I think Kara said it best (week after week after week): Everyone here is crazy. Of all the possible outcomes for this week's episode, seeing her go was the one what I wanted to happen the least. It's not just that I've grown fond of her cracky facade. Whether or not you were in love with her (decoy) Fashion Week collection, you can't argue that it was at least surprising, that it at least would have shaken things up and made the final show truly exciting. With Kara booted, I really think Daniel V. is going to win this. That means from here on out, the show sleepwalks. Boring.
The funny thing is that of all weeks to abandon that (more or less) non-cumulative, short-term-memory judging ethic that Heidi & Co. so love, this would have been the best to do it. Forget that Kara up till now hasn't impressed much, that Daniel V. is the clear frontrunner with Chloe nipping at his heels and with Santino way out there, sucking his own penis. Forget all that and see that Kara's blandness . . .
. . . was no worse than Chloe's . . .
. . . and underwhelmed only slightly more than Daniel's winning piece . . .
As for Santino's made-to-accompany-jazz-hands travesty . . .
. . .I'll let Michael Kors handle the rest of the commentary on that one.
I guess maybe that's what Kara gets for designing through osmosis.
1. Another possible reason for Kara's elimination: the show is homophobic. How else to explain Nick's elimination last week and then that of Kara, the heir to his fag-out throne.
Give me a recount, or I'll slap you silly, Heidi.
2. Or maybe Kara's substance abuse had TPTB worried. Check her getting her guzzle on:
And surely, this was a product of a few hits from the bong:
"We kind of like sizzled down with a little sizzler, you know?"
No, Kara, I don't know. I have no idea what the fuck that could possibly mean (she said it about the "party" the designers were forced to attend in the middle of completing their dresses, which totally seemed sadistic, and hence was really an anti-party, but whatever).
3. I promise I'll stop mourning Kara after this one last item:
Can you even say that on TV? Whatever. It's awesome. Kara's awesome. The show was better because of her. I think I'm going to go fill my head with clouds of smoke and forget about the loss.
4. Or maybe I'll just distract myself with some meat.
Know why?
Guess who's back in the hmm hmm house.
I said: guess who's back in the muthafuckin' house!
God, I missed him. I missed him so much, I didn't even know how much I missed him:
New development: that fucking arm! I had no idea he was that serious.
I'm serious, too. I wonder if he knows how special he is. I wonder if he knows how much I love him.
5. You know who I didn't need to see, though?
I mean, she's hot and her accent is funny and all. But seriously, enough with the shilling.
I'm not offering her any commercial space, just like I didn't last time she tried to sell her boring-ass book on a show that I love.
Take it to Survivor or Starting Over or something, Immie.
6. With makeup guy back, I can't say this really did much for me.
Eat a donut or 24, Slim. But I'm not trying to totally knock Daniel's physique.
Impressive package:
All signs point to hung.
Outrageous, I know.
7. Similarly:
What? Wait. I don't want to know. I don't want to think. I don't want to think that I ever thought about what he could possibly be doing but probably isn't. My balls just dried up and fell off.
8. So who does whom best?
Here's Santino doing Michael:
"I don't know where you guys live, but it's like, it's like you guys live in a Renaissance fair."
And here's Michael doing Santino:
The answer, of course, is Kara!
Her Santino is the best Santino. It's not necessarily accurate, but it really works the demonic angle. And there's nothing wrong with channeling Pazuzu every once in a while, as we know well by now.
9. The night's best quote, however, came from Tim Gunn. Good old, reliable, somewhat potty-mouthed Tim Gunn.
"You just have to say all these things on the runway. 'Nina, I wanted her to look like she had a big, fat ass.'" He said that about Chloe's dress. I really wanted to throw that "big, fat ass" as a sample into a ghetto-tech track (a la "Ass n Titties"), but, y'know, there are only so many hours in the day. But really, it's begging to be used.
10. Speaking of quotes, how's this for one?
"It's the Super Bowl of American fashion," he said about Fashion Week. Oooh, combining butch football with femme fashion. That is sooooo bi.
I guess that would make sequined fabric like this the ball?
And what are the goal posts, Heidi's ears?
Get it between them to score.
That shot, by the way, is from the party. Heidi is the hostess with the mostess nonsense.
"Mingle, mingle, mingle, everybody," she told them. Well, since you put it like that...
11. And speaking of that party, attendee Austin Scarlett is transgendered, right?
I'm not saying that to be funny or mean. I'm in no way out to put that down.
But, I mean, he's gotta be, right?
Totally on the road to Vaginaville.
12. Not that I'm going to watch it, but I really wish that Project Jay . . .
. . . were called Project RunJay. Is that a Bedazzler in the top left?
That shot of Santino doing whatever he was doing "down there" seriously sent me into some kind of shock where I was forced to form a new personality to deal with it. Can't wait for next weeks bitchy "memories show"!
Posted by: crystal | February 17, 2006 at 04:23 PM
I have to say that I love your recaps! The mp3s and screencaps make them SO awesome! Next week I think Tim's gonna bust a cap in someone's ass.....
Additionally, those screencaps of Austin Scarlett.....OMG! He looks like my middle-aged, female high school chorus teacher! She used to do the diaphonous scarf thing all the time. That image is screaming to be iconized!
Posted by: katie | February 17, 2006 at 04:30 PM
As soon as I heard Kara's "sizzler" comment on the show I imagined you commenting on it. So quickly addictive this blog is!
Posted by: Terica | February 17, 2006 at 07:54 PM
I must confess...
Until this week, I got by on commenting after reading your recaps...felt like I was really watching the show. You're THAT good.
This episode was the first one I watched from beginning to end. I'm SO mad it took me this long. Now I feel like I have to catch up on the previous season(s?).
Anyway, I just needed to make that confession. Now I feel cleansed.
Posted by: Quel | February 17, 2006 at 08:04 PM
1. So much for my hopefully thinking, "Kara could end up winning the whole thing." :(
2. Austin Scarlett -- *clearly* "transitioning". (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
3. Not a bedazzler.
Posted by: stroll | February 17, 2006 at 08:24 PM
I was pretty sure I saw breasts under that scarf. Perhaps I was right after all! (Although I've been told by a mutual friend that Austin used to cross-dress in high school, just because he didn't have anyone else to wear his pretty clothes. So this may not be such a new, ahem, *development* after all.)
You totally need to screencap Daniel in his underwear from the Bravo bonus footage. Maybe then we can confirm the tall/skinny/big nose theory once and for all...
Posted by: Tina | February 17, 2006 at 10:37 PM
Hello Rich, first time visitor, forever fan. Some random thoughts:
1) Santino is hot in a "gotta have him just once way but only if he keeps his mouth shut and I can blindfold him and tie him to a tree trunk".
2) Kara is just not wet dream material. She can't decide if she's LisaKudrowPhoebe or JulietBinocheTheEnglishPatientChick.
3) Daniel is good but a definite yawner. I hope that Santino wins only because sometimes, evil must prevail over goodness. Especially on reality shows.
4) Regardless of whether Santino wins or loses, I propose that he and ProjectNoWayJay team up for a reality series. See who can do the most freakiest shit and/or go over the top most often. I also propose that Wendy Pepper, Austin "Vaginaland" Scarlett, and Zulema serve as judges for whatever random assignments are given to the two gentlemen.
5) I love Nick. I (silently) cried when he was cut. He's the man. He's my man.
Love, Hugs, Squeezes, and Various Gropes...Kristina
Posted by: Kristina | February 18, 2006 at 01:34 AM
Long time reader, first time commenter. I just had to thank you for capturing the moment where Daniel V. fucking CLUTCHED THE PEARLS! I know Antoine and Blaine would be so proud.
Posted by: chriso | February 18, 2006 at 01:49 AM
Austin has some Princess Di hair going on, and looks quite lovely in my opinion.
Great recap, thanks.
Posted by: Jacquie | February 18, 2006 at 01:50 AM
Your recap is some solid gold shit. I love it. Now, I think I will sizzle down with a little sizzler.
Posted by: Blair | February 18, 2006 at 03:51 PM
Rich, I can't stand these weekends without you. When's the next fourfour 12-step meeting...I'm jonesin'!
Posted by: valorious | February 18, 2006 at 09:57 PM
i laughed so hard- this recap was great
Posted by: jenn | February 19, 2006 at 02:53 PM
Make-up Boy can do my face - whenever.
Posted by: sean | February 19, 2006 at 06:20 PM
I wanted to say that I noticed the makeup guy this week, and indeed, he looks better in motion than in photos.
Posted by: Brandon | February 19, 2006 at 06:57 PM
hm. So Project Runway ends the same day Top Model begins? Besides scheduling, what a perfect reality tv cycle!
Posted by: juliet | February 19, 2006 at 08:57 PM
looking at daniel v. in a whole new way...
heehee
Posted by: lala | February 19, 2006 at 09:14 PM
How come Michael Kors is so creative with his insults, but then all he can say when he likes something is either "it's very chic" or "it's great-looking?"
Posted by: Lauren | February 20, 2006 at 10:15 PM
Rich! Your sick and twisted. Which makes you THAT much hotter. The recap was a riot. Please keep it coming. Lor-dee!
Couple of things:
1. You, Make-Up Boy and Me...think about it. lol.
2. I totally think that Kara and Chloe were sharing the doob during the show. Just sayin'.
3. Um..why did Santino look remotely hot on this particular show? Bronzer? What was going on?
ciao chico!
Posted by: Coy | February 21, 2006 at 11:06 AM
please, oh please oh please, give us the Tim Gunn "Big Fat Ass" ghetto mix.
Posted by: Veronica | February 21, 2006 at 04:10 PM
I think that's my bedazzler.
Posted by: malatron | February 21, 2006 at 09:14 PM
thanks for all the great screencaps & soundbites. dyou think we could get one of tim's whole "Nina, I wanted her to look like she had a big, fat ass." ? pretty please? thanks!
Posted by: jesse | February 23, 2006 at 12:20 PM
I don't know if anyone mentioned this before and I know it's like 9 months after the fact (this is what I do instead of sleep), but Austin Scarlett is kinda channeling John Cameron Mitchell's Hedwig (best movie ever, by the way).
It's almost eerie.
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