Everyone here is crazy

Kara's infinite wisdom strikes again! And she's right -- all these people are crazy (can you imagine how boring the show would be if they weren't?). However, maybe they aren't crazy as someone who, say, gives himself the task of recapping what is essentially a recap (if you ever want to feel completely pointless, have I got a job for you!).

No matter -- this week's clips-filled reunion show wasn't just the season's hands-down best dramatic spectacle. It was also a learning experience. What follows are but a few of the lessons offered to us by Heidi, public servant that she is, and, y'know, everyone else.

Lesson 1: Heidi is aware of how stupid she sounds.

I had no clue that she has a clue! But she really does!

"They went like bagels," she said about the limited-edition My Scene Barbie that Nick designed (and she wasn't kidding -- have you seen how much those shits go for on eBay?). After she was corrected (she meant "hotcakes," dammitt!), Heidi offered an excuse for her failed cliché: "See how would I know? I'm German." Hee! She's totally excused.

Oh, and speaking of Heidi's speech patterns, I would really love it if this could be the announcement before every commercial break of every show from now on. Can someone make that happen?

2. Daniel Franco is straight.

Not that that's good for much -- I don't expect him to be getting any as long as he keeps his hair unwashed (take it to Bedford Ave., emoface). But really, color me as surprised as Raymundo once was.

Isn't Raymundo just a mop away from being a Hank Azaria caricature, name and all?

Oh, and Daniel F., may be nominally straight, but something tells me that he knows little of the female anatomy.

3. Nick is capable of butching it up.

He got himself a full (albeit meticulously trimmed) beard and ditched the camp mugging. Seriously, this is the best I could grab:

Kind of a letdown. Nick, I know you can do better. I've seen you do better, frame after frame after frame.

4. John lost weight.

And gained no allure. Funny, that.

5. Heidi S. was eliminated too soon.

Seriously, she is all I want in comic relief:

"The dude with the green hair and the yellow stuff? ...OK. Um, his name's Ramu..what? Ramundo? Ra-moon-doe? Where's he from?"

Actually, her genius is not a new revelation -- I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on her.

6. Jay is an even bigger pigfuck than you would have imagined.

The unaired, extended exchange between he and Kara was like a sneak preview for Project I'm Going To Annoy the Shit Out of You. I think that probably sums up his life's work (try not to vomit when he interrupts Kara with the "HEY!"). He is insufferable. Period.

7. The "Santino effect" goes way beyond ruffles and embellishments.

It has everything to do with the way he gets under people's skin. The man is not a man but a chigger.

Check the reactions of those he talks shit about when confronted with his words.

"Kara's really having trouble in her head."

"Zulema's dress was really, pretty, pretty bad."

"Daniel Franco, I think, is seriously...um, I think he seriously has some mental defects."

"Emmett: oh my God."

"I think Daniel's full of shit."

"I can't stand the sound of her voice!"

"Nick will be upset with the fact that I will be showing at Olympus Fashion Week, and he will not."

"I defecated on Chloe's fabric."

Yes, indeed, the Santino effect gets its victims right in the face. And, yeah, he's an ass, but some of these are funny (he's totally right about Daniel Franco, and you know it). And every once in a while, he'll pull out an "eat my ass" that makes me totally love him.

8. The show cheated us out of some excellent music.

Seriously, "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion" was just the overture to the wonderful Project Runway: The Musical. Here are a few potential hits from the vault:

Santino's "Happiness Is a Warm Gunn"

He gets all hymnal on the last, beautiful line. Way to take it to church, bloodsucker!

Andraé's "Swing Low, Sweet Sewing Machine"

Did you have any idea he could get that deep? Andraé is the man of 1,000 voices (and one pair of orange shorts).

Santino and Nick's "The Ballad of Daniel Franco"

Utter brilliance -- I like this one even more than "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion." For once, Santino's embellishments are perfect ("Auf wiedersehen, muthafucka!"). I really think that he and Nick could make a killing if they took their show on the road.

9. Andraé's runway tantrum lasted almost 10 minutes.

That's a lotta pussy. Oh, and seeing it again made Chloe cry.

Lighten up, it's just Andraé.

10. There is a fine line between hipster and housewife when it comes to hair.

11. Zuzu has some weird alter ego named "Shatenge."

I totally didn't get this shit, though any internal force that propels someone to exclaim, "To my horror..." at the top of a sentence is a force of good, not evil.

12. Lupe is a wonderful, wonderful person.

How much ass did she kick in that psilocybic haze? So much. She was kicking her face off.

Listen to her first stroke of genius.

Tim: Did you feel that your elimination was fair, even though Marla had plagiarized a dress Nicky Hilton had worn before?

Lupe: Honestly, I can only give him a personal critique. Nobody would ever know, unless they personally respond to me, would know what my personal response is. And that is of me. And, personally, I believe you can't, like, push the boundaries, and, like Johnny Cash, walk the line, and...

If Diana's alter ego is "Dirty Diana," I think we can call this one "Loopy Lupe" from now on.

Here is her masterpiece.

Tim (trying again): Do you feel your elimination was fair given that Marla plagiarized the Nicky Hilton dress -- yes or no?

Loopy Lupe: Understand that Marla has an aesthetic that I cannot duplicate. But Marla has an aesthetic that she cannot duplicate. And Ariyan, on national television, if you can get this, you fuckin' rock . . .

. . . because you believe in what is true. Period. (Tongue cluck.)

And the cherry on top?

Tim: This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I think I've heard in weeks. Sorry.

LL: I agree as well.

She is so Björky. And so, it follows that . . .

13. All is full of love.

Seriously, the reunion was an outpouring of affection.

"I love Santino!" shrieked LL, for no real reason. Amazingly, she's not the only one.

What the fuck is up with how close Chloe and Santino were sitting? I mean, they look like they've been rolling around in the silk charmeuse together for months.

And finally, in the bizarre night's single most bizarre exchange, we learned...

...Daniel Franco loves Heidi. And what does Heidi have to say about that?

Nothing!

I think it's because she's already sprung on Tim's gunn.

Comments

[Mr. Prince]

lol great recap; to be fair that was edited. Danny F. has a blog and commented about how the "I love you Heidi" was taken out of context. She had made a comment about his line (that was un-aired) and he said 'I love you' to that. and I can't believe you disliked She-tangi! that was fab! and I love LL a little more than L. Lo now. Heidi S. was lost too soon, and John is now do-able. but just barely. and andrae? Damn, I'll never think that I'm queeny again.

[Shawn]

Everyone here IS crazy! My fav part was the musical theater aspect - why didn't we see more of that on the show? It made me think that everyone actually got along really well for like 5 minutes. And maybe why Nick still has love for Santino.

And what about Rachel (Zulema's ex model) talking about how Zulema should have made a "bangin" outfit if she was going to think she was all that. Shetangy has no comeback to that one!

And that Daniel F. "I love you" comment to Heidi was really creppy. And according to Santino's blog it was actually edited in a good way (meaning it was more creppy in person!)

(Santino talking about Daniel's I LOVE YOU - http://santinorice.com/2006/02/buck-huntin.html)

[tia]

i like how u tried to class it up with "shatenge" when i'm pretty sure she meant "sha-tangay". lol, wtf? this season's cast was so much fun. i think santino slept with everyone and nick's the only one pissed about it, hence the big fall-out. actually the theory we came up with is santino quit nick for andrae. bully, bully.

[brandy]

I sometimes say things like Lupe, but only after a bottle of vodka and too much weed.
Maybe thats her secret too.

Rich-Did you read the Tim Gunn interview on Out.com? Im not sure but I think Tim might have given away the winner. I really really hope not...but he talks about how Andrae showed up randomly when they were doing the Saturn handing over the keys promo spot and Santino was there....I will cry if he wins.

and I think you need to respond to the many people who said Diane from Fat Camp reminded them of Winston.
Please.

[Gayest Neil]

"Project I'm Going to Annoy the Shit Out of You" is sooooooooooooooo annoying.

Please recap. Please. I'll glue you into a poorly constructed dress. Please.

[aj]

I agree about Heidi S...oh how quotable she could have been!

Rich, I'm sure you know this already, but on Bravo's website, you can see bonus videos from each episode and they have the entirety of the Emmett/Serger Slave Song

If you haven't seen it, it's SO worth the orange shorts exposure. Andrae should be a character actor...he's got so much range!

Great recap (of a recap) as always!

[JenKatz]

I laughed my ass off when Daniel F. proclaimed his love for Heide, and she gave him the "ummm... yeah" treatment. If he's straight, then he must be a straight woman under all that emo panoply, because just watching him almost had me spontaneously menstruate.

Zulema is a mess. She needs to do some yoga or go to anger management or something.

Andrae's 10 minute teary monologue raised the benchmark for Queendom everywhere.

[Ceece]

Ok I missed PROJRUN 1, and I am glad I did, because Jay would have made me vomit all over the tv and then turn it off and runaway. He is truly a pig.

I am bummed that I missed the first few episodes of this.

Lupe made me want to cover my eyes.
and Andrae I fucking love him! Give him his own damn show. I have absolutely no interest in seeing people be mean to others for shits and giggles (a la santino and jay)

I think Diana made a really good point when she commented on Santino's comments. It would have been one thing if he didn't like peoples designs, but the fact that he took it upon himself to point out everyone else's flaws (umm Santino where do we start with you honey?) was just shitty. BTW his designs suck too.

[Ceece]

PS I was crying all over the place during Andrae's breakdown too.

Love it all!! Lupe's rant has been you tubed!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlbi4uI31P8

[lance]

After seeing Project Jay, I'm starting to really like Jay. I think my first impression of him (thought I would vomit too) was way off. I haven't watched PROJRUN 1 yet, but right now I'm a big fan.

[JenKatz]

So... I just bought Kara's kimono dress off her website (I wasn't kidding when I said I HAD to have it). I couldn't help noticing than she's using her model from ProjRun - Andrae's too!

[LaLa]

just thought you all might like to read this bulletin that daniel franco sent out on myspace to all his myspace friends...

From: Daniel Franco

Date: February 23, 2006 at 9:35 p.m.

Subject: Heidi and D sitting in a tree...

This is probably not worth writing about, however...

I am trying to just laugh off the akward editing-gag-gone-lame between Me and the Lovely Heidi Klum "I Love you" train wreck moment but....

As a man who believes in priciples & honor, I must let it be known that I would never ever approach a happily married woman with any akward intentions at all. It does not match up one bit with my ethics.

When I said "I Love You Heidi.." It was because she said something incredibly complimentary about my lingerie collection, not shown on the special, and I meant it as a great term of affection, respect and admiration. She said something that was to me, a great validation of my work. ( confidentiality agreemeant kicks in now)

Heidi Klum created Project Runway, an amazing forum for fashion designers. So I consider her a "patron saint of the arts". I meant " I Love you Heidi", as a...Thank you and I look up to you, for the opportunites she created for all of the artists on the show.

I think the producers wanted a good laugh like the one in the Lingerie episode during the presentation of our groups to Heidi. Remember the 70's guitar in the background as I say" I want to show you something beautiful "? But this time the editing was rushed, they got this episode out in 2 weeks...amazing actually. As compared to 6 moths for the Lingerie episode.

So, there it is...my official response to that.

By the way I LOVE ALL OF YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!! With No akward editing in sight!

; )

d

[Lizzy]

THANK YOU, for commenting on Dan V.'s hair. I mean, I hated it before as it was always in his face, but now all I can think is Florence Henderson circa 1975.

[Candy]

EXCELLENT Recap!

God I love this show, and hate to see it end. Hopefully they'll follow it up soon with another.

Lupe was definitely the best part of the evening.

[duane]

I love Loopy Lupe!! That was so funny... she was completely hammered. It was awesome.

[TransMooCow]

Okay, I had to do it. I definitely see the Aphex Twin "Come to Daddy" comparison and the Spaulding comparison, but the more I watch Santino, the more I think of Jafar from Aladdin. His obvious hypnosis of Chloe seals it.

Seriously. I did a side by side comparison on my website. It's uncanny!

http://transmoocow.livejournal.com/13356.html

[buzz]

with you on daniel v's hair as well -- he's getting to look like stuart's mom:

http://www.jeffandchris.com/stuart-004f.jpg

[Ms. Pants]

Seriously. I think Lupe was trying to portray Parker Posey's character in "The House of Yes."

[pinkchick]

I think LL has been smoking some of Kara's grass.

[Christy]

Best reunion show ever!!! It had me in stitches. I want to shake the hand of the man who edited that masterpiece.

And what a joy to relive it again through this recap.

Tim Gunn interview, and he says who he was happy to see leave: http://www2.out.com/detail.asp?id=16699

[Lauren]

I was SO happy to see that you recapped the recap . . . When I woke up Thursday and saw, as I had feared, that there was no new Tim Gunn Project Runway podcast on iTunes, I was counting on you and you alone.

Also: obvi it's awesome that a new season of ANTM will start the same day as ProjRun ends--very Walt Whitman--but I hope you don't start feeling burned out . . . how are you gonna handle blogging both the season finale of projrun and the premiere of ANTM?!?!?!

[Rich]

I'm going to take my time and be the best me that I can be (I also have a Kelley Polar/Morgan Geist/Dan Sezler show to attend that night, so it's gonna take me a while to get through this shit. But it'll happen.)

[hypnotic]

daniel franco is such a freak

seriously i would never approach a happily married woman...how gay

im sorry zulema wasnt angry she didnt have tim for karas bullshit breakdown

my new motto is cut and cry bitch