fourfour: It wasn't the shirt

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January 20, 2006

It wasn't the shirt

Emmett_theshirt

. . . though it certainly did you no favors.

What is this show going to be without Emmett's constant reminders of his menswear background, his Ken-doll emotional range and his wonderful linguistic skills that led him to whip up gems like, "I'm a creative man who is looking to define myself creatively?" Emmett was human toast, golf with a pulse, walking wood paneling. Emmett was real 'cause he do real things. Big mistake getting rid of him, Heidi & Co. I mean, really, first Marla and now this?

But for real, his design for my Ukrainian sista/ice-skating sensation (-cum maniac -- look at that picture on the right!) Sasha Cohen got him the boot he deserved . . .

Design_emmett

. . . while Zuzu's fairly won the challenge . . .

Design_zuzu

. . . Chloe's was my favorite (as usual -- she's my Vietnamese sista) . . .

Design_chloe

. . . and Santino's was, uh, intricate . . .

Design_santino

I'd say more about this fire-and-feathers fantasy, but a) Santino said it best in the episode when he flipped into this rare and loveable, acutely self-aware mode (more on that in a sec) and b) it's gettin', it's gettin', it's gettin' kinda hectic with the web presence of all these contestants. Seriously, it was cool, y'know, when Santino swiped the sound file I created of his hit "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion" and posted it without throwing me a link (on the real: I wouldn't be nice to me either). It was flattering when Nick gave me a shout in his Queerty interview this week. The two combined? Yikes. That's too many potentially sensitive eyes on my shit. Like I was telling Dan (whose own ProjRun recaps are fucking ingenious), the divide between reality TV and reality is collapsing and I'm getting claustrophobic. I miss the tech-tarded twits of ANTM.

Not that I plan on changing anything. I'll just stress about it more. Fun!

Anyway.

1. Why was Emmett's ice-skating shirt so much tighter than everyone else's?

Emmett_pink

Not fair to him . . .

Emmett_pink3

. . . really not fair to us . . .

Emmett_pink5

Emmett_pink7

And really, what the fuck?

Emmett_pink4

Why do these shirts have built-in penises? Is it to keep them secure while you're dashing and turning on the ice and through the air? Surely, if you're rocking this shit as leisurewear, you don't have to go fastening that. That would just be uncomfortable, right?

Nick_penisflap

Nick_penisflap2

I'm cuhfused!

Anyway, Nick described Emmett's ice-skating look as, "International Male gone g-g-g-g-gay."

Nick_gggay

Ha!

2. But wait, who you callin' g-g-g-g-gay?

Nick_tizzy6

Nick fagged the fuck out when he discovered that their challenge would not be just dealing with ice skating, but would involve the Sasha Cohen.

Nick_tizzy

Nick_tizzy8

(By the way, is Chloe, like, 4'5"?)

Nick_tizzy10

G-g-g-g- gayer!

3. G-g-g-g-gayest:

Elephantglide

I honestly thought this show had shot its homo load when Barbie came to town. Between this escapade and that gay Orbitz commercial, I was so wrong.

Elephantglide2

Elephantglide3

It's getting all boys-will-be-boys frat-gay.

Elephantglide4

You can kind of make out Emmett's butt crack in the last one, which really doesn't make me happy, and I'm fucking disgusting.

I think the moral of the story is that you can tell that things are genuine if they come to life on ice. This goes for Disney movies and gay sexual tension, alike.

4. Zuzu: "I've never used glitter, beading or anything like that."

Zuzu_glitter

I think, then, the eyes are a wonderful place to start.

5. How creepy was Heidi regarding their ice-skating outfits?

Eightlittleiceskaters

It was like she had some diabolical, witchy plan to change these "sixteeeeen deeeeesigners" into "eight little ice skaters." Wait, when did she turn Irish?

Heidi_disturbing

I have a bad feeling about this, like her pregnancy hunger is going to result in cannibalism.

Heidi_disturbed

6. Speaking of cannibalism, I didn't even understand Santino's pre-judging, "If it comes down to having to eat somebody, I'll eat somebody" rant. What?

What I did understand, though, was that the weird here's-what's-coming-up footage that never actually came up next was total homage to Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy" video. Compare:

Cometosantino

Santino: I want your soul!

Aphex_daddy

Aphex monster: I want your soul! I'll eat your soul!

Uncanny.

Whosyourdaddy

7. But that wasn't even Santino's shining moment. His aforementioned flash of self- awareness by way of a Michael Kors impression was.

Santino_michaelimpression

"She looks like . . . like a baboon's ass exploded on her backside."

Santino_baboon

Ha! He's right! And Nick knew it, too:

Nick_laugh

Makeupguy_e6

Hot make-up guy: now with more evident and exposed chunk! I wanna take a bite out of that arm. Cannibalism is so in this episode!

9. Andraé, Andraé, Andraé. I didn't complain the first time we saw those now- infamous orange shorts, in episode 3.

Andrae_shorts_e3

I didn't complain the second time -- last week -- even though you were going like this:

Andrae_shorts_e5

But two weeks in a row?

Andrae_shorts_e6

Please stop. It's becoming disrespectful. I fear for the future.

10.

Redman

What?

I bet Diana wrote that before she left. She seemed like someone who'd dig How High. And she, also, was too dirty to clean her act up.

11. I never thought I'd feel this way, but I missed Nina. There was no explanation for her absence, just this for a replacement:

Anne_slowley

Horribly disagreeable, aggressively critical and perpetually unsmiling, Anne is no mere powerbitch. She's a fashioncunt.

Anne_fashioncunt

Listen to what she had to say about Emmett's design.

Emmett_design_tootie

Did she say "tootie?" "Tootie," for real?

Ha! I just wanna listen to that over and over and over!

Thing is, I think she's right.

Emmett_design_tootie2

Posted at 01:17 PM in ProjRun, TV | Permalink

Comments

ok that was fn funny-these truly are the best recaps - thanks so much

Posted by: aubyn | January 20, 2006 at 01:33 PM

tootie. aaaaaaaaand scene.

Posted by: Keila | January 20, 2006 at 01:58 PM

For the Come To Daddy shout-out, you my dear Rich, are entitled to a kidney should you ever need one.

you are hilarious.

Posted by: whatwouldjanicedickinsondo | January 20, 2006 at 02:18 PM

You don't happen to have a screen capture of the look on Emmett's face when he opened the door to Rob From Last Season, do you? I was dying.

And Tootie Crotch should be patented.

Posted by: Nina | January 20, 2006 at 03:51 PM

O.K. couple of things. Loved your re-cap and when the pictures showed up, it got even better....Tootie Aaaahahah ROFLMAO!!!!

The funniest moment when I cracked up the most...when Tim Gunn was saying to Emmett "I am sorry, they made me do it" and trying not to laugh at Emmett. He wanted to sound sincere, but found it very comical.

The flaps....Hanging out of Emmett's pants...Hysterical!!!!

I couldn't wait for your post so I can tell you about this...http://www.queerty.com/queer/project-runway/queerty-query-nick-verreos-20060118.php Very cool...Nick loves fourfour!!!!

I am a proud owner of Tivo!!!WooHoo!!! So I was doing slo mo thru the "getting the models ready" montage...And I think it was Santino's model...She looked like a man without make-up. I think she is very cute, but I had to do a double take and double pause...very curious.

Posted by: is | January 20, 2006 at 03:53 PM

i wasn't feelin' the makeup boy till this week's oh-so-brief snippet, thanks for providing it, rich... i needed to relive...

plus, question: are you really just one person? how can one person contain such an encylopedic knowledge of all appropriately funny and hilarious cultural references?!

soooooo deep, luv ya!

Posted by: carlos | January 20, 2006 at 04:21 PM

Why do they even bother with the whole "models...remember this is a competition for you too....." bullshit. Who cares about the models? This is a lame part of the show and should be nixed entirely.

Posted by: mike in orlando | January 20, 2006 at 04:38 PM

OH MY GOD everyone here at work just crapped themselves!

You are my favorite.

After Nick.

Posted by: Charlie | January 20, 2006 at 05:07 PM

Best PR post yet. Oh my god I'm DYing!

Posted by: Liz | January 20, 2006 at 05:18 PM

As time goes on, I fall more and more for Nick. I want him to be my gay boyfriend (not to the exclusion of you, though, Rich.) And hooray! You used the "sixteeeeeeen" soundbite!

Posted by: Carly | January 20, 2006 at 06:14 PM

It's a bodysuit. There are snaps or velcro that fasten front to back at the crotch. Sounds like fun, eh? This is how figure skaters maintain that smooth look. I imagine that as tall as Emmett is, the shirt was WAY too short and while the wedgie kind of felt good at first, after a while it started bothering him.

Posted by: Laura K | January 20, 2006 at 06:39 PM

I can't function after seeing Tootie in the tootie. You are so wrong yet so right for that, Rich. I swear these recaps just get betterer and betterer.

Posted by: Butta | January 20, 2006 at 08:38 PM

Seriously, those flaps are a fucking bitch and give you major wedgies when you do spirals

Posted by: Allen | January 21, 2006 at 01:37 PM

I think the image of Tootie is now stuck in my brain for life.... I won't be able to watch skating @ the Olympics now....especially not Sasha Cohen....

Posted by: Moi ;) | January 21, 2006 at 02:39 PM

Found you through Fresh. I'm lovin the PR recaps.

Posted by: Dub C | January 21, 2006 at 05:00 PM

Rich,

You must say something about Santino's model's voice. It was such a mismatch with how she looks.

Posted by: soulstar | January 22, 2006 at 12:09 AM

Have a look at Zulema's Silver Twin

Posted by: wah | January 22, 2006 at 12:11 AM

Christmas on a cracker...you are TM: Too Much! I love, love, LOVE it! ALL of it!

Posted by: Tony | January 22, 2006 at 02:09 AM

Tootie. Tootie. Tootie. Tootie. Tootie. Tootie.

Oh dear, I cant stop. Its THAT hypnotising.

Posted by: marina | January 22, 2006 at 03:33 AM

"Nick fagged the fuck out"

I can't stop laughing at that.

This is the greatest recap EVAH. I can't wait to read next week's.

Posted by: Y | January 22, 2006 at 10:40 PM

I am just WAITING for Andrae's nuts to fall out of those shorts.

Posted by: MJ | January 25, 2006 at 10:45 AM

So I finally figured out why I like PR more than ANTM: more fags = better. It's that simple. My bf tried to convince me at first that at least the desginer hafta exhibit some talent, but it didn't take long before he agreed with me wholeheartedly. More fags DOES make it better!

Posted by: Hethz | January 26, 2006 at 09:45 PM

"where's andre?" Tim
"Andre, if you embarass me in front of my co-workers at red lobster, we're going to have to break up!" Santino mimicing Tim Gunn! hahaahah

Posted by: alysia | February 06, 2006 at 08:32 PM

ridiculously hilarious! i'm in love with the 'tootie' clips. definitely something you can groove to in the club!

Posted by: PC | February 20, 2006 at 11:46 PM

Posted by: aker | October 24, 2007 at 11:29 AM

The comments to this entry are closed.

fourfour

and everybody's a freak

January 20, 2006

It wasn't the shirt

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