Kara's infinite wisdom strikes again! And she's right -- all these people are crazy (can you imagine how boring the show would be if they weren't?). However, maybe they aren't crazy as someone who, say, gives himself the task of recapping what is essentially a recap (if you ever want to feel completely pointless, have I got a job for you!).
No matter -- this week's clips-filled reunion show wasn't just the season's hands-down best dramatic spectacle. It was also a learning experience. What follows are but a few of the lessons offered to us by Heidi, public servant that she is, and, y'know, everyone else.
Lesson 1: Heidi is aware of how stupid she sounds.
I had no clue that she has a clue! But she really does!
"They went like bagels," she said about the limited-edition My Scene Barbie that Nick designed (and she wasn't kidding -- have you seen how much those shits go for on eBay?). After she was corrected (she meant "hotcakes," dammitt!), Heidi offered an excuse for her failed cliché: "See how would I know? I'm German." Hee! She's totally excused.
Oh, and speaking of Heidi's speech patterns, I would really love it if this could be the announcement before every commercial break of every show from now on. Can someone make that happen?
2. Daniel Franco is straight.
Not that that's good for much -- I don't expect him to be getting any as long as he keeps his hair unwashed (take it to Bedford Ave., emoface). But really, color me as surprised as Raymundo once was.
Isn't Raymundo just a mop away from being a Hank Azaria caricature, name and all?
Oh, and Daniel F., may be nominally straight, but something tells me that he knows little of the female anatomy.
3. Nick is capable of butching it up.
He got himself a full (albeit meticulously trimmed) beard and ditched the camp mugging. Seriously, this is the best I could grab:
Kind of a letdown. Nick, I know you can do better. I've seen you do better, frame after frame after frame.
4. John lost weight.
And gained no allure. Funny, that.
5. Heidi S. was eliminated too soon.
Seriously, she is all I want in comic relief:
Actually, her genius is not a new revelation -- I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on her.
6. Jay is an even bigger pigfuck than you would have imagined.
The unaired, extended exchange between he and Kara was like a sneak preview for Project I'm Going To Annoy the Shit Out of You. I think that probably sums up his life's work (try not to vomit when he interrupts Kara with the "HEY!"). He is insufferable. Period.
7. The "Santino effect" goes way beyond ruffles and embellishments.
It has everything to do with the way he gets under people's skin. The man is not a man but a chigger.
Check the reactions of those he talks shit about when confronted with his words.
"Kara's really having trouble in her head."
"Zulema's dress was really, pretty, pretty bad."
"Daniel Franco, I think, is seriously...um, I think he seriously has some mental defects."
"I think Daniel's full of shit."
"I can't stand the sound of her voice!"
"Nick will be upset with the fact that I will be showing at Olympus Fashion Week, and he will not."
"I defecated on Chloe's fabric."
Yes, indeed, the Santino effect gets its victims right in the face. And, yeah, he's an ass, but some of these are funny (he's totally right about Daniel Franco, and you know it). And every once in a while, he'll pull out an "eat my ass" that makes me totally love him.
8. The show cheated us out of some excellent music.
Seriously, "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion" was just the overture to the wonderful Project Runway: The Musical. Here are a few potential hits from the vault:
Santino's "Happiness Is a Warm Gunn"
He gets all hymnal on the last, beautiful line. Way to take it to church, bloodsucker!
Andraé's "Swing Low, Sweet Sewing Machine"
Did you have any idea he could get that deep? Andraé is the man of 1,000 voices (and one pair of orange shorts).
Santino and Nick's "The Ballad of Daniel Franco"
Utter brilliance -- I like this one even more than "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion." For once, Santino's embellishments are perfect ("Auf wiedersehen, muthafucka!"). I really think that he and Nick could make a killing if they took their show on the road.
9. Andraé's runway tantrum lasted almost 10 minutes.
That's a lotta pussy. Oh, and seeing it again made Chloe cry.
Lighten up, it's just Andraé.
10. There is a fine line between hipster and housewife when it comes to hair.
11. Zuzu has some weird alter ego named "Shatenge."
I totally didn't get this shit, though any internal force that propels someone to exclaim, "To my horror..." at the top of a sentence is a force of good, not evil.
12. Lupe is a wonderful, wonderful person.
How much ass did she kick in that psilocybic haze? So much. She was kicking her face off.
Listen to her first stroke of genius.
Tim: Did you feel that your elimination was fair, even though Marla had plagiarized a dress Nicky Hilton had worn before?
Lupe: Honestly, I can only give him a personal critique. Nobody would ever know, unless they personally respond to me, would know what my personal response is. And that is of me. And, personally, I believe you can't, like, push the boundaries, and, like Johnny Cash, walk the line, and...
If Diana's alter ego is "Dirty Diana," I think we can call this one "Loopy Lupe" from now on.
Here is her masterpiece.
Tim (trying again): Do you feel your elimination was fair given that Marla plagiarized the Nicky Hilton dress -- yes or no?
Loopy Lupe: Understand that Marla has an aesthetic that I cannot duplicate. But Marla has an aesthetic that she cannot duplicate. And Ariyan, on national television, if you can get this, you fuckin' rock . . .
. . . because you believe in what is true. Period. (Tongue cluck.)
And the cherry on top?
Tim: This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I think I've heard in weeks. Sorry.
LL: I agree as well.
She is so Björky. And so, it follows that . . .
13. All is full of love.
Seriously, the reunion was an outpouring of affection.
"I love Santino!" shrieked LL, for no real reason. Amazingly, she's not the only one.
What the fuck is up with how close Chloe and Santino were sitting? I mean, they look like they've been rolling around in the silk charmeuse together for months.
And finally, in the bizarre night's single most bizarre exchange, we learned...
...Daniel Franco loves Heidi. And what does Heidi have to say about that?
Nothing!
I think it's because she's already sprung on Tim's gunn.
(This is all assuming, of course, that the world doesn't just explode at the epic coincidence of all that ANTM and PR in one night)
Posted by: Lauren | February 24, 2006 at 03:57 PM
This season was soooo wack but this was the BEST EPISODE! I was in stiches the whole time especially when Andrae had that 10-minute breakdown on stage...hahahahaha
Posted by: | February 24, 2006 at 04:05 PM
If that stupid Southern girl had an ounce of talent, the show could have justified keeping her on for comedic value (a la Santino). Too bad she got booted early. You can tell she would have been fun to laugh at.
Posted by: Kneel Young | February 24, 2006 at 04:15 PM
If you have a mac or use firefox, etc, Here's the plain wmv for the mournful Emmett serger "spiritual" so you can see it too.
I played clip of "Lonesome Valley" from "O Brother Where Art Thou"over the top of it and couldnt tell the difference. Santino needs a recording contract.
Posted by: SarahW | February 24, 2006 at 04:20 PM
Good call SarahW! I forgot that bravotv.com isn't Mac friendly...
Posted by: aj | February 24, 2006 at 04:23 PM
Rich - this is your best one yet. Then again, they gave you a lot of material to work with!
Posted by: tbone | February 24, 2006 at 04:50 PM
lmao. great recap (and screengrabs!)
bring back Guadalupe. she's nuts, but she makes great clothes.
I'm SO glad Daniel F's comment was taken out of context. Because otherwise, that "I love you" was way, way creepy.
Posted by: farkle | February 24, 2006 at 05:00 PM
So does anyone else think Kara is preggers? Because her face looked sort of more fucked up than usual.
And I was really hoping for some sort of Nick/Daniel lovefest reunion. I feel like they should be together forever...and at their wedding, Andrae can either be the flower girl in his orange shorts or sing the song as those bitches walk down the aisle.
Posted by: Tootie | February 24, 2006 at 05:07 PM
i finally figured out who Santino looks like.....Rasputin! Hmm.
Posted by: brittaney | February 24, 2006 at 05:32 PM
the episode was hilarous!
I love your Nick animations. Nick is the greatest!!
John looks cuter when he lost all that weight. but damn, how much weight did he loose, 60 lbs?? 'cause he sure looks DIFFERENT.
Lupe is insane! Her response to Tim Gunn's question was ridiculous. she made apsolutly no sense. it was hilarious.
Santino is an ass, but we still love him!
haha, u're right at how close Santino and Chloe were sitting.
Daniel Franco's saying "I love you Heidi" meant his true admiration and respect towards her especially after she said really wonderful things about his lingerie collection. Producers edited it to make him appear "creepy" They edited it the same way during that episode as well.
great post! u make us all LOL.
Posted by: Oksana | February 24, 2006 at 05:37 PM
this is genius. best recap ever.
Posted by: bethanne | February 24, 2006 at 06:06 PM
i really hope you've seen the orange shorts (yes THE ORANGE SHORTS) up for auction on ebay...
Posted by: katherine | February 24, 2006 at 06:50 PM
bring back Guadalupe. she's nuts, but she makes great clothes.
I'm sorry, are you sightless? Did you actually ever see the "I-vomitted-up-everything-I-could-that-didn't-match-then-just added-rickrack" outfits? Wow.
On another note, I can die happy now that I can listen to the Ballad of Daniel Franco whenever I want.
Posted by: chriso | February 24, 2006 at 09:44 PM
You rock my socks clean off.
The last bit about Hiedi being sprung on Tim's Gun--genius. I just picked myself up out of the floor.
Posted by: Kris | February 24, 2006 at 11:50 PM
Katherine, I saw those shorts on eBay too! You could also get one of his dresses and a voicemail greeting by him. It was nuts! I also saw Project RunAwayFromJay...he's a complete fuckwad. I did like that he ran into Austin Scarlett, tho. For some weird reason I really like him.
The reunion show was great!! Great recap, Rich!
Posted by: ChiliGurl | February 25, 2006 at 03:27 AM
I was more upset by Daniel F's hair ... he looks like Trent Reznor, the Puffy Years. Awful.
P.S. It seems that the girl you have labeled Mya in the ANTM fairy shot is Leslie, not Wendy. And obviously Leslie is totally hot, so you don't have to feel bad. See:
http://community.livejournal.com/topmodel/1055247.html#cutid1
Posted by: Kristina | February 25, 2006 at 05:30 AM
Did anyone else catch Nick on "Olympic Ice"? He teamed up with Canadian skating queen Jamie Salier to comment on all the girl's outfits from Thursday night's free skate. He was back to full head-wagging form. Rekindled my love.
Posted by: Michael | February 25, 2006 at 05:37 AM
yeah, there was a frisson between Santino and Andre...
Posted by: lyn | February 25, 2006 at 08:26 AM
this site is great... i'm upset i didn't know about it sooner... lol... great recaps. love it.
Posted by: dash | February 25, 2006 at 09:45 AM
I've taken the liberty of casting ProjRun: The Musical.
Olivia Newton-John as Heidi Klum.
Paul Lynde as Michael Kors.
Sean Young as Nina Garcia.
James Woods as Tim Gunn.
Linda Blair as Anne Slowey.
Dakota Fanning as Sasha Cohen.
RuPaul as Iman.
Heidi Fleiss as Nicky Hilton.
Anna Mae Wong as Chloe Dao.
Johnny Depp as Daniel Vosovic.
Christopher Walken as Santino Rice. Vincent Gallo as understudy.
Shelley Duvall as Kara Janx.
Javier Bardem as Nick Verreos.
Jim Carrey as Andrae Gonzalez.
Whoopi Goldberg as Zulema Griffin.
Robin Givens as the alter-ego Shantangee.
Tony Randall as Emmett McCarthy.
Pat Morita as Diana Eng.
Ruth Gordon as Marla Duran.
Any homeless woman will do as Guadalupe Vidal.
Anthony Perkins as Daniel Franco.
Edward James Olmos as Raymundo Baltazar.
Holly Hunter as Kirsten Ehrig.
Horatio Sanz as John Wade.
Anna Nicole Smith as Heidi Standridge.
Grace, Heather, & Rebecca as the Greek Chorus.
Posted by: Kitten | February 25, 2006 at 01:39 PM
"Happiness is a Warm Gunn" is my fave!!
Posted by: Sunny Bunny | February 25, 2006 at 02:04 PM
The two best moments for me were when Andrae calmed down during his speech before being shown sobbing again 30 seconds later, and Kara's "Andrae" impersonating with the blow dryer.
And I thought it was Zhatangi. Like Zhane.
Posted by: Foxy | February 25, 2006 at 07:45 PM
Great recap! LOL. Oh Im going to miss Project Runway when its over. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Ill miss Santino and his Tim impressions!
xx
Posted by: Distressed Jeans | February 25, 2006 at 10:42 PM
Robin Givens as the alter-ego Shantangee
hahahahahaha
Posted by: LaLa | February 26, 2006 at 01:20 AM
She's so Bjorky - LOL Hilarious.
Posted by: mary | February 26, 2006 at 02:11 AM