fourfour: My name is Prince, and I am crappy

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January 31, 2006

My name is Prince, and I am crappy

Princeisfunny_3

That isn't just funk you're smelling, when you listen to Prince. The "two sides" that the proud Gemini often touted (most awesomely by dressing as Batman and Joker at the same time in the "Batdance" vid) were probably meant to make him seem somehow balanced sexually or morally or something, but I think anyone who's paid attention to his career knows of a much more immediate two Princes: the Great one and the Crappy one.

For some reason, people have a hard time with this duality -- instead of seeing how his capacity for garbage makes his brilliance even a more amazing feat, public perception of the man tends toward one side. He spent the good part of the 10 years after '93 totally maligned, considered a joke who wrote things on his face, did weird things with his name and made entirely too much music. But then, for some reason (nostalgia?), in '04, the wind changed and Prince could do little wrong -- he released a typically mediocre album, Musicology, that was surprisingly well-received (and high-charting, even if his giving it away every chance he could get effectively cooked his books), he launched a massively successful tour and was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Good Princeyboy!

Things may have cooled a bit for him (he hasn't received the public lashing he deserves for "Te Amo Corazon"), but I wouldn't be surprised if mass fawning occurs whenever 3121 hits stores. Well, I'm here to tell you there's something else: garbage. What follows are four songs from his initial nadir, the early '90s (I chose one a year, starting with '91). If Prince is irritating when he's tossing off some masturbatory album track or extended jam, he's practically absurd when he's at his most commercial-minded and attempting to craft hits for others. If his proteges of the '80s were notoriously goofy, those of the '90s were mostly excruciating (Tevin Campbell excepted, obviously).

I believe that Prince loves women. I really do. And I think that's exactly what makes him such a sucky pimp.

Martika "Martika's Kitchen" (1991) - The table is set, baby, and on it is a cloth that looks a lot like Babyface's. With a limp swing beat, Prince attempted to convince us not just that Martika was new jack, but that she was also sexy. The kitchen analogy is undeniably sexual ("Get some, get some, get some"), but it serves a similar function as his little red Corvette -- sometimes, it seems to refer to a vagina ("Come on get some, in Martika's kitchen"), sometimes not ("The oven is hot"). At least if the metaphor of "Little Red Corvette" is mixed, it has a creepy air of mystery. This is just bright, boring nonsense about Stepford genitalia (it's, at least, very domestic). Martika was a lot of things: a Kids Incorporated alumna, big in Japan, Jennifer Beals-esque. Soulful was never one of these things. Not that anyone could spin this shit into gold -- even Prince sounds like a fool when doing this one (check his demo of it).

Carmen Electra "Go Go Dancer" (1992) - Joining the highly esteemed company of, well, Icy Blu and, uh, I guess Deborah Harry kinda, Carmen Electra tried to corner the white-girl rapper market with this early foray into fame whoreishness. Once again, Prince attempts to to mimic contemporary hotness, and this time tries his hand at house. He crafts a stomp for Carmen's born-to-strip persona -- she's an update of his irresistible bitch with her unstoppable body and "primal vibe." Carmen prowls like she's relishing the fact that sooner or later, she was going to have to sell it. I think this insatiable portrayal of a dancer's life is what got Prince the Showgirls gig (his "319" and "Rippopgodazippa" both can be heard in the movie...with hilarious results). "...In a taxi cab / If the radio's on / Off goes the top / And I'm going going going gone!," says Carmen, and by that time, I'm sorry that the song's inclusion here implies that it's shit. It's totally fucking awesome.

Lois L. "Qualified" (1993) - More new jack crap -- this is truly Prince at his worst because he's virtually undetectable. At least when he's turning out junk, it has personality. Every second of this, however, hurts. Seriously, Carmen Electra's cartoon stripper has more soul in her g-string than these two sisters from the Netherlands, put together. They ended up posing for Playboy, I think, which, OF COURSE THEY DID.

Mayte "The Most Beautiful Boy in the World" (1994) - If you have any question about a nepotist's inherent hubris, look no further than this, a note-by-note remake of Prince's most useless chart hit. Why did he let wife-to-be Mayte cover this track so faithfully? Maybe it's because he was in love...with himself. Whatever, this did not kick off her career the way it was supposed to, but no surprises there. This version's major deviance from the original ("The Most Beautiful Girl in the World" gets a penis in Mayte's version) totally throws everything into confusion. "Could you be / The most beautiful boy in the world? / It's plain to see / You're the reason that God made a girl," sings Mayte and...what? God made a girl only so that she could give birth? Is that what Prince meant all along? I always thought he was much more interested in vaginas as inputs. But maybe I'm being too harsh and what this remake really is saying is that man and woman can unite entirely via music. How Symbol of him (that symbol means man + woman + music, right? Right?!?).

As a palate-cleansing bonus, and a way of proving that not all of Prince's '90s output is worthless, here's 1991's "Insatiable". It's gorgeous, probably my favorite of his sex jams. Hate the game, not the cameraman.

Posted at 10:02 AM in Are and be, Music, The fourfour four | Permalink

Comments

Oh no you didn't!!! You have crossed the line, sugar! The crappiness is never to be spoken of...like that pedophile uncle no one ever invites to family functions.

Posted by: tigerlilly | January 31, 2006 at 11:22 AM

That picture has me in stiches! I was blissfully unaware about Prince's involvement in any of the above. I think he did Martika's 'love thy will be done' too, should of ended it then & there. This list is hilarious! Insatiable is a great tune but my fav 90s sexjam has to be Cream...sha-boogie-bop.

Posted by: Neha | January 31, 2006 at 12:33 PM

Oh god. Martika's Kitchen. Carmen Electra (Can we just call her Tara Patrick now?) It must stop. I loved me some Prince back in the day, but these days... eh. I'd love to see him in concert if only to do the Golden Years live, but my taste for purple has dwindled since after "Get Off" et al. The whole "I'm gonna paint 'slave' on my cheek" era left me cold. I suppose Musicology was better than nothing, though...

Posted by: Carly | January 31, 2006 at 01:15 PM

It's interesting to read another's take on Prince.
To me, it doesn't matter what he does...I love him. It's just that I like some better of his stuff better than others. Some lots better.
I agree with the first noter: "Oh no, You DIDN'T!" But I laughed anyway.

Posted by: B.harlow | January 31, 2006 at 01:49 PM

edit:
"I like some of his stuff better than others."
I'm just all flustered trying to defend him.
And I thought 'Musicology' was very cool.
Saw him in concert a year ago...yup.

Posted by: B.harlow | January 31, 2006 at 01:50 PM

Don't get flustered -- my criticism comes from love of crap and Prince, alike. And there's always "Insatiable!"

Posted by: Rich | January 31, 2006 at 02:16 PM

While I love "Insatiable", I am far more excited about "Martika's Kitchen". Not sure what that says about me.

Posted by: Foxy | January 31, 2006 at 02:48 PM

He hasn't gotten properly lambasted for Te Amo Corazon because NO ONE HAS HEARD THIS SONG!!!!!!! :(

Posted by: Joshua | January 31, 2006 at 03:05 PM

He had me at Diamonds & Pearls.

Posted by: summer | January 31, 2006 at 03:20 PM

I miss the psychadelic phase (Around the World in a Day, Under the Cherry Moon, some of Sign 'o' the Times). He peaked with 1999.

Posted by: Chris | January 31, 2006 at 04:08 PM

And by Under the Cherry Moon, I of course mean "Parade", not the laughable follow-up to "Purple Rain" (the movie).

Posted by: Chris | January 31, 2006 at 04:13 PM

"Love... Thy Will Be Done" was, for me, Prince's last great moment. From '91 on, it just seemed like he was trying too hard to get hip with the kids. Still, I love the man, and pretty much all is forgiven when I hear "Raspberry Beret" over the muzak at Dollar Tree.

Posted by: John H. | January 31, 2006 at 06:43 PM

You know, I just started listening to 'Pink Cashmere' from a triple set that I received at Christmas, and I really like it. Don't know how I missed that one. Also, he has an 'original' of "I Feel For You" and "Nothing Compares 2 U" (Sung by Chaka and that bald girl)that, at first, I wanted to dislike, but then I really enjoyed.
He is constantly amazing me, even with his old stuff. There's so much old stuff to find that seems new.
Or maybe I'm just old and behind.
I heard "The Gold Experience" was good, but haven't gone there yet.

Posted by: B.harlow | January 31, 2006 at 09:28 PM

I think overall Prince's stuff has gotten pretty dull compared to how it used to be, but he still gets a few good moments in there. For instance, I heard the song "Everlasting Now" off of one of his last few albums, and it was every bit as good as the stuff from Dirty Mind or Sign o the Times.

...I still get all giggly thinking about the picture on the cover of Dirty Mind where he's dressed up like someone's menstruating Bichon Frise with bikini underwear and a bandana around his neck.

Posted by: threetoedsloth | February 02, 2006 at 10:41 AM

oh my goodness, i think martika's kitchen was one of the very first cassettes i ever owned! shut up.

Posted by: svrb | February 03, 2006 at 03:38 PM

Yeah, I really like Prince too, and his Musicology is a great record the entire way through. It was well-recieved because its really good.

But we all have our tastes, and you don't like him, and that's fine. I don't like Madonna.

Posted by: | February 07, 2006 at 02:17 PM

Not to be picky - but "Qualified" has no Prince involvement!

Although it is a crappy song.

Posted by: Billy | March 22, 2006 at 07:48 PM

your a piece of crap and that is all i have to say, how dare you judge someone.

Posted by: nemo | April 18, 2006 at 11:57 AM

Ok, I must confess. I totally thought i was "EDGEY" for having "Martika's Kitchen" (the album) and would drive around in my car singing along (You can even eat the dishes!, wait, wasn't that from Willy Wonka?). Anyway, I must agree, I am not sure what planet he is recording some of this "hoo haa" for, but just cause you CAN record more music than could EVER be released, doesn't mean you SHOULD. I mean, even MJ knew better than to USE all the CRAP he recorded for Invincible (thank you, oh merciful god). But, I must say, the great stuff doesn't override the OVERWHELMING torrent of DOO DOO. "Sex Shooter" doesn't make up for the PILES of crapola.....

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