The characters and the story line were amazingly creepy and the whole damn movie was pretty depressing. Geez, those pathetic little droids couldn't catch a break - it was a friggin' nightmare. The creators of Polar Express most definitely deserve a smackdown!!!

[NjDivaGirl]

I loved that movie. I think the little black girl looked more realistic than any of the other characters. BTW, I love your site...I'll be back soon.

[Genevieve]

I didn't watch it last year and I'm not going to watch it this year. I can't even barely watch the commericials they creep me out so much. It's disturbing and I'm glad you had the courage to come forth and say so.

[Kevin Mark Young]

You are all sick, this was a great movie. I love it, my son loves it and so do a lot of other children in my area. You need to look at a lot of other movies out there before you criticize this one, it is a masterpiece. Tom Hanks is an excellent actor and so is his brother Jim, don't be jealous people, it's true. If only you people had half the talent and brains.